Walking a delicate line re: divorce

Old 01-03-2018, 07:40 AM
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Walking a delicate line re: divorce

So, it's been almost 6 weeks since I left. And we finally discussed what's going to happen (divorce) in starker terms than either of us was willing to before. I think he is actually starting to "get it" to some extent, and I am really glad for him if so, but it doesn't change anything for me.

Right now, I am trying to stay on my own path but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't considering the impact of my actions on him before I do anything re: actually filing for divorce. I know I need to let go and let him feel his own feelings about it, and that I am not responsible for those feelings, but it's easier said than done.

I feel strongly that I want to get this over with and behind me so I can move on with my life, but there's still a sliver of me that fears the judgment that may come from some people. I am able to work myself out of that feeling each time I feel it, so I know that's progress, but I still feel weaker than I'd like to feel in this regard.

In our state, if he agrees, then filing for a no fault divorce can be very easy. We share no children, no real estate, just the stuff in our apartment and our cats (which I have resigned myself to allowing him to keep, at least for the foreseeable future). I have a legal background and already sat down and drew up most of the papers just so I could feel like I was doing something about it and not just letting it hang over my head.

For those who have divorced or are in process, I would love to hear about how you handled it and your experience if you are willing to share. I was divorced from my first husband (married very young due to pregnancy, it was an enormous mistake) but the circumstances were very different and I handled it very poorly (he cheated, I freaked out, etc). I am committed to, at least for myself, handling this as well as possible.
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Old 01-03-2018, 07:44 AM
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I think that if other people start to question you about it, just deflect.

It's really none of their business, and they will never understand - they weren't in it day after day. You can't do anything about their internal judgements. I like the AA/Al Anon saying, "What people think about me is none of my business."

One day at a time, you'll get through it.
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Old 01-03-2018, 08:04 AM
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Hi, glenl.
Just keep moving forward and all will be well.
Peace.
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Old 01-03-2018, 08:36 AM
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For those who have divorced or are in process, I would love to hear about how you handled it and your experience if you are willing to share.

I was separated but in the same house with my exah for a few years. I wouldn't recommend it as it was a terrible time for our kids and both of us. By the time we actually split to separate places it was open warfare. I assumed he would handle things well but he never. Be aware that once the gloves are off your ex may do things and say things you never imagined. Mine manipulated the situation to his own ends, alienated some of my adult daughters, and ended up with everything, including the marital home I had bought outright before I even met him, so I'd say get a very good lawyer and assume ex will be hostile even if he isn't. Please do not let him keep the cats. I did this and my ex nearly starved them to death. My daughter and I had to go in and retrieve them when he was passed out drunk. Fortunately she still had a key to the house but if she hadn't I'd have had no way of rescuing them or even knowing they were not being cared for. He didn't notice they were missing for a month. I handled it by walking away but in retrospect I wish I'd fought harder for what was rightfully mine. He sold the marital home and used all the spare equity on drink and endless rehabs that haven't worked. I have two adult sons living with me in rented and one is severally autistic and he has no security at all now. My own health isn't great and I am getting on a bit so unlikely to met anyone else..not that am intersted tbh.

Try not to worry how things impact him cos believe me he isn't going to care how they impact you.
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Old 01-03-2018, 08:38 AM
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There will be people who disagree. Some of those will be people you love, and that will hurt. However, you cannot control that. Only how you react. Keep yourself as a class act. Don't engage. Just remember, they are not the ones who walked in your shoes, and therefore have zero right to judge.

Big hugs. You can do this.
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Old 01-03-2018, 08:52 AM
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Ladybird, I appreciate your perspective. There's nothing for him to take from me other than what's still in the apartment (none of which has any meaning to me, it's just stuff). No house, my car's about to die any minute now so I'll be buying a new one in my own name. I really don't have any money for a lawyer - and that's a fact, not a feeling. We have no savings, no retirement funds I can draw on, no family I can borrow from, etc. I work part time and drive a car with 278K miles on it (the life of a musician!).
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Old 01-03-2018, 10:33 AM
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glenl,

I haven't divorced, yet through prayer, meditation, counseling and therapy I've been walked through through most of the process. I've let go of my marriage in many healthy ways. I no longer fear the process, my husband's reactions, other people's reactions or being divorced. I've lived in separate cities from my husband for more than two years, with a brief period early in that where I was back in the chaos and found more strength within me to leave again.

