When does it stop hurting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
When does it stop hurting?
We have been separated since August, AH is still drinking but says he isn't. He has quit going to his therapist and is taking testosterone instead of working on his issues. He is trying to have a relationship with his kids but on his terms which means surface level and fake without putting any work in. Daughter has asked him to meet with her at therapy but he won't do it. So today he showed up at a Dr.s appt for our son. Our son has had a heart condition since he was little he is now 20. I think in total my AH has been to 4 appts including today. He was there 2 hours early because he messed up the time. I was shocked at what I saw. It wasn't your typical skinny, sickly but just an emotional hollow person. He wasn't wearing his ring, he pretty much ignored my presence. I don't think I will ever get closure from this man, from his actions he is unwilling to work on himself, his family or his relationship with me but he won't tell any of us that. He just continues to make his appearance like he is this good guy who is a victim of life. I think I realized I am never going to get an answer or closure today and its just really hard. 22.5 years spent with someone who can't even give me an answer or set me free. I have still been waiting for that I guess. The hollow shell of an individual so out of touch with reality that I saw today is not someone I should be waiting on, he can't even love himself. I just never saw it before. I came home sick at my stomach and grieving at a whole other level. I just feel a little lost today.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh friend. It's true. You won't ever get closure, and the best thing you can do is to never expect it. My XAH is the same. Tries to put on a show acting like he is fine. Until...he is not. I cannot change it at all, and I don't try. I expect nothing, and normally that is just what I get. More importantly, and more sadly, that is what my children get as well.
Divorce did not give me peace. Going no contact except about things regarding our children that are 100% necessary to speak about is the only thing that gave me peace, and space in my head to focus that energy back to me and my children. However, divorce let me move forward.
Big hugs. I hope your son's appointment went well.
Divorce did not give me peace. Going no contact except about things regarding our children that are 100% necessary to speak about is the only thing that gave me peace, and space in my head to focus that energy back to me and my children. However, divorce let me move forward.
Big hugs. I hope your son's appointment went well.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It's not up to the alcoholic to set someone else free. A person with active addiction isn't able to set themself free, to show up for their own needs or to face their own emotions... or ours.
For me, the hurting stops when I embrace life. The hurting stops when I'm willing to walk through my own pain and let go of the pain from others. The hurting stops as I connect with healthy people who've been through this and gain skills, tools, abilities in dealing with my pain... including seeing pain I never knew I had been carrying around inside of me.
(((((Hugs)))))
One day at a time. Finding something you enjoy can let joy build in you. Focusing on the pain itself doesn't seem to lessen it.
For me, the hurting stops when I embrace life. The hurting stops when I'm willing to walk through my own pain and let go of the pain from others. The hurting stops as I connect with healthy people who've been through this and gain skills, tools, abilities in dealing with my pain... including seeing pain I never knew I had been carrying around inside of me.
(((((Hugs)))))
One day at a time. Finding something you enjoy can let joy build in you. Focusing on the pain itself doesn't seem to lessen it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
think I realized I am never going to get an answer or closure today and its just really hard. 22.5 years spent with someone who can't even give me an answer or set me free.
nope, that's like trying to use a hammer as a bandaid.
he can't set your free, because he never had the keys to the cage.....YOU DID all along.
nope, that's like trying to use a hammer as a bandaid.
he can't set your free, because he never had the keys to the cage.....YOU DID all along.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I think I realized I am never going to get an answer or closure today and its just really hard. 22.5 years spent with someone who can't even give me an answer or set me free.
It was only when I realised I held the keys to my prison of my own making that I could be free. My exah didn't have any answers. Hell he still has no idea why he drinks after 5 bouts in long term rehab. The answers were inside me, not him. It was asking myself why I expected anything from him and why I put up with nothing but crumbs from him for 20 years? Why did I expect him to want to work on his issues or have a revelation about why he treated us all the way he did? Why did I assume he had a normal mindset whe he showed me over and over he hadn't? I moved forward with the divorce and I turned my attention off him and onto me and my kids. It gets easier. It's been 3 years for me and I still have bad days but the good outweigh them now. The less you have to deal with him the better life becomes. The more you work on yourself and your own life the more you learn and understand and his victim playing and everything else he does won't bother you as much.
