heartbroke1008

Living with a Sober A is very hard sometimes. I'm not sure if what we are expirencing now is "dry drunk" behavior or just issues of being sober. My A seems to be very selfish about everything. We can only watch what he wants on tv or else it is stupid and he complains the whole time. We can only go out to eat where he wants or he makes it a miserable experience by complaining the whole time. We can not do anything unless it is what he wants or ...he complains.

I am trying to do more by myself it is hard to do when he is in the house. I want to be a happy person...I just feel like it is hard to do when someone is complaining about the things you like...saying they are stupid. I wonder why are you staying with me if I am so stupid. Why am I staying with you if you think I'm so stupid. I deserve better. Anyways...we had a really horrible fight Saturday at which he kicked a plant and got dirt all over me...kinda funny now that I look back on it. We must have looked like children. All because I did not want to do it his way. I said why cant we just compromise. He said no...it just has to be your way from now on. Very manipulative talking on his part. Then he was gonna leave me again. I said okay go ahead and go. Then he said no you need my check to pay your bills. All I could do was laugh. They are our bills....not just mine. I payed all our bills alone when he left and when he was not working.

I gues my question is does it get better. Do the Sober A's every get it together? If so is there any sort of time line. He has been sober 6 months now. It seems worse now than we he was first sober. Someone told me one time that there are time marks that are really hard for the sober A (6 month, 12 month, 18 month) Is that so? Any information on this would be helpful.

I am really starting to feel like none of this is worth it. If it is gonna get worse instead of better what is the point?

ASpouse

Does he go to AA meetings? He does not sound like he is working the program if he is going. Does he have a sponsor if he is attending?

The other thing I wanted to say is that just because someone is not drinking does not mean they are living a life of sobriety, your AH sounds sober but certainly not living a life of sobriety.

heartbroke1008

He does go to meetings and he has a sponsor but he doesnt see his sponsor very much at all anymore. I have suggested....only suggested...that he get a new sponsor and talk about his feelings to a new sponsor. He agrees but never follows through with it. We are going to a marriage counselor this week...hopefully that will help some. I know I can not control his recovery so I'm not sure what to do at this point. He seems to think he is fine and sober and that is good enough. I know I could have handled our fight a little bit more maturely...a lot more maturely. I am starting to feel like he is acting the same way he did when he was using.

ASpouse

Maybe he's using again???

Are you going to Al Anon to help yourself and get well?

heartbroke1008

Yes, I'm going to alanon meetings as well as reading this site and it has helped a lot. I dont know if he is using or not. He does not have any money...I know that doesnt mean anything but it does hender them some. I think he is just not working his recovery like he should. Only he can make the choice to work it like he should. I just talked to him and he went to a meeting and they were talking about how messed up in the head A's are even after they become sober. He said he needed to hear that. Thats sounds like a good thing...that he is listening in his meetings. Who knows. I just do not know how to communicate with him about the way things are going right now. I'm just really confused about this whole thing.

DrFrier

Heartbroke,

You are an expert at taking your AH's inventory. I wonder if you spend as much time going over yours with your sponsor?

If you have a program, work it.

Good Luck,

Jim

ASpouse

Good point Jim, us CoDe's tend to forget that.

heartbroke1008

I am really not trying to take his inventory. I do take as much time taking my inventory and working very hard at my character defects. I am just trying to understand if what we are experiencing in our relationship right now is "dry drunk" behavior. I was simply responding to questions asked by someone else on this board.

ASpouse

I think it's different in everycase. Just like anything, recovery and sobriety mean different things to different people. I think that is why it's so hard for us enablers to understand our A's.

Dan

I read this thread differently I guess. When I see this... ... I see a person trying to figure things out and establish some kind of common ground maybe, where the two parties concerned might perhaps hear eachother.
This is just me, but the only inventory taking I see here is in your post Jim.

It does get better heartbroke, but it's a lot of work for us addicts and alcoholics. And we sometimes fall short, in our eyes, and in the eyes of our loved ones.
Best of luck to you both.

heartbroke1008

Thank you Dan. I was feeling rather mis understood. I really do want to work things out with my husband. I know we both misunderstand each other a lot of the time. We do not see things from the same point of reference.

I know it is hard for Codies to not loose themselves when dealing with the A even if they are sober now. I just want to be heard and not be a doormat. It is hard to know when you are being a doormat or when you are being difficult. I do not want to be difficult. I know it is very hard for him to stay sober but I have to set boundries. It is just hard to find a healthy balance. That is why I post here to get insight from people who have had expirences with this and came through it.

StandingStrong

Just another thing you might want to think about. Of course, I'm not sure it applies to your marriage but it may help.
When a person is an addictive user, that is their normal life.
As with the person that is not the addict, but living with an A - that type of lifestyle becomes normal to them.
Maybe not "normal" but more like - it's just how it is.
How long was your husband an active drinker? You see, I ask because they really may not know how to communicate now. they are no longer drinking, there are no more raging fights between the two of you which is how they communicated.
I'm hoping that your marriage counselor can help you find techniques that work for you. And I hope that your husband continues on his recovery and starts going back to AA again and finds a good sponsor.

