My RAH Left Me & I’m So Angry/Hurt
 

My husband of 18 yrs admitted his alcoholism after he admitted his affair back in early Dec, literally the next day he started AA and was aplogetic, empathetic, started marriage counseling, etc.

For a few weeks things were very good, bumpy at times mostly because of my hurt over the affair. But now, after returning from a business trip out of state he suddenly has too much resentment towards me and senses it from me and wants to separate from me so we can both get our emotions in check. He was about 42 days sober when he told me he wanted to separate.

Mind you, before he had admitted the affair he had told me he wanted a divorce and raged at me with an intensity like never before. I forgave As much as I could in such a short time and admitted my own overspending and financial shortcomings. Well now he’s using the financial stuff as his reason to distance himself from me and our two kids.

His abandoning us yet again has enraged me and caused a significant fight when he came to the house today to get a few things. Mind you he hasn’t spent any time at all with his kids in almost 2 weeks either. According to him he is sober now and finally really “sees” me. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. I’m finding it difficult to not cry when I think of it.

He has been horrible to me over the years while using. How does he go from having remorse and supposedly working the steps to coming over just to torture me more? His moods and behavior towards me has been erratic but I’m friends with his sponsors wife and she keeps being told how great he’s doing in the program. I didn’t kick him out when he admitted his alcoholism and the affair, I tried to be kind and supportive of his recovery even though all the time spent at meetings has neglected me and the kids more than ever, yet he is sober now and sees me as some awful person?

My best friend is also in AA and she’s convinced he’s drinking again even though he’s going to meetings. Inexplicably moving into an extended stay after coming back from a business trip? Avoiding me and the kids? Now telling me he’s getting an apartment? What the hell is going on? Any insight is appreciated. My heart is broken right now.

Many prayers Jewelstar.

I would suggest Al-anon meetings. It might help you dealing with an alcoholic. As an recovered alcoholic, my experience was that I was still "crazy" up to 9 months into sobriety. Because an alcoholic stops drinking and goes to AA meetings, doesn't mean they will change overnight. And they might never change their attitude toward someone or something. I would suggest to you that you should work on yourself. Don't engage with your estranged husband. Set up healthy boundaries and stick to them. Take the high road and let him be nasty. He can't argue against a passive listener. You said you're heading toward a divorce, therefore be kind to him and document when he is being irrational and illogical. Actually document when he is being nice and rational. This will show the court your objectiveness and willingness to work with him. It will help you not only in legal sense but with your sanity. A mantra I remember when dealing with unreasonable people, "If you have to choose between being kind or right, be kind you will never be wrong."

Many prayers

Hi JS, it sounds to me like he's restarted his affair. What's your instinct? The resentment could be because he's trying to justify his actions, or perhaps he sees you as blocking the way to what he wants. I could be wrong, but it seems strange its happened after a trip out of town.
As for drinking, time will tell. It's possible he is sober but now obsessing about something else.
Look after yourself, keep your own mental welfare in the front of your mind and seek support. You can get through this, and probably to a brighter future.

Hi jewelstar, so sorry you are going through this. He could be drinking again; it could also be that he simply is too early being sober that his attitude has not been modified yet - from my understanding, the first few days (maybe longer, I am not sure cuz I am not an alcoholic) there is a lot of anger because they can’t have what they want - which is to drink. I went through this with my recovering AH. He was more nasty than ever the first couple of weeks to a month after he got sober, and made me question if he had quit and I found myself looking for the evidence again and then I stopped and started to move forward with my life. It was not easy. But you need to look out for your welfare and the kids’. Obviously he is not going to.
Take care and hugs to you. Keep posting and I agree al anon may help you...

