Smarie78

Hmm...I dunno, for me it doesn't feel like that. It feels more like a fear than a high. More like impending fear of upsetting or being a bad person for leaving eventhough logically it would be a good thing. Mine feels very fear-based in being unable to let go. But not fear of letting go or losing a 'high', more of a fear of upsetting an order that I feel responsible for keeping. Almost 'sentenced' to a bed I made that to leave feels punishing. Or that I will be punished. This again, is just my own twisted experience that I have seen played out with other relationships, not just romantic. I think there is a lot of anxiety rooted. I didn't realized I was riddled with anxiety until others pointed out what was not normal.

Smarie78

^^Yes, it truly is that simple. Amazing isn't it

SparkleKitty

Simple =/= easy, of course.

But approaching the problem from the mindset that this is the core issue can help make it easier to tackle.

Smarie78

The list for me screamed "COWARD". For me, rather, not everyone. I do feel I have a strong cowardice in me that keeps me stuck in cycles of abuse. Cowardly because my intellectual and logical side know better, know that all of these things are not healthy. But my other side goes to a place where when someone mistreats me I forgive very easily. In fact before I get a chance to follow through with my response to abuse by leaving or staying strong in boundaries, I allow my walls to crumble at the first tear that falls down their face or the first threat of jumping off a balcony, or the first raised voice or show of aggression. It puts a burden on me, or rather I put the burden on myself. I scare myself right into submission.

SparkleKitty

Smarie, it's brave just to acknowledge this about yourself. You don't have to come here and announce that you have these feelings but you do. That's brave. It's a solid first step into changing your mindset and behavior, make no mistake.

You didn't learn to be this way overnight, and it's going to be a long time before acting differently feels anything but bad and weird and wrong. But the more you let yourself experience the discomfort, the more you will understand--in your HEART, not just your HEAD--that the discomfort of making healthy choices for yourself is only temporary, and the rewards of risking it last forever.

Ariesagain

He’s a bully and an abuser who has successfully trained you both to obedience AND to somehow feel responsible for him being a bully and abuser. It’s textbook, really.

You can analyze and research and discuss over and over and over, but the one thing you can’t get back is time. You’re pissing away what should be among the happiest and healthiest years of your life. From a person of an age, take it from me...you will look back one day on these years and desperately wish you hadn’t wasted them.

tomsteve

we either have the same sponsor or they have the same sponsors.

i had a little more added why i didnt leave:
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma a year ish into recovery and already into a relationship with someone as sick(actually sicker) then me.
it was a horrible time with her chronic relapsing and "cant take it"- that being me being diagnosed.
i had major insecurities and fears- how and who would want to have a relationship with someone with cancer!?!?!
so it went on. and on. and on. until i got sick and tired and ended the relationship.
and there i was one day afterwards going off on my sponsor about her.
that jackwagon just sat there with a shiteatingrin, then said,
"who allowed the relationship to happen?who allowed it to continue as long as it did?"
OUCH!!! it can hurt when my head gets popped outta my but.

trailmix

Smarie,

I was in a relationship for a long time that included physical abuse. I can say, I would rather be slapped than mentally abused.

With a slap you see it coming.

I don't judge you by the way, I get where you are coming from.

My ending of that abusive relationship (that lasted many years) was fast. Believe it or not I was watching Oprah one day and she said - Make a decision, the rest will follow.

hmm. Ok so I thought, right, I need to make a decision here. Was it easy? No way, I am also stubborn and loyal and forgiving and excusing etc etc. But I thought that day, ok, i'll do it - and I did.

It was hard, I was scared, just jumping out in to the unknown after years of being with this other person.

Make the decision, the rest will follow Smarie.

atalose

I remember another poster a while back who had a sever inability to leave a toxic relationship and her therapist suggested exploring “Stockholm Syndrome” which is a condition that develops from extreme stress and fear. Might be of benefit to you to do some research on it and if you are still seeing your therapist open that subject up for discussion.

hearthealth

I think lately I've been trying to battle with 10. I'm making headway but it is so tiring. I will never be appreciated for all I am.

I also feel bad walking away from this marriage (4) when it's a work in progress but so saddening that it is and probably never be what I had expected. I guess I stay married because I choose to everyday so I shouldn't complain.

I do forgive easy but it's hard for me to forget and hence the strained relationships.

I am struggling with the fact that other people can not bring me happiness so shouldn't I be happy no matter what others do? It's so hard when they are under the same roof though.

Thank you Smarie, There's so much I've been dwelling on probably too much of the negative.

glenl

Can I argue that this is a two step process? STOP, then ACT TO CHANGE yourself so that your future behavior is different.

I am really proud of my progress in the STOP category and haven't been tested yet as far as romantic-type relationships go to make sure I don't repeat my old patterns. For now, I am doing everything I can to rewire my programs.

AnvilheadII

nicely edited, glenl! thanks! that was implied in the earlier part of the statement:

no recovery can begin until the fuel for the addition STOPS.

as to me RECOVERY and CHANGE are synonymous.

OR we could drag my Universal Remote into it as an analogy - I have a brand new Universal Remote. The instructions are mind-boggling with a lot of disbelief that i really have to take ALL those steps in order for it to WORK.

so far i've only managed step ONE - insert batteries in remote.

which gets me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE unless i take those other steps. however none of the rest of the steps will work without a working remote that turns ON.

Ladybird579

What are your boundaries around this, Ladybird? If you express your feelings, and someone belittles, demeans or discredits your feelings, do you just keep serving them?

Maybe it would be in your best interest to stop doing that.

I think what I was meaning is my attitude is as it is cos of past experience, not only of mine, but people I know. My boundary is if I ever met anyone in the future I'd not be a maid for him. I have also stopped helping most people. I was running myself ragged doing all sorts and I got sick...not minor sick either and just got a load of moaning over me not being available and trying to make me feel bad for letting them down. Noone even bothered to ask how I was. So my boundary was they don't give a rats butt so neither do I now. They lost a willing worker. Meanwhile I get more time to do what I want. Am still working on how I managed to pick two fellas who were worse then useless round the house lol.

Bekindalways

^^^^^ I'm giving you a sitting ovation for this Ladybird (sitting as I'm in bed as I read this )

Smarie, you got us all thinking and talking. Thanks.

I did think how drinking is a high for alcoholics until they progress and then drinking is a necessity to keep from having detox seizures. Do we codies have an equivalent where we MUST have the addict? I so wish there were rehabs for us.

qtpi

Staying with the addict was feeding my addiction and destroying my life. I now have my life back. That would never have started to happen until I left him. Breaking all contact and refusing to feed my craving and obsession with him was essential to my recovery. Get a good therapist Let go of the chains. Don't waste as much time as I did. It really is better on the side. Did I go through withdrawal? I had insomnia, lost weight, cried harder than I ever had- and still thoughts of him raged in my brain like a never ending invasion of fire ants- it took time. It was awful. It was worth it.

AnvilheadII

I scare myself right into submission.

which is a CHOICE in how to respond to a situation.
at some point the excuse "this is who i am, this is what i've always done" gets tired and worn out. and become nothing more than......an excuse to keep on the way we always have and resist CHANGE.

honeypig

Maybe more like "Why Good People DON'T Leave Bad Relationships", or "WON'T Leave Bad Relationships"?

There is always, always some kind of choice being made, or at least that is what I believe, based on my own life and choices and my understanding at this point.