Codie Ways Again?

Old 01-13-2018, 08:00 AM
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Codie Ways Again?

I've been volunteering heavily the past 3 years since splitting with exah and have started to question my involvement in various things I was doing. This came to a head several times when I was ill, my kids were ill and other life stuff needed dealing with and the volunteer place was less than supportive, despite me giving my all most of the time for free.

I began to see a pattern. I bend over backwards to be helpful, they sucked me dry. I get ill, they ignore me, I go back ( before am better) and the whole cycle starts again. My motives for volunteering came into question. I asked myself why? They are less than pure. I did it soley cos am lonely and thought it would bring friends across my path but it hasn't. The people I worked for aren't my friends and the people I did the work for aren't either. I was just being used. I allowed it but no more.

My willingness to be put on is slowly disappearing. I am starting to see I do not have to do things for people all the time. How I make friends tho is another issue. It's difficult being home as a carer to my disabled son so not able to work much.. I have very few opportunities to meet people and I don't do pubs and bars cos I tended to meet alcoholics in them in the past but I'll sort something out eventually.
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Old 01-13-2018, 08:22 AM
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First things first... as you take care of you, all the rest will fall in line. (((Hugs)))

Have you been getting out to any 12 step meetings, counseling or other support groups?

As you find what's not working for you, that opens up more paths in other directions. There's no wrong path in healing... if you're putting desires of healing into your thought process, you'll find them somewhere...at some point.

Are you at a point where you're looking for baby steps to something new or a big leap to something drastically different?
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Old 01-13-2018, 08:25 AM
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Ladybird...I can appreciate your position....you do so much caretaking, any way...it just becomes give...give...give.... It would wear anyone out! Too much outgoing without much incoming...lol....
Maybe, think more in the direction of some activity where you and the others are on an equal footing.......Like, where you and others meet up to share/do some interest that you all have in common....
I like hearing that you are trying to reach out and make changes for yourself....that is actually how positive c hange comes about....
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Old 01-13-2018, 06:57 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
First things first... as you take care of you, all the rest will fall in line. (((Hugs)))

Have you been getting out to any 12 step meetings, counseling or other support groups?

As you find what's not working for you, that opens up more paths in other directions. There's no wrong path in healing... if you're putting desires of healing into your thought process, you'll find them somewhere...at some point.

Are you at a point where you're looking for baby steps to something new or a big leap to something drastically different?
I've never been to any counselling or Alanon or support groups. I've not had the time and I tried to get counselling 4 years ago but the only place I could go was miles away at night with no public transport. I don't drive so.....

I've no idea what I want to do. Am not even sure I know what I like, apart from home hobbies. I travelled a lot last year but that's not feasible this year. I feel flat most of the time. Not sad, not happy, just meh. I spend most of my time alone as my son's are either in their rooms or in the case of one out. I've got used to it to the point actually going anywhere seems like too much effort sometimes. During the holidays I didn't leave the house for over 2 weeks. In my heart of hearts tho I am able to be alone I know am lonely and that leads me into codie situations. I've got to work on that.

Tonight my son came home and had the same assessment as me of some stuff he'd been doing for others and people he'd been seeing. They weren't real his friends and he had been used. It hurt him and that saddened me. He thought it was him. That he's somehow unlovable. He's not. He chose the wrong people to invest his time and effort in but try telling that to a 19 year old. It's hard enough for me to get my head around it. Fear of rejection goes deep for both of us. It's worse when we've been brave and reached out and it happens. We are both looking for a new focus.
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:01 PM
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Maybe, think more in the direction of some activity where you and the others are on an equal footing.......Like, where you and others meet up to share/do some interest that you all have in common....
I like hearing that you are trying to reach out and make changes for yourself....that is actually how positive c hange comes about...


