darthsnukums

Since leaving, I've been thinking a lot about everything that's happened, and how I got where I am now. I am feeling confused about my interpretations of events and my judgement. I mean, my judgement was bad then... is it bad now? I am remembering some small details which could have been red flags that I missed. I don't think that I'm a bad person, but obviously something isn't quite right with me to have drawn this into my life, and to have accepted it. It's also making me really wonder if I'm over analysing things now, or.... arrgh.

I left and I've been staying with family. AH has been visiting to see the baby and take the tot on play-dates (and by visit, I mean he stands in the garage beside the garbage can for 5 minutes because he is NOT allowed in the house). Ever since bailing on the agreement of us doing counselling, he's been acting like nothing about this is weird or out of the ordinary... well, except that he's talking to me kindly and respectfully (which, honestly, is weirding me out even more). I just mean it's like he's oblivious or something. No talking about how to fix this limbo we are in, or what to do, etc. It's like talking to a neighbour who stopped by to ask to borrow a screwdriver or something.

Anyway, the other day I open the garage door for him, and he comes in all sullen and he's like "I've got some bad news.... So-and-so is sick". And then gives me this story of this friend from his group, and tests, and it might be *this*, and it might turn into *that*, and it could have spread *here*.... and I'm starting to have thoughts about hitting him in the face with the lid of the garbage can or something (though I can't, because he's holding the baby). In the last decade, I may have seen and spoken to So-and-so 3 times? Not my friend; I only know him because AH knows him. And I'm thinking "You A**H***! I have NOTHING, I'm trying to take care of my babies in someone else's house, living in a room and us all sleeping in the same bed, my life is totally upside down while you live the bachelor life in our house and whose only parental responsibilities is arranging play-dates.... and the bad health choices your friend made and their result is what has you so distraught?!?!" Then I'm like "Snukums, you're being a B****; So-and-so is a decent guy and he didn't make AH do the stuff he did. You should have compassion for him - it's not like he TRIED to get *this* and *that*..."- and then the baby s*** themself and is suddenly back in my arms, snapping me back to reality, and AH is skipping off with the tot into the sunset- er, you know what I mean. Have I become cold and cruel? Self-absorbed?

And then the in-laws contact me, asking to see the baby. I tell them I'll visit, but if AH is there, I'm leaving. They say of course, they aren't taking sides, etc. They aren't going to get involved, they know their son "isn't perfect... quack quack.... and time heals all wounds" and I'm thinking, Okay that's fine an- wait what?? That felt... dismissive. He's subtly trying to tell me to go back.. or am I being over-sensitive? I feel paranoid and ask a family member to come with me. I get the vibe that I'm about to walk into some sort of F****D-UP INTERVENTION or something.

We get there and FIL is waiting outside to help me with the babies, sees my family, and disappears into the house. We go inside, and tot is smoothly guided into the den where his toys and cartoons are and I hear my family member speaking with FIL about something (I find out later FIL was asking about how it was going, and became uncomfortable finding out about how at the time babies and I were all sleeping in one bed while my family members were sleeping on cots to accomodate us, while AH had the house to himself and was making no move to resolve anything or do anything to help the kidlets).

Anyway, FIL leaves to go *play* with tot (hide), and cue long, uncomfortable silence in the living room, while baby snores away. Several attempts at small talk go nowhere and I'm thinking "why do they want us here?" My eye catches an overturned book on the coffee table - How Al-Anon Works. I estimate that the book was open at the chapter for Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness. I have NEVER seen her with that book. She is always reading from Courage to Change or One Day at a Time.

We'll take a quick break from this regularly-scheduled rant to bring you a word from our sponsors. My ILs, in my opinion, are the most dysfunctional couple I have ever seen who are still together and have not made any attempt to take the other out. They have each been in their respective programs for like, 50 years, but you wouldn't know it. He constantly yells, insults and degrades her, and she responds with passive-aggressive behaviour or sabotaging situations. Really uncomfortable.

So yeah, I see the book and am thinking "Yep... we just f****d-up your f****d-up intervention". Riiiight... AH is talking about almost losing control and punching people out at work, throwing the (empty) play pen, walking around the house muttering and arguing with himself, but the problem is that I should just not take it personally and LOVE HIM MORE? He abuses me because I'm not in Al-Anon? I don't let on that I saw the book, and she doesn't let on that she knows I saw the book, and I don't let on that I know that she knows that I saw the book, and she doesn't- you get it. More uncomfortable silence broken by snores and diaper-muffled farts until baby wakes up. Then a couple of pictures, and outta there ASAP.

