Been thinking of you all..
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Been thinking of you all..
Getting caught up on forum posts. Life is really busy right now, struggle after struggle, haven't had time to be online much.
Even with all the hardships right now, it isn't as bad as when I was stuck in that marriage daydreaming daily about getting out. I am handling things with strength and confidence. My art is happening and I am sharing it, getting some small jobs here and there which is very neat.
Financially I have absolutely nothing. I can make things work and stretch a dollar, but it is hard. Christmas and emergency dental visits had me stressed. It has almost been 4 weeks since I have received any support from stbxh..false promises and then zero delivery. Also, daily delusional conversations that this is repairable ....Daily he was texting me back and forth changing his mind between getting an attorney or agreeing between ourselves on child support/spousal maint...finally he got an attorney so he can get out of my hair. His notice of appearance was a surprise as the day prior it was a totally different plan but oh well. I have confidence the court will be fair and just - and I will make out better than what I would have agreed/settled for. He is so self focused and still controls the finances, has no real clue what it takes to care for 3 children...He cashed out his retirement in order to retain an attorney which I was trying to avoid, be reasonable, but instead he felt it was worth it? His mind I'll never understand and I am just over it.
This is the first span of almost 2 days where we haven't spoken/he's not blowing up my phone and it's lovely.
Finances are ruined and I found out the hard way (after being extremely conservative with power use) that the utilities for this home are astronomical! So I have come to a hard decision to move back home with my parents- temporarily - to save money and just breathe and not feel so desperate for His cooperation. I will be able to save and likey build my dream home on family property that is owned outright, it is definitely a blow to my ego taking a step back- but the benefits outweigh temporary discomfort.
Any who, this is just a small update to say that: Things are going well. Kids are excelling in school and attitudes and well adjusted. Son is still having a hard time but it's only been 2 months really, kids are able to just be kids and it is lovely to not have an addict/narc/a-hole giving me grief on the daily. My mind is quiet for the most part. My nutrition and fitness goals are once again a priority. Having healthier thoughts daily.
Still struggling and navigating - but much happier and can't wait for another few months to be behind me!
Even with all the hardships right now, it isn't as bad as when I was stuck in that marriage daydreaming daily about getting out. I am handling things with strength and confidence. My art is happening and I am sharing it, getting some small jobs here and there which is very neat.
Financially I have absolutely nothing. I can make things work and stretch a dollar, but it is hard. Christmas and emergency dental visits had me stressed. It has almost been 4 weeks since I have received any support from stbxh..false promises and then zero delivery. Also, daily delusional conversations that this is repairable ....Daily he was texting me back and forth changing his mind between getting an attorney or agreeing between ourselves on child support/spousal maint...finally he got an attorney so he can get out of my hair. His notice of appearance was a surprise as the day prior it was a totally different plan but oh well. I have confidence the court will be fair and just - and I will make out better than what I would have agreed/settled for. He is so self focused and still controls the finances, has no real clue what it takes to care for 3 children...He cashed out his retirement in order to retain an attorney which I was trying to avoid, be reasonable, but instead he felt it was worth it? His mind I'll never understand and I am just over it.
This is the first span of almost 2 days where we haven't spoken/he's not blowing up my phone and it's lovely.
Finances are ruined and I found out the hard way (after being extremely conservative with power use) that the utilities for this home are astronomical! So I have come to a hard decision to move back home with my parents- temporarily - to save money and just breathe and not feel so desperate for His cooperation. I will be able to save and likey build my dream home on family property that is owned outright, it is definitely a blow to my ego taking a step back- but the benefits outweigh temporary discomfort.
Any who, this is just a small update to say that: Things are going well. Kids are excelling in school and attitudes and well adjusted. Son is still having a hard time but it's only been 2 months really, kids are able to just be kids and it is lovely to not have an addict/narc/a-hole giving me grief on the daily. My mind is quiet for the most part. My nutrition and fitness goals are once again a priority. Having healthier thoughts daily.
Still struggling and navigating - but much happier and can't wait for another few months to be behind me!
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
I have come to a hard decision to move back home with my parents- temporarily - to save money and just breathe and not feel so desperate for His cooperation. I will be able to save and likely build my dream home on family property that is owned outright, it is definitely a blow to my ego taking a step back- but the benefits outweigh temporary discomfort.
After all you've been through, being "home" again is a good thing. Outside of the financial reason, sometimes just getting out of the toxic environment even when the toxin is removed, can be very rewarding. There are moments where even when I am in my apartment alone, I feel anxiety thinking about how it became so much of a place of pain and fear for me as I really spent the most time there with ABF. I still visit my parents a couple of times a week and I can say there is nothing like walking in to that warm house, sleeping in my old bed, and knowing I am safe and in a place of sanctuary. Best of luck to you and keep on going. No shame whatsoever in taking a step back, to take a leap forward.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Please don't beat yourself up over this. That's why there is no place like home. I am not familiar with whether you've mentioned a good relationship with your parents, but if you have that, and I'm guessing so if you are able to stay there, then enjoy every moment of taking a time out from stress. We all fall down on tough times at one point or another, and you will always be their baby and that will always be your home (again, I assume only since my parents say this to me lol).
After all you've been through, being "home" again is a good thing. Outside of the financial reason, sometimes just getting out of the toxic environment even when the toxin is removed, can be very rewarding. There are moments where even when I am in my apartment alone, I feel anxiety thinking about how it became so much of a place of pain and fear for me as I really spent the most time there with ABF. I still visit my parents a couple of times a week and I can say there is nothing like walking in to that warm house, sleeping in my old bed, and knowing I am safe and in a place of sanctuary. Best of luck to you and keep on going. No shame whatsoever in taking a step back, to take a leap forward.
After all you've been through, being "home" again is a good thing. Outside of the financial reason, sometimes just getting out of the toxic environment even when the toxin is removed, can be very rewarding. There are moments where even when I am in my apartment alone, I feel anxiety thinking about how it became so much of a place of pain and fear for me as I really spent the most time there with ABF. I still visit my parents a couple of times a week and I can say there is nothing like walking in to that warm house, sleeping in my old bed, and knowing I am safe and in a place of sanctuary. Best of luck to you and keep on going. No shame whatsoever in taking a step back, to take a leap forward.
Thank you Smarie. I have had some struggles with my parents but lately have been working through those and communication is big. I am stronger now to handle my mom's personality and issues...which do come from a good place. I am definitely their baby! haha. the kids and I always hang there and love being there, they have acreage and places to explore, I grew up there and it is home, and this will afford me the ability to save for once, have a fortress where stbxh is not welcome and will not make himself available to just stop by - yada yada. It is for the greater good, but it does come right after I finally have my own peaceful place with space. Thinking longer term will help me in this situation. And a few vacations will be possible for the kids and I- a financial reset and goal setting experience.
Dandy- that's funny you mention that thread- I had read it and commented because it was exactly what I need to read today
Maudcat: Thank you
I do really feel great. And I am excited when I think about the fact that this is how I feel already, can't wait for the farther future. Onto great things!!
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