ScaryTime

As soon as recovering AH and I spoke regarding the logistics of divorce, when he understood that’s where this may very well go; he called my step children (all adults) and told them. Two of them are letting us deal with our issues but one will not return my calls or texts. He also had his girlfriend text me that they were not coming to exchange Christmas gifts with my AH and I. My AH went to my step daughters with the presents and son was there and they sent the presents back home with AH.
I don’t know what to do. It seems that he is angry at me and o don’t know why. I sent a text msg on New Year’s Eve and he won’t respond. We are supposed to get together with the whole family the 13th (his step grandma (my mom), aunts and such) and he sent a text to my AH that he isn’t going to go. I don’t think my step daughter is going either.
I am crushed that this seems they want nothing to do with me and ay the same time I know that I cannot control any of their actions.
I am very angry and hurt that my AH even brought them into this at this point as we should have talked to them together, he said he was sorry; but it seems the damage has been done and now my worst fear that I am going to lose my entire family because of this is coming true.
Then my mom, who is also an A and co dependent (to my A father) barely has spoken to me since I told her what was going on, texts me out of the blue saying her six month doc appointment is on the 25th. I usually take her and I don’t want to take her. I am just frustrated, hurt and, and, and.
At the same time I know I have no control over any of my family, I also just don’t understand what the he11 I did to be treated this way and ignored.
Do I try to reach out to my step son again? What do I tell my mom? I am trying SO hard not to control (or attempt to) but why does Everything seem to be swinging around and I am the one to get hurt???

atalose

Is this the same stepson who was exhibiting alcoholic tendencies just like his father? Living like a hoarder with a mentally ill girlfriend and you and his sister were going to try and get his 8 year old removed from that situation?

ScaryTime

No, it is the youngest son.

biminiblue

Ya know, when people split up usually blood goes with blood. If he thinks you are splitting up of course he's going to go to his kids and tell his side first.

Whoever tells first wins, too.

I had to accept that I lost all my husband's family too. They were my only family, too. I still had to do it. It was hard, but I understood that they would stick together and I was not about to stay in a marriage just to have people in town to talk to.

I had to rebuild. You can too.

Start looking for healthy friends and acquaintances and don't share every detail of your pain with them - that's what Al Anon is for. I think just pick up a couple interests, like painting or bird watching or whatever you have an interest in and you'll meet people.

Bekindalways

This sounds so painful Scarytime. Unfortunately it doesn't seem outside of normal. Also if the family members are entrenched in the dysfunction, then you are upsetting the apple cart.

Take the next right step whatever that is, take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.

rae145

Hi Scary,
After my way too long marriage was over, my exa's family had nothing to do or say to me. If they post pics of the past they dont identify me. I knew these people for over 30 years. I was very hurt but not no more! It just takes lots of time that wont hurry the hell up.
Ha two of my sisters were at a funeral and unbeknowest to two of my ex sis in laws (these divas are always late) they sat down next to my sisters. Omg my sister told me they shot out of there after the service.

atalose

I agree, blood goes with blood, right or wrong sadly, that is often what happens. Try not to fall into that “people pleasing mode” trying to figure him out or get him to like you or explain anything to you. This behavior is hurtful to you and unacceptable that is all that matters right now. Meaning, no, do not attempt to contact him again.

Ladybird579

My exah told my kids we were divorcing and to pick a side while I was out of town on the same day we had discussed briefly on the phone the possibility we would finalise separation. I got home to a complete stitch up. They'd even decided who was having which cat. 3 of my dd's, who are not even his, said they were going with him. They've never spoken to me since that day, even tho we lived in the same house for a further 3 months, except to have a family meeting in which I was shouted at by them for 3.5 hours. Noone ever did go with ex but he went to the same town as them briefly. Now noone speaks to him and 4 out of 8 of my kids speak to me. It would be 5 but one is scared of repercussions from the ones that bully him if he does. They ignored me at my mother deathbed, her funeral and I've a grandson Ive never seen. And do you know what? I've still no idea why and nor does anyone else know why. They are now being nasty to my two sons who do not deserve it. I've moved on from it now but it hurt a lot at the time.

ScaryTime

Too late atalose, :-(
I sent both my step daughter and son a msg seeing if they would come open presents on Saturday. They both said they would be here. Now reading the responses hoping I didn’t set myself up for something. I just love all of them so much. But you are right his behavior is unacceptable and I shouldn’t have fallen to the people pleasing mode... but there was always a chance that they didn’t want to be here while my other step son was here (he is the one with the 8 year old).
My gosh I was even considering that it wouldn’t be so bad to stay. That would be a dreadful decision.
Thank you for all of the responses. It helped a lot. I know it would be not the right thing for me to stick with this marriage. It just seems like every time I think I am going to be okay, something happens to rip the bandaid off and I feel raw again!
This is hell!
But right now I’m happy that they are coming Saturday... and I get to see my other grandbabies. :-) just hope i won’t be attacked for anything, I just want to spend time with my kids...

Bekindalways

I hope it goes well Scarytime. Even though there are similarities dealing with alcoholism and dysfunction, every family is unique so it may well be fine.

Hug to you

AnvilheadII

remember that EVERYONE is allowed to feel what they feel, react as they choose to react, and make decisions based on what THEY think is best. and when couples split up or plan to split up, people do take sides.....which is their choice.

your AH had every "right" to tell his own kids what he wanted to tell them....even if his motives were impure. as a parent myself, i reserve the right to share with my child (adult, 34) what i want and when i want. and i dare ANYONE to tell me different!

break ups are tough. it's still early days. word is getting out. people will react. immediate reactions may temper and change over time.

don't make this a competition. don't keep a tally of who is on which team. let others work thru this as THEY see fit.

maia1234

No its not easy in divorce. Usually his family stays with him, and yours go with you. Ugh... not easy but it is life.

Lower your expectations for this party . It might not go as smoothly as you will like. If you don't expect perfection then you will have a good time. Time with family is always challenging with divorce or not.

I think you need to visit alanon having an addict husband and mother. Double wammy. Hugs, I hope all goes well.

ScaryTime

I get it, I really do. They are my kids too. I have been in their lives longer than I haven’t been... I am not trying to force feelings for anyone or make it a competition.

I was venting on how much it hurts.

Hopefully all goes well Saturday, I have no expectations.

ScaryTime

Agreed about al anon. Have been going to a meetin every Saturday and want to start attending the topic meetings on Monday.
Thanks for the support. I have no expectations other than to enjoy my grandbabies and kids.