Boyfriend acting really distant emotionally and Physically. About 30 days sober.
 

My boyfriend and I will have been dating a year in February. When I met him, he was 2 years sober. We clicked instantly. We both said it was our best relationship we’d ever been in. Best friends, great sex, completely trust him and all of that amazing stuff. About 3 months in, he decides that he wants to try drinking casually and me, not knowing anything about alcoholism, well I am a bit concerned but I trust him to know what he can handle. Fast forward about 7 months and he’s drinking every day. Not getting wasted, just consistently taking sips of vodka every couple of hours. He decides it’s out of control and he has to get sober again. That was about one month ago. Prior to this he was very loving and I knew how he felt about me. We had a very intamate and close relationship. We saw each other every day or at least took every opportunity that we had to be together. If we didn’t get to hang out, he would call. Now, 30 days into sobriety its been a complete downward slope. I have talked to him a handful of times while trying to remain supportive and understanding of the fact that his healing comes first. But it’s getting so bad. We were having sex at least once a week in the first 3 weeks of recovery but the last time I was there, he didn’t even kiss me. We always cuddle when watching movies and this time he sat on the other side of the couch the whole time. That was Sunday. I left Monday morning and I asked him to please call and text me. I’ve gotten almost nothing from him since I left Sunday which is so unusual and it makes me feel like ****. It’s such a 180 from where we were. When I talked to him about it he said we were too co-dependent before and he feels guilty about all of the other people that he’s shut out during the past year but that it’s not my fault. I understand that he’s going through a lot physically but also trying to rebuild his other relationships but I don’t understand why I’m the first one to get pushed aside. I know this all sounds selfish but I have been so supportive and been there for him through so much and I feel like instead of him seeing and appreciating that, he’s pushing me away like I’m a problem. It feels horrible and I don’t know if I should walk away or if that would be me abandoning him while he’s struggling with this. I’m scared too that maybe he only loved me when he was drinking and now he doesn’t love me anymore, sober. Has anyone else been through something like this? Please let me know.

Hi, Damnit.
Welcome.
I’m sorry for your situation, but glad you found us.
I don’t have answers for you, I’m afraid.
I can tell you that your story is not uncommon.
We are all over the place emotionally in early sobriety and sometimes it takes every ounce of resolve we have to stay in recovery.
How about takinga couple of steps back from the relationship?
Let him work his recovery while you take good care of yourself, maybe read around a bit about alcohol dependence/addiction.
I would also suggest Al-Anon, a group for people affected by a loved one’s drinking.
There is lots of support and understanding there, and lots to learn.
Time will tell as to where your relationship does or doesn’t go.
Good thoughts and hugs.

i wish i could share with you what it was like for me at 30 days sober.....but i really have very little recall!!! i just attended a LOT of AA meetings, every day, at least one. that was about all i could manage. i think i was working, yeah pretty sure, but again.........it was all a fog.

notice that YOU felt he was at his most LOVING while he was drinking. you said towards the end he was drinking EVERY DAY. so he was NEVER sober. always under the influence. so all the cuddly stuff.....that was all thru his haze of alcohol.

getting sober is tough. getting sober AGAIN is tougher. he doesn't know his behind from a hole in the ground right now. best to give him space, leave him be. he'll either come around.........or not.

This is what happened to me. Almost exactly. After he "tried" to get sober we were together all the time but he was distant. No interest in sex ( and he wanted it all the time before). I felt completely rejected after supporting him through all his lows. Now he hasn't talked to me in two weeks. I think he is battling with himself. And the want to drink. I personally think mine is off the wagon in a bad way. I'm just trying to give him his space and work on myself. Hugs to you. I know how you feel. It's not a good feeling.

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to share your advice and experiences. I will definitely look into Alnon. I just need some hope. I agree with all of you that I need to take a step back even further than I already have. If that’s what he needs than that’s what he needs and there’s nothing else I can do. To that last person who responded, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now as well. It’s a mind **** that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hope you find some peace and comfort. To that second person, I appreciate your response! He definitely has been consistently loving throughout and he was sober when we “fell in love” so I’m hoping that that’s not the case, although I do get insecure about it. I really don’t know. I’ll just have to wait and see I guess. I love him so much. I just want him to be healthy and happy so I guess that even if that means I’m not in the picture, that’s just what it looks like.

Oh I feel your pain right now. My situation is that a guy who I knew as a child came back into my life via Facebook. He is 2 years sober and we had just started what I thought was going to be a beautiful relationship. Then it all ended abruptly because he is going through the steps again with a new sponsor and that guy told him that he's not ready to be in a relationship. I'm hurting so much and feeling abandoned but I'm trying to stay strong and give him complete space. No contact on my end. I'm so sorry that you're hurting like this but I believe things will get better for you and for me.

Dammit
 

You are going through the same thing as me right now. Except he and I broke up but stayed friends. He has a bad alcohol addiction. He was also very loving and wanted spend time with me at the beginning but he was also drunk most of the time. Then he started shutting me out about a month ago saying he trying to get his life back together and be the man I met all them years ago. It hurt because I love him so much. I still do even after the breakup. We remained friends after but its tough because I still have hope for us. He said a week ago he still loves me no matter what I may think and he has alot going on in his life. I was like you always there for him through rough times and I'm the first one he pushes away. It hurts. Message me a private message so we can talk about our situations because I am so lost without him.

IMHO you are in the process of ruining your life. this is based on my personal experience over the last 20 years as well as of others in the same boat . Save yourself. Please start going to Alanon ASAP. If, after six meetings, you don't feel like it is helping try something else, but give it six meetings. good luck to you.

When I was just 30 days sober my brain had just come out of the fog I was in, and my ability to make good use of it wasn't really even there yet.


Let him focus on him for a while. You focus on you. It takes time to recover, and it just can't be sped up.

I know you got plenty of great advice here but I just want to tell you good luck and that I hope you can find the strength to let him work on his issues on his own, nobody deserves feeling like **** and unwanted from their SO.

If he is open and willing to take the steps to improve the relationship, then great. It may be slow but he needs to be actively TRYING.

If he does not want to fix things with himself -- and his relationship with you -- then you have your answer.

When an active alcoholic stops drinking he feels very cranky. I described early sobriety as feeling like 24/7 PMS in a full moon. Suddenly all these feelings come up and there's no anesthesia. You feel deep shame and feel very depressed. Eventually it passes but for many it takes a long time.

Thank you all for the help and advice. He ended up dumping me so I guess I just didn’t fit into his new lifestyle. Which is wildly insulting and confusing. I’m a hard worker, I don’t drink, I supported and loved him through all of the crap and now I get the boot as soon as the long awaited right decisions began to be made. We were best friends and he really convinced me he loved me. I’m so angry and hurt. At this point I just feel like “Fuck you, then. Good luck.”

I think this is one case where the old "It's not you..it's me." is applicable. You no longer have to deal with it though. I was going through the "cloud" last night deleting any trace of my ex(kept getting "remember this day" reminders with our pics) and saw some pics of me and my friends/life when we were not together throughout the years....I looked so happy and content! That's how I'm starting to feel again now. The weight is gone.

Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. It is cunning, baffling and powerful.

He is fighting for his life.

This is not a personal reflection on you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.