Round and round is exhausting. Don't want this ride anymore!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by TLC 
This helps, to talk about my difficulties and then my progress.
His stuff is finally gone. Yay!
His stuff is finally gone. Yay!
Originally Posted by TLC
In the last months his temper and cruelty escalated, it actually felt like he was trying to make me so miserable that I would finally end all contact.
Originally Posted by TLC
He quickly wrote back "ok, if you change your mind let me know".... No regrets, sorry, empathy at all. Why? he has none.
Originally Posted by TLC
But I am finally getting to the point, where I see the opportunity. It all rocked my world so much that I will be a better person through it all. I'm learning about loving myself, honoring my feelings and needs.
Until you meet someone that is so dysfunctional, so self-centered etc etc that they actually suck the energy and happiness out of your life, it is unimaginable. To go from a person who gave, at least a bit to someone who just becomes a liability in your mind, its quite a leap and so common with addiction it would seem.
I'm so glad you are finding your happiness and appreciate the update. Hope you will continue to post and share your wisdom!
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Location: Denver CO
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Originally Posted by TLC
This helps, to talk about my difficulties and then my progress.
His stuff is finally gone. Yay! Though the memories of him and his abuse is like a sickness creeps back. Some days its been hard to find the shelter from those memories. It grabs me like the "swamp monster" or something and doesn't want to let go. I think of his cruel words, his infidelity, his lies and the pain in my heart. Sure intellectually, it makes no sense to care at all. That hook that kept me attached went deep. Then there are days of sunshine and hope. I love those days.
In the last months his temper and cruelty escalated, it actually felt like he was trying to make me so miserable that I would finally end all contact. I wouldn't bend in my acceptance of his "pretend sobriety", so he needed to get out and replace me. Looking back, I believe he needed me to take the responsibility of ending it. Then he would have no blame. I wouldn't live with the addiction or the abuse, so yes, I took the responsibility to myself and end all contact.
I always wondered what it was like for people that would actually cut all ties to someone they loved. I couldn't imagine how bad those circumstances were, to bring on such extreme response. Many members of his family had reached that point. Sadly (or happily) I found that place myself. They pain of it all was so great.
After I ended, you may know from reading past posts, that he found ways around my blocking him.
I was ignoring them. But finally I responded and wrote back. (in summary) I wrote that his cruelty had no bounds and that his words cut so deep. No one, under any circumstances deserves this cruelty. I needed to protect myself from him and for my safety I would not see or speak to him anymore.
He quickly wrote back "ok, if you change your mind let me know".... No regrets, sorry, empathy at all. Why? he has none.
Its been quiet ever since.
The longer it goes, the more I see of his games, manipulations, mental illness etc etc. I've beaten myself up for ever believing him, for sticking it out, for wasting my time. But I am finally getting to the point, where I see the opportunity. It all rocked my world so much that I will be a better person through it all. I'm learning about loving myself, honoring my feelings and needs.
What a rough road to go. But as the sunshine is peaking around those clouds, the swamp monster is not so strong. I know there will still be tough moments and I don't look forward to those days. But for now, for today, for this moment..... I have hope.
His stuff is finally gone. Yay! Though the memories of him and his abuse is like a sickness creeps back. Some days its been hard to find the shelter from those memories. It grabs me like the "swamp monster" or something and doesn't want to let go. I think of his cruel words, his infidelity, his lies and the pain in my heart. Sure intellectually, it makes no sense to care at all. That hook that kept me attached went deep. Then there are days of sunshine and hope. I love those days.
In the last months his temper and cruelty escalated, it actually felt like he was trying to make me so miserable that I would finally end all contact. I wouldn't bend in my acceptance of his "pretend sobriety", so he needed to get out and replace me. Looking back, I believe he needed me to take the responsibility of ending it. Then he would have no blame. I wouldn't live with the addiction or the abuse, so yes, I took the responsibility to myself and end all contact.
I always wondered what it was like for people that would actually cut all ties to someone they loved. I couldn't imagine how bad those circumstances were, to bring on such extreme response. Many members of his family had reached that point. Sadly (or happily) I found that place myself. They pain of it all was so great.
After I ended, you may know from reading past posts, that he found ways around my blocking him.
