Leaving when children involved and other questions?
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Leaving when children involved and other questions?
I was so happy to run across this site. I suspected my gf was an alcoholic, but I never felt I had "proof." I was married a long time and this was my first real relationship after. Like others, I apologize in advance for a lengthy post.
The background that led me here:
She's very angry with her dad, who died a while back, from drinking. She also had a very ugly divorce that left her with nothing and deep in debt.
When we first met, when we'd talk, there were many times she sounded very "relaxed", not quite slurring, but slow talking. I'd ask if she was drinking/drunk and usually she'd say "no, just tired." When we'd go out, the level of drinking seemed normal to me. Only a couple times did it seem excessive, but nothing to raise a red flag.
We moved in together. Thought I'd found the person I was going to spend my life with. Her kids and mine love each other dearly and were "sisters" from the beginning. I love them like my own. Her kids father is a real piece of work, and I've been told on many occasion they look up to and love me more. Mine see her as the best parts of Beverly Goldberg from the TV show and talk to her about things they can't/don't talk to my ex about.
Then the fighting began (all verbal, nonviolent). Constant and without any meaning or direction. Everything had to have blame assigned. She was rational one minute, explosive the next, and a stressed out anxiety ball the next. Again, having little experience with women besides my ex, who was level-headed to the point of extreme boredom, I thought it was all about communication skills and worked hard to be patient and adjust my approach.
Then I found the first hidden empty wine bottle... or rather bottles. A bag full of them in the trunk of her car. I confronted her (having read a lot more lately, I know this was the wrong approach now) and told her to be an adult. If she needed to drink, pour a drink and own it. If she hid it, she was out. Encouraged her to finally take the plunge and see a therapist about the emotional issues from the past, which we had discussed quite a bit, believing the drinking was to cope.
She agreed to get help. There have been some amazing results, but the fighting never really stopped. It would come and go. She would accuse me all the time of "not seeing things her way," (which I now believe is true after reading a post about A's way is the bottle way) and "so it's always 100% me that's wrong" and so on (there is a post about blaming I read that nailed her to a T).
A few days ago, after a particularly intense and incredibly stupid fight she had with her daughter, I found another hidden bottle she hadn't covered well. I wasn't looking, having thought this behavior was in the past. It's just hard to ignore a sliver metal cap in a pile of clothes.
Decided not to confront her this time, for many reasons, but mainly do to research since obviously the first time didn't work. Didn't sleep much that night. Next morning, I notice she takes the clothes bag to the laundry. Not in any of the trash cans, so I slip in to the garage and I can see the top of a bottle poking out from under her driver seat. Then I realize it's a different bottle (blue cap).
Last night, I notice again she's acting strange. She's annoyed with me, angry, then bouncing around happy, getting the kids out of bed to look at lights she put up well past their bedtime. As you may suspect by now, yes, found yet another bottle.
Long story short, I don't want this in my life. I do not want to live with an alcoholic, even a recovering one. I made that clear from the first time I found bottles. I don't trust easily, and its now completely shattered. The most frustrating bit of this is her constant "I've done everything to earn back your trust. When are you going to trust me again?" REALLY??? As I look back, so many pieces fall into place and make sense if I add "it was the bottle" to the story.
Unlike a lot of the stories I read here and elsewhere, she's not a binge or blackout drinker. Most of the time, I don't even know or suspect. That's a problem when it comes to ending this because she needs to be sober, which I still think she is *most* of the time (or at least highly functioning).
So that leads me to my list of questions. I'm seeking advice and opinion. I understand the whole "not doctors/lawyers/etc" part:
Thank you all for reading my story and I appreciate any help and guidance you can give.
The background that led me here:
She's very angry with her dad, who died a while back, from drinking. She also had a very ugly divorce that left her with nothing and deep in debt.
