batchel9

For STBXAH to read my text messages without permission? We were at a shared event with the kids and he found my phone on the counter when he went to get something out of another room and read my texts. I filed for divorce 6 months ago and we no longer share a home. Our status should be very clear. We are supposed to finalize Feb 9. Of course he isn't happy with who I'm talking to or what I am saying. I feel like my privacy was violated and completely disrespected. Wonder if there are any actions I can take.

SparkleKitty

It is a gross violation, but I am not sure it is illegal. If he knows the passcode to get into your phone, or if you don't have one, then I am not sure you have anything to run with, Batchel. I'm sorry to hear he doesn't seem to get it yet.

If he can't respect that you are a separate person, entitled to your own privacy, it might be time to consider splitting this kids events moving forward so you don't put yourself at risk. Unfortunate, but it doesn't sound like you can trust him to be decent right now.

Mango blast

It's a huge boundary violation.

I'd take it as a warning and giant red flag to look at what other possible ways the alcoholic is ignoring boundaries and how I can choose to respond.

The more options I see that I have, the easier it is to turn to Plan B... turning my focus and physical distance far away from the alcoholic.

stargazer016

Definitely change your passcode and shorten the time before your phone locks. It might seem like a pain, but it will save things like this from happening in the future.

Ladybird579

My exah did this with my phone while we were separated and still living in the same house. He came in my room and took phone numbers off my phone of people in it and texted them "his side of things" Even the poor plumber got a version and my vet. Then one day I had locked my door to have a private conversation with a friend on the phone and he beat it down. I told him to stay out so he trapped my hand in the broken door. His argument was he wanted to make sure I was still faithful to him so I realised at that point he had no clue that when divorce is imminent it was none of his business who I spoke to on my phone. I think separating out events is wise. They do not get it but he would have been outraged if you'd done it to him.

Maudcat

Lock your phone.
If it was locked but he knows the passcode, change it.
He crossed the lne for sure.

Hangnbyathread

Disclaimer: I'm not at attorney. No advice I give you is meant to suggest otherwise. Any advice you get here may or may not reflect what an attorney will say about it nor reflect what an attorney may do in reality.

I don't know that there are any laws being broken. You could find an attorney that may tell you that for a sum of money they could do thus and such, but in domestic situations like this, the courts usually chalk it up to "You should know better" type responses. If he used those text to then publicly make false statements to others, or to use it to bring harm to others, then you may get better traction. I would think it has to be a point blank harm to others before it could get anywhere.

AnvilheadII

if you left your phone out, and it did not have a lock on it, ANYONE could have picked it up and looked at it. not saying that's RIGHT, but some people are snoops. and have no respect of boundaries or possessions.

did you ever snoop in his stuff? i'm not saying that if your answer is YES that gives him a free pass, only that rarely are any of us "snoop free".

so the lesson is - don't leave your phone lying around and keep it locked. since i use my phone to access work emails, company policy says i MUST HAVE it locked. yeah it's a pain, click on, swipe, tap tap tap tap, open! but security is required.

hopeful4

Even if it is illegal, it does not matter. It would be his word against yours. And I seriously doubt any law enforcement would take it seriously at all.

I agree with the others, password protect your phone. In this day and age, it's a necessity.

batchel9

I had it password protected but it isn't on a delay timer so wasn't locked yet. It was in a locked room. I have him the key to go get something we forgot for the kids. I thought about my phone being in there but he truly is always one step more psycho thank I expect him to be I guess.

He admitted to it via text. I'm documenting this and saving that and I think it is just one more thing that makes him look bad in court. Right?

hopeful4

Yes....well....maybe.

It depends on the judge. Family court 100% depends on your judge. If you really want to see how your judge is on things, show up in court and observe a few of their cases. It's enlightening.

Smarie78

This happened to be in the very beginning of our relationship. It was the first sign of abuse that I did not heed. He woke me very early and had me sit on the couch like a small child while he asked me in a soft but stern voice if I have been talking to other men. We were only together a few months and I wasn't seeing anyone else, but I had messaged a former suitor a few days earlier whom I had ignored when I got in the new relationship to let them know I met someone so was no longer interested. In my heart I knew I did nothing wrong, I wasn't flirting but because of my nature still felt the need to reach out to him and let him know I was now IAR. By the ABFs account, I should not have even reached out but let it go. Maybe that's true, but because I always feel bad about not people pleasing, I felt I should let the ex-suitor know. Even if the relationship was just a fling.

This moment ended up being one of the most humiliating moments of my life. Abf pulled my phone from the table and starting reading very private messages between me and the man PRIOR to meeting Abf. He read them aloud to me and called me a compulsive liar for looking him in the eye and swearing I wasn't talking to anyone. In my mind I wasn't. But when you just meet a new person you usually get those residual messages from folks who may still think you are single. At any rate, the messages were explicit and included photos. He called me every word in the book and I took it like bullets. From that moment on it happened for months. We would be having a nice moment and then the rage would peak and the horrible words would be shouted at me again. It was the worst humiliation. He would say "look at you talking to a man while I'm sitting in an AA meeting". The thing is, I wasn't talking to anyone...just letting him know I wasn't single anymore. Again, terrible awful experience. This was before his first relapse when I thought everything was great. I remember how it ripped at me those words and having him retell everything all over again brought a shame like no other. Years later I found out he was actually cheating on me from the beginning even during the time of the humiliation. I stayed anyways. Really ignored the red flag.

I had my phone locked too so I don't know how he got in. Several months after that when I found out about his cheating, he broke into my phone again after he left me for the first time and accused me of cheating sending me 30 photos of the man he thought I was cheating with (mind you, he was the person cheating). Very crazy stuff. Your phone is where you google things that are intensely private, send emails that are intensely private, etc. etc. It's a gross violation. Not illegal, but can really pack a punch. I always say I would hate to look through a partner's phone, terrified of what I may find.

Sorry for the word vomit! This just brought up so much for me and how violated I felt to have someone do this.

torquemax777

I can't stop chuckling about the plumber and the vet ....

maia1234

You should have your phone with you at all times especially around him.

People can see the numbers you press while getting into your phone and can figure out what your password is. I did it with my axh for years.

Sasha1972

I am not a lawyer ... I think it would be illegal if he took your phone or if he used information from your phone to get things he wasn't entitled to (e.g. your banking passwords). Reading text is really crappy behavior but I think it would be tough to make the case that it's illegal, and you've got enough legal matters on your plate as it is. Definitely lock it.


(One trick I've learned for passwords to make them hard to guess: use easy-to-remember dates/names but use them backwards. So if your birth date is [let's say] October 14, 1972 (14-10-1972), your password is 27910141. Or if your dog's name is Skippy, your password isYPPIKS. Easy for you to remember, very difficult for someone else, even someone who knows a lot about you, to guess).

velma929

Just put a lock on my phone. I never did before, but I just read, on another forum, how a teen proved to a law enforcement officer a phone was hers by knowing how to unlock it. (Another girl claimed the phone as her own, and was later found to have several expensive cell phones in her tote.)

Man-friend thought I was nuts not to have it locked. I never look at his.

Don't know if it's illegal, I would wonder how private *anything* is, really, and whether texts can be obtained by hacking.