I want to run
Sapphire44
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 42
I want to run
I'm a girlfriend of a recovering addict/alcoholic. We had a blow up today. I am at the end of my rope. He wont stop hating on me. I get a thanks then a but right behind it. That but is always negative. Nul and avoids the positive. This has been going on for weeks. I'm in a depression and cant take meds to help. I'm allergic to them. So i got to work this out on my own.
Yes before you ask I have been in counseling most of my life and know what to do. But knowing don't make it any easier.
He complains that my feeling are the only ones that matter. Um no. I just want to be respected and that is all i ask. So irritating to not be heard on that. He complains that i don't ask how he is feeling or compliment his or anything positive. Um yes I do. All the time. Why don't he just open up his ears and hear it. I was doing the dishes earlier and he complained about that. I did not really listen to it all but it was like really dude. Do you ever stop and just be nice or say nothing at all.
What to do. Hard to ignore him. I want to support him but wow be a little nice to me. I know this is hard for him. He has told me all he thinks about is wanting to drink. I want to hold him and tell him this will pass with time. But I feel pushed away. So hard to know what to do most of the time.
Just went and gave him a kiss and said i love you and got grumped at that to. I just want to run away and not look back. This is way to much for me.
thanks for letting me vent.
Sapphire
Yes before you ask I have been in counseling most of my life and know what to do. But knowing don't make it any easier.
He complains that my feeling are the only ones that matter. Um no. I just want to be respected and that is all i ask. So irritating to not be heard on that. He complains that i don't ask how he is feeling or compliment his or anything positive. Um yes I do. All the time. Why don't he just open up his ears and hear it. I was doing the dishes earlier and he complained about that. I did not really listen to it all but it was like really dude. Do you ever stop and just be nice or say nothing at all.
What to do. Hard to ignore him. I want to support him but wow be a little nice to me. I know this is hard for him. He has told me all he thinks about is wanting to drink. I want to hold him and tell him this will pass with time. But I feel pushed away. So hard to know what to do most of the time.
Just went and gave him a kiss and said i love you and got grumped at that to. I just want to run away and not look back. This is way to much for me.
thanks for letting me vent.
Sapphire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
I just want to say that it's okay to leave a relationship that isn't working for you.
And also, something I heard the other day: "If the relationship isn't right for you, then by default it also isn't right for your partner."
And also, something I heard the other day: "If the relationship isn't right for you, then by default it also isn't right for your partner."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He has told me all he thinks about is wanting to drink.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm grateful to Alanon, which is a program of recovery for friends and family who have a problem with someone's drinking.
My suggestion would be hit some meetings, look into getting a sponsor -- someone who's been through this and can help you find your own way to healing.
If you have an impulse to run, why not go with it?
No contact, space, distance and extra support from many good ways that kept coming into my life is what finally accelerated my healing.
I had to leave to get healthy for myself. Once I started listening to the healthy inner voice inside me, the stronger it got.
My suggestion would be hit some meetings, look into getting a sponsor -- someone who's been through this and can help you find your own way to healing.
If you have an impulse to run, why not go with it?
No contact, space, distance and extra support from many good ways that kept coming into my life is what finally accelerated my healing.
I had to leave to get healthy for myself. Once I started listening to the healthy inner voice inside me, the stronger it got.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
If not dependent on him then walk away. Is he working a program to quit drinking?
Even if he is, just saying that when my AH got sober it is no better than when he was drinking.
I still deal with the same disrespect and selfishness that existed when he was drinking. The only thing that is different is me. I am finding my higher power again and refuse to play the victim any longer.
I am strong and I am able to work through this life without the baggage that he is offering to me.
I still care for and love him and am proud of him for getting sober, but at the end of the day it is his journey and I am done putting my journey on hold.
Even if he is, just saying that when my AH got sober it is no better than when he was drinking.
I still deal with the same disrespect and selfishness that existed when he was drinking. The only thing that is different is me. I am finding my higher power again and refuse to play the victim any longer.
I am strong and I am able to work through this life without the baggage that he is offering to me.
I still care for and love him and am proud of him for getting sober, but at the end of the day it is his journey and I am done putting my journey on hold.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sapphire.....I think that Keepingthefaith is making good suggestions.....and, basically what I would say to you at this point. Support and some physical distance.....at least, until you feel more settled and clear in your thinking....
Are you willing to consider staying elsewhere for a while? Can you get to alanon meetings? Perhaps seeing your counselor m ore often...or talking to her/him on the phone, would help.
You might do some reading on the subject of being with someone in recovery....
