Rough few days...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
This is true. Because... when I was leaving my ex... I was talking to some friends about the situation and I said, maybe I should have told you guys earlier so you could plan an intervention. They said, are you kidding, that would have resulted in a completely f***ed-off Mr. Okatz, then he would have made us ALL the enemy instead of just you! So yeah, he's just quacking. Also, my ex was seeing a therapist that wasn't an addiction therapist/ expert/ sober coach. That was a waste of time. All he heard was: if your mommy made you an addict, you have to cut off contact with her, cause she's clearly a bad mommy. Later it became: if your wife is stressing you out about your drugging, she's clearly a bad for your mental health, and that will cause you to drug more. They always find a Dr. Quack.
Also... if later on you do decide to do marriage counseling, make sure that 1) he is already in recovery and is walking the walk, not just talking it, and 2) the counselor has experience with addicts, because my Mr. Okatz actually took it upon himself to see our Dr. Quack a few times alone, and in those sessions, he totally assassinated my character. Ex: "Okatz makes me drug by stressing me out about my drugging... I feel worse when I'm stressed, that's why I drug." He may have spouted tears or spoken to Dr. Quack in a colluding tone of voice... because he's a master manipulator (note: Mr. Okatz has been an addict since the age of 14, so he has had lots and lots of practice... he's particularly good at manipulating women, the elderly, and the very naive, for example, youth). The few people who told me to GTFO of the relationship were addicts in recovery (of any gender), people who survived domestic abuse (and were working the steps for codependency), and male psychiatrists. None of these people were on SR. SR just made the chorus louder.
That's my 2 cents on relationship/marriage counseling with an active addict.
Also... if later on you do decide to do marriage counseling, make sure that 1) he is already in recovery and is walking the walk, not just talking it, and 2) the counselor has experience with addicts, because my Mr. Okatz actually took it upon himself to see our Dr. Quack a few times alone, and in those sessions, he totally assassinated my character. Ex: "Okatz makes me drug by stressing me out about my drugging... I feel worse when I'm stressed, that's why I drug." He may have spouted tears or spoken to Dr. Quack in a colluding tone of voice... because he's a master manipulator (note: Mr. Okatz has been an addict since the age of 14, so he has had lots and lots of practice... he's particularly good at manipulating women, the elderly, and the very naive, for example, youth). The few people who told me to GTFO of the relationship were addicts in recovery (of any gender), people who survived domestic abuse (and were working the steps for codependency), and male psychiatrists. None of these people were on SR. SR just made the chorus louder.
That's my 2 cents on relationship/marriage counseling with an active addict.
And admittedly, yesterday I did look up his therapist (she has a distinctive first name so was easy to find though he didn't tell me her full name) - not an addiction specialist at all. He's setting himself up to fail and it's really unfortunate.
He has one appointment and started telling me "[Therapist] thinks you should [blah blah blah]" like he had all the answers now. Bah.
But again, not my problem, and I am going to try to put it out of my mind for the day!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Well, why DIDN’T you tell his famly and arrange an intervention..?
And rotate the tires on his car while you were at it.
I can’t even.
And rotate the tires on his car while you were at it.
I can’t even.
What a load of classic BS glenl! Keep moving forward.
Yes if my AH needed to write emails to me instead of just voicing his BS directly I believe it would look exactly like this!
Keep taking care of you!
Hugs and peace!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Glenl, I just reread your ex's email to see if I would get triggered again, and it gave me instant sweat-pouring-down-my-face-anxiety. Then I suddenly felt incensed in a way that was so familiar.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by glenl
I am divorcing him, and soon. I have a brief moment of time on this planet and I intend to enjoy the rest of it.
Originally Posted by glenl
He's setting himself up to fail and it's really unfortunate.
Originally Posted by glenl
But again, not my problem, and I am going to try to put it out of my mind for the day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Glenl, I just reread your ex's email to see if I would get triggered again, and it gave me instant sweat-pouring-down-my-face-anxiety. Then I suddenly felt incensed in a way that was so familiar.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
And you are right - and I couch this by saying that my future XAH (weird phrase that...) has some great qualities - but as I go back through the inventory of how I've felt throughout our relationship and why, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that his drinking is just the issue that broke the camel's back - from the first moment we started this, it was broken. I couldn't see it. I can now.
He knows he has other issues, he has used them as a constant excuse to continue drinking and being abusive.
I contacted the local women's center to see if they could help review my divorce paperwork and their legal person is going to call me and hopefully can give some assistance.
He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Refiner
OMG his “Just know you never apologized for not taking meaningful action to fix the situation when you could have.” HahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahaha Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz
Glenl, I just reread your ex's email to see if I would get triggered again, and it gave me instant sweat-pouring-down-my-face-anxiety. Then I suddenly felt incensed in a way that was so familiar.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
I used to live with Mr ex-Glenl's doppelganger. He's an arrogant, condescending, parasitic abusive pr*ck. He's not just an addict. There's more than one thing wrong with him. He's an addict + waste of human flesh. I would even argue that his addiction is a symptom of a larger, incurable problem. I hope you don't mind me saying that, I just had to get my feelings off my chest. So angry.
I would worry about my own state of health when I’m calling another human being whom I’ve never met a, “waste of human flesh.”
