Had to say No
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Had to say No
Hello Everyone,
I just had to say no for the first time to an Al Anon request and I'm feeling a little guilty and embarrassed. It's been very hard for me to function, eat and even get out of bed because I am detaching from my AB and that feels like a full time job in itself. I am trying to do things differently and let him go right now. He is in treatment and any contact just leaves me furious because of all the wreckage left behind.
Anyway I am making it to meetings but it's very challenging with the morning ones so when I was asked to do the literature commitment I had to say no.
This lady kind of sprung it on me because she was over booked with other commitments and I told her I'd think it over and then I just reluctantly just told her no. She gave me a dirty look when I told her.
I really wanted to be the person who says yes and shows up on time, looking great and ready to be of service but that is not the reality for me right now. I really miss my boyfriend and I'm pretty heartbroken about his disease, my response to it and all else.
Instead of saying yes and then flaking on the commitment (which I have done before with this morning meeting) I just said no. I find it weird I feel bad about it.
Does anyone else constantly feel like they aren't doing enough in their program and they should be way past this stage or getting better and it feels like it's getting worse.?
It's very discouraging.
Thanks always for listening.
I just had to say no for the first time to an Al Anon request and I'm feeling a little guilty and embarrassed. It's been very hard for me to function, eat and even get out of bed because I am detaching from my AB and that feels like a full time job in itself. I am trying to do things differently and let him go right now. He is in treatment and any contact just leaves me furious because of all the wreckage left behind.
Anyway I am making it to meetings but it's very challenging with the morning ones so when I was asked to do the literature commitment I had to say no.
This lady kind of sprung it on me because she was over booked with other commitments and I told her I'd think it over and then I just reluctantly just told her no. She gave me a dirty look when I told her.
I really wanted to be the person who says yes and shows up on time, looking great and ready to be of service but that is not the reality for me right now. I really miss my boyfriend and I'm pretty heartbroken about his disease, my response to it and all else.
Instead of saying yes and then flaking on the commitment (which I have done before with this morning meeting) I just said no. I find it weird I feel bad about it.
Does anyone else constantly feel like they aren't doing enough in their program and they should be way past this stage or getting better and it feels like it's getting worse.?
It's very discouraging.
Thanks always for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you to say NO.
She had no right to give you any looks. Thing is, meetings are there for you to heal. Once you are in a better place you may consider helping out, until then, you have no obligation at all. If you do things in too much of a rush, no only are you doing a disservice to yourself, but to others as well.
Be well and take your time!
She had no right to give you any looks. Thing is, meetings are there for you to heal. Once you are in a better place you may consider helping out, until then, you have no obligation at all. If you do things in too much of a rush, no only are you doing a disservice to yourself, but to others as well.
Be well and take your time!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
if we can't say no at an alanon meeting, where CAN we?
kayleezen - you are doing just fine - keep gong to meetings, keep on trucking, you will feel better soon!
"No." is a complete sentence.
You don't have to offer anyone any explanation or excuse but if it would make you feel less guilty you said it perfectly yourself: "I really want to be the person who says yes and shows up on time, looking great and ready to be of service but that is not the reality for me right now!" And don't add "Sorry!!"
We codies are often super sensitive to what we assume other people are thinking or feeling. Maybe that lady just has resting bitch face! And if she made a face so what? Her problem.
Hang in there!
Peace,
B
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I had someone snap at me once during a group business meeting. My feelings were hurt, I "felt" all kinds of things. I got through it, beyond it and looking back it was a huge growth moment for both of us, probably BECAUSE we never had to speak about that incident or analyze it.... we simply owned our parts, our own feelings... took next right actions and moved ahead.
Often it's the rocky things in group meetings and with other members that give me GREAT opportunity for growth.
I'm even allowed to ignore certain people who rub me wrong and there is nothing personal about it... I simply don't have to.
And in other times I've been lead to dealing with and being kind to people who really irritated me... and I'm now very good friends with them and thankful to have them in my life.
Listen to your heart, your gut, your HP. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Did she want help setting out literature, or wanted you to take over maintaining the literature inventory?
Just curious.
It sounds as though you are not ready yet to be of service, and that is just fine.
You need to work on your recovery first.
I will say, though, that I took great joy in being of service to my home group, and it helped me a lot within my recovery.
I was a general rep for the group and I also chaired frequently.
So I hope at some point, when you are feeling steadier, you will think about a service position.
Hang in there.
Just curious.
It sounds as though you are not ready yet to be of service, and that is just fine.
You need to work on your recovery first.
I will say, though, that I took great joy in being of service to my home group, and it helped me a lot within my recovery.