It was only when I realised I held the keys to my prison of my own making that I could be free. My exah didn't have any answers. Hell he still has no idea why he drinks after 5 bouts in long term rehab. The answers were inside me, not him. It was asking myself why I expected anything from him and why I put up with nothing but crumbs from him for 20 years? Why did I expect him to want to work on his issues or have a revelation about why he treated us all the way he did? Why did I assume he had a normal mindset whe he showed me over and over he hadn't? I moved forward with the divorce and I turned my attention off him and onto me and my kids. It gets easier. It's been 3 years for me and I still have bad days but the good outweigh them now. The less you have to deal with him the better life becomes. The more you work on yourself and your own life the more you learn and understand and his victim playing and everything else he does won't bother you as much.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
I’ve been separated from XAH for about 14 months & divorced for 5 months. I still have contact with him because of the kids
It still is hard but life is soooo much better with him out of the house.
I’m working on being financially independent from him and I almost am
The less I have to deal with XAH the better. It’s like “out of sight out of mind.”
I still find myself getting angry at him. And there are many days where I feel so lonely.
It still is hard but life is soooo much better with him out of the house.
I’m working on being financially independent from him and I almost am
The less I have to deal with XAH the better. It’s like “out of sight out of mind.”
I still find myself getting angry at him. And there are many days where I feel so lonely.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
viola, I was married and living with my ex for 25 yrs, then another 18 months separated but not divorced.
I think sometimes when you are in a relationship for that long, that it is hard to separate the "me" from the "we". I wanted to keep on blaming my ex for everything that was wrong in my life. It made me feel good because I wanted to blame the him part of it, the "we" part, and not focus on the "me" part. I don't even know if that makes any sense.
I wanted some kind of closure so bad. I wanted to know that he didn't blame me and that he knew that I did the best that I could, etc.... One day though, I woke up and I gave myself "closure". I was never going to get it from him. I needed to look deep inside myself and give it to myself. I had to make amends to myself for staying in a situation that I could not handle. I wasn't in that situation anymore, and what I needed to do was to live the rest of my life, the best that I could.
I think my ex told me more then enough that I cannot control him, or cure him, change him. I think I had to learn and accept that he was right, I couldn't do that. That was my closure when I realized I only have control over one person, that person is "me", not "we".
It has been an amazing journey to find "me". No finger pointing, no blaming, just "me" and what I like and who I am.
You may still be too numb and too raw to understand this right now, but think back on this when you get to that point.
Always remember how strong you are. You can do whatever you set your mind to do.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think sometimes when you are in a relationship for that long, that it is hard to separate the "me" from the "we". I wanted to keep on blaming my ex for everything that was wrong in my life. It made me feel good because I wanted to blame the him part of it, the "we" part, and not focus on the "me" part. I don't even know if that makes any sense.
I wanted some kind of closure so bad. I wanted to know that he didn't blame me and that he knew that I did the best that I could, etc.... One day though, I woke up and I gave myself "closure". I was never going to get it from him. I needed to look deep inside myself and give it to myself. I had to make amends to myself for staying in a situation that I could not handle. I wasn't in that situation anymore, and what I needed to do was to live the rest of my life, the best that I could.
I think my ex told me more then enough that I cannot control him, or cure him, change him. I think I had to learn and accept that he was right, I couldn't do that. That was my closure when I realized I only have control over one person, that person is "me", not "we".
It has been an amazing journey to find "me". No finger pointing, no blaming, just "me" and what I like and who I am.
You may still be too numb and too raw to understand this right now, but think back on this when you get to that point.
Always remember how strong you are. You can do whatever you set your mind to do.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
he can't set your free, because he never had the keys to the cage.....YOU DID all along.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
V,
You have gotten some good advice. You need to work on you, your short comings, not his. Why him admitting his alcohlism to you or taking accountability for his actions, will make it better for you? Why do you need that? To say you are right and he is wrong? Sometimes in life we have to accept what is, not what we want. We all want our addicts to do what we want them to do, but it just doesn't work that way.
We need to accept them for who they are. That is truly what loving an addict is all about, acceptance. When I truly accepted my axh to be, who God wanted him to be, after 34 years, my life changed. Who says my way is the right way? Hang in there my friend, life will get better for you, I promise!!
You have gotten some good advice. You need to work on you, your short comings, not his. Why him admitting his alcohlism to you or taking accountability for his actions, will make it better for you? Why do you need that? To say you are right and he is wrong? Sometimes in life we have to accept what is, not what we want. We all want our addicts to do what we want them to do, but it just doesn't work that way.
We need to accept them for who they are. That is truly what loving an addict is all about, acceptance. When I truly accepted my axh to be, who God wanted him to be, after 34 years, my life changed. Who says my way is the right way? Hang in there my friend, life will get better for you, I promise!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
V, you have probably heard the saying, "Going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.". That pretty much describes trying to get closure from an active alcoholic. Heck, probably all of us have done some form of that. Back in my day I did many a lap around the pipes, fitting and bolts looking for that nice fresh healing loaf of bread. Never did find it there.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Keep doing the hard yards Viola. You are growing, he is becoming a 'hollow shell'. You will get to the point where you feel sorry for him.
