I don’t know what to do anymore
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
I don’t know what to do anymore
Hi everyone. This is my first post. I don’t know what to do. My husband has had a drinking problem virtually our whole relationship. I was 18 when we started dating and he was 21, so drinking was the norm. I never thought much of it, he would drink a few times a week, sometimes to excess but nothing crazy. We have been together now 10 1/2 years, 8 of which he has been drinking every single day, 10-12 beers a night, sometimes more. I once watch him drink an 18 case of miller lite in 2 hours and proceed to pass out while we were at a friends house.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I love him, but I can’t take this behavior anymore. I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
His drinking has been the reason for many of our fights and marital issues. He has tried to cut down and had maybe 3 nights out of the last 8 years when he didn’t drink at all. He decided with the new year to quit all together as his resolution. It’s been 2 days and I already can’t stand to be around him. Last night wasn’t bad...We had a pretty nice evening, but he didn’t get much sleep. He tossed and turned all night and when I got home this afternoon from work he was such a jerk. He has been cold with me all day and I asked if I had done something, he snapped at me that I didn’t do anything. He said hes never going to be happy and he’s never going to sleep without drinking. I asked if I could to anything and he replied by yelling at me to leave him alone.
He has always had a bad temper and that along with his drinking it has never been a good combination. He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive. I’m so happy he has the desire to quit drinking, but he has no insurance to get the help he needs and wants. I know it’s only been 2 days, but I have BPD and a huge amount of my own issues and him ignoring me and not wanting me around is destoying me. How do you approach your loved ones or talk to them when they are like this? Or do you just leave them alone indefinitely until they decide they want to talk to you? I love him, but I can’t take this behavior anymore. I would love all the advice I could get. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Welcome Delany. I'm glad you found us and hope you find lots of support here.
I left my qualifier (qualifier = the alcoholic/addict with whom I was involved) before he got sober so never was around him at this point. I've heard lots of people say the first year of sobriety for an Alcoholic is hell on the entire family.
You might look into an Alanon group for yourself as no matter how this year goes you will need lots of outside support and you won't get it from your husband. Also look for the book Codependent No More; it is a bit of a bible around here
I left my qualifier (qualifier = the alcoholic/addict with whom I was involved) before he got sober so never was around him at this point. I've heard lots of people say the first year of sobriety for an Alcoholic is hell on the entire family.
You might look into an Alanon group for yourself as no matter how this year goes you will need lots of outside support and you won't get it from your husband. Also look for the book Codependent No More; it is a bit of a bible around here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Angrymarble 
I’m fairly new here so not the best person to give advice but I think he should be medically supervised during his detox.
My H felt terrible when he detoxed and it made me nervous go be around.
My H felt terrible when he detoxed and it made me nervous go be around.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Welcome Delany. I'm glad you found us and hope you find lots of support here.
I left my qualifier (qualifier = the alcoholic/addict with whom I was involved) before he got sober so never was around him at this point. I've heard lots of people say the first year of sobriety for an Alcoholic is hell on the entire family.
You might look into an Alanon group for yourself as no matter how this year goes you will need lots of outside support and you won't get it from your husband. Also look for the book Codependent No More; it is a bit of a bible around here
I left my qualifier (qualifier = the alcoholic/addict with whom I was involved) before he got sober so never was around him at this point. I've heard lots of people say the first year of sobriety for an Alcoholic is hell on the entire family.
You might look into an Alanon group for yourself as no matter how this year goes you will need lots of outside support and you won't get it from your husband. Also look for the book Codependent No More; it is a bit of a bible around here
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive.
this is a violent and abusive man. drunk or sober. what IS there to support?
he is unemployed.
your finances are strained.
he has only NOT been drinking for two days.
he refuses any help.
perhaps......you could look at this from another angle. what do YOU need? what support could YOU use? what if you begin to accept he is not ready or willing to get SOBER for life?
this is a violent and abusive man. drunk or sober. what IS there to support?
he is unemployed.
your finances are strained.
he has only NOT been drinking for two days.
he refuses any help.
perhaps......you could look at this from another angle. what do YOU need? what support could YOU use? what if you begin to accept he is not ready or willing to get SOBER for life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
He’s broken his hand punching the wall next to my head, thrown things and verbally abused me more times than I can count, but now even without alcohol he’s being just as mean to me as he is when he drinks. I don’t know how to be supportive.
this is a violent and abusive man. drunk or sober. what IS there to support?
he is unemployed.
your finances are strained.
he has only NOT been drinking for two days.
he refuses any help.
perhaps......you could look at this from another angle. what do YOU need? what support could YOU use? what if you begin to accept he is not ready or willing to get SOBER for life?
this is a violent and abusive man. drunk or sober. what IS there to support?
he is unemployed.
your finances are strained.
he has only NOT been drinking for two days.
he refuses any help.
perhaps......you could look at this from another angle. what do YOU need? what support could YOU use? what if you begin to accept he is not ready or willing to get SOBER for life?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Delany, sorry about the situation you are in.