When we first met, when we'd talk, there were many times she sounded very "relaxed", not quite slurring, but slow talking. I'd ask if she was drinking/drunk and usually she'd say "no, just tired." When we'd go out, the level of drinking seemed normal to me. Only a couple times did it seem excessive, but nothing to raise a red flag.
We moved in together. Thought I'd found the person I was going to spend my life with. Her kids and mine love each other dearly and were "sisters" from the beginning. I love them like my own. Her kids father is a real piece of work, and I've been told on many occasion they look up to and love me more. Mine see her as the best parts of Beverly Goldberg from the TV show and talk to her about things they can't/don't talk to my ex about.
Then the fighting began (all verbal, nonviolent). Constant and without any meaning or direction. Everything had to have blame assigned. She was rational one minute, explosive the next, and a stressed out anxiety ball the next. Again, having little experience with women besides my ex, who was level-headed to the point of extreme boredom, I thought it was all about communication skills and worked hard to be patient and adjust my approach.
Then I found the first hidden empty wine bottle... or rather bottles. A bag full of them in the trunk of her car. I confronted her (having read a lot more lately, I know this was the wrong approach now) and told her to be an adult. If she needed to drink, pour a drink and own it. If she hid it, she was out. Encouraged her to finally take the plunge and see a therapist about the emotional issues from the past, which we had discussed quite a bit, believing the drinking was to cope.
She agreed to get help. There have been some amazing results, but the fighting never really stopped. It would come and go. She would accuse me all the time of "not seeing things her way," (which I now believe is true after reading a post about A's way is the bottle way) and "so it's always 100% me that's wrong" and so on (there is a post about blaming I read that nailed her to a T).
A few days ago, after a particularly intense and incredibly stupid fight she had with her daughter, I found another hidden bottle she hadn't covered well. I wasn't looking, having thought this behavior was in the past. It's just hard to ignore a sliver metal cap in a pile of clothes.
Decided not to confront her this time, for many reasons, but mainly do to research since obviously the first time didn't work. Didn't sleep much that night. Next morning, I notice she takes the clothes bag to the laundry. Not in any of the trash cans, so I slip in to the garage and I can see the top of a bottle poking out from under her driver seat. Then I realize it's a different bottle (blue cap).
Last night, I notice again she's acting strange. She's annoyed with me, angry, then bouncing around happy, getting the kids out of bed to look at lights she put up well past their bedtime. As you may suspect by now, yes, found yet another bottle.
Long story short, I don't want this in my life. I do not want to live with an alcoholic, even a recovering one. I made that clear from the first time I found bottles. I don't trust easily, and its now completely shattered. The most frustrating bit of this is her constant "I've done everything to earn back your trust. When are you going to trust me again?" REALLY??? As I look back, so many pieces fall into place and make sense if I add "it was the bottle" to the story.
Unlike a lot of the stories I read here and elsewhere, she's not a binge or blackout drinker. Most of the time, I don't even know or suspect. That's a problem when it comes to ending this because she needs to be sober, which I still think she is *most* of the time (or at least highly functioning).
So that leads me to my list of questions. I'm seeking advice and opinion. I understand the whole "not doctors/lawyers/etc" part:
- How do I tell/confront her it's over? Where should this happen? For the kids sake, I've decided it needs to be after the beginning of the year. No reason to ruin the holidays.
- What do I tell my kids?
- What do I tell her kids? This scares me the most because I'm the only stable adult they know. Of everything, this feels like the biggest betrayal because they're innocent in this and deserve the best life can give them.
- What do I tell friends? They all think we're destined to be married and this will come as a shock to many if I tell the truth.
- How much time do I give her to leave? It's my house. She doesn't have much, including money. She and her kids are on my health insurance because her employer doesn't offer it and she's bound by the divorce. She has no where to go and no family. I will need to give her time to find a place, arrange movers, etc, but how much is reasonable? 30 days?
- Do I contact her therapist? I do care about her and hope she gets help and I'm not sure they are looking in this direction. Would having this conversation in front them be appropriate (goes back to my "where" question)? I feel like I need some sort of witness/3rd party to protect myself from the inevitable manipulation attempts.
