It's finally starting....
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
It's finally starting....
My STBXAH is starting to get overnight privileges with our child...
He had his first over the holidays and he will continue get one night a weekend when he's in town. For those who've followed my posts, he has been restricted from overnights for over a year...He's testing daily with Soberlink and required to provide proof of AA attendance and therapy to the courts which is how he finally got his first overnight....and it seems the bus is leaving the station.
He (actually) told me that he still doesn't think he has a problem, he knows he can "control it," but he's just doing what he has to do in the meantime so he can get what he wants, aka overnights with our young child.
It seems the court doesn't really care though as long as he's providing some evidence of not drinking.
I find it all maddening but I'm also feeling worn down. Part of me is starting to just accept that Soberlink testing is the only way that I can ensure he's sober with our child overnight.
I've also really internalized some of the sage advice from you guys about trying to separate my DS's safety while with my STBXAH from my own feelings about my STBXAH. For example, "I know DS will be safe protected against drinking with Soberlink while with my STBXAH " instead of "My STBXAH is a delusional, emotional abusive, jerk and should not be around my DS at all." As my attorney and the GAL have both told me, there are no laws to protect children from a$$holes.
I don't know guys....it still feels yucky.
Knowing that my STBXAH is just gaming the system or going through the motions will always cause me to be on high alert because I know its only a matter of time before he can't "control" the urges any longer. I pray that time is NOT when he is in town for parenting time with my DS.
I will also admit that despite knowing the truth about my STBXAH, I do still try and create some healthy memories for my DS by spending time all together. I'm doing my best to hold boundaries with myself, i.e. 1.) I will not discuss the divorce around DS no matter how much STBXAH wants to 2.) I will leave if I feel that I'm being treated poorly
Oh brother, this experience is so SUPER tough. I waiver between feeling happy that I was able protect my DS as long as I have, working with the courts to get the proper safety guards in place to ensure his continued safety while with STBXAH AND I haven't done enough and something bad will happen again because of my failed efforts.
Any thoughts or words of wisdom are appreciated....I appreciate you all so much!
He had his first over the holidays and he will continue get one night a weekend when he's in town. For those who've followed my posts, he has been restricted from overnights for over a year...He's testing daily with Soberlink and required to provide proof of AA attendance and therapy to the courts which is how he finally got his first overnight....and it seems the bus is leaving the station.
He (actually) told me that he still doesn't think he has a problem, he knows he can "control it," but he's just doing what he has to do in the meantime so he can get what he wants, aka overnights with our young child.
It seems the court doesn't really care though as long as he's providing some evidence of not drinking.
I find it all maddening but I'm also feeling worn down. Part of me is starting to just accept that Soberlink testing is the only way that I can ensure he's sober with our child overnight.
I've also really internalized some of the sage advice from you guys about trying to separate my DS's safety while with my STBXAH from my own feelings about my STBXAH. For example, "I know DS will be safe protected against drinking with Soberlink while with my STBXAH " instead of "My STBXAH is a delusional, emotional abusive, jerk and should not be around my DS at all." As my attorney and the GAL have both told me, there are no laws to protect children from a$$holes.
I don't know guys....it still feels yucky.
Knowing that my STBXAH is just gaming the system or going through the motions will always cause me to be on high alert because I know its only a matter of time before he can't "control" the urges any longer. I pray that time is NOT when he is in town for parenting time with my DS.
I will also admit that despite knowing the truth about my STBXAH, I do still try and create some healthy memories for my DS by spending time all together. I'm doing my best to hold boundaries with myself, i.e. 1.) I will not discuss the divorce around DS no matter how much STBXAH wants to 2.) I will leave if I feel that I'm being treated poorly
Oh brother, this experience is so SUPER tough. I waiver between feeling happy that I was able protect my DS as long as I have, working with the courts to get the proper safety guards in place to ensure his continued safety while with STBXAH AND I haven't done enough and something bad will happen again because of my failed efforts.
Any thoughts or words of wisdom are appreciated....I appreciate you all so much!
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I'm sorry, that must be really tough for you. I can't imagine how you must feel (well I can a little but luckily I've not been out in that situation).
