What changed?
 

My H drank all his adult life but it was under control (I guess). He functioned and never drove drunk.

Then six Months ago, he lost control and stopped functioning at home and driving drunk.

People say something must have happened for him to change (his dad was near death). I also have suspicions about another woman but nothing I can prove.

Did something cause him to lose control or is this just the progressive nature of the disease?

Thanks.

alcoholism is progressive. functioning is a stage of alcoholism.

now onto you. what are ya doing for you?

In my opinion, with very little information, it is just the progressive nature of the disease. I'm sure traumatic life events can hasten the progression at times.

Either way, the train has left the station, and the reality of his alcoholism is what both of you need to accept in order to move forward.

@tomsteve, nothing yet. But I will. I have my own therapist and I have the codependent book. I need to figure out how to incorporate al anon and my husbands out patient has a family meeting too.

I accept it. I hope he does. Time will tell.

I just think people want to blame it on some event and I wasn’t sure how to answer that.

I've found it very difficult to discuss this kind of thing with people who have no experience with addiction, or the lack of logic governing it. Everyone has ideas and misconceptions about how it works. I learned to just shrug and say, "Maybe," when they try to offer some insight about addiction that they think is just common sense.

I think I’m still at the stage where I’m trying to learn all I can about the disease. That’s a part of recovery too isn’t it?

Angry.....people looking for an excuse or rationalization can always find one...
People drink as a way to cope with feelings...good feelings or bad feelings...
Lol...one member, here, talked about how her husband drank because it was the cat's birthday....
And, of course, there is the progressive nature of alcoholism...it does get worse over time....

Absolutely. As long as it doesn't come at the expense of taking care of yourself. :)

I never realized how little I knew about addiction (and I'm in medicine ). Unfortunately I feel like I've become somewhat of an expert, not a bad thing but the reason why of course is not fun. I do feel like it is better for my patients because I can counsel them better. Before it was just "you need to go to AA" but now I know it's not that simple. and unless people have dealt with addiction they're not gonna get it.
And yes at some point people will cross that line, that is the progression of the disease. For some people it takes many years (like my H) and others it happens a lot sooner. Whether or not that is triggered by certain events or not is hard to say/prove.

I think one answer is that if anybody knows the answer, it's your husband himself.

He says no but I don’t believe much of what he says right now.

I’m struggling with I love him but don’t trust him. Not sure how this will end.

If he is actively drinking I wouldn't believe him either. Only you will know when it's enough for you. When I confronted my H last year I was really ready to walk out with my kid if nothing changed. He decided he did not want to lose the marriage and took action. Ultimately though even though he may have needed that kick in the butt to get kick started, deep down he was ready. He told me this a few months ago. That he felt like he needed to do something but that he couldn't somehow get to that point himself. My ultimatum gave him that push. Had he not been ready to seek help I would've left him. 3 years ago when I confronted him I was not ready to do that. Only you know when enough is enough. It is easy as outsiders to tell people what to do. But just like he needs to want to get some on his own, you have to want to stay together or call it quits. As long as everyone is safe you can take your time to decide.
If he decides to get sober and actively get treated, give things time. A lot will happen and change in a year if he is really committed to recovery.
If he is not willing to get sober then you need to figure out how long you are willing to deal with this.i know it's a lot easier said than done and there is a lot of factors that are at play in those decisions. And you're the only one that can make a decision. I think you are working on getting to see a counselor. I really encourage you to try and see one sooner than later. A good one will not steer you in one direction or another but help you work through it so you can make a decision for what's best for you and not feel guilty about it.
Sending you lots of strength.

@sleepyhollo,I gave him an ultimatum and he understood then drank and got a dui.

The dui is what prompted him to finally get help. He is not drinking right now.

We do have an appointment with a marriage counselor next Week.

Good luck with marriage counseling with an A - tried that with AW, we never got anywhere because she said there was too much time focused on her drinking, and only "I" was the problem, not her.!

Good luck with the counseling. You're giving him a chance and his actions will let you know how serious he is. Only time will tell how it goes. Whatever happens, you can honestly say that you gave it your best to make it work. If he is willing to do his part then awesome. If he is not then you will have your answer.
Is he doing individual counseling as we'll? Our marriage sessions sometimes turn into individual session basically with the other person there but I guess that wouldn't necessarily be a bad things if he is not doing individual counseling. Agree with PP though that unless he is working on his personal behavioral issues and see his own faults marriage counseling will be tough. This is true whether the person is an alcoholic or not really. Can't work on marriage issues u less you fix the personal issues.
Anyway, kudos for you to try everything in your power to give a try. That's all you can do.

Prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.

It's the progression of the disease.

When I 'crossed over',as I view it, I just no longer cared about anything except my next drink(s). I still kinda(?) held it it together at work(self employed a normal job would have fired me. I would have fired me.) My home life with my now exAgf, turned into nothing but bars every night after work and some 8hr sessions at the same bar on off days(NOT NORMAL!). That's the lives we were living and it was horrible. It wasn't a life at all. So, nothing really happened to me except the progression of my drinking and constant thoughts of drinking.

I agree that marriage counselling with a drunk that hasn't owned up and sought help,on their own, is pointless. I would have just lied and tried to manipulate everyone in the room. I was good at manipulation and I'm not proud of that.