Smarie78

When we change or begin to change, I do not think it is always conscious - at least for me it hasn't been. My change has happened very gradually and my body has been doing all of the talking. I didn't wake up one day and say "ok he's hurt me again now I am really going to throw it back"...I simply just stopped. I don't even feel I worked on it or deserve credit. My body just stopped. I felt and feel a little bit like a piñata that's been wacked too many times but just won't break. Instead the piñata is a little worn and pieces are hanging off but it's still there. Kinda just hanging out and no longer reacting to the swings. I know this sounds very victim-card, but it's the best way I can describe the way I feel around him now. He tells me I have changed. That I am not the woman I use to be who was warm and loving. I have strict rules now he says. I am selfish he says. I think I look so great when I get dressed up. I have a hugggggeee ego. For a die hard people pleasing codependent in recovery, this is both terrifying and satisfying. Satisfying because my goal of personal growth and strength is unfolding, terrifying because my identity I've always known appears to be crumbling. I was liked more when I took all the punches (not literal). People were happy around me. Now they aren't. Rough trade.

Isn't it in our biology to react in ways that are natural to repeated episodes of well, abuse? for lack of a better word...maybe exploitation is better. As much as I always want to be the warm and loving woman to everyone I touch, you can't trick the brain I've learned. At some point even if you don't like being the bad guy, your body doesn't always care. It spills out of you even when you don't want it to. When I want to keep playing the role of being a good girl, the yes girl, my body no longer lets me. I see that it hurts him and my immediate wish is to stop him from hurting (yes, still). But I cant anymore. I just won't let me. It's uncomfortable. I hate this role, but I don't feel I have anything left in the toolshed. All the masks are gone. I know I am not a bad person for feeling disdain and anger and nearly nothing positive toward him except for moments of compassion for the battle of the disease and even some semblance of love (yes, still). I am not a mean person, that I know. Even to him I know in my heart I am not mean. But I cant find my way back to love anymore. The candle with the lazy little flame on in the window is out. It sometimes feels like my fault when he talks to me about it. He tells me I gave up. But I feel like he is the one that blew it out.

I don't want to revert, and will not do so, but how do we quiet the voice that tells us we are changing into something negative even if the change was our goal all along?

OpheliaKatz

Having boundaries is not a negative thing. If you were a person who put everyone's needs before your own, eventually you are going to be physically worn down, you will get sick, you might die early. I'm not exaggerating, I know people who have had heart attacks or strokes because they were stressed from caring for others and didn't care enough for themselves. Replace the word "selfish" with "self care" and see how it sounds. One cannot live life to care for an addict because no one has control over the addict except for him/herself.

One way to quiet the voice that tells you that you are not worth it is, whenever you have negative thoughts, try repeating the words "I am worth it" in your head, over and over, until that's the only thing you hear. It works for me. I still have residual negative feelings, but I am working through them. It also helps that I have no contact with the addict. No contact helps.

ScaryTime

That’s an excellent question.

Needabreak

You could start by looking at yourself and your actions over the past few months, accurately and with honesty.

You have been acting from a negative place all along. You have been enabling an addict. There is nothing positive about this at all. And now it is taking its toll.

Work on yourself, figure out some healthy boundaries. Stop helping this man maintain his addiction. Get some help for yourself. These would be positive actions.

Bernadette

"I don't want to revert, and will not do so, but how do we quiet the voice that tells us we are changing into something negative even if the change was our goal all along?"

I learned something that helped me in therapy where you can give that voice a name: a practical name like CV (codie voice) or you can even name it like George or Martha!!

You take a step back and talk to the voice. It's just kind of a trick to help you switch on mindfulness and not go blindly following the voice, or allowing that toxic voice to crowd out positive feelings and progress.

When I remember to use it I find it gives me a little space to get out of that shadow of negativity. Sometimes I have to be pretty beat up and really down on myself to remember to use all the tools I've learned in AlAnon and in therapy, and I often wonder why is that? Is it just that the downer thinking is so familiar that it is comfortable and easier even though I know it harms me? I have to work on catching the downward slide earlier because it never ends, just goes down and down to misery.

"Oh hello George, I know you're afraid of change George, and maybe we can't be friends anymore and that's Ok by me! Go get a coffee George and give it a rest, I'm busy growing and changing over here!"

Peace,
B.

trailmix

I get what you are saying and it is a really good question.

I don't think it's a bad idea to reflect a bit, when we are changing things about ourselves it can't hurt to do a reality check to make sure we are on target and not going too far one way or the other. We won't always get it perfectly right.

When you are busy being soooo nice and soooo good (in a genuine way) there is not really any downside to that for anyone else.

No one will be sitting in the living room saying - OMG that Smarie, always does all the clean up after cooking! Smarie always lends me her car, I wish she would stop doing that. I know Smarie will lend me a hundred, I wish she would keep that money for something she needs for the weekend.

Nope - that's not going to happen lol (Although there are unselfish people out there who actually will look out for you, as you know).

Looking out for yourself is not negative. I know that can be hard to wrap your head around, it can be a REALLY foreign concept.

So I don't have any great words of wisdom but what you are going through is normal and not a bad thing in general. You have a lot of support here and I hope you keep posting .

trailmix

Yes.

dandylion

Smarie....you are under n o obligation to be "in love" with anyone.....
Most every one of us who have played the dating or relationship game, in our lives, have fallen out of love with one or m ore people....depends on how many you date....

