Smarie78

Letting Go of Your Six So-Called Good Traits That Keep You Tied To The Devil You Know

By: Cindi Sansone-Braff

Have you ever wondered how a nice person like yourself became a magnet for louses, lowlifes, lunatics and liars? If so, then this book is definitely a must-read for you. Trust that it will help you with all your relationships, including personal, professional, platonic, and romantic ones. More importantly, this book will help you have a better relationship with God and with yourself. Be prepared to be shocked as you learn just how bad your so-called good traits can be. To The Good to a Fault People (The Great Enablers), Cindi Sansone-Braff will be seen as their saving grace. To The Self-Serving Narcissists (The Unfixables), she's definitely going to be their worst nightmare.


Top Ten Reasons Why You Need This Book Now!

Please answer true or false:

1. I like to see the good in everyone, and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
2. I believe everyone is like me and tells the truth, or at least when they’re lying, they know that they’re lying.
3. I believe I can fix people, and I feel bad when I can’t, because somehow I feel it’s all my fault anyway.
4. I forgive easily and often.
5. I am extremely loyal.
6. I feel bad when I have to walk away from people, even when they’ve hurt me.
7. I’m a peacemaker and rarely express anger, even when people have hurt and betrayed me.
8. I tend to turn the other cheek; therefore, I make a lot of excuses for people’s abuse: you know, I feel bad that they had bad parents, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada…
9. I never make people account for their bad actions, so, everyone gets away with murder around me.
10. I’m a giver, and I really don’t expect much in return.

After reading the above statements, and answering true to all or most of them, you’re now thinking: Wow! I really am a nice person! Think again. These personality traits are the ones that keep you trapped in unhappy and unhealthy relationships. Reading this book will give you the strength and courage to know when enough is enough!

You will be shocked to learn that the above traits are a form of narcissism. What, me a narcissist? Yes, good people have their own form of narcissism, but I will refer to you as a “Well-Meaning Narcissist,” as opposed to a “Self-Serving Narcissist.”

Having the above personality traits may make you look like a saint, a Christian martyr, but isn’t it egotistical of you to think that you can fix people and that all the mess of the world is your fault?

If you possess any one of the traits listed in the above ten statements, or, what’s worse—many of these traits—then you really, really need this book!

Beg, borrow, Kindle it!

This little good book is your survival guide in a bad, bad, bad, bad world. (less)

Smarie78

Bought this book and wanted to share the great description of what keeps so many of us tied to bad relationships. For me this resonated to a T, even with the sharp sting of understanding my own "well-meaning" narcissism. I still struggle with this even today and I am still working on trying to untangle myself from these chains. And struggle it is. I don't know where it comes from, but it is obviously strongly tied to low self worth. The irony of it is that I always think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders feeling good about myself and who I am. I just really, REALLY, struggle when it comes to taking abuse and exploitation. I know it sounds crazy, but it's something I tend to endure at quite literally, most costs which is very messed up. It's a strong feeling that haunts me and hangs on me like a 400 lb gorilla. Still struggle to find my way out, but at least when I read books like this I know I am not alone. Highly recommend the read!

ChocolatEclair

Just downloaded it to Kindle, thanks! :-)

Bekindalways

Yep, that book's description fits me too. It took me a long time to see myself as arrogant. Now I can't un-see it.

AnvilheadII

however.....there is one way to stop the behavior. one way to change the direction of the narrative.

stop. make the choice to stop. then do whatever it takes to achieve that.

same as any addict. no recovery can begin until the fuel for the addition STOPS. don't drink, don't drug, don't use, don't remain dependent.

thephoenixrises

^^^^yessss^^^^

qtpi

I realized something recently- almost got involved with another arrogant self-centered selfish man- had "everything"- and when I was with him I was euphoric- even "high". I seek the euphoria of being with such a person. Now I understand - I have to stay away from people who will hurt and use me.
So arrogant, selfish men are my addiction- and I make THE CHOICE not to indulge my brain in that particular "high" again. A good therapist really helped me get off the merrygoround.

grayghost1965

PeacefulWater12

I recognise that "high" of being with a certain type of person. Now I am aware of it, I stay away. That type of person is my "drug of choice".

Also I now recognise just how arrogant my thinking was with me trying to "fix" other people. I wasn't being kind, nice etc. I was doing it for my "high". Arrogant indeed.

When I quit alcohol, I now see I used other people as a replacement to the alcohol high.

Now when I meet someone knew, I pay attention to my body. It lets me know whether the person is safe for me or not.

The unsafe ones literally give off like an electric current that my body picks up on. So real (to me) it feels like I could touch it. Safe people do not give this off (to me).

qtpi

I will probably rankle a few people- but I think you could draw a parallel between this kind of book and another book- Twelve Reasons to Keep Drinking for the Alcoholic. I mean really- who wants to justify more pain and agony? This unhealthy relationship gives me a high- if you keep saying- oh just a little contact- just see him on Fridays- whatever- you keep the brain craving going. How much of your day and night is spent thinking about this loser and craving his presence? I spent all day and night, craving, obsessing, thinking. What a waste of my life!

