ashley12

After posting on this forum recently, I have realized that a codependent person needs just as much help as the addict himself. It makes sense, because I feel like I have given my absolute all to alcoholic bf and never really thought about myself along the way. It's almost like it became my mission to help him, and feel bad for him becayse he has this disease, and think it's okay for him to treat me the way he did because he was drunk and not in the right state of mind..but I've realized how much I've lost of myself along the way. I can't believe I gave someone my all, literally everything I had in me just for him to suck me dry. And now that's he's in rehab, he wants to make things work and be a family again ..telling me he loves me and wants to be there for me and our child..but I told him that's not enough for me. I feel so empty inside..what can I do to feel happiness again..its been so long and I hate that I neglected myself along the way. You would never tell by looking at me that I was feeling this way inside..I have a great career, I live in a great neighborhood, I have a beautiful son..and I am so blessed and I just want to be able to enjoy these blessings. I know it sounds crazy..because I can easily drop him and move on with my life. But it just hurts so bad..I hate the disease and what it's done to him. But I realize my recovery is important for ME and I need to put myself first for once. I appreciate this site, this is the first time in 5 years I have vented about this situation I feel so alone in.

dandylion

Ashley......if you haven't....read the recent thread called "The In-Between Place"....
In fact, I will give you a link to it...lol....

I think it is important..even when you have made the absolutely RIGHT decision for yourself and are working on yourself in recovery ...as you are doing....it still takes time. Time. Time.
It takes time to grow some new roots and build new connections and interests....
And, it is important to recognize that we all grieve the loss of anything that we have invested so much of ourselves into....like you describe...
Grief takes time...and it feel like hell, much of the time--especially in the very early parts of the grieving process. This, typically, goes on for weeks and/or months....But, it does get better in fits and starts....and, finally, fades away....
It is a necessary stage that you just have to soldier through...knowing that the light is at the end of the tunnel...
I call it Short-term pain....for the...Long-term gain.....

Go ahead and let yourself grieve---cry as much as you need to...
Get more support for yourself....start going to a support group ...like alanon or similar group...
Continue to read and study...knowledge is power...
Keep your own happiness and welfare as your first priority....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...een-place.html (The In-Between Place)

ScaryTime

Ashley
You are not alone, keep reaching out. Thinking everyone on this site can identify with what you are feeling right now.
My AH is in recovery as well, two months sober today. I struggle with the emptiness I am still feeling as well. He is sober, so why do I still feel so yucky? For me, it is because I did put everything I had into my AH’s behavior. I didn’t act on my own drive, just continuously reacted to him.
What you can do is focus on you for your recovery. What do you want? What makes you happy? Or what makes you feel joy?
Keep reaching out to this site, it really helps to try and put things in perspective even though you might feel your mind is in complete chaos.
I now have more good days than bad but when the bad days come around boy are they bad. I just tell myself that I have to ride it out and it will get better for me; I am getting much better at shifting my focus to my actions “for me” as opposed to obsessing what my AH is up to.
Peace to you and keep reaching out to this site...there is also a ton of information from both the co dependent and alcoholics perspectives on this site. Knowledge of this disease is very important and will help you feel like you are “doing something” rather than just sitting and feeling yucky.
Good luck and peace to you.

dandylion

Ashley...I have one more thought that I would like to share with you.....
You say that "This feeling is the worst"....and, I will grant you that it is gut wrenching....you should have seen what a complete hot mess I was after a break-up, one time.....I didn't know that a person could hurt that bad, at the time.
BUT......I can tell you that an even worse feeling is to be in a relationship and still feel unhappy and lonely deep in your soul...deep, where nobody else sees it--but, there is no real escape from it...
It lingers and just gets worse over time...
At least, with the pain, that you are dealing with, will go away, eventually....

kayleezen

Hi Ashley 12,
Thank you for the post. I know exactly what you mean, my ABF is in treatment too and I have hit a total Al Anon bottom. All the stuff I did for him in the last 3 years just came in full picture as soon as I knew he was safe and sound.
Now I feel so alone, no neglected and so ripped off. SO POWERLESS
He has had not had the humble apologetic attitude like yours has unfortunately, which makes it 100 times worse.
I never see the benefit of focusing on myself or putting myself first because I am so lonely. I did those things the best I knew how for many years when I was younger and although I made a decent life for myself, I always felt I could not form close relationships. That being said I felt very close to my ABF
Now with him in treatment focusing on himself, I just feel very alone, alone with my son, alone at meetings, just very alone. Alone and abandoned and in fear that he will get some sobriety and just find some other lower companion
at a AA meeting and never look back. Then I will just be left here with all the wreckage while he skips off to the next person to use.
The advice is often to leave him but what people don't understand is if that was possible I would have split a long time ago and actually never even been with him in the first place.
Take care and message me anytime.
kayleezen

Bekindalways

^^^ Wow! You have quite the learning curve lady. And yep it hurts
beyond anything.