Cap3

Ahhh,yes "stupid".yupper i sure do remember those days.My hub thought everything i did,say,and was, was,"stupid".and never failed to inform me about it,at every, opportunity, that he got.Ya know this made me feel so,so bad about myself.That i made changes about myself.And changes,,and changes.Didnt work.. For i was still told i was "stupid",or what i was doing,or,saying was just plain...stupid....As im living in recovery a thought came to me.Who married me?..He did...hmmm..if im stupid,,and he married me,,does that make him "stupider?"..hehehee,.As he is pointing his finger at me,i noticed that 3 were pointing towards...him...smile...Sick folk,,talk sick.Until they gain some sort of recovery.Him saying this to me,and im only speaking about myself here,hurt me,,because i felt that i was.I had no self-love.No self -esteem.So i recieved what he was saying.,and was hurt by it.Him on the other hand was spilling out towards me,,all that he felt about,himself...2. sick folks.I stoped taking what he said so very seriously.Sick folk talk sick,,its true.As im becomming stronger in recovery,working my programs,im starting to feel better within myself.Grabing a sence of humor.I know what he is saying isnt true,..Its not how im feeling or what i know about myself.So,i dont get upset by it.I stoped playing into it..As he is growing into his own recovery,he eventually stop.Recovery for us both has been a process...one day at a time..
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!

Magichappens

Sometimes "it" doesn't get better. When I reached my bottom, I gave Al-Anon a year before I made any major decisions about whether to stay or leave. I threw myself into applying the program to the best of my ability. It was a year this month. I am still with Mr Magic. He has gotten better. Not as better as I'd like in my perfect world, but then neither am I.

What has changed is that I am a stronger person. Instead of needing to be in this relationship, I choose to be there. I feel that I am strong enough to make the decisions that are beneficial to me. This gives me the freedom to evaluate my situation with detachment and some courage.

I know that most decisions don't have to be made today. Time gives me better perspective. It gives situations a chance to work out without my interference. It gives me time to sort out the questions and doubts. No one can predict the future, for themself or someone else. Giving things time will show me the direction I need to take.

Waiting and keeping the focus on me is hard, but in the end it has helped my situation. I have a clear direction for today, and less fear of tomorrow. Hugs, Magic

Blondie

Heartbroke1008 I think I understand where your coming from. I've tried to work things out with my husband when he stopped drinking, but it was hard to get a handle on exactly where our marriage stood and how he was doing because he was a dry drunk and he thought that just quitting the drinking would "fix" everything. It is very, very difficult to try to work on a marriage when you don't know exactly what you are working with or if the other person is on the same page. Honest communication in our marriage is nearly impossible.

Now my AH is almost finished 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I can see he is reverting back to the same attitudes and sarcasm and self-pity that he always started with in the past. When he starts that behavior it was ALWAYS a downward spiral. We were working things out over the last six months (I thought) after his near fatal accident and resulting DUI, but it is beginning to look like it was all a "good boy act" that he has pulled before when he got into trouble. I just would like to know where are marriage stands, is he REALLY willing to work things out (or is it just an act to impress the judge and get me and everybody else "back in line"), do we have hope or should I just move on with my life alone. Is that how you are feeling?

ashleighnb

I have often told friends and family that I think I enjoyed my husband better when he was using. He was always the life of the party, everyone's best friend and tried extremely hard not to upset me in any way. I know now what this is all about but it makes it no less tough for you. I remember sitting in an al-anon meeting just a few days before my husband got out of rehab listening to the group talk about the amount of time it took for their partners to start assimilating back into things once they had begun a serious course of recovery (for some it took years). I can see myself now leaving there saying - I don't have years, I have put enough of my life on hold and things MUST change immediately. Guess what, they didn't! It has been about a year and a half and my husband is still getting his head straight. It is so easy to lose sight of this disease as something that will face them for the rest of their life that's why one day at a time is so important but the days do start to add up quickly. Getting sober is a selfish act - this is what my husband has learned and at first annoyed me to no end when he would say "I have to do this my way", but I understand this now and appreciate him taking that responsbility and not trying to place it on anyone else when there is truly nothing we can do to make it work. Now that he is in recovery he is starting to have opinions and making decisions and contributing to our life on a more respnsible level. This is very tough for someone who has always assumed control and never had someone else to turn to for that input. I could talk all day about living sober and sober living! It is not easy and it is not fun but eventually things start to fall into place and it becomes predictable and that is worth so much!

Veronica

Ash, thanks for your post. It sounds like you have dealt with what I am going through now. My AH is 36 days sober and I want our marriage to be the way it "should" be - as if the alcoholism didn't steal 2 years of our marriage. I am working through being patient. It's just so hard. I feel like my life has been on hold and now I want it all back. I feel so bad - my AH is doing so well and he's doing the absolutel best he can...the only thing that keeps me from being happy is the idea of how things "should" be. I need to just enjoy my AH's sobriety and realize our relationship will fall into place - I just don't know how. It's like the longer he is sober, the more I realize what I missed and it makes me angry.... Anyway, I can relate to a lot of what has been posted here. Thanks for letting me share.