I was ignoring them. But finally I responded and wrote back. (in summary) I wrote that his cruelty had no bounds and that his words cut so deep. No one, under any circumstances deserves this cruelty. I needed to protect myself from him and for my safety I would not see or speak to him anymore.
He quickly wrote back "ok, if you change your mind let me know".... No regrets, sorry, empathy at all. Why? he has none.
Its been quiet ever since.
The longer it goes, the more I see of his games, manipulations, mental illness etc etc. I've beaten myself up for ever believing him, for sticking it out, for wasting my time. But I am finally getting to the point, where I see the opportunity. It all rocked my world so much that I will be a better person through it all. I'm learning about loving myself, honoring my feelings and needs.
What a rough road to go. But as the sunshine is peaking around those clouds, the swamp monster is not so strong. I know there will still be tough moments and I don't look forward to those days. But for now, for today, for this moment..... I have hope.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
The amount of thoughts that cycle repeatedly around in my head are lessening. Like how he could treat me the way he did, hew could he be so abusive and not have remorse.
I do not want this craziness back at all, not for a moment.
But the one thing that still seems to spin is the betrayal, the infidelity and lack of remorse to have hurt me so. How can someone be so unfeeling? We have dated for 7 years and have known each for 40 years. And no empathy. This just blows me away.
In truth I get caught thinking this all has to do with me. Did I mean so little to him?
Maybe the best of circumstances we were never to be a good match, but the way he handled it was so cruel. Then it comes back to me, he is very very sick. And/or he is very very mentally ill. His behavior doesn't define my worth.
What about this that it needs to make sense to me?
I have far more moments of peace these days. But that swamp monster still grabs ahold from time to time.
I do not want this craziness back at all, not for a moment.
But the one thing that still seems to spin is the betrayal, the infidelity and lack of remorse to have hurt me so. How can someone be so unfeeling? We have dated for 7 years and have known each for 40 years. And no empathy. This just blows me away.
In truth I get caught thinking this all has to do with me. Did I mean so little to him?
Maybe the best of circumstances we were never to be a good match, but the way he handled it was so cruel. Then it comes back to me, he is very very sick. And/or he is very very mentally ill. His behavior doesn't define my worth.
What about this that it needs to make sense to me?
I have far more moments of peace these days. But that swamp monster still grabs ahold from time to time.
Last edited by TLC; 03-12-2018 at 11:53 AM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I'm so glad to hear that you are finding those moments of peace! They will become longer and more frequent.
I hear what you're saying and you have actually answered your own question in part - he is sick.
He had a girlfriend on the side because you nagged at him about his drinking. Even just typing that out it sounds ridiculous. No right-thinking person would ever actually say that.
He BLAMED you for him having the side girlfriend who was more "fun" - ie: no "nagging". Right there he is blaming you and insulting who you are. So you have this person you love telling you that you are a nag and no fun so he had to go find a girlfriend on the side.
Again, this makes no sense in any "normal" way of thinking but that doesn't stop you from going hey - am I no fun? Am I a nag? Did I drive him away etc etc. That has to give your self esteem a real knock, even though it is totally inaccurate.
So first off he is sick and not right thinking and secondly he dragged you down before all this other stuff entered the picture. He abused you, called you names etc. Again, not accurate but that doesn't just bounce off your brain when someone you love says it to you.
You then say - did you mean so little to him. Right there. You are trying to apply some kind of norm to that which is not normal. Now, not saying that is in any way odd, your brain is rational and is trying to make rational sense of this.
He is sick, he uses alcohol to numb feelings. He probably did care about you, maybe still does, but he doesn't have to feel remorse or anything else, as long as he gets that next drink.
You were standing in the way of his drinking, the drinking comes first for him.
I hear what you're saying and you have actually answered your own question in part - he is sick.
He had a girlfriend on the side because you nagged at him about his drinking. Even just typing that out it sounds ridiculous. No right-thinking person would ever actually say that.
He BLAMED you for him having the side girlfriend who was more "fun" - ie: no "nagging". Right there he is blaming you and insulting who you are. So you have this person you love telling you that you are a nag and no fun so he had to go find a girlfriend on the side.