- Do I write her a goodbye letter? Something she can read over an over and maybe, just maybe, something will click so she gets help?
- Do I try an intervention? Again, I want to help her, but I am not going to stay. I honestly don't believe she'll ever get help if I do. She hasn't hit rock bottom yet.
Thank you all for reading my story and I appreciate any help and guidance you can give.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
Your story is similar to mine. And to many here.
I would attempt an intervention. Take pictures of the bottles where you find them. Get anyone that cares about you both to help, if they are willing. Or use a therapist.
But based on my personal experience, only give one chance. I kept threatening divorce but never followed up on it. Therefore she knew she had nothing to fear.
It’s hard on everyone involved, and from the sounds of it, you might be her only place to go.
Focus on yourself and your kid. Ultimately that’s all you are responsible for and can control.
Good luck.
I would attempt an intervention. Take pictures of the bottles where you find them. Get anyone that cares about you both to help, if they are willing. Or use a therapist.
But based on my personal experience, only give one chance. I kept threatening divorce but never followed up on it. Therefore she knew she had nothing to fear.
It’s hard on everyone involved, and from the sounds of it, you might be her only place to go.
Focus on yourself and your kid. Ultimately that’s all you are responsible for and can control.
Good luck.
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One of the things I told my children, who were slightly older than yours at the time, was that their father and I could no longer agree on what was important to each us in our relationship. It was true and it did not place blame. (It was also a whole lot better then the BS he told them...blaming the break down of the marriage soley on me and taking no responsibility at all)
I didn't want to live with a drunk spouse I couldn't trust and he didn't want to stop drinking, drunk driving and lying about it all. Obviously we were never going to agree on what a happy, healthy relationship should look like. ( He actually told me he would lie to me the rest of his life "in order to feed his demons").... I didn't tell the kids all of this part...Not at that time. Since they are both now young adults we have had that conversation.
It is never easy when kids are involved. None of it.. not the breaking up, not the staying.. just none of it. I am sorry your family is dealing with the chaos of addiction. Displaying healthy behavior, even when it is difficult, is the best thing you can do for the kids.
Hugs
I didn't want to live with a drunk spouse I couldn't trust and he didn't want to stop drinking, drunk driving and lying about it all. Obviously we were never going to agree on what a happy, healthy relationship should look like. ( He actually told me he would lie to me the rest of his life "in order to feed his demons").... I didn't tell the kids all of this part...Not at that time. Since they are both now young adults we have had that conversation.
It is never easy when kids are involved. None of it.. not the breaking up, not the staying.. just none of it. I am sorry your family is dealing with the chaos of addiction. Displaying healthy behavior, even when it is difficult, is the best thing you can do for the kids.
Hugs
Last edited by SmallButMighty; 12-19-2017 at 12:14 PM. Reason: added content
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Originally Posted by theboyfriend 
Pre/early teens.
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I agree that there is no need to ruin the holidays and waiting until the new year is kinder.
My suggestion for what to tell them (as a person who had an alcoholic parent) - just tell them the truth.
I've seen a few stories here at SR where the parent that leaves takes the brunt of the "blame" when they have tried to protect the children from the facts.
I should clarify that I don't think that blame needs to be applied. She drinks she is ok with it, you are not ok with it, no one to blame there it just - is.
In the case of my parents, I was older than your children when they divorced and no explanation was necessary - the writing was clear. In your case, since you mention that often she appears to be not drunk at all, that's not so clear for them perhaps.
Now, how that comes out when you actually say it, i'm not sure, maybe someone else will have some advice on how they approached it.
My suggestion for what to tell them (as a person who had an alcoholic parent) - just tell them the truth.
I've seen a few stories here at SR where the parent that leaves takes the brunt of the "blame" when they have tried to protect the children from the facts.
