StandingStrong

I hear a lot of people talk about possibly leaving their A spouse and I know myself that it's a very hard decision to make. The doubts, the fears, the insecurities, etc that we face are non-stop as well as downright scary. I also know from past experience that it's commonplace to leave, take them back, leave, take them back, etc. It's a never-ending cycle really.
But here are some things I want you to think about if you are thinking of leaving - or are in that back-and-forth process of leaving, taking them back, etc.
First off, if you kick them out or you leave, be sure that your never getting back together is one of the things that you are actually prepared for. My ex-SIL kicked my brother out. She was really shocked, surprised, and angry as all get out when she realized he was calling her bluff. He didn't go back!!!! This could possibly happen to you if you continue to play the revolving door game with them.
Other things you may want to consider....
Are you still in love with your spouse?
Personally, I think there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Perhaps you disagree, and if so that's fine. However, your feelings need to be addressed before making a rash decision that will affect you for the rest of your life.
Are you financially able to be on your own?
If not, do you have a plan as to how you will take care of yourself as well as your children.
Do not rely on child support!!!!!
Ah, a big mistake I've seen people make (involving addicts and non-addicts). Your spouse may quit their job, they may not be able to be found as they disappear, etc. Child support may be required by law - but I know lots of people that are years and thousands of dollars behind! I'd recommend a financial plan of sorts before you leave if at all possible.
Are you getting anything out of the relationship? Is it enough? (be honest with yourself).
Can you handle being alone without someone? Or would you be apt to jump to another person right away?
Are you working on your recovery? THis is a big one folks. Just because the A isn't in your life anymore does not mean that you can slip into old patterns. If you do, more than likely, you'll end up with another A!
Child visitation. Do you/can you trust your A with your children? If not, then be sure to make a plan that covers your A having supervised visits. If at all possible, I'd start documenting things now! Along with a list of witnesses that can support your idea that he is not trustworthy. You may need this later!
Are you willing to give up the financial lifestyle that you now have? Your home, your vehicles, the yearly vacations, etc.
How do you feel when you think of your spouse being with someone else?
How do you feel when you realize that your spouse may never be there to kiss you again? To hug you? To be your friend, your companion, etc?
And what about your dreams that you've carried all this time? You know, the ones that you had when you married this person. The wonderful life that the two of you were going to have together! Are you ready to let those dreams of the two of you go?

I'm sure that most (if not all) as well as more thoughts have crossed all of our minds. But I also know that as a person that used to do that empty threat thing and caused the revolving door relationship and then saw my ex-SIL be shocked when my brother didn't go back - it's a dangerous game that we play. And there are lots of things to think about and settle within ourselves.
Because I'm now seperated and preparing myself to go through a dissolution/divorce with my AH, In hindsite, I can see where I wish maybe I had taken other routes. Other things that maybe I needed to have tried and done. I'm not taking the blame just being honest here. I hit my bottom but had not planned for that day to come. In hindsite, I wish I had been more prepared (financially, emotionally, etc)
So I guess in closing, all I'm really trying to say, is that not to make those empty threats without following through or being prepared for if they follow through on it for you. And if you are even thinking about leaving your A spouse, then prepare for it. If it doesn't happen, you aren't out anything. You've only gained some peace of mind. And if it does come to that, well, you'll be a little more prepared.
I hope you all don't think that I'm trying to send the message for you all to leave for that is not my intent. Our recovery is about US and I think that preparing is only beneficial. We never really know how life will be. As we've seen, sometimes the unthinkable happens and our spouses pass away, they leave, go on long-time binges, etc. Think about YOU and your children and try to prepare yourselves for the unplanned.
Hugs to you all.

Cadence57

Great advice!
I wish someone had said these things to me before I split with my ex husband (who was not an A but may as well have been)... I would have still split with him but I would have been better prepared.
Marti

JessicaNAJ

Thank you StandingStrong - This is exactly why I logged on today.

cwohio

standing - great food for thought. thanks for posting this!

hugs - cwohio

andbackagain

I just posted a few days back wondering when to leave and when to stay ... looking for opinions. Reading this provided some great insight.

Dee at Mt Bully

Wow I'm sitting her with one foot out the door--your post makes a lot of good
points. My son is raised and on his own so I'll be just me. My son is around though
and very supportive. The problem isn't so much that my AH can't quit drinking--
it's more about him not admitting that he is an AA and that he needs help. It's
incredably lonely being home every evening with a mate that is asleep on the couch.
I think it's easier to be home alone than with someone who isn't really there. I
know that when he goes out of town for work I actually enjoy my time. Nothing
like a smelly snoring drunk to get my anger engine running. Smiles---Dee

Cadence57

Sounds like my ex-A. He can quit drinking (for short periods) but will not admit that the alcohol is a problem in his life (despite plenty of evidence to the contrary) Needless to say, if it's not a problem he doesn't need help.

I chose to take the proverbial bull by the horns and make my own happiness. I don't ever want to get to the point where being alone is better than being with someone... and sometimes it could be sooo lonely, even sitting next to him - that's no life for anyone.

And I must have your same anger engine - runs on the same "gas" as well...
I had more than one sleepless night thanks to his stale beer smell and alcohol induced snoring... YUK I'm not going to miss THAT!

StandingStrong

I wasn't sure how well my post would be received by you all. I'm glad to know that it may have helped some one out or at least given you something to think about.

Need more? Here's a few more......