Again, this makes no sense in any "normal" way of thinking but that doesn't stop you from going hey - am I no fun? Am I a nag? Did I drive him away etc etc. That has to give your self esteem a real knock, even though it is totally inaccurate.
So first off he is sick and not right thinking and secondly he dragged you down before all this other stuff entered the picture. He abused you, called you names etc. Again, not accurate but that doesn't just bounce off your brain when someone you love says it to you.
You then say - did you mean so little to him. Right there. You are trying to apply some kind of norm to that which is not normal. Now, not saying that is in any way odd, your brain is rational and is trying to make rational sense of this.
He is sick, he uses alcohol to numb feelings. He probably did care about you, maybe still does, but he doesn't have to feel remorse or anything else, as long as he gets that next drink.
You were standing in the way of his drinking, the drinking comes first for him.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
He BLAMED you for him having the side girlfriend who was more "fun" - ie: no "nagging". Right there he is blaming you and insulting who you are. So you have this person you love telling you that you are a nag and no fun so he had to go find a girlfriend on the side.
Again, this makes no sense in any "normal" way of thinking but that doesn't stop you from going hey - am I no fun? Am I a nag? Did I drive him away etc etc. That has to give your self esteem a real knock, even though it is totally inaccurate............
.
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Round and round... I know better but got tripped up and took a fall.
He dropped my stuff off with no notice. I wrote to say that I do not want him to come by my house at all. He said, ok and that he just wanted to get me my stuff.
Here is my mistake. I dialogued with him, thinking I was feeling stronger. But alas I fooled myself and fell back to old behavior.
Told him because I had been really hurt by him, I didn't want him just stopping by. He replied "we really need to move on". As though I was still wanting him, and no validation of what I said (not that he is capable of this). I bought into the dance and repeated how I was impacted. Each thing I said he stayed very cold and indifferent and always ending with we should move on.
This wound me up, his indifference to me and what I've gone through was painful. It's also painful to know his indifference is because he has a new relationship that is making him so happy. He doesn't know that I know and I didn't bring it up. He is never without a relationship, ever.
I got to the point where I snapped out of it and realized that I bought into the insanity again. Had my triggers activated, the wounds have been slow to heal and to have the abuser act so above it all and happy to move on from me is just crazy making.
I reactivated the block. I know I can't do anything about it. I will never get any validation in fact will only get added pain. Just so crappy to trip up. Entering in this crazy making relationship was on one side the worse thing I've ever done. its also a gift in that I've learned that I'm worth so much more than him. The pain of this all is just so deep. I have shed a lot of tears today. I know I'll recover, but I hate this whole thing. I envy those that can "get it" and cut those ties, stick with it and just know the path. The pain gets in my way and yet I think it should lite the way.
He dropped my stuff off with no notice. I wrote to say that I do not want him to come by my house at all. He said, ok and that he just wanted to get me my stuff.
Here is my mistake. I dialogued with him, thinking I was feeling stronger. But alas I fooled myself and fell back to old behavior.
Told him because I had been really hurt by him, I didn't want him just stopping by. He replied "we really need to move on". As though I was still wanting him, and no validation of what I said (not that he is capable of this). I bought into the dance and repeated how I was impacted. Each thing I said he stayed very cold and indifferent and always ending with we should move on.
This wound me up, his indifference to me and what I've gone through was painful. It's also painful to know his indifference is because he has a new relationship that is making him so happy. He doesn't know that I know and I didn't bring it up. He is never without a relationship, ever.
I got to the point where I snapped out of it and realized that I bought into the insanity again. Had my triggers activated, the wounds have been slow to heal and to have the abuser act so above it all and happy to move on from me is just crazy making.
I reactivated the block. I know I can't do anything about it. I will never get any validation in fact will only get added pain. Just so crappy to trip up. Entering in this crazy making relationship was on one side the worse thing I've ever done. its also a gift in that I've learned that I'm worth so much more than him. The pain of this all is just so deep. I have shed a lot of tears today. I know I'll recover, but I hate this whole thing. I envy those that can "get it" and cut those ties, stick with it and just know the path. The pain gets in my way and yet I think it should lite the way.