I can understand how this sudden switch must be terribly upsetting for you. Living with an active addict in all that - dysfunction - is, for you (I imagine) at least manageable in that you have been together so long you know what to expect. It's a norm, not a fairy tale, but a norm.
Suddenly you find someone lashing out at you because of a choice he made to get sober without any support. Terrible situation to be in.
Absolutely you should look our for yourself and get support for yourself. His recovery is his.
Take care and keep posting
I can understand how this sudden switch must be terribly upsetting for you. Living with an active addict in all that - dysfunction - is, for you (I imagine) at least manageable in that you have been together so long you know what to expect. It's a norm, not a fairy tale, but a norm.
Suddenly you find someone lashing out at you because of a choice he made to get sober without any support. Terrible situation to be in.
Absolutely you should look our for yourself and get support for yourself. His recovery is his.
Take care and keep posting
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Delaney.....I suggest that you call the Domestic Violence Hotline....I am giving you the following number. They will help you to connect with your local organization. You would qualify, based on what you have told us...you don't have to be hit to qualify for help. There are lots of forms of abuse, besides being hit....
I do think that you are in an abusive situation...even though you may have never thought of it that way....
the DV people will keep everything strictly confidential....and they are good to talk to. They will not require you to do anything that you don't want to...but, they will help you in any way that they can. They have lots of resources at their disposal that many people are not aware of. They can steer you to the proper counselors and they have support groups that you could attend...They can also help you to stay safe...and can offer a safe place to go, if you should need it....
Their only goal is to help and they are not judgemental...
If your husband has always had a bad temper...that is a red flag that he may well have some deep seated problems, in addition to the alcoholism....
You really do need to begin to think of caring for your self....a person can completely lose themselves while living with an alcoholic and/or an abusive situation.
You deserve more....
Yes, do read "Co-dependent No More"....I think a lot will resonate with you...
You are not alone. There IS help and there are other options....
the number to the Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
I think you will find them to be very nice and understanding....
I do think that you are in an abusive situation...even though you may have never thought of it that way....
the DV people will keep everything strictly confidential....and they are good to talk to. They will not require you to do anything that you don't want to...but, they will help you in any way that they can. They have lots of resources at their disposal that many people are not aware of. They can steer you to the proper counselors and they have support groups that you could attend...They can also help you to stay safe...and can offer a safe place to go, if you should need it....
Their only goal is to help and they are not judgemental...
If your husband has always had a bad temper...that is a red flag that he may well have some deep seated problems, in addition to the alcoholism....
You really do need to begin to think of caring for your self....a person can completely lose themselves while living with an alcoholic and/or an abusive situation.
You deserve more....
Yes, do read "Co-dependent No More"....I think a lot will resonate with you...
You are not alone. There IS help and there are other options....
the number to the Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233.
I think you will find them to be very nice and understanding....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Punching the wall next to your head is intimidation and abuse. What is he communicating to you when he does that? That your face is next?
I don't know how practical this is, but is there anywhere you can stay while this is going on? I have a feeling he hold out long as he has no support and has been drinking hard for years, but even if he does go back to drinking what does that mean for you? Is this your long term future?
It's good that he's trying to stop drinking, but you are not there for him to take out his feelings on. That's just not fair to you.
I don't know how practical this is, but is there anywhere you can stay while this is going on? I have a feeling he hold out long as he has no support and has been drinking hard for years, but even if he does go back to drinking what does that mean for you? Is this your long term future?
It's good that he's trying to stop drinking, but you are not there for him to take out his feelings on. That's just not fair to you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Maybe check into free programs. Salvation Army or Teen Challenge. If he is unemployed now would be an ideal time for him to get the help he needs.
Please take care of yourself and be aware there is free counseling for you out there that is confidential and non judgemental. For anyone who has experienced emotional or physical abuse.
Sending a big hug. Keep posting, you are not alone.
Please take care of yourself and be aware there is free counseling for you out there that is confidential and non judgemental. For anyone who has experienced emotional or physical abuse.
Sending a big hug. Keep posting, you are not alone.
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