Trying to make it through....one day at a time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Why exactly do you need to sit down with him and talk about your boundaries? They are for you, not him. He will learn them as he bumps into them....
BAW81: Wow, that honestly did not occur to me. I guess I don't need to discuss with him. I actually like this plan better. Thank you.
BAW81: Wow, that honestly did not occur to me. I guess I don't need to discuss with him. I actually like this plan better. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by inquiringmind 
Why exactly do you need to sit down with him and talk about your boundaries? They are for you, not him. He will learn them as he bumps into them....
BAW81: Wow, that honestly did not occur to me. I guess I don't need to discuss with him. I actually like this plan better. Thank you.
BAW81: Wow, that honestly did not occur to me. I guess I don't need to discuss with him. I actually like this plan better. Thank you.
This is as much about YOUR recovery as it is his. I encourage you to take a good look at how you have been doing things and your first instinct on how to do things and ask yourself why and if they are good for YOU and your kids?
I know for me, I don't exactly trust my first instincts because they are what got me into my own mess. I am now giving myself time and space to process situations and then act and it's made the world of difference.
Sending you strength!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
Well, I had some great advice and went into the weekend feeling strong.......but, strong I am not!
RAH showed up around 1:30 am Friday/Saturday. Said he realized he just wanted to be home with me, in our bed....like he was surprising me! I was 1/2 asleep and annoyed, but rolled over and went back to sleep. Didn't speak to him, touch him, just went to sleep.
The next morning, I had planned an outing with my 3 boys, He was supposed to come over to watch them that afternoon while I went to see a friend from college. I told him he could come with the boys and me, but he wanted to sleep in. He ended up meeting us for lunch. I was frustrated with him for showing up in the middle of the night and then again for choosing to stay in bed while he could have been enjoying time with his boys. But, they were happy to see him for lunch. Anyways, he sat down and - low and behold - OUR song comes on the restaurant radio. I try to ignore it, but he asks me if I notice what's playing. Now he is smiling...winking at me...being Mr. Charming. I am okay, until he asks if I want to go on a date that night. WHAT?!?! All I wanted all week while I sat home lonely was a date, a normal - the way things used to be - date with my husband. Time with the guy I fell in love with - the guy that all but disappeared back in late September when this rapid down spiral took over my life and shattered my world as I knew it.
I am weak. I agreed, and we had the BEST time on Saturday. It was nearly perfect...I say nearly b/c while at dinner my RAH (with just 20 days of sobriety) orders himself a glass of wine. BOOM...just like that. Back to drinking. He only had 2 glasses, and I tried to not make a big deal, but I did share my disappointment with him. The next morning he seemed remorseful and said it was a 1 day at a time battle. We took our boys to their wrestling tournament Sunday, and once home, he left. Said he was headed to a meeting and then back to his friends where he has been staying. All in all...a good weekend. I (silly me) felt like progress was being made.
Well....fast forward to today....when taking the trash out, I find an empty cup from the local bar that clearly has red wine in it. I guess that's where he was prior to showing up at 1:30 am. Then I come across some shady purchases on our online banking....purchases that would put him in a different city for most of the evening last night (while he was supposedly at an AA meeting) a city that continues to pop up on the bank statement....one that he has no reason to be in. I tried to rationalize that he has AA in this town, and he may, but something isn't adding up. Now, on top of the fact that he is clearly still drinking, he is hiding something else as well....another lady, maybe?!? He swears not! I can't be positive. I am sick.
2 steps forward.....3 steps back. Shame on me. I should've known better.
RAH showed up around 1:30 am Friday/Saturday. Said he realized he just wanted to be home with me, in our bed....like he was surprising me! I was 1/2 asleep and annoyed, but rolled over and went back to sleep. Didn't speak to him, touch him, just went to sleep.