I need a new focus. I am seeing what comes out of the vacuum of stopping all the volunteering. I feel at an inbetween stage again...one of many long the way the past few years but I think it will pass as it always does and something will come along or I will think of something that's workable to do I'd enjoy. I've no idea yet tho lol
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:39 PM
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Ladybird.... I think you are onto the right idea....And, I am so glad that you can see the pitfalls of isolation.....it really, really does affect one's mood.
I suspect, from your description, that you probably have some low grade depression going on....very understandable.....probably, nothing that some "you time" and some good social contact wouldn't cure...lol...
Do you live in a rural area or ....are you near some town....I do think that location can play a big part, also.....
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Old 01-14-2018, 04:16 AM
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I think you are right about the depression. I live in a smallish seaside town and I am not great in winter anyway. Am literally 2 minutes from the cliff top and I can hear the sea when I open the back door. The location is fabulous but it's a bus or train ride to anything I'd call civilisation. Of course now my son is in college I have no options about living here for at least the next 3 years. He loves it here too and he's been moved around a lot so I am glad he has settled here. His brother finds it too quiet despite being autistic and I think he will go and live in the city with his siblings eventually. My absolute dream is to live in Berlin. I love the place. I literally cry when I see it on TV or the news and I went 7 times in the past 15 months. It's not on the cards yet tho.
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Old 01-14-2018, 06:47 AM
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LB,
You have a plan, it doesnt mean that it has be to executed today. Winters are long. If you can get out in the "sun" and fresh air for walks. It brings yourself back to life. Look where you are today and where you were a year ago or 5 years ago. Life is so much better.

Keep the faith that you have really good options for your future. We all need a plan or a goal!! Hugs!!
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Old 01-17-2018, 04:12 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
LB,
You have a plan, it doesnt mean that it has be to executed today. Winters are long. If you can get out in the "sun" and fresh air for walks. It brings yourself back to life. Look where you are today and where you were a year ago or 5 years ago. Life is so much better.

Keep the faith that you have really good options for your future. We all need a plan or a goal!! Hugs!!
I worked out a few things about myself and one is I self isolate a lot. It's easier then being among people who do not get me. I haven't met anyone working on issues due to being with an active alcoholic for 20 years. Or having two adult disabled people to care for. Someone actually said I was "using them as an excuse" like if I just stopped caring for them they'd miraculously stopped being disabled. Married people I know say I should enjoy being single when they went from parents to a husband or wife and have never been single since they were like 18 and have NO idea how hard it is. Also I am not free to do as I like. Last night my diabetic autistic son didn't come home from training or answer his phone. By the time he was 2 hours late and it was dark I walked up to the training centre in the pouring rain and his tutor, who was working late, said he had left hours before. I eventually found him in town but most parents would not have to be out looking for a 19 year old. People he was with clearly thought I'd lost the plot when I found him but I know his medical issues and he acted out of character so I was worried.

With this self isolation comes depression cos I honestly cannot see anyway out of it. I used to walk a lot with my dog but ds is scared of them cos exah told him the dog was evil so when he came to live with me my dog had to be re-homed. I know nothing will change unless I can but it just takes time.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:38 AM
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I think a big part of my own recovery has been giving myself permission to say NO. If I don't want to go places and do things that won't bring me joy, I say no. I was overcommitted, and miserable, because of my own people pleasing ways. It took me a while, and I did it a little at a time. However, now, I guard my peace like crazy. I do volunteer and do some things, but it's things I have chosen and want to be a part of, the difference is HUGE!

I do realize you have commitments you cannot change. However, make sure you create time and space for you, and during those times, do things that bring you joy.

Give yourself permission to say no, and when you say yes, make sure it's because you want to!
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Old 01-17-2018, 07:14 AM
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Ladybird.....as we have discussed....there are so many factors that make it an up-hill climb for you.
And, I also get it that your current location as lovely as it is....makes the isolation worse for you....I know that you have indicated that it might be possible to move in the future.....perhaps you can keep that as your "light at t he end of the tunnel"....
I do agree with those who say to cut back on the volunteering that increased your workload...but, doesn't offer the gratifications that you had hoped that they would.....
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Old 01-17-2018, 08:07 AM
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I've met some pretty great and healthy people at meetup.com. There are every kind of group you can imagine! Hiking, camping, knitting, book groups, board game groups, etc. It's kinda fun and a great way to get out and meet new people.
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