Inpatient versus outpatient
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The more vested he is in his own recovery, the more he will get out of it. Make him find the right place, set it all up, and work the program. If he is not willing to do whatever he needs to do, every single day, then he won't recover. I know that sounds really simple, but it's not. It's hard work, and if he wants it he will put in the hard work to achieve it.
You...take good care of you and your children. That should be your #1.
You...take good care of you and your children. That should be your #1.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think about the job thing all the time. No I can’t support us in the manner we have become accustomed. It’s stressful to think I’d move and my kids would go to new schools. I have ocd so my mind is going 100 miles a minute making plans.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
hopeful is very accurate--the visible effort the addict puts into their own recovery really seems to be a predictor of outcome.
What I mean by this is if you are doing the research, legwork, checking on insurance, trying to get things arranged, keep him moving forward, etc.
I think it will not work and he will either not go, not finish, or relapse.
When I got serious about stopping, nobody and nothing got in the way of my action plan.
I expected my husband to do nothing towards my recovery except hopefully give me the time to show him I had really changed.
I didn't ask for pity, for help, or even encouragement.
My recovery was mine to build, execute, and maintain.
It still is. He cannot control or influence my drinking choices,
nor would it be fair to ask him to "manage" my recovery.
Actually, I would deeply resent it if he tried at this point.
He's not my parent, he's my spouse.
I've been on this list for a few years, and I have seen the same story
over and over where the spouse tries to manage the sobriety,
and the addict bails / fails / relapses / hides it / leaves to drink in peace.
It's good he has had a "change of heart" but the strength of that can be measured
in the proactive steps he takes on his own, as an individual to arrange
and get support in recovery and to manage his support on a daily basis
after treatment.
If he's relying on you to "help" him do anything related to recovery, that's a serious flag in my book.
You need to step back and take care of you and the kids.
That means a Plan B, C, and D if he doesn't get it together
and keep sober and build his recovery for the long term.
That's been my observation and personal experience from both sides
of the aisle. . .
What I mean by this is if you are doing the research, legwork, checking on insurance, trying to get things arranged, keep him moving forward, etc.
I think it will not work and he will either not go, not finish, or relapse.
When I got serious about stopping, nobody and nothing got in the way of my action plan.
I expected my husband to do nothing towards my recovery except hopefully give me the time to show him I had really changed.
I didn't ask for pity, for help, or even encouragement.
My recovery was mine to build, execute, and maintain.
It still is. He cannot control or influence my drinking choices,
nor would it be fair to ask him to "manage" my recovery.
Actually, I would deeply resent it if he tried at this point.
He's not my parent, he's my spouse.
I've been on this list for a few years, and I have seen the same story
over and over where the spouse tries to manage the sobriety,
and the addict bails / fails / relapses / hides it / leaves to drink in peace.
It's good he has had a "change of heart" but the strength of that can be measured
in the proactive steps he takes on his own, as an individual to arrange
and get support in recovery and to manage his support on a daily basis
after treatment.
If he's relying on you to "help" him do anything related to recovery, that's a serious flag in my book.
You need to step back and take care of you and the kids.
That means a Plan B, C, and D if he doesn't get it together
and keep sober and build his recovery for the long term.
That's been my observation and personal experience from both sides
of the aisle. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
The more vested he is in his own recovery, the more he will get out of it. Make him find the right place, set it all up, and work the program. If he is not willing to do whatever he needs to do, every single day, then he won't recover. I know that sounds really simple, but it's not. It's hard work, and if he wants it he will put in the hard work to achieve it.
You...take good care of you and your children. That should be your #1.
You...take good care of you and your children. That should be your #1.
My kids are my number 1 priority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by atalose
That’s one of the harsh realities of life when living with an alcoholic. The job could be gone in a blink of an eye as the disease progresses. Even if he finds abstinence, the disease continues on, watching and waiting, calling for him to return to drink again. That is one of the biggest reasons why a recovery plan and program are extremely important. And as the saying goes……what ever they put ahead of their own recovery they will eventually lose. Jobs, drivers license, marriage, family and friends all become casualties of them not wanting to be inconvenienced by some program or facility that will offer them an opportunity a chance at recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
hopeful is very accurate--the visible effort the addict puts into their own recovery really seems to be a predictor of outcome.
What I mean by this is if you are doing the research, legwork, checking on insurance, trying to get things arranged, keep him moving forward, etc.
I think it will not work and he will either not go, not finish, or relapse.
When I got serious about stopping, nobody and nothing got in the way of my action plan.
I expected my husband to do nothing towards my recovery except hopefully give me the time to show him I had really changed.
I didn't ask for pity, for help, or even encouragement.
My recovery was mine to build, execute, and maintain.
It still is. He cannot control or influence my drinking choices,
nor would it be fair to ask him to "manage" my recovery.
Actually, I would deeply resent it if he tried at this point.
He's not my parent, he's my spouse.
I've been on this list for a few years, and I have seen the same story
over and over where the spouse tries to manage the sobriety,
and the addict bails / fails / relapses / hides it / leaves to drink in peace.
It's good he has had a "change of heart" but the strength of that can be measured
in the proactive steps he takes on his own, as an individual to arrange
and get support in recovery and to manage his support on a daily basis
after treatment.
If he's relying on you to "help" him do anything related to recovery, that's a serious flag in my book.
You need to step back and take care of you and the kids.
That means a Plan B, C, and D if he doesn't get it together
and keep sober and build his recovery for the long term.
That's been my observation and personal experience from both sides
of the aisle. . .
What I mean by this is if you are doing the research, legwork, checking on insurance, trying to get things arranged, keep him moving forward, etc.
I think it will not work and he will either not go, not finish, or relapse.
When I got serious about stopping, nobody and nothing got in the way of my action plan.
I expected my husband to do nothing towards my recovery except hopefully give me the time to show him I had really changed.
I didn't ask for pity, for help, or even encouragement.
My recovery was mine to build, execute, and maintain.
It still is. He cannot control or influence my drinking choices,
nor would it be fair to ask him to "manage" my recovery.
Actually, I would deeply resent it if he tried at this point.
He's not my parent, he's my spouse.
I've been on this list for a few years, and I have seen the same story
over and over where the spouse tries to manage the sobriety,
and the addict bails / fails / relapses / hides it / leaves to drink in peace.
It's good he has had a "change of heart" but the strength of that can be measured
in the proactive steps he takes on his own, as an individual to arrange
and get support in recovery and to manage his support on a daily basis
after treatment.
If he's relying on you to "help" him do anything related to recovery, that's a serious flag in my book.
You need to step back and take care of you and the kids.
That means a Plan B, C, and D if he doesn't get it together
and keep sober and build his recovery for the long term.
That's been my observation and personal experience from both sides
of the aisle. . .
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Again, don't focus on what he needs, he needs to get that with inpatient help. Any trauma that is going to happen is good to happen when he has that support set up in place. You HAVE to do what is right and to take care of you and your children, bottom line. They come first, every single time.
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