I was a general rep for the group and I also chaired frequently.
So I hope at some point, when you are feeling steadier, you will think about a service position.
Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Did she want help setting out literature, or wanted you to take over maintaining the literature inventory?
Just curious. Hang in there.
Just curious. Hang in there.
Thank you for your response.
She wanted me to take over the literature commitment set up every Monday morning and she would handle the inventory. I work Sunday nights until 10 pm and getting to these morning meetings can be tricky. I am in Los Angeles and although the meeting is close, I am not a morning person and traffic happens at that hour. I've run late often enough to know what I'm up against.
Right now if someone asks me to share or lead a meeting, I do it and I try to talk to people after meetings and make outreach calls.
I just finally found a temporary sponsor to read my 1st step to Monday and that's the best I can do at the moment.
Eventually when I'm feeling better I would like to be of more service but my recovery today is not saying yes when I can't do my best.
I don't want to be that person who is unreliable, I already have enough of that around me at the moment if you know what I mean.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I have difficulty with morning stuff as well.
Glad you found a sponsor and are working the steps.
I think that over time your recovery will get stronger and stronger.
Supporting you here as well.
Glad you found a sponsor and are working the steps.
I think that over time your recovery will get stronger and stronger.
Supporting you here as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Thank you
Originally Posted by Maudcat
I have difficulty with morning stuff as well.
Glad you found a sponsor and are working the steps.
I think that over time your recovery will get stronger and stronger.
Supporting you here as well.
Glad you found a sponsor and are working the steps.
I think that over time your recovery will get stronger and stronger.
Supporting you here as well.
I often feel very discouraged because I'm not new and I've been in the program for a while. I see newcomers jump in and their lives improve quickly, that hasn't been my story. However I know it's our own way and pace and it takes what it takes.
I think some of us with outside issues like depression may have a trickier path, at least I have. The hardest thing has been putting myself out there because I'm so defensive and shut down easily. I let all that go during this last round with my qualifier. I started sharing at meetings, sitting in the front and posting here.
It has definitely helped. Reaching out to others in the same situation to offer my experience, strength and hope helps the most too.
Thanks again.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Hugs)))
Thank you for posting this thread. I had to say "No" yesterday to a family event. When sending the text message, I thought of this thread and how I learned to do these things. I used to feel several days of self blame, shame and unworthiness after something less important.
Today I'm able to move onward and forward with trusting myself to make good decisions.
Hang in there!! It does get better!!!
We each have our own path for a reason. One day at a time.
Thank you for posting this thread. I had to say "No" yesterday to a family event. When sending the text message, I thought of this thread and how I learned to do these things. I used to feel several days of self blame, shame and unworthiness after something less important.
Today I'm able to move onward and forward with trusting myself to make good decisions.
Hang in there!! It does get better!!!
We each have our own path for a reason. One day at a time.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
kayleezen,
I also have dealt with depression and other issues that seemed to "slow down" my healing. Looking at it today... just for today... maybe it's instead bringing me a deeper healing.... maybe that's all I really wanted. Healing that goes down to my roots and will keep me grounded no matter what comes in the future.
While my sponsor walked with me on part of my path, other "sponsors" showed up in many ways along the line. My depression, my health issues, abuse and trauma... all had healthy people coming into my life in different ways who showed my how to allow wellness into my life. This was and IS a process. A good one. It simply didn't feel good at times because I had wounds that need great healing.
How are you doing, today?
I also have dealt with depression and other issues that seemed to "slow down" my healing. Looking at it today... just for today... maybe it's instead bringing me a deeper healing.... maybe that's all I really wanted. Healing that goes down to my roots and will keep me grounded no matter what comes in the future.
While my sponsor walked with me on part of my path, other "sponsors" showed up in many ways along the line. My depression, my health issues, abuse and trauma... all had healthy people coming into my life in different ways who showed my how to allow wellness into my life. This was and IS a process. A good one. It simply didn't feel good at times because I had wounds that need great healing.
How are you doing, today?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Mango blast
How are you doing, today?
Honestly I am struggling. I am meeting with a new temporary sponsor to read my 1st Step tomorrow and I am functioning a lot better in some ways but I am really having a hard time leaving my qualifier.
He's in treatment and I want to let go but the truth is, that is not where my heart is at all. From there I beat myself up and listen to all the negative talk about what a hopeless and miserable life I am destined to have.
Plus I have a teenager who is acting out (normal safe stuff like chores and attitude) but with his Dad trying to take custody from me constantly it feels like I'm going to lose my son.
I have raised him somewhat alone since he was 3.
The contrary action was I got up and went outside
(I live in Los Angeles so always some sun).