We all know the Blame Game that our A spouses play. Are you prepared to have all the blame put on you for when the marriage ends? Prepared to have him telling his buddies, his family, etc. that it's all your fault?
What about his family? Whether in denial or not about their addiction - often times, families do remain very firm in support of the A and not you. It is their family and for some folks, blood is thicker than water.
Are you prepared to run into your A after your divorce - him with another woman? Or how about if he sees you with another man (Even if it's totally innocent)? Are you really prepared for that?
Let's not forget that the irresponsible A will often times not show up to pick up their kids when it's their day. Be prepared to witness the heartache of your children when the A doesn't show up or continuously talks badly about you.
Are you really ready to allow your A to go on with his life? Which could possibly include having their new gf/bf/spouse around your children?
Are you ready to give up celebrating all the holidays with your spouse as you've always done? No more christmas's together, no Thanksgiving, no more family reunions for you to attend together, family get-togethers, etc. (Granted, some families can work this out but many can't)
Are you ready to take off that wedding ring that you wear? The one that you've worn so long that always has meant something more to you than it's worth in money? To give up the dreams you had of a life with this person?
Are you prepared to look your A in the eye and tell them "Goodbye" and really mean it?

Just some more food for thought.

I hope that you all make the right decision for YOU!
But regardless of your choice, I hope that you will always stay focused on your recovery. Even if you choose to leave your A, you still need to recover your own life!

JessicaNAJ

This is where I'm stuck....

Thanks for this post.

freya

I think that it is always wise to do things (especially important things that cannot be undone) as intentionally as possible and with as good of planning as a given situation allows. However, I also know that thinking about every possible thing that might happen if I do A,B,C or D and then about every possible way that I might respond to each and every one of those possibilities, and so on and so on, is often just another insidious way that I can get stuck in my head and have lots of excuses not to take action that I need to take to protect myself and keep my own life moving in the right direction.

To think and plan is wise; to use thinking and planning as an excuse for not acting is dangerous. To acknowledge that fact that hard choices and big changes almost always involve loss and pain of some kind is wise; to avoid those choices and changes because of that is to allow fear to control our lives.

If we wait until we have an answer for and feel perfectly comfortable with every possible thing that could happen as a result of our taking any given action, we will be stuck right where we are until we whither up and die.

No matter what we do or how much we plan, there are never going to be any guarantees -- and sometimes it is truly necessary to take the leap of faith and trust that the universe has answers for the things we don't yet have answers for ourselves. (It also has questions that we have not yet even imagined and won't even be able to imagine until we take our next step.)

Plato said that the unexamined life is not worth living -- but it often seems easy to ingore the corollary to that truism: The over-examined life is not lived at all.

bookworm

Thank you Standing. I needed that post at this time.
I've thought about leaving more than once. I know from past experience that once I do something, I don't go back. All those questions you've raised have been rattling around in my brain. I absolutely agree with you when you say that there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and that's one of the battles I'm having right now. Is it enough to love this man...is that enough to keep me here? Am I still in love or not? I know I do love him....but as for being in love. Dunno. There's so much that makes it worthwhile staying, but then again there's also much to be said for leaving.

Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!

Oh well - round and round we go.
HugZ
Sandra

jessieandme2003

I wanted to say things similar to freya. But freya's post was so well written I can only say "ditto".

Yes, you should have a good plan. But as someone who has done it, I can say that my life is far better for me now that I am away from him. Yet many of the things you mention I would not have been able to say I was 'ready' for. They hurt, of course.

But in the end I would have been wrong if I styaed because I didn't think I was ready for all that emotional loss. In the end I was ready, and I didn't realize how strong I was. I didn't realize how much EASIER it would all be than I had built it up in my mind.

Like the family, I was real worried, and I was way wrong. They were 100% supportive and wished I'd done it sooner. I was stunned. They said all thta mattered was my happiness.

Like the finances, I would have thought I couldn't do it, but I am doing just fine.

Like my daughter, who actually does not see me as a failure but is happier than ever.

Like being alone. That was a tough one for me. So you know what, I wasn't. I filled my calendar with friends and family and discovered the world I had been missing. Friends from work, old friends I hadn't seen, it was actually easy to fill my calendar. I am not saying there weren't those empty moments, I'm saying they weren't worth hesitating over.

Like him with a new girl. Well, in my case, he was with her within a few weeks if not immediately. DId it hurt? Well, yeah, but it hurt more to realize how long I stayed in a bad situation with someone ebcause I thought we loved each other, only to find it so easy for him to replace me once he couldn't control me anymore. It helped me actually be more sure of my decision to see him do that.

I'd say the harder ones are working on ourselves, and letting go of the fantasy we had of how our life would be with them, because for me it never was going to be.

I was told here I would have to mourn my dream, and that is more what I had to do than anything.

journeygal

I don't think love should be used as an excuse to stay with someone.

Of course we love our spouses and SOs. There's no way we would have (or should have) lasted this long if we didn't. Loving them, being in love with them, or whatever caring feelings we have, they're irrelevant. It's very much like the case of a parent struggling with the decision to kick their child out of the house. It has nothing to do with their love for them and everything to do with choosing to end the chaos and drama and deciding to trade a sick environment for a much healthier one.

All the other stuff we have to deal with - giving up the dream, being alone, financial concerns - they definitely need to be addressed. But I really don't think love should be a factor at all.

Magichappens

Focussing on our recovery is the way to find the right thing for ourself. Whether we stay or leave, we have to realize that we need to change. It takes a certain amount of time to get our own recovery feet under us. Knowing that we have choices and are not a victim help us to get perspective on what we want in our life. The tools that we are offered through recovery, detachment, support, patience, self love, help us to take the necessary steps to live a better life.

To become a whole person allows us the freedom to choose. Until we find that within ourself, we are trapped in that revolving door of codependency.

This is a great post. Thanks and hugs, Magic