How often is he doing soberlink and at what times? My H does soberlink 4 x a day, 7am, 11am, 3 pm and 7 pm. Now I don't really have any concerns that he would drink right after the last test of the day because he is in recovery after rehab etc and doing well. But your XH admitting he is basically just playing the game and denying he has a problem would be very concerning to me. I would probably want late night and early morning testing when he has your kiddo.
I think you're right that it will be only a a matter of time before he will not be able to control it and hopefully that won't happen when he has your kiddo. It's frustrating when the courts don't really care but I guess since he is playing their game and so far succeeding there really isn't anything you can do until he fails.
It sounds like you are handling it well (even if it is really tough) and doing what's best for your kiddo, so kudos to you!
How often is he doing soberlink and at what times? My H does soberlink 4 x a day, 7am, 11am, 3 pm and 7 pm. Now I don't really have any concerns that he would drink right after the last test of the day because he is in recovery after rehab etc and doing well. But your XH admitting he is basically just playing the game and denying he has a problem would be very concerning to me. I would probably want late night and early morning testing when he has your kiddo.
I think you're right that it will be only a a matter of time before he will not be able to control it and hopefully that won't happen when he has your kiddo. It's frustrating when the courts don't really care but I guess since he is playing their game and so far succeeding there really isn't anything you can do until he fails.
It sounds like you are handling it well (even if it is really tough) and doing what's best for your kiddo, so kudos to you!
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I’m sorry BAW81. That’s a tough situation however it seems you are doing everything you can to protect your child. It’s unfortunate that your AH is such an a$$hole, but that is unfortunately not against the law.
Keep doing what you can and know that we are all sending our virtual support and prayers to get you all through this with the hopes that the alcoholism doesn’t progress while your son is with him...
Keep doing what you can and know that we are all sending our virtual support and prayers to get you all through this with the hopes that the alcoholism doesn’t progress while your son is with him...
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
At one point in the process, my ex used SoberLink for continuous monitoring. It wasn't long before I was convinced he was gaming the system to create a long enough window between his evening and morning tests to drink. But I had some solace in the fact that it limited him, and if it did not, it would create data that I could use to fight to rescind his parenting time.
Eventually I grew tired of policing him, because nothing I did gave me any level of confidence in his recovery. I told myself that he was probably drinking and started working with a therapist to understand how I could best support my kids so that they would know what was going on and were empowered to keep themselves safe.
Big hugs. I went through years of what you're going through, and all I can say is that as he gets worse, it's unlikely that he will pursue MORE time with your child, because it will limit how much he can drink. My ex just gave me voluntary custody to "focus on his recovery" but there is a part of me that thinks it is just a ploy to get them out of the way so he can drink more and more.
Eventually I grew tired of policing him, because nothing I did gave me any level of confidence in his recovery. I told myself that he was probably drinking and started working with a therapist to understand how I could best support my kids so that they would know what was going on and were empowered to keep themselves safe.
Big hugs. I went through years of what you're going through, and all I can say is that as he gets worse, it's unlikely that he will pursue MORE time with your child, because it will limit how much he can drink. My ex just gave me voluntary custody to "focus on his recovery" but there is a part of me that thinks it is just a ploy to get them out of the way so he can drink more and more.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Thank you to everyone who replied! CoParent - While I know that my STBXAH "loves" our DS as much as he can, I have my suspicions he's only really interested in getting more time to spite me. He's dragged out this divorce process so long and for no good reason...I wouldn't be surprised that when its finalized, his trips to visit will start to get further apart. Only time will tell...
My DS is too young for counseling but I already know that the best thing I can do for him is to give him healthy coping skills on how to navigate life the best way possible with an AF. Meaning he will start as soon as it's age appropriate.
He's in town for PT for the next week...wish me luck!
My DS is too young for counseling but I already know that the best thing I can do for him is to give him healthy coping skills on how to navigate life the best way possible with an AF. Meaning he will start as soon as it's age appropriate.
He's in town for PT for the next week...wish me luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by BAW81 
My DS is too young for counseling but I already know that the best thing I can do for him is to give him healthy coping skills on how to navigate life the best way possible with an AF. Meaning he will start as soon as it's age appropriate.
I'm just starting to understand fully that my responsibility is solely to them, and not him. It's not my job to be sensitive to his condition / his desire to keep it a secret, or try to monitor it. Realizing this made it much easier for me to detach from anything he was doing and focus on my side of the street.
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