Am I being paranoid? Am I not giving people proper benefit of the doubt and just attributing negative intentions to people that really don't belong there? Am I (unintentionally) being too snotty towards Al-Anon? (With these kind of put-downs, when my only experience is really the few people I've encountered in it rather than any experience with the actual program itself?) Is it really even something to consider, as AH's issues seem more psychiatric rather than pertaining to addiction? Am I just losing it?

amy55

Snukums, I think you wrote your answer to all of this.

If you aren't feeling comfortable with someone, and not sure if you love them, then why would you consider spending your life with them. Is it because other people are trying to tell you what you should feel, or want?

What do you want?

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

darthsnukums

I guess what I have a problem with, is if I have become a bad person. Is there now something broken in me? Am I wrong with seeing bad intentions in people instead of being more neutral, being more concerned about someone being a s***head, rather than someone being really sick, etc.

And more selfishly, does this mean I'm doomed to continue to draw in more crappy people?

amy55

I don't think you are a bad person for looking after yourself and your children. I think your children need you to give them the best life that you can give them. I think sometimes we get so involved with seeing or trying to see someone else's side, that we ignore our own well being. I think they call that co-dependent.

IDK, the life that you have already spent with your H, do you see that getting better? I think you know that it will get worse. Do you want to sacrifice yourself and your children for a person that will do nothing to make his life better or the life that you spend with him any better?

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

amy55

I just know that when I was in the situation that I was in, that I tried to make "lite" of the situation. I used humor, because if I didn't I would have just fell apart. I just remember my friend saying to me, I believe you, because no one could make up the sh!t that you just told me. Just know, I believe you.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

ScaryTime

There is nothing wrong with you or your thoughts of looking out for yourself and your children.
I too am having the same self-doubt thoughts. Just remember that you are not defined by what your ILs think or their actions. YOU know what the deal is and I believe you. It isn’t easy and it sounds like the blame is being put all on you with the situation. It is all right to be angry, sad, disappointed. The important thing is that you are moving forward with yourself and your children.
Hugs to you, and hoping for peace for you!

TropicalWinter

This is what OUR recovery is for - to grow to be able to find a wise balance and an intuition about when to give people the benefit of the doubt and when to know that they're just a$$holes.

I know for me, my upbringing combined with being with an alcoholic for 17 years left me with no real sense of a mentally/emotionally healthy way to live. Part of my recovery process is about learning how to listen to my instincts, building my sense of self worth so I don't attract more crappy people.

This is why I personally am taking things SO SLOW regarding building my new life, both with new friends and dating. I know I'm not ready to date, so I'm not even going there. I'm slowly letting people into my inner circle as time goes on and they show themselves to be safe people for me.

mylifeismine

I do not think you are a mean or crappy person at all. I think you
are truly "waking up" to all the dysfunction and lack of awareness
some people wish to live their lives in.

You are understandably angry with what you are going through-
made worse by people who will not and probably can not now-
or ever- grasp the depth of how crazy it seems.

Seems to me you are very bright, witty, a d--m good writer,
and you have seen the writing on the wall so to speak. Don't
expect them to see it though. Your true blessing is that
you see it so well and so young. Al anon would be very
helpful if you could find the right meeting for you where
you could find people who do get it. Many people say
journaling has helped them a great deal and since you
are such a talented writer, that seems a great tool for
you.

The thing with Alanon is some meetings have a majority
of folks who detach and stay in the relationship
permanently. I don't believe detachment is meant
to be a permanent solution, but an opportunity to
step back and clearly evaluate things.


It's a rare individual that grows up in such a dysfunctional
home yet matures into a loving caring person. Not easy to
do-takes years of hard work, learning, effort. Many on
here have been down that road (me too) and the rewards
are great, but most stay in their comfort zone of addiction,
enabling, and dysfunction.

Maudcat

Could be attorney time, snukums.

mylifeismine

Just read another post of yours..... have you checked out this site?

Toolbox ? Out of the FOG

hopeful4

Get an attorney and get rights to stay in the home during divorce. That is nuts.