The next morning, I had planned an outing with my 3 boys, He was supposed to come over to watch them that afternoon while I went to see a friend from college. I told him he could come with the boys and me, but he wanted to sleep in. He ended up meeting us for lunch. I was frustrated with him for showing up in the middle of the night and then again for choosing to stay in bed while he could have been enjoying time with his boys. But, they were happy to see him for lunch. Anyways, he sat down and - low and behold - OUR song comes on the restaurant radio. I try to ignore it, but he asks me if I notice what's playing. Now he is smiling...winking at me...being Mr. Charming. I am okay, until he asks if I want to go on a date that night. WHAT?!?! All I wanted all week while I sat home lonely was a date, a normal - the way things used to be - date with my husband. Time with the guy I fell in love with - the guy that all but disappeared back in late September when this rapid down spiral took over my life and shattered my world as I knew it.
I am weak. I agreed, and we had the BEST time on Saturday. It was nearly perfect...I say nearly b/c while at dinner my RAH (with just 20 days of sobriety) orders himself a glass of wine. BOOM...just like that. Back to drinking. He only had 2 glasses, and I tried to not make a big deal, but I did share my disappointment with him. The next morning he seemed remorseful and said it was a 1 day at a time battle. We took our boys to their wrestling tournament Sunday, and once home, he left. Said he was headed to a meeting and then back to his friends where he has been staying. All in all...a good weekend. I (silly me) felt like progress was being made.
Well....fast forward to today....when taking the trash out, I find an empty cup from the local bar that clearly has red wine in it. I guess that's where he was prior to showing up at 1:30 am. Then I come across some shady purchases on our online banking....purchases that would put him in a different city for most of the evening last night (while he was supposedly at an AA meeting) a city that continues to pop up on the bank statement....one that he has no reason to be in. I tried to rationalize that he has AA in this town, and he may, but something isn't adding up. Now, on top of the fact that he is clearly still drinking, he is hiding something else as well....another lady, maybe?!? He swears not! I can't be positive. I am sick.
2 steps forward.....3 steps back. Shame on me. I should've known better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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inquiringmind.....it helps to be on guard, at all times, for the efforts of the alcoholic to return to the status quo of your relationship. It is like a drive, for them....as strong as the drive that sends the salmon upstream......
It is based on their need to feel good...or, at least, feel better.....like a drink makes one feel better....It is not based on a program or a plan that has sobriety as the first priority....
He seems to be responding to his own needs....with little regard for respecting your needs, in the situation...
He also knows your very well....lol--they all learn our soft spots and hot buttons...and, tend to go with what worked for them, in the past...when they tried to influence us. (lol...guess you can't blame a guy for trying...?)
I suggest that you do what so many of us have done...to keep yourself centered when they put on the full course press (from basketball).....
Make a list of the most important reasons that you have your current boundaries...what made them necessary, in the first place. Keep that list handy, on a piece of paper, and read it as many time as you need to....You may have to read it over and over and over.....
When we have boundaries....it is always OUR job to enforce them. It is our job to be the sentry on guard.....
You will get smarter and more skill at this as time goes on....
It is based on their need to feel good...or, at least, feel better.....like a drink makes one feel better....It is not based on a program or a plan that has sobriety as the first priority....
He seems to be responding to his own needs....with little regard for respecting your needs, in the situation...
He also knows your very well....lol--they all learn our soft spots and hot buttons...and, tend to go with what worked for them, in the past...when they tried to influence us. (lol...guess you can't blame a guy for trying...?)
I suggest that you do what so many of us have done...to keep yourself centered when they put on the full course press (from basketball).....
Make a list of the most important reasons that you have your current boundaries...what made them necessary, in the first place. Keep that list handy, on a piece of paper, and read it as many time as you need to....You may have to read it over and over and over.....
When we have boundaries....it is always OUR job to enforce them. It is our job to be the sentry on guard.....
You will get smarter and more skill at this as time goes on....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
inquiringmind - My therapist said something to me that I think about a lot. It's pretty simple but has been really helpful:
"You're learning. It's OK to make a mistake. Just learn from them and they will help you do better the next time."