I remember years ago making a list of things that made me happy. I was such an emotional pretzel that is took awhile to sort out what I thought should make me happy and what actually DID make me happy.

Keep working on you and let us know how you get on.

Maudcat

Hi, Ashley.
Enlightenment comes when enlightenment comes.
You are doing great. Keep going.

HardLessons

Hi Ashley

Quick question - have you decided to move on from your ABF? I know he is in rehab now but I am unclear if your moving on from him or staying with him while placing a better focus on your own well being.

Yes we all hate addiction. Extremely destructive.

Thanks

Sleepyhollo

Hi Ashley
I totally understand how you are feeling. My H went to rehab 16 months ago because things had spiraled out of control. Rehab sucked because it made the relationship even worse and I quit talking to him unless it was absolutely necessary regarding our kid or other practicalities. He was in for 90 days and he needed every single one of those days, not for the alcohol but to address the underlying behaviors and issues. I didn't want him to come home.
Our relationship is still very rocky but I will say this. H has changed for the better a LOT over the past year, even since he got out of rehab. He is a much better person no longer the dry drunk he was when he had quit on his own before. And you're right, we codependent people also have a lot of work to do on ourselves because our codependent behaviors absolutely got us into the situations we're in. I was told by a friend of mine not too make any life changing decisions for the first year because if he is serious about his recovery chances are that he will change a lot over the next year. So unless you are in an unsafe situation or you are absolutely sure now that you're done (believe me I was ready to walk out when I confronted him last year) give it time. Work on yourself whether you stay with him or not because if you don't chances are your next relationship will continue to be a codependent one. Do individual counseling if at all possible and preferably with someone who had an addiction background because it really adds another layer to the problems. I didn't do well with alanon but give it a few tries before you decide one way or the other. And my friend went to alanon meeting with her 4 year old twins on her lap so don't let that deter you! My H also apologized profusely but also realized that apologies aren't gonna cut it. Showing that he has changed will make a difference and that takes time.
So take this time to take care of you and your kid and work on you while your bf works on his recovery because you both need to do this. My H is finally able to be a dad to our 7 y/o (even if he seems like he is a few years behind in how he treats her sometimes but I guess he really wasn't present especially the last 3 years of his addiction so it makes sense he still treats her like a 3/4 year old sometimes ) which is great. I will say that our relationship is far from being repaired and I don't know that I will get past this because I detached in a big kind of way the last couple of years before he quit for good and that is very hard to bounce back from for me. Him not so much because he is ready to move forward . That said though things have calmed down a bit and there is much less tension between us which regardless of what happens between us is necessary because even if we were to split I would still have to deal with him since we have a kid together.
So take time for yourself, be kind to yourself. What your feeling is completely normal. And what I have learned is that even though this is my first relationship with and addict my whole life has revolved around a dysfunctional relationship with my mom mostly (no addiction issues there either ) and my ex husband who were both very controlling. So I basically have my whole life I need to make up for and that takes time to change. Give it time and see how it goes. Lots will change in a year if you are both serious about your recovery. And only time will tell if you will then want to continue the relationship or not. You don't have to make that decision today. Hang in there and see if you can find someone at alanon to talk with. I never had a sponsor but I knew one of the ladies and so I spent a lot of time just talking to her and she had a lot of insight. I got more out of that than the meeting it self mostly because I just don't do well in meetings, but it will really help if you can find someone that has been in your shoes. I have great friends who are there for me (now that I could finally talk to them about it because prior it was all a big secret which made me feel very isolated) but they cannot even come close to understanding what you have gone through and are stil going through. Having someone to talk to whenever you need it that has been through the same thing was a lifesaver for me those first few months.

glenl

This is so important. You have a right and a responsibility to take care of YOU.