Last edited by TLC; 03-19-2018 at 06:34 PM. Reason: spelling
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The weeks move on. I have good days and hard days. Still my mind (at times) continues to ruminate over this X A and the cruel things he did. As it distills down, it seems that his ability to just replace me still feels hurtful (abandoned). And his new girlfriend (who is the throws of having the time of her life, before reality sets in) is living the dream I had.
The dream was good, that man was not the right one.
In my effort to grab onto any sense of normality, I am reading a lot about grieving, dealing with alcoholism/mental health etc. But still pivot back to the point of abandoned, even though I was the one that ended it He was crazy with verbal abuse and then turned so cold and started to drive the point of ending it. Which actually hurt more than I expected, to have him turn the table. And felt the added mind f*** of being rejected by an abuser.
Then I went back and read other threads here and previous posts on this thread. Which was great!
I didn't pick up on it earlier, but his sudden turn to coldness was his way of taking the power. No matter what I said to him, he always turned it back to me/retaliating (honestly like a child)
This was no different. I ended it, so then he did....He can feel better (in his mind) that he thinks he ended it. He was so childish, so much of the time.
Possibly (hopefully) my firmness will keep him from trying to contact me, no matter if or how he does, it will be met with a wall of no response. In a form, rejection. And he won't like that, so better to not reach out. Here's hoping to never cross paths with him.
Also good to read the thread and be reminded of the pain. Sad, but in this case its good to be reminded of the actual road I was on with him.
My current focus, is to learn all I can about taking care of myself, what it is to be in a good relationship with myself, set the standards of what is good for me.
I'm still at the beginning of my healing and have a road to travel. It's very hard to face the pain, to feel the grief, so very intense. But as painful as its been, I want to make sure I learn /grow all I can to create the best life possible.
I guess I just wanted to check in with all you good people. For those who have helped me so much while confusion and pain were all I was experiencing.
The dream was good, that man was not the right one.
In my effort to grab onto any sense of normality, I am reading a lot about grieving, dealing with alcoholism/mental health etc. But still pivot back to the point of abandoned, even though I was the one that ended it He was crazy with verbal abuse and then turned so cold and started to drive the point of ending it. Which actually hurt more than I expected, to have him turn the table. And felt the added mind f*** of being rejected by an abuser.
Then I went back and read other threads here and previous posts on this thread. Which was great!
I didn't pick up on it earlier, but his sudden turn to coldness was his way of taking the power. No matter what I said to him, he always turned it back to me/retaliating (honestly like a child)
This was no different. I ended it, so then he did....He can feel better (in his mind) that he thinks he ended it. He was so childish, so much of the time.
Possibly (hopefully) my firmness will keep him from trying to contact me, no matter if or how he does, it will be met with a wall of no response. In a form, rejection. And he won't like that, so better to not reach out. Here's hoping to never cross paths with him.
Also good to read the thread and be reminded of the pain. Sad, but in this case its good to be reminded of the actual road I was on with him.
My current focus, is to learn all I can about taking care of myself, what it is to be in a good relationship with myself, set the standards of what is good for me.
I'm still at the beginning of my healing and have a road to travel. It's very hard to face the pain, to feel the grief, so very intense. But as painful as its been, I want to make sure I learn /grow all I can to create the best life possible.
I guess I just wanted to check in with all you good people. For those who have helped me so much while confusion and pain were all I was experiencing.
Last edited by TLC; 05-02-2018 at 01:47 PM. Reason: spelling
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TLC.....I think you are doing great! It is still early on...since you cut off contact...still not even close to one y ear....It takes time for these deep wo unds to heal and to complete the grieving process....as, you know, by now....
For me...the first year anniversary was a big turning point...where it all became "past" history, rather than present tense...
I found that the more I built my life in the present...the more the past faded, in memory.....
It may be that you are healing from wounds, even from your early life, that was carried into this relationship, as baggage.....
Of course, living with a practicing alcoholic is like pouring gasoline onto the fire......
Keep facing forward....and you will have a great life.....
For me...the first year anniversary was a big turning point...where it all became "past" history, rather than present tense...
I found that the more I built my life in the present...the more the past faded, in memory.....
It may be that you are healing from wounds, even from your early life, that was carried into this relationship, as baggage.....