Give yourself a break and think of what happened as another experience for you to learn from...If you don't want him coming over in the middle of the night, tell him to leave. If you don't want to be around him when he's drinking and he orders a drink, you can leave.
"You're learning. It's OK to make a mistake. Just learn from them and they will help you do better the next time."
Give yourself a break and think of what happened as another experience for you to learn from...If you don't want him coming over in the middle of the night, tell him to leave. If you don't want to be around him when he's drinking and he orders a drink, you can leave.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by inquiringmind
Well, it has been 2 weeks since my RAH (at my request) left to go stay at a friends house. It is more of a sober living house, as the friend is years into his own recovery and doesn't allow any alcohol in the house. He also attends meetings with my husband and hosts Bible studies. All in all, I feel like him being there is best case scenario for him right now.....but (there's always a but) I miss him SOOOOOO much! I feel as though our home is incomplete. Why?!? He put me through so much hell over the last 10 years (off and on..when it was good, it was amazing; when it was bad it was awful. The good was always way more frequent than the bad). The last 3 months, though, were almost more than I could handle. All that has occurred since October, when he began his downward spiral at a rapid descent, has left me broken. I am devastated at the thought of losing him, even though I know life like it was is no way to live. It is easier in so many ways with him gone, but I still just want him here. I just want him to walk through the door and take me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. I know I need to let go and "detach" and just don't know how...and don't know if I have the strength.
Enough of my venting, here's my question to those who have been there. Like I mentioned, he has been gone 2 weeks working on his recovery (Yes, I realize this is NOT long at all). In that time, he calls or texts each morning to check in, calls when I get off work each day, and typically again before he goes to bed. Our interactions have been friendly, no arguing, and I get little glimpses of the "old" him....the guy I fell in love with. We have 3 young boys, so I can't go no contact. This week, he has been by the house the past 5 days in a row. While I like seeing him, I feel like it makes it harder each time he leaves again. How do I set up boundaries, or what should healthy boundaries be? I want him to see the boys as much as possible. But, yesterday (and the days before) he just walked in unexpected. Saturday night, he actually showed up at 2 am. (stone cold sober to boot!). I think he is missing us??? Friends think he is fishing for invites or reasons to stop by when he texts me. Should I allow this/invite him. I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
I guess I just feel like I am in a state of limbo. Like, I know he needs this time to focus on his recovery and that should be his main priority. I know, at least I feel like right now, that I want to ultimately salvage our marriage. Is this crazy of me? Knowing all he has put me through? Could we ever even have a healthy marriage? (Sorry to ramble, just thinking out loud).
Enough of my venting, here's my question to those who have been there. Like I mentioned, he has been gone 2 weeks working on his recovery (Yes, I realize this is NOT long at all). In that time, he calls or texts each morning to check in, calls when I get off work each day, and typically again before he goes to bed. Our interactions have been friendly, no arguing, and I get little glimpses of the "old" him....the guy I fell in love with. We have 3 young boys, so I can't go no contact. This week, he has been by the house the past 5 days in a row. While I like seeing him, I feel like it makes it harder each time he leaves again. How do I set up boundaries, or what should healthy boundaries be? I want him to see the boys as much as possible. But, yesterday (and the days before) he just walked in unexpected. Saturday night, he actually showed up at 2 am. (stone cold sober to boot!). I think he is missing us??? Friends think he is fishing for invites or reasons to stop by when he texts me. Should I allow this/invite him. I want to be supportive, but I also want to protect myself/kids. I also don't want to be a doormat.
I guess I just feel like I am in a state of limbo. Like, I know he needs this time to focus on his recovery and that should be his main priority. I know, at least I feel like right now, that I want to ultimately salvage our marriage. Is this crazy of me? Knowing all he has put me through? Could we ever even have a healthy marriage? (Sorry to ramble, just thinking out loud).
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