It is totally natural to "lose that lovin' feeling" when a relationship no longer meets our need or our criteria......It is human nature.....
When it happens...what to do...? Call a spade a spade and snip the relationship strings and go forth looking for a better fit.....(and, fix our f***ed upness, so that we are capable of finding a better fit...lol).....

https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...50b60544b29cc8

Ariesagain

Your instincts to support and nurture are a good thing.

Your choice in nurturees , however, needs a ton of improvement.

As women, we are hardwired to nurture and be unselfish to a degree because otherwise all those screaming babies wouldn’t make it to adulthood.

When we apply those qualities and continue to nurture and support people who abuse and cheat and steal and lie and exploit and belittle us...and who are grown adults...they become pathological.

So if your instincts are finally waking up and smelling the coffee...that’s terrific.

It’s not really that you are changing. It’s that your self-preservation has finally kicked in and that is healthy.

dandylion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTvU3BELZEo

Smarie....there is a reason that this is one of the most popular relationship songs of all time (it does have a co-dependent slant to it)......Because it describes such a common experience....
It happens! If people just curled up and stopped living every time the natural th ing happens...there would no humans roaming the earth.....

PuzzledHeart

One of my former bosses once asked me, "Do you prefer to be liked or respected?" Ideally, it's both, but when push comes to shove, I'd prefer the respect.

It doesn't have to be a rough trade if you're no longer a people pleaser. What's the point of having the whole world like you if you don't even like yourself? If people no longer want to be around you because you no longer run errands for them, were they ever in your corner to begin with? Might as well cull them out now so you can concentrate on the people who truly matter, starting with yourself.

AnvilheadII

I was liked more when I took all the punches (not literal). People were happy around me. Now they aren't. Rough trade.

that is YOUR take on things....how you see how others perceive you.

At some point even if you don't like being the bad guy

taking a stand, having boundaries, respect for self is NOT being the BAD guy.


But I cant find my way back to love anymore.

then LET go. accept there is nothing left and end what is already over. we don't get style points in the codie olympics for those that held on the longest.

Smarie78

Thanks all for the great words of wisdom. I feel like a monster. When I see or speak to him the the monster comes out. I’m cold as ice, ready to pounce, a “touch me and I will scream” instinct washed over me. I tolerate it because I still feel tethered to the role of the last person standing for this disaster show. But this viscous nasty woman got unearthed in my recovery journey. I use to be calm for him. I would choose words carefully and wisely so as not to ruffle feathers or God forbid upset the apple cart. Now I say what I feel. I don’t belittle or insult, but I say dammit look what you’ve done here. It’s hitting me on the head with a frying pan and asking whether it hurt. Me before = um, sure but you didn’t mean to it will heal quickly!; Me now = YES DAMMIT IT HURTS WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??! I just don’t call him an idiot for it. But to him I’ve turned into a big ol meanie. I feel like one too - just not in the hear me roar kind of way I thought would join that feeling.I still handle myself as cautiously as i can - even when angry, to protect my anger from impact (you know because in my brain if someone mugs me and shows remorse it’s my job to make sure i never bring up the mugging lest they feel too badly about it. Eye roll)

Serious question....Can angry recovering Codies be as unhealthy for a recovering addict?

trailmix

Perhaps the broader question - is it unhealthy to be around a person who is generally angry at you (rightly or wrongly).

andyh

you can still be warm & loving to those who *deserve* that warmth & love.

dandylion

Smarie....I think you are actually being a monster toward yourself....not him...he can take it. He will find someone else to enable him...or he will decide to get better.....
He doesn't need you...you are his convenient enabler.

Look at the math--he is abusive to you and you are abusive to you....
If you look at another angle....he cares most about himself, and you care most about him...
Any way you look at it..it is all for him and nothing for you (except pain).....

No wonder you feel so "beat up" (like the piñata )......

Bernadette

"Serious question....Can angry recovering Codies be as unhealthy for a recovering addict?"

This is such a revealing question, it just screams codependency.

The questions I have to remind myself to ask are, what is unhealthy for me? What problems am I causing myself on my side of the street? What am I meant to learn from my rage and anger?
Leave the addict and the addict's recovery to the addict!

Peace,
B

Needabreak

Think back to the days when you were "nice" to him.

He would disappear for days and not let you know where he was, and you worried yourself sick that he had died. You would have to clean up his messes in the bed and on the couch. He treated you disrespectfully. He was an addict.

And what about now, when you are "mean" to him:

He disappears for days and doesn't let you know where he was, and you worry yourself sick that he has died. You clean up his messes in the bed and on the couch. He treats you disrespectfully. He IS an addict.

He's an addict and he treats you disrespectfully, regardless of whether you are angry or nice, sick or recovering.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. You can only choose whether you will continue with this madness in your life, or choose recovery.

But to answer your question, yes, I do think that unrecovered,enabling codies (and I was one myself), are unhealthy and bring a lot of harm in this world with our decisions and actionss, not just to addicts, but to many people around us. We are linchpins in dysfunctional family and social systems. We are as sick as the addicts.

And when we start working on ourselves, everything shifts. Everything changes. It seems scary at first, but it gets so much better the more we make healthy decisions for ourselves.

SparkleKitty

I think when I started not liking who I was when I was with XABF, that's when I had crossed a line and realized I was hanging on to the relationship for ME, not for HIM, and could no longer believe the narrative I had created for myself, that I was somehow tethering him to a possible better future.

All I was doing was hurting both of us because I was afraid to let go.

dandylion

Needabreak.....I think that the p hrase "lynchpin in the dysfunction" is sooo descriptive....and accurate.....