I should clarify that I don't think that blame needs to be applied. She drinks she is ok with it, you are not ok with it, no one to blame there it just - is.
In the case of my parents, I was older than your children when they divorced and no explanation was necessary - the writing was clear. In your case, since you mention that often she appears to be not drunk at all, that's not so clear for them perhaps.
Now, how that comes out when you actually say it, i'm not sure, maybe someone else will have some advice on how they approached it.
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Thank you again to everyone who has shared.
Now that I've gotten to the point where I know it's happening again, I can't seem to escape it.
After she got home from therapy (which is where she was when I wrote the original post) and sharing some new insights into her past, and some realizations about her marriage, she kept talking about how I'm the shining beacon in her life. That she finally had what she's wanted all along.
Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure if its real truth, the truth she wants, or just pure manipulation as she suspects something is wrong with me/us (I've been more quiet and in my head the past few days, but work right now is also a big stressor in my life, so I've been able to deflect to that). So while I was getting some presents out of my car to wrap, I took a look again through the door/windshield glass and, big surprise, another bottle (yellow cap). Unfortunately, I didn't have my phone to snap a pic (I probably have enough to prove any points anyway).
That's 4 in 3 days, so far. I almost feel like she's not hiding these as hard so I'll find it and confront her, like its a way of asking for help without asking. I think that because, why now? Why these past few days? I'm a pretty observant guy (maybe a touch of OCD when it comes to things in their places), so I feel like if this wasn't a cry for help, she's really gotten lazy.
I'd really considered an intervention based on some of the responses above. She probably has a bigger support system than she realizes, as most of my friends have become our friends. But my anger over these past couple days just makes me want to cut the ties while I can. We're not married and we don't have any kids together. Even if she ends up on the streets, her kids can stay with their dad.
Speaking of, if I tell her children the truth, they will end up telling their dad, and I can pretty much guarantee that's going to spark a custody battle she can't afford and her anxiety (and probably then depression) will cripple her. I like the idea of "I chose/she chose" from the response above, but they're smart and stubborn and are going to keep asking until the truth comes out.
She invited me to her therapy session next week. I was hoping to wait until after the holidays, but I may need to hijack the session and resolve this around someone who can hopefully help her and can be witness to the ensuing manipulations.
Now that I've gotten to the point where I know it's happening again, I can't seem to escape it.
After she got home from therapy (which is where she was when I wrote the original post) and sharing some new insights into her past, and some realizations about her marriage, she kept talking about how I'm the shining beacon in her life. That she finally had what she's wanted all along.
Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure if its real truth, the truth she wants, or just pure manipulation as she suspects something is wrong with me/us (I've been more quiet and in my head the past few days, but work right now is also a big stressor in my life, so I've been able to deflect to that). So while I was getting some presents out of my car to wrap, I took a look again through the door/windshield glass and, big surprise, another bottle (yellow cap). Unfortunately, I didn't have my phone to snap a pic (I probably have enough to prove any points anyway).
That's 4 in 3 days, so far. I almost feel like she's not hiding these as hard so I'll find it and confront her, like its a way of asking for help without asking. I think that because, why now? Why these past few days? I'm a pretty observant guy (maybe a touch of OCD when it comes to things in their places), so I feel like if this wasn't a cry for help, she's really gotten lazy.
I'd really considered an intervention based on some of the responses above. She probably has a bigger support system than she realizes, as most of my friends have become our friends. But my anger over these past couple days just makes me want to cut the ties while I can. We're not married and we don't have any kids together. Even if she ends up on the streets, her kids can stay with their dad.
Speaking of, if I tell her children the truth, they will end up telling their dad, and I can pretty much guarantee that's going to spark a custody battle she can't afford and her anxiety (and probably then depression) will cripple her. I like the idea of "I chose/she chose" from the response above, but they're smart and stubborn and are going to keep asking until the truth comes out.