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
Yes and so are we...the ones who have put up with the lies, manipulation and the quacking for years. We are all trying to recover from that ourselves.
Yes and so are we...the ones who have put up with the lies, manipulation and the quacking for years. We are all trying to recover from that ourselves.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sorry, Alamine, I did explain that I was triggered by the email. It made me very, very angry. If you re-read my comment, I was not talking about Mr. Glenl, I was talking about Mr Okatz, whom I called this "waste of human flesh", and I have lived with him for over a decade so he is not someone I have not met. I was saying that the email reminded me of my own husband, who was abusive, and so I made comparisons. I should have been clearer in my writing, also if the comparisons were not appropriate, I apologize.
Originally Posted by Alamine
I would worry about my own state of health when I’m calling another human being whom I’ve never met a, “waste of human flesh.”
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Alamine
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
From Glenl's previous posts, it seems that her ex is abusive. I feel very strongly about domestic violence. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think that addict = domestic violence offender. However, in my case, and possibly in Glenl's case (from what she's said to me, unless I'm understanding something wrong), I am prepared to make that comparison.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Alamine
I would worry about my own state of health when I’m calling another human being whom I’ve never met a, “waste of human flesh.”
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
Please be mindful that we’re talking about living, breathing beings here people.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I've been severely abused psychologically, emotionally, physically. These are every bit as damaging as physical abuse. Recovery from these can come by many paths.
I get it. I know the rage... the anger... the process of needing to have a voice and my own truth.
Yet judging whether someone is fit to be alive is FAR FAR FAR outside the realm of my recovery.
Just sayin'....
There are many things I'll never understand. I've put those in a mental i-don't-know/not-my-business folder to not be shuffled through... simply because it hurts me instead of helping me.
(((Hugs)))
I get it. I know the rage... the anger... the process of needing to have a voice and my own truth.
Yet judging whether someone is fit to be alive is FAR FAR FAR outside the realm of my recovery.
Just sayin'....
There are many things I'll never understand. I've put those in a mental i-don't-know/not-my-business folder to not be shuffled through... simply because it hurts me instead of helping me.
(((Hugs)))
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
glenl, my friend,
I just came across this and felt a strong need to post it here... for all of us... we are not alone.
"She may look delicate,
but it's because she's let her past
soften her heart
and strengthen the warriors inside.
For even the most delicate roses
have sharp thornes"
#LettersbyLamise
"It is hard to not try and force your evolution. I am always in such a rush to become better, stronger, wiser, more beautiful. I’m afraid if it doesn’t happen now, the momentum will be lost, and that progress will never come. But each day is a stepping stone, each moment a progression. I will get there, I will find my evolution, but let it be peacefully. With the strength and subtlety of a river carving a canyon. To let each moment of flow be pure creation."
I just came across this and felt a strong need to post it here... for all of us... we are not alone.
"She may look delicate,
but it's because she's let her past
soften her heart
and strengthen the warriors inside.
For even the most delicate roses
have sharp thornes"
#LettersbyLamise
"It is hard to not try and force your evolution. I am always in such a rush to become better, stronger, wiser, more beautiful. I’m afraid if it doesn’t happen now, the momentum will be lost, and that progress will never come. But each day is a stepping stone, each moment a progression. I will get there, I will find my evolution, but let it be peacefully. With the strength and subtlety of a river carving a canyon. To let each moment of flow be pure creation."
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Yet judging whether someone is fit to be alive is FAR FAR FAR outside the realm of my recovery.
I probably should not have said anything... . I spent the entire time during my relationship not expressing my anger, because I was afraid that if I did, I would be unsafe. Now I don't know where my qualifier is, if he IS alive or dead, and being this angry is the only way I can protect myself from the guilt of feeling that somehow everything is my fault if he does die -- he has even said as much: "I'm going to die and it's your fault if I die!" Anger is my buffer against grief and fear... otherwise I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed in the morning. Reading Mr. ex-Glenl's email was triggering because he repeatedly blamed his ex-spouse for his predicament, as did my ex (to be honest, every time I "hear" an addict blaming someone else, or hear that an addict has passed away, I'm triggered). I realize that this is not recovery from codependency, which I struggle with every day, thank you for pointing that out and allowing me to reflect on it. I don't know when or if I will ever reach a point of acceptance (as you seem to have reached). I think acceptance is an end-goal, is it not? I don't know if I will ever truly get there.
I don't really accept that my ex chose to repeatedly try to kill himself. I don't really accept that he didn't want to stop. I don't really accept that this is the way he decided to end our relationship -- by repeatedly flirting with death and also threatening everyone around him with theirs. This is the beginning of my "codie" translator. "You're a waste of human flesh" = "I don't accept that you're wasting your life and my fears that you might end it are so intense, I'm expressing these feelings as anger!"
I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'll just say that I really should have thought twice before expressing my anger so freely as there are many readers here who struggle with addiction themselves, and many readers who have lost loved-ones. If (and when) I do hear of my STBXAH's passing, it will be like he has murdered part of me that was also part of him -- that's the codependent me saying that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
That really takes the cake
Originally Posted by Refiner
OMG his “Just know you never apologized for not taking meaningful action to fix the situation when you could have.” HahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahahaHahahahaha Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