My exah acted like he dodged a massive bullet by us divorcing when he came out of rehab the first time. He said I was the reason he had drank and he had some strange attitudes he got in rehab no doubt from the lies he'd told the therapist in there. 5 more rehabs in he's shut up now. Even he can't blame me now we are divorced 3 years. I am nc with him now but he made snidy remarks about me being fat and having no sense of humour ( I think I lost that during his 20 years of active drinking while married to me lol). He told me one truthful thing that he'd only married me for my money and house. It hurt at the time but I don't take it personally now. It could be early sobriety or it could be he's a horrible person anyway. My bet is tho he got someone else and is justifying himself being with her. Either way you are best out of it. ((hugs))

Just because someone attends AA does not mean they are in recovery at all.

I am so sorry you are hurting. Big hugs.

Jewel....lol....I am the one who is known for saying that I think there should be a "law" that the alcoholic should be required to live separately from the loved ones for at least a year of early recovery.....Like, at the top of a mountain in Napal....just to focus on recovery, alone. I think that would be more humane for all concerned...especially, the loved ones!

Your relationship has some extra thorn in it...due to the affair situation.....

This would be a good time to take the reins of your life into your own hands. It sounds, to me, like you desperately want to "save" the marriage.....That may or may not be possible....as there are never any guarantees.....
To my way of thinking, I don't think it would serve you to just accept his bouncing back and forth (in the future) according to his whims...with you as a passive and sad observer.
He wants space...? I suggest that you think of getting a LEGAL separation....which give you some boundaries. It would give you more of a feeling of being in control of your life, I would think.....

My first thoughts were the same as the other posters....drinking again? rekindled affair/new affair? Because, these are common occurances....or, it could be just alcoholism confusion and craziness......Who knows!
this is too much for you to sort through and figure out...
This is why you need the separation as much as him....to do a lot of learning...and working on your own self...for greater self knowledge and personal insight....as well as learning how to attend to your own welfare (and your children's)...as your first priority......

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read through them....knowledge is power.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Thank you all
 

I am feeling much better this morning after a lot of prayer and soul searching last night. All of your reaching out/words of wisdom helped greatly. I know I’m not alone is a huge comfort.

So this morning after a had written a prayer of my own personal gratitude to God I get a text from my RAH apologizing for his nasty behavior towards me. Although this changes nothing about our current living/relationship situation it gives me at least one day without war. I will savor it and continue to focus on me and my children.

One passage in my thankful prayer to God Today was the following, “Thank you for giving me freedom from my “fool” even though my insecure heart craves his love and approval more than it ever should”

When I was newly sober and having a tumultuous relationship with another recovering alcoholic (he had four years but no program), my sponsor said alcoholics have a very difficult time with relationships. I thought, maybe YOU do and I feel sorry for you. Now 26 years later I know what she said is true; I wouldn't get involved with another alcoholic if he was channeling Bill Wilson! Especially if he was channeling Bill Wilson who was a terrible womanizer until the day he died.

Oh man I so get the craving the love and approval of my qualifier (alcoholic/addict). It is so crazy to want this from someone who is pretty much off their rocker whether from the alcohol or the early stage of recovery.

Anyhow you could get more days without war? Ask hime to move out? Sigh, too bad there isn't that place for recovering alcoholics on a mountain in Nepal.

It sounds to me like he is either still drinking or not working the program like he should. Blaming and projecting onto you isn't healthy and isn't indicative of someone sober.

Also, I think he was either drinking on the business trip and/or seeing someone.

Please take care of YOU and your kids.

Jewelstar - I am glad you are feeling more centered after prayer and reflection. Please be easy on your self - easier said than done. I know that during this time, I tried to do things "I" enjoyed with friends/family that I could trust ... or even alone. I also documented and saved all of my XAH's texts because there would be apologies one day/accusations the next.

Moving any dialog to text/email regarding items/house/kids is very smart with the uncertainty of court. I never really knew what information would be useful but saved it all just in case. If it was mean/hurtful, I would not respond at all. I only would respond short, precise answers for the essentials.

As they say .... More will be revealed - about him? Yes. Although, I think I revealed more about my good qualities as a human, mother, sister and friend that I had lost along the way.

Sending you hugs and support friend.

GM