I agree with the others that closure or acknowledgement will not come from him, but you can come to terms with that. Time is a great healer, and it's only been a few months. Try to relax a bit, and let what will happen develop naturally without expectations.
I agree with the others that closure or acknowledgement will not come from him, but you can come to terms with that. Time is a great healer, and it's only been a few months. Try to relax a bit, and let what will happen develop naturally without expectations.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I know exactly how I got into this situation and why I stayed so long. I come from a physically and verbally abusive home where I learned that I was responsible for everything good or bad that happened in my house. When I turned 18 I ran as far and as fast as I could. I was fearless on my own and confident and taking care of myself and then I was attacked by a stranger which just proved to my brain I couldn't really do anything right. I know I am worth so much more now, I know I am strong and I can't really control anything other than how I respond to life and how to move on. I know my AH will never admit to his alcoholism he carries too much shame for that. I just thought that since we had spent 22 years together he would at least have the balls to tell me he doesn't want to work on things. Thats really all I wanted but I guess there is too much shame for that as well. This situation pushes every button I have left. I'm working on it. My mom used to tell me that its better to live with hope than cynicism even if you constantly get knocked on your ass. Im tired of landing on my ass I guess. Thank you all for your support and your words of truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
V,
I get what you are saying, yes it would be nice to hear that "I'm sorry, I fxcked up". I think all of the spouses on this forum would love to hear that, and have our addict "really" mean it.
Last April 2 1/2 years post divorce, axh sent an email telling me that he missed me and the kids and still loved me. ugh!! Let me tell you, it tugged at the heart strings. I waited a couple days and reached out to him, against all the suggestions from my family on SR. (they wanted me to stay no contact)
I told him I would never allow addiction in my life again and I don't think I could ever trust him again. (He still couldn't recognize that this was a huge issue) So even with axh telling me he loved me and reaching out, it still wasn't "enough" for me. Even if he said I need help; it is a long way off before he would even be half way be the man I loved almost 40 years ago. I know we dream of what was, but even if we got the that sober person again, nothing would be the same.
Maybe one day, he will realize what he lost and will get his shxt together. You never know. I am sure he loved you very much and is very ashamed of what he has done with his life, most addicts are. You just need to be the strong confident women and not allow anything to get in your way of living your life to the fullest. Some days will be harder then others, but you keep coming back to SR, posting and working a program. It will sink in, be patient, it will happen for you.
I get what you are saying, yes it would be nice to hear that "I'm sorry, I fxcked up". I think all of the spouses on this forum would love to hear that, and have our addict "really" mean it.
Last April 2 1/2 years post divorce, axh sent an email telling me that he missed me and the kids and still loved me. ugh!! Let me tell you, it tugged at the heart strings. I waited a couple days and reached out to him, against all the suggestions from my family on SR. (they wanted me to stay no contact)
I told him I would never allow addiction in my life again and I don't think I could ever trust him again. (He still couldn't recognize that this was a huge issue) So even with axh telling me he loved me and reaching out, it still wasn't "enough" for me. Even if he said I need help; it is a long way off before he would even be half way be the man I loved almost 40 years ago. I know we dream of what was, but even if we got the that sober person again, nothing would be the same.
Maybe one day, he will realize what he lost and will get his shxt together. You never know. I am sure he loved you very much and is very ashamed of what he has done with his life, most addicts are. You just need to be the strong confident women and not allow anything to get in your way of living your life to the fullest. Some days will be harder then others, but you keep coming back to SR, posting and working a program. It will sink in, be patient, it will happen for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
A few people on this forum (sorry cant remember exactly who) have
recommended Louise Hay. I have listened to the first part of this
video, but find a lot of truth so far. You might want to listen
to the part about forgiveness that starts around 23:20- about
under the second "e" in experience. (((Hugs to you)))
sorry, if the link doesn't go to the right one, but its on you
tube entitled " experience your good now"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c9cBoT6-Mfc
recommended Louise Hay. I have listened to the first part of this
video, but find a lot of truth so far. You might want to listen
to the part about forgiveness that starts around 23:20- about
under the second "e" in experience. (((Hugs to you)))
sorry, if the link doesn't go to the right one, but its on you
tube entitled " experience your good now"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c9cBoT6-Mfc
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