And there are great people here whose experience and wisdom can help.

ashley12

I told him we aren't together right now, because he needs to focus on his recovery and I need to focus on mine. But in his mind, we are together. I can't lie, I love him very much..but I know I need to love myself. I don't want to revolve my life around him, I understand that is not a healthy thing to do. A part of me holds on to him and hopes he will be able to recover and be a family with me, but the other part of me says to take it one day at a time and not plan my life around him. I need to make goals for myself and focus on that. I do wonder what life will be like once he is out of rehab..but again I need to take it one day at a time. Thank you for your reply <3

ashley12

Your response hit close to home. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write me and also explain your story. It gives me hope for the future. I do still love him, but I understand loving myself is soooo important. I get frustrated because I don't know if the things he's saying in rehab is real or not. He's cried on the phone several times to me..but I don't know what to say. Because I feel like I should be the one crying because I got hurt..but he will tell me he's hurt from the things he's done (which could be very true).. But still it's the bad memories that make me not sure if I want to further a relationship with him ..even though I love him. I feel like it's a big mind game sometime. But, I will definitley look into Al-Anon or find someone professional that can help me through this. I want to be positive and take it one day at a time, especially since my 5 year old son is watching.
<3

dandylion

Ashley....Now would be a good ti me for you to read the articles in our library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are enough to read some every day...lol....
I am giving you the following link to them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

glenl

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-break-me.html (Two Words Have the Power to Make or Break Me)

Sleepyhollo

I don't know how long your Bf has been in rehab but it took my H almost 7 weeks before he saw some of his ways. The first few weeks he was also still really focused on me. They would ask him how he was doing in group and his responses always involved me in someway and so not really focused on himself. I suspect that your bf is doing something similar just because he doesn't know any better. It was kind of a relief when I decided to quit talking to my H for the most part when he was in rehab. It gave me time to focus on me more and let him do his thing and make him focus on himself rather than me or our relationship. Alcoholics are obviously not known to be able to express their feelings very well and so that is something he has to learn and it is no doubt hard to have to focus on himself. One thing my H said is that in AA meetings and group on rehab they tend to call each other out on BS or codependent stuff. I think that's why 30 days in most cases isn't enough. It takes about two that long to scratch the surface basically,. My H main counselor actually said that he was glad my H had to stay 90 days because 30 days really isn't enough to start digging deeper.
And I hear you on the learning how to love yourself and take care of yourself. It is so hard when you ave always focused on everyone else and trying to fix other people and losing yourself in th procès.
And absolutely you have bad memories and you need to process all of that and take your time doing that preferably with a counselor. It is kind of hard to think of myself as abused because he never laid a hand on me and event though he was a happy drink but I guess really it was all emotional abuse. I actually think that when he was drinking he was actually better than when he wasn't because when he wasn't drinking during the day he didn't handle stress well.
Give yourself time and give him time to change as well. Like I said you don't need to make a decision now. If he is serious about his recovery he will change, but it isn't going to change overnight, far from it.
Even a year later I still have the urge to just run away from it all eventhough he is doing well sobriety wise. It is a complete 180 from what it was and not something I'm used to or comfortable with. I stay because of my kid right now and to really figure me out. I still have a a lot of my own work to do since I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings (because I never really learned that, thanks family of origin ). I've also been in a relationship since I was almost 18, went from my mom to my ex straight to my H and sometimes I feel like I just need to be unattached for a good long while. I have a lot of resentment still and guilt as well. I don't want to break up my family so I am sticking around and trying. If it ends up not working at least I know I gave it my all. It's hard to do whats right for me even if that means leaving my kid with divorced parents. Right now I just don't really know yet but I know I need to do what's right for me ultimately. Because my kid will be out of the house in 10 years and then I still have the rest of my life to live.
Take your time and it is ok to set boundaries and if that means limited or no contact for a while so you can focus on you then so be it. You need to do what's good for you right now. That doesn't means things are over, it just means you need to take care of you. I know one thing, I am pretty sure if I had not done counseling myself I probably would've been gone a long time ago. Never realized how my own past has affected me and gotten me where I am today and I would not have been able to sort through a lot,f that without a counselor. And I'm not a huge proponent necessarily of all the psychobabble because it does weir people me out at times but I also realize that there is some valable stuff and my counselor respects my feelings.
Does your kiddo know whats going on?

Ladybird579

The advice is often to leave him but what people don't understand is if that was possible I would have split a long time ago and actually never even been with him in the first place.

Of course it's possible to leave him. You have choices and your life is yours to control. Your description of your relationship is very bleak. What exactly do you hope will happen to make it any better? You fear he will meet someone else but what is so wonderful about being with that makes you want to stay with him cos from what am reading you said nothing is good for you and he just used you. You can stop it.

kayleezen

So if I just say I can, I will be all fixed up by tomorrow?
The whole I can versus I can't "manifesting" our reality is true.
However if you experience clinical depression which distorts thoughts and you've had a life full of trauma and loss those words sound like Greek. Although not intended to they can also sound dismissive and insensitive.