Of course, living with a practicing alcoholic is like pouring gasoline onto the fire......
Keep facing forward....and you will have a great life.....
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
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Hi TLC
I am glad to hear you are doing better. You did say above that you are having your good days. I do also understand about having bad days.
You & I both joined SR last summer. I posted my ugly story in June 2017. I've read your posts. You seem to me to be a smart woman. Please understand you unfortunately got involved with an abusive addict. Given that specific circumstance your current feelings are fairly normal. You have learned valuable lessons.
In time, you will sort this all out & get it in a much quieter place inside you. The good days will out number the bad days.
I think you will have your "good dream with the right man" come true.
Thanks
I am glad to hear you are doing better. You did say above that you are having your good days. I do also understand about having bad days.
You & I both joined SR last summer. I posted my ugly story in June 2017. I've read your posts. You seem to me to be a smart woman. Please understand you unfortunately got involved with an abusive addict. Given that specific circumstance your current feelings are fairly normal. You have learned valuable lessons.
In time, you will sort this all out & get it in a much quieter place inside you. The good days will out number the bad days.
I think you will have your "good dream with the right man" come true.
Thanks
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And his new girlfriend (who is the throws of having the time of her life, before reality sets in) is living the dream I had.
The illusion that we tell ourselves is that life for them with someone else is somehow better and great and wonderful and we are missing out on it. And unless he’s gone into a magic disappearing box where only the alcoholic part of him has disappeared, he’s still very much an alcoholic with progressed alcoholic behaviors doing what alcoholics do.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
If this helps to reinforce what you're doing is the right thing, then feel free to use it...
I'm MARRIED to an addict, and the damage it has caused our 4 kids and myself is more than what most can write about.
It may seem to ebb and flow now, but your future just turned towards a whole new direction of happy just by kicking that guy to the curb.
I'm can't say it enough to those who are just dating addicts: when you're married and have kids with them...let's just say it makes me feel so much better when someone like you woke up from this nightmare and got out before it became legal.
Now, give yourself a gift:
grab hold of the wheel, turn towards the sun, and repeat the words of Captain Jack Sparrow: 'Bring me that horizon!'
I'm MARRIED to an addict, and the damage it has caused our 4 kids and myself is more than what most can write about.
It may seem to ebb and flow now, but your future just turned towards a whole new direction of happy just by kicking that guy to the curb.
I'm can't say it enough to those who are just dating addicts: when you're married and have kids with them...let's just say it makes me feel so much better when someone like you woke up from this nightmare and got out before it became legal.
Now, give yourself a gift:
grab hold of the wheel, turn towards the sun, and repeat the words of Captain Jack Sparrow: 'Bring me that horizon!'
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
Sometimes, I wish I could hit the "thanks" button more than one time for certain posts. You are all so full of wisdom. Through your stories, shines light on reality and hope for a better life.
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Hi,
Same thing basically just happened to me. I set a small boundary and he went silent . I struggled with the same exact feelings all week. But today I know, this is not about me. I am an amazing person and only a very sick person would do such a hurtful and emotionally abusive thing to someone. I heard from him today only because I did something to take care of myself that involves a friend of his. He started out with the whole manipulative thing. Blame shifting the silence on me, telling me I’m beautiful and he is sorry he messed up. I finally recognized something; the only reason he reached out to me was to save face with his friend, nothing more ! Addicts only have one love, whatever they are addicted to. I see you ! I see that you are hurting as I am, but I also see that we deserve someone who is consistent , trustworthy and never want to hurt us.
Same thing basically just happened to me. I set a small boundary and he went silent . I struggled with the same exact feelings all week. But today I know, this is not about me. I am an amazing person and only a very sick person would do such a hurtful and emotionally abusive thing to someone. I heard from him today only because I did something to take care of myself that involves a friend of his. He started out with the whole manipulative thing. Blame shifting the silence on me, telling me I’m beautiful and he is sorry he messed up. I finally recognized something; the only reason he reached out to me was to save face with his friend, nothing more ! Addicts only have one love, whatever they are addicted to. I see you ! I see that you are hurting as I am, but I also see that we deserve someone who is consistent , trustworthy and never want to hurt us.
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