"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
You can get these books on amazon.com....and, perhaps, through your local library....
Here is a quote that I read somewhere,,,and, I like it....
"When one is constantly responding to Crazy---without realizing that it IS Crazy--one will eventually begin to behave CRAZY....(Crazy begets Crazy)....
I do think that getting some physical distance for a while would be a good first step for you......
LOL...I knew one woman who moved into their RV in the driveway...and only went into the house when her husband was at work....during a chaotic time in their marriage.....
Are you willing to consider staying elsewhere for a while? Can you get to alanon meetings? Perhaps seeing your counselor m ore often...or talking to her/him on the phone, would help.
You might do some reading on the subject of being with someone in recovery....
"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
You can get these books on amazon.com....and, perhaps, through your local library....
Here is a quote that I read somewhere,,,and, I like it....
"When one is constantly responding to Crazy---without realizing that it IS Crazy--one will eventually begin to behave CRAZY....(Crazy begets Crazy)....
I do think that getting some physical distance for a while would be a good first step for you......
LOL...I knew one woman who moved into their RV in the driveway...and only went into the house when her husband was at work....during a chaotic time in their marriage.....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sapphire, as someone who has to be very careful not to sink into a depressive state I agree with the other posters that a bit of distance is becoming essential now. You have to look after your mental health, as you know.
Moving is a big step, but is there somewhere you can go to for a while until you work it out, or prepare to make it permanent?
Your BF is having a tough time with sobriety and he might appreciate a little distance as well. He probably feels at odds with the whole world now. You are just the closest thing and easiest to lash out at. But that's very hazardous for you, which is why I suggest stepping back.
Moving is a big step, but is there somewhere you can go to for a while until you work it out, or prepare to make it permanent?
Your BF is having a tough time with sobriety and he might appreciate a little distance as well. He probably feels at odds with the whole world now. You are just the closest thing and easiest to lash out at. But that's very hazardous for you, which is why I suggest stepping back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
I agree with people that say, believe him-he’s telling you exactly who he is. My ex told me almost ten years ago that “I drink beer, it’s what I do; it’s who I am”. I truly didn’t believe the extent of it but I wish I had. He’s now lost his marriage, kids and his health is fading quickly...but he still drinks a crap ton of beer. Believe him. Itcwill save you years of tears and fighting something that isn’t your fight. Time and space is essential right now!
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Sapphire,
I agree with everyone here as well about some physical distance, that's what I'm trying to do but with emotional distance. Since it's your house you can draw a boundary and he can find a better solution for both of you like a residential program, a sober living or even a sober friend to stay with.
It's scary to put up boundaries at first, my tendency is to slam them and that is not the way to go either but it sounds like he needs more help then you can provide.
I agree with everyone here as well about some physical distance, that's what I'm trying to do but with emotional distance. Since it's your house you can draw a boundary and he can find a better solution for both of you like a residential program, a sober living or even a sober friend to stay with.
It's scary to put up boundaries at first, my tendency is to slam them and that is not the way to go either but it sounds like he needs more help then you can provide.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sapphire, I hope you are feeling better today. Listen to your gut. I agree with everyone here. If your gut is telling you to run, it's probably trying to save you from some serious stress related sickness later on. If your partner is lashing out at you, that can become emotionally or physically unsafe. Also, the quote from Glenl is great: if a relationship isn't right for you, it's also not right for your partner. I hope that you are able to give both of you the space you both need right now. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
He has told me all he thinks about is wanting to drink
If that's truly how he feels, than his alcoholism is far from being treated. In fact, he's still very sick (IMO). And if he IS still that sick, any relationship he's in is going to be very rough treading. You may want to reconsider how much you can put up with. His disease is not yours to have to suffer thru. It's up to him to deal with it. There is no law that says you have to stick around while he figures that out.
If that's truly how he feels, than his alcoholism is far from being treated. In fact, he's still very sick (IMO). And if he IS still that sick, any relationship he's in is going to be very rough treading. You may want to reconsider how much you can put up with. His disease is not yours to have to suffer thru. It's up to him to deal with it. There is no law that says you have to stick around while he figures that out.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Thing is, you can hug him and kiss him and try to wish it away. It will not get better with time. It will progressively get worse.
As you said, you know what you need to do. I can only send you peace and courage, and tell you that I hope you do whatever you need to do to put the focus on you, and your wellbeing. You deserve more.
As you said, you know what you need to do. I can only send you peace and courage, and tell you that I hope you do whatever you need to do to put the focus on you, and your wellbeing. You deserve more.
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