Problems worse than cocaine addiction
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 10
Problems worse than cocaine addiction
First post on this forum, bear with me.
Husband of 10years has fought drug addiction all his adult life. Went to rehab prior to us meeting, I naively thought he was cured, couldn't have been more wrong.
He's always been a big drinker but I thought this was I guess normal for him, his family are all big drinkers. Along with drink came use of cocaine which over the years has been my biggest concern. He hides it well, lies etc. It's all been coming to a head and just before Christmas it finally came to that head. I couldn't do it any more, he wanted to stop and finally admitted he had problems. He arranged to meet with a local drug counselling service. New Years Eve was spent at home and he shocked me by saying he was an alcoholic.
I like a drink of an evening, 2 very small gin & tonics, so we'd have a drink every evening. I'd stop at 2, he'd carry on and on. He's self employed, works long hours but has carried on working hard. Weekends he's drink even more, passing out at 3/4am. He said he's been living a double life.
Anyway, first one on one meeting on Thursday. He was really positive about it, he has a medical there next week. We will see how it goes.
For years I've become obsessed over the cocaine, it turns out actually I should've been more concerned over the alcohol. I feel so stupid, it's been staring me in the face this whole time.
He's not had a drink in a few days, he can't sleep, he's not functioning like normal, we have 4 young children and he's struggling with noise, he's miserable and moody. And I'm struggling to, I have no one to talk to, I'm scared and worried for him-can see he's hurting, 4 young children including a new baby, everything is starting to get on top of me.
Writing this all down has helped, I'm sorry for waffling just feels like all our problems have doubled.
Husband of 10years has fought drug addiction all his adult life. Went to rehab prior to us meeting, I naively thought he was cured, couldn't have been more wrong.
He's always been a big drinker but I thought this was I guess normal for him, his family are all big drinkers. Along with drink came use of cocaine which over the years has been my biggest concern. He hides it well, lies etc. It's all been coming to a head and just before Christmas it finally came to that head. I couldn't do it any more, he wanted to stop and finally admitted he had problems. He arranged to meet with a local drug counselling service. New Years Eve was spent at home and he shocked me by saying he was an alcoholic.
I like a drink of an evening, 2 very small gin & tonics, so we'd have a drink every evening. I'd stop at 2, he'd carry on and on. He's self employed, works long hours but has carried on working hard. Weekends he's drink even more, passing out at 3/4am. He said he's been living a double life.
Anyway, first one on one meeting on Thursday. He was really positive about it, he has a medical there next week. We will see how it goes.
For years I've become obsessed over the cocaine, it turns out actually I should've been more concerned over the alcohol. I feel so stupid, it's been staring me in the face this whole time.
He's not had a drink in a few days, he can't sleep, he's not functioning like normal, we have 4 young children and he's struggling with noise, he's miserable and moody. And I'm struggling to, I have no one to talk to, I'm scared and worried for him-can see he's hurting, 4 young children including a new baby, everything is starting to get on top of me.
Writing this all down has helped, I'm sorry for waffling just feels like all our problems have doubled.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Welcome Sammy. You are not stupid. Addicts lie. Sometimes when faced with the possibility that someone we love might have done something terrible, we prefer to believe them if they deny it or hide it... because there's a sense of loss when we discover betrayal. The person that we thought they were is lost, and that's a terrible thing. Good work finally seeing the truth. It's not easy.
Addiction is a family disease. It will not just affect your husband, but also you and your children. Your first priority is looking after your children. Keep them safe. This means that if your partner is drunk or high, please make sure that you are looking after the children, not him. I recommend that you talk to some trusted friends or trusted family and ask for help with the children. Ask people who are not going to judge. The second thing you need to do is make sure that your finances are separate from his... just in case. Addiction is progressive. You don't want to find out, two or three relapses later... that your bank account is empty. The third thing I recommend is going to meetings. See if your local Naranon or Alanon chapters have meetings nearby. You will be able to talk about your concerns with other friends and family of addicts. There will also be a lot of good advice there.
What ever happens remember the four Cs: you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, you can't change it, and you shouldn't let it consume you. The work you need to do is to make sure that you stay mentally, physically, and financially healthy while this is going on, so that you can care for your children.
The work he has to do, which you have no part in, is become sober. You have no part in his addiction and no part in his recovery. This also means you should not keep secrets for him. You should let him suffer the consequences of his addiction and *not* be tempted to clean up messes for him, call people to make excuses for him, cancel plans because of him. You focus on making your life better. Recovery is a long journey and the addict must walk it on his own. It is likely that he will change, he won't have time to look after his relationship with you while he is focused on his sobriety. If you focus on making your life better, it is likely that you will change too... good changes, not bad ones.
Please take care of yourself and your little ones. Please have a read at the stickies. There is a lot of information on SR that can help you. Recommended book for family members coping with an addict is: Melody Beattie's "Codependency No More". It teaches you how to stay sane and detach with love.
Addiction is a family disease. It will not just affect your husband, but also you and your children. Your first priority is looking after your children. Keep them safe. This means that if your partner is drunk or high, please make sure that you are looking after the children, not him. I recommend that you talk to some trusted friends or trusted family and ask for help with the children. Ask people who are not going to judge. The second thing you need to do is make sure that your finances are separate from his... just in case. Addiction is progressive. You don't want to find out, two or three relapses later... that your bank account is empty. The third thing I recommend is going to meetings. See if your local Naranon or Alanon chapters have meetings nearby. You will be able to talk about your concerns with other friends and family of addicts. There will also be a lot of good advice there.
What ever happens remember the four Cs: you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, you can't change it, and you shouldn't let it consume you. The work you need to do is to make sure that you stay mentally, physically, and financially healthy while this is going on, so that you can care for your children.
The work he has to do, which you have no part in, is become sober. You have no part in his addiction and no part in his recovery. This also means you should not keep secrets for him. You should let him suffer the consequences of his addiction and *not* be tempted to clean up messes for him, call people to make excuses for him, cancel plans because of him. You focus on making your life better. Recovery is a long journey and the addict must walk it on his own. It is likely that he will change, he won't have time to look after his relationship with you while he is focused on his sobriety. If you focus on making your life better, it is likely that you will change too... good changes, not bad ones.
Please take care of yourself and your little ones. Please have a read at the stickies. There is a lot of information on SR that can help you. Recommended book for family members coping with an addict is: Melody Beattie's "Codependency No More". It teaches you how to stay sane and detach with love.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sammy.....I suggest that he go to see a private doctor, now...it is possible that the doctor might give him some short term medication to get him through the immediate withdrawl symptoms....No need for him to suffer more than he needs to......
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
It sounds like he might need a medical detox followed by rehab. I suggest Alanon for you. I learned to shift the focus from another person to myself and dealt with my own issues. A big hug.
Addition sucks but him admitting he has a problem finally is a huge step in the right direction. It needs to be out in the open if he want to get sober. And addicts are very good at hiding and manipulating so don't feel bad that you didn't see it for what it was. Focus on you and the kids and he needs to focus on himself. You really can't do anything for him other than keeping your household going and taking care of you and the kids. Hang in there. It won't be an easy road and more than likely a long road because even if he quit drinking it will take several months of him changing if he is getting help. But the first step was him admitting that he has a problem and seeking therapy and that's positive!
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