I now see all these things as GOOD that have opened me up, strengthened me and have pushed me towards HEALING beyond anything I was able to know, that I so greatly needed.

So...

I approach this the way I do anything now:

1. Prayer
2. Connecting with healthy people who are experienced with similar situations
3. Trusting my gut, my instincts
4. Keeping a body awareness of how I'm feeling and letting my brain have a rest. My brain often lives in logic and fear. The heart and gut lead me into much better places.

Take things one day at a time. As the small things are taken care of, so is the big picture. Take care of your daily FREEDOM, JOY, and RECOVERY. (((Hugs)))
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Old 01-03-2018, 03:13 PM
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You are doing it the right way. No assets, nothing to really fight over. Stuff doesn't have all that much value in the scheme of things.

I have been divorced once. My ex during the whole process said and did things that made me out to be the horrid monster. So what. Don't take your eye off the ball. She tried everything in the book for 3 years to try and make the facts different. In the end nothing was ever going to be true in front of the judge. She knew it. But she had an attorney that convinced here that she was gonna get it all from me.

She got nothing. The courts lowered the boom on her. She was told to leave the house within 24 hours and she could only take what she could fit in her car. It was a little car.

For years I simply wrote off any friends we had together. The stories she tole were amazing, far reaching and all over the place. Until about a year or so ago. Oddly 2 couples that we knew for years who didn't know each other and were nowhere near me or each other, reached out to me and said that even after the divorce she continued to try and trash me. They finally came to the conclusion that she was the one that getting overzealous about things.

They have since apologized profusely for ever taking her side and feel horrible about it. I forgave them. But that doesn't mean things will ever be the same. I mean I can forgive that they were lied to, but many years have passed now and I survived without them and moved on in life.

Get him behind you as quickly and cleanly as you can. Don't fight over stuff. It wouldn't be long and you wouldn't want it anyway.

People are going to judge. If you stayed with him they judge, if you leave him they judge. You have to live with you, no one else.

I never had a problem looking in the mirror and questioning if I felt remorse for my choice or question my integrity in the process.
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Old 01-04-2018, 04:48 AM
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Hi Glenl,

I had very similar feelings to you prior to filing for divorce. One of the things that kept me hanging on for so long in my marriage was my fear of what the divorce would do to him in terms of his drinking. I have been in Al Anon for 7+ years and though there are so many things from Al Anon that I internalized, "what other people think of me is none of my business," I still could not get past that fear. Logically I knew his choices were his alone, that I didn't cause it and can't control it, but I always felt as if IT was hanging over my head.

I came to many realizations in 2017, the main one being that I no longer wanted to allow his drinking/relapses to control MY life. I felt as if I was being held hostage emotionally. I guess I had really internalized all the times I was told "I drank because you......" He was going to drink regardless and I was just an easy excuse.

I also live in a state where the whole process can go rather quickly. I filed a joint petition for divorce with no minor children on December 19 (he had already signed the paperwork) and it was all done on December 29. Was I nervous/scared/anxious? Absolutely. However, when I saw it was a done deal on the 29th, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. I was no longer legally or financially on the hook for any of his poor choices.

We have no debt (huge blessing) and the only thing left to take care of is the house. We agreed that since I am the one who has been making the payments, I should stay. I will be having him sign the quit claim, then presenting that and the divorce decree to the mortgage company. He knows that when I do eventually sell, I will be fair and give him his share of the proceeds. Now it is time to change the locks.

I have told very few people about the divorce and the fact that it is final. Those I have told were happy for me and were relieved on my behalf. Those that would choose to judge me, his side of the family, haven't been as up close and personal to his drinking and behaviors, and frankly, not my problem if they don't like my decision.