FireSprite

I gotta be honest - I always open these types of threads with an "oh crap" attitude, almost temporarily afraid of finding more that I didn't know I didn't know about myself.

I'm pretty relieved to find that I only identify with 2 out of the 10 things on that bullet point. It's a very real thing, I'm just glad it's not one of MY things. I have enough to keep me busy for a while yet, lol.

Now - I'm not sure if that translates to me not qualifying as "good people" as per the titling, or what.......

Needabreak

I had the same response Firesprite. I don't really identify with any of the bullet points except that I tend to be quite loyal to my friends. For this reason, I have learned to choose my friends carefully.

I didn't see the bullet points as indicating a "good" person. They illustrate a passive person, without much discernment, without healthy boundaries.

I think a lot of us can identify with the feeling of having been that person once, or that at one time we saw those traits as positive. I know I did.

Life is a whole lot better now that I take responsibility for myself -- and let others be responsible for themselves, or deal with their own consequences if they don't take responsibility for themselves.

FireSprite

I completely agree- just couldn't stop myself from being cheeky about it.

That loyalty thing was one of mine too.

SmallButMighty

I read these bullets and they all screamed CODEPENDENT to me. Same with the term "well meaning narcissist"....I'm not judging other people, I'm saying those are traits I exhibited all the while making excuses for my behavior and that of my qualifier.

I would also argue that good people can indeed leave bad relationships. They may have 100 excuses why they don't WANT to but the indeed CAN if they so choose.

Two very good people can be in a bad relationship. It is not always a reflection of the people involved when a relationship does not work ... but it is toxic for both people when they try to force a relationship that brings out the worst in both of them.

There is action and there is excuses. Both have consequences.

Needabreak

1. I like to see the good in everyone, and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
Nope. There are a lot of crappy people and a lot of trainwrecks in this world. There are good people too, but I have learned to keep good boundaries, to be discerning in who I "let in." I can be compassionate, and realize that most people are dealing with a lot of their own pain. That doesn't mean that I have to take on their pain or accept their crappy behavior

2. I believe everyone is like me and tells the truth, or at least when they’re lying, they know that they’re lying.
Nah. We all have our own filters. Some people lie, others just live in confusion and don't know their own truths. Truly honest, self-aware people are very hard to come by in this world.

3. I believe I can fix people, and I feel bad when I can’t, because somehow I feel it’s all my fault anyway.
Hehehehehe..... Hah!!

4. I forgive easily and often.
I forgive easily and often, but I don't forget. When someone shows you who they are, believe them

5. I am extremely loyal.
Yes, but I am careful to whom I give my loyalties. Loyalty has to be reciprocal

6. I feel bad when I have to walk away from people, even when they’ve hurt me.
Not at all. Disappointed, sometimes. But I don't feel bad.

7. I’m a peacemaker and rarely express anger, even when people have hurt and betrayed me.
If someone betrays me, they rarely get a second chance. And never a third.

8. I tend to turn the other cheek; therefore, I make a lot of excuses for people’s abuse: you know, I feel bad that they had bad parents, blah, blah, blah, yada yada yada…
I tend to turn the other cheek too, but only so that I don't hold on to other people's issues. So that I can let go. I don't make excuses for people unless they are children. We all have our difficulties. We don't have to accept or enable other people's aggression or poor behavior.

9. I never make people account for their bad actions, so, everyone gets away with murder around me.
Being a doormat is no fun. Boundaries are your friend.

10. I’m a giver, and I really don’t expect much in return.
I am too, but I never ever give my self-respect away.

FireSprite

I heard "Martyr" screaming in translation myself - probably because I identify that as such a hugely codependent trait (especially in myself). Just like you said:

Ladybird579

9. I never make people account for their bad actions, so, everyone gets away with murder around me.

I am trying to be assertive now but every single time I express upset over people's action or inaction they turn it around to me being the bad guy or not understanding enough or being sexist by saying what I believe to be true based on my own experiences. ie i am fed up of being the only one who cleans, cooks or does anything around the house. In my experience men are slobs. I am not saying all men are but I've yet to meet one that isn't. It's also strange that most tv chefs are men cos I've yet to meet one that can boil an egg.lol

Needabreak

What are your boundaries around this, Ladybird? If you express your feelings, and someone belittles, demeans or discredits your feelings, do you just keep serving them?

Maybe it would be in your best interest to stop doing that.

NYCDoglvr

When I complained to a therapist I met so many losers her response was: "all women meet losers. The difference is they walk away. " In early recovery a sponsor, when told what an a*shole the boyfriend was, said "well, you picked him."

Learning14

Taking a cue from Needabreak...

4. I forgive easily and often.
I do forgive people, but I don't keep myself open to being hurt or a doormat. No. No thanks.

5. I am extremely loyal.
I would agree with this, but...if trust is broken (see #4), I will forgive the person, but I won't go back for second helpings.

10. I’m a giver, and I really don’t expect much in return.
I can be a giver, but after many years I've learned how much and when to "give" to people. It can't be at the detriment of myself and well-being.