I walked to Starbucks and got out of the house, you know? That is a good coping mechanism for me because days before this I could barely get out of bed. I have work now which is a joy because I am a mental health counselor and work with wonderful, insightful teens who appreciate me unlike my son these days.
Thanks so much for asking!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hi kayleezen,
It IS a great coping skill. ...and coping skills become part of daily living of a new kind... one of enjoying the moment we're in, having fun, smelling the coffee, forgiving ourselves and others, moving ahead in new ways...
A few months ago my husband relapsed, again. I went No Contact. Today, in a little while, I'm meeting with him to go shopping, grab something to eat and have fun together. He's currently in recovery, sober again... not dry drunk or negative. And here we are on a new day, without preconceived notions of who we're supposed to be or what we need to do to move ahead... enjoyment of this day, this moment IS enough. I am ENOUGH in my own skin, in my own life. My subconscious is no longer fighting against my conscious mind. In that, life is changing quickly and greatly.
30+ years of marriage and many good times I'm now recoonecting with on a new level. Alcoholism creates hate, chasms and chaos. Recovery is not "logical" in any way.
Our 11 year old son has several years of Alanon/Alakid/Alateen plus other counseling and therapy. Our older children are adults with their own dysfunctions and coping skills, doing very well on many levels.... I get to enjoy different relationships with each of them without changing who they are or their experience. They've each been hurt and traumatized by Alcoholism also. Having been through the recovery process, I now TRUST we each will get the healing we need in our own timeframe.
Our older kids are currently closer to their dad than me. That hurts! Yet life goes on, my life is getting much better... I trust my relationships with them will also.
It IS a great coping skill. ...and coping skills become part of daily living of a new kind... one of enjoying the moment we're in, having fun, smelling the coffee, forgiving ourselves and others, moving ahead in new ways...
A few months ago my husband relapsed, again. I went No Contact. Today, in a little while, I'm meeting with him to go shopping, grab something to eat and have fun together. He's currently in recovery, sober again... not dry drunk or negative. And here we are on a new day, without preconceived notions of who we're supposed to be or what we need to do to move ahead... enjoyment of this day, this moment IS enough. I am ENOUGH in my own skin, in my own life. My subconscious is no longer fighting against my conscious mind. In that, life is changing quickly and greatly.
30+ years of marriage and many good times I'm now recoonecting with on a new level. Alcoholism creates hate, chasms and chaos. Recovery is not "logical" in any way.
Our 11 year old son has several years of Alanon/Alakid/Alateen plus other counseling and therapy. Our older children are adults with their own dysfunctions and coping skills, doing very well on many levels.... I get to enjoy different relationships with each of them without changing who they are or their experience. They've each been hurt and traumatized by Alcoholism also. Having been through the recovery process, I now TRUST we each will get the healing we need in our own timeframe.
Our older kids are currently closer to their dad than me. That hurts! Yet life goes on, my life is getting much better... I trust my relationships with them will also.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have your own path to walk, kaylee......right now your focus must be on you exclusively, today......build your own recovery ladder, and climb the rungs one by one. if you need to stop and rest, or even climb back down for a while, that's ok.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I still struggle with saying "No" without feeling guilty! My boss actually had the nerve to ask me to give up my maternity leave due to an unexpected situation with the substitute at work.....I mean I'm upset he even asked!! And when I said no he tried to make me feel guilty. But I'm holding firm....I mean it's my DAUGHTER....wow.
Good on you for saying no and if she gave you a dirty look that's HER ISSUE not yours.
Good on you for saying no and if she gave you a dirty look that's HER ISSUE not yours.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Alcoholics act and we react. No one can tell the drinker anything—he or she calls all the shots. Alcohol fosters an exaggerated sense of confidence and well-being, prompting the drinker to act like a little god with all the answers. At the same time the drinker becomes increasingly irrational. In response, we argue, trying to get him or her to see more realistically. It becomes essential to prove we are right. As time passes, we continue to justify our own positions, yet in the face of the alcoholic’s vehemence, we begin to doubt ourselves and our perceptions. If the alcoholic has told us that the drinking is our fault because we are so noisy or so disobedient, we become compulsively quiet or strive for perfect obedience night and day, regardless of the cost to ourselves. In time, the more confident the alcoholic seems, the more insecure we become. We begin to agree even when we know that what is being said is wrong. We do whatever is demanded of us to avoid conflict, knowing that we never seem to win any arguments or convince the alcoholic that we are right. We lose the ability to say “no."
- How Alanon Works
- How Alanon Works
"No." is a beautiful sentence. Congrats to all of us, each time we say it.
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