This is crazy friend. You and your children deserve so much more.

dandylion

darth.....Reading your p ost....these are my first reactions---
First of all...yes, I do think you are over analyzing yourself....and need to take a few steps back from that....
Second----I suspect, that, somewhere, along the way...you have had your own self esteem and self confidence eroded....to the point that you do n ot trust your own feelings and emotions....And, I an guessing that this began even before you met your husband...like, in your growing up years---and being with your husband has just brought it into stark relief....
third---your husband is quacking like a gaggle of geese, with the rattling on about his friend's health issue...He is trying to tap into your pool of compassion and soften you up...He knows where your hot buttons are (compassion buttons, in this instance). and wanting to reap the benefits for himself....A very transparent manipulation, on his part.....
Forth---I suggest that you might want to order the "Big Book" from Adult Children of Alcoholics....it is not just for children of alcoholics, but, also, for anyone who has grown up in any dysfunctional situation.....it might be more specific to your situation than alanon, just now....(not k nocking alanon).......
Fifth....it would help if you took a piece of paper and wrote down the main reason(s) that you are living at your parent's house...why it became necessary, in the first place. Read it every time you start doubting yourself...even if you have to do it a dozen times per day...lol...

I am, also, giving you the following link to a website that might help you to organize your thoughts. It is for educational purposes and to help you know what questions to ask a lawyer...you need to know your...and his...rights....

www.womansdivorce.com

Sasha1972

You are angry (with reason) and anxious about the future (with reason), and this is spilling into your perceptions and interactions such as with your in-laws. This doesn't mean you have fundamentally changed as a person, it means you are reacting emotionally to an extremely stressful and painful situation, and the emotions aren't easily kept within bounds. Your husband has effectively checked out of parenting, and that is not going to put you in a warm and open frame of mind. That is normal.

I think that once you've reached a new equilibrium, as you move forward without him, and once you are living a saner life with alcoholism kept at more of a distance, you'll find you like yourself more. I do NOT think you're losing it or turning into some sort of whacked-out paranoiac.

I do agree that this might be a good time to see a lawyer to determine your rights to remain in your home.

Hangnbyathread

My XAGF did everything she could to make sure I looked bad and she didn't. You finally decide to think its must be so.

This will pass in time after you are away. I felt like crap towards the end of our relationship. In a lot of ways. One of which was thinking I was a bad person. They are master manipulators.

You will return to your old self. It just takes time.

trailmix

I get what you are saying. I am, or was, quite a decisive person. Not to say I wouldn't take other opinions in to account but I would take what I wanted and leave the rest.

There was a time when I kind of got lost. Once I started to come back from that I had a really hard time determining when my judgement was good. I don't mean in any huge way as in, the truck has a flat tire should I drive it anyway?? I mean in the way you are speaking of. Was my perception correct, was I reading this or that situation correctly?

In some cases, according to people I trust, I was off base a bit, in some cases I wasn't.

Again, I still had to take what I wanted and leave the rest, but it was great to have someone to bounce this stuff off of (family member).

It's great that you posted your thoughts here. It's great that you are using your mind to look at things critically now and not just trying to smooth things over (i'm guessing that might have been what you have done before and for instance in the case of the books thought - oh well they are just trying to help!).

PrettyViolets

If you ever do choose to go to Al-Anon, it should be your choice. I found it to be a good place just to hear my voice and hear other people's voice. I did not feel alone. Ya know, people at Al-Anon are not just chomping on popcorn. It is very real and personal to them. I went to one meeting that was in the morning and then we would go out to breakfast afterwards. The other meeting that I went in another neighborhood was at night. I just remember it being dark and hearing all of our voices. It was very calming. It was like we were taking off our masks. No regrets, it was my choice if I went back to a meeting. I found it to be helpful. Every Al-Anon meeting can be different depending on the people that are attending and the dynamics of the group.

I loved Divorce Care at a local church. It was about taking care of yourself and thinking through how to get through the emotions and all of the crazy things that happen in a divorce.

There are a lot of couples who just do give up on their marriage and they are not dysfunctional. It is your inlaws choice to stay together no matter how dysfunctional their relationship might be. I think you are trying to analyze it in regards to your husband--like why is my husband doing this. But it is understandable if you do not want to be who your mother-in-law is in the future.

You are going to have to take a step back from all of the craziness and find the door where you can take care of yourself. You cannot make the marriage better or make your husband better by being the perfect wife. The truth is that you are not a doormat. You can set good boundaries. Your husband will need to get sober by himself, and you will need to take care of yourself separately.