Hope that helps. I wish you all the best on your decision.

Smiley1
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Old 01-04-2018, 05:40 AM
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Hi glenl,
Yes that fear of divorce resonates with me as well. I am getting more able to look at it and face it everyday however.
Keep moving forward for yourself and your life.
Hugs to you!
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Old 01-04-2018, 07:49 AM
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The court here just issued a judgement on my divorce, exactly the way we drew it up, and it will be final 2/11.

We had a very amicable agreement and are not fighting over property or assets. It sounds like you could have the same arrangement.

I have known people who fought over property for years. This is always a nightmare.

Good luck to you!!!
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche View Post
The court here just issued a judgement on my divorce, exactly the way we drew it up, and it will be final 2/11.

We had a very amicable agreement and are not fighting over property or assets. It sounds like you could have the same arrangement.

I have known people who fought over property for years. This is always a nightmare.

Good luck to you!!!
So far, so as good as possible. We've been calmly negotiating about the remaining items in the apartment and have come up with what seems like a fair division (insofar as I care, which is minimal - I've been on a downsizing mission for months knowing this was probably coming eventually) and so far there's nothing that we are arguing about.

Yes, he still says, "I wish you would reconsider," which I have stopped responding to because I have said my piece and told him what I need.


I don't want to keep waiting and I am really grateful for all of your messages in this thread - I too am struggling with "what other people think of me is none of my business" but I know I need to let it go.
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:55 AM
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Hi Glenl,

One of the more significant (and to be honest, shocking) revelations in my journey is that the universe isn't all that concerned about my life choices. The weight of those things was 99% in my head. Should you ever be queried, a simple "I did what I felt was best" is more than sufficient. As to those few for whom that response is inadequate: they are more concerned about stirring the pot than your well being... treat them as such.

You are exactly where you should be in this process. Trust that it will all work out as it should when it should.
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Old 01-04-2018, 10:46 PM
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I actually filed for divorce twice, and both divorces timed out before they were finalized. During my 2nd attempt to divorce, I hid my relationship status on Facebook-I did not want anyone to know if I married or single. I took my engagement ring and wedding band off and eventually sold them for a small amount of money (I just wanted someone else to have those rings-I was too sad about what those rings represented). I kept the divorce private with my close friends and relatives and occasionally shared with other people. My plan was to keep my married last name. I mean it just was not something that I wanted shouted out to everyone in the galaxy (especially on Facebook). It felt like a failure. I have seen my friends on Facebook come out that they are now single and normally it is gradually and when they are ready. Divorcecare at a local church helped me a lot with having a supportive group.
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Old 01-05-2018, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by PrettyViolets View Post
I actually filed for divorce twice, and both divorces timed out before they were finalized. During my 2nd attempt to divorce, I hid my relationship status on Facebook-I did not want anyone to know if I married or single. I took my engagement ring and wedding band off and eventually sold them for a small amount of money (I just wanted someone else to have those rings-I was too sad about what those rings represented). I kept the divorce private with my close friends and relatives and occasionally shared with other people. My plan was to keep my married last name. I mean it just was not something that I wanted shouted out to everyone in the galaxy (especially on Facebook). It felt like a failure. I have seen my friends on Facebook come out that they are now single and normally it is gradually and when they are ready. Divorcecare at a local church helped me a lot with having a supportive group.
I appreciate you sharing this experience - I've been handling it basically the same and have been trying not to judge myself for however I decide to deal with it. I've told a few very close friends and my brother what is happening, and I changed things on FB (but not to "divorced" or "single" or any of that, just not disclosed) and I did remove his family members as friends because I felt keeping them on there could only result in either drama or me feeling uncomfortable interacting with my actual friends in a real way.

I would rather just have it over with and not make some big pronouncement - those who really need to know will know because they know me and they have ongoing relationships with me.

A friend of my AH posted a bit thing on FB a few months ago when he and his wife separated and really it was fine but it made me uncomfortable somehow. Like it was too raw and vulnerable a thing to be shared with your several-hundred-closest-"friends" if that makes sense.
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