She invited me to her therapy session next week. I was hoping to wait until after the holidays, but I may need to hijack the session and resolve this around someone who can hopefully help her and can be witness to the ensuing manipulations.
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Originally Posted by theboyfriend
She invited me to her therapy session next week. I was hoping to wait until after the holidays, but I may need to hijack the session and resolve this around someone who can hopefully help her and can be witness to the ensuing manipulations.
When you were talking about after the holidays, I thought you meant in terms of the children. Your gf is not a child, you don't have to wait until after the holidays. If you two can hold it together until after then, that's great.
Interventions and letters and pictures of bottles, what does any of that really mean?
As for the Father of the other children, that shouldn't be your concern.
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Hi Boyfriend - I don't have a lot of time to write at this moment, but I wanted to tell you that I was honest with my early teen son about the why in a way that wouldn't be scary to him. I also focused on my responsibility to keep him safe and comfortable, in an environment where he can have friends and family visit. I stuck to facts, not blame. This is our situation - it stinks - I'm sorry, but as your mom, it's my job to make the best life for you that I can kind of thing.
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Regarding the no-blame comments - I get that, but obviously, I'm very hurt and angry this person could outright lie to me for so long. I don't feel the need to blame her for this ending. It was the deciding factor, but it's my choice not to live with it. But do I tell her this? I'd really like to tell her that her choice to drink (oh, and now, secretly eat, but that plus the amount of secret alcohol explains why she hasn't lost the weight she's been "doing everything possible" to lose) is why we're in this situation (which does sound a bit like blame, but it's also the factual truth).
One of her biggest regrets about her marriage ending is she claims to not know why it happened and why her ex hates her so much (he cheated and left is the official story). I've only spoken 5 words to the guy (his choice, not mine), but I now suspect it probably had something to do with this and either he didn't say anything, or she's so deep in denial she doesn't remember.
When I end this, I feel like I want to tell her she lost the best person/family/relationship she's ever had because she chose the bottle. She's hurt her children and is going to destroy her kids if she continues and any other relationship she attempts in the future.
I know her well enough she's only going to remember that I'm ending it and she doesn't know where to go when we have the talk. My hope is one day she'll read (or re-read) the letter, look at it objectively, and realize she needs help. It may not be soon, but I know she keeps letters and such from her past, so maybe one day.
Any chance this works or is it just for my benefit to clear my last bit of conscience over this?
One of her biggest regrets about her marriage ending is she claims to not know why it happened and why her ex hates her so much (he cheated and left is the official story). I've only spoken 5 words to the guy (his choice, not mine), but I now suspect it probably had something to do with this and either he didn't say anything, or she's so deep in denial she doesn't remember.
When I end this, I feel like I want to tell her she lost the best person/family/relationship she's ever had because she chose the bottle. She's hurt her children and is going to destroy her kids if she continues and any other relationship she attempts in the future.
I know her well enough she's only going to remember that I'm ending it and she doesn't know where to go when we have the talk. My hope is one day she'll read (or re-read) the letter, look at it objectively, and realize she needs help. It may not be soon, but I know she keeps letters and such from her past, so maybe one day.
Any chance this works or is it just for my benefit to clear my last bit of conscience over this?
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I doubt that plan will go the way you hope it to. You might try asking her if she wants you to tell her your reasoning. Odds are, deep down, she already knows (and that deep down, she also knows why her marriage ended). The question is only whether or not her addiction and denial are too strong for anything to penetrate.
Most likely she will perceive it as an attack, unfair, unfounded, etc. You have made this decision based on your own truth, is that not enough to keep your conscience clear?
Most likely she will perceive it as an attack, unfair, unfounded, etc. You have made this decision based on your own truth, is that not enough to keep your conscience clear?
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I tried for 5 years to get through to my XABF. So many meaningful conversations, pleas, texts, emails, and notes trying to get him to see what he was doing to himself and to us. After the first time (in the first year) that I told him that his drinking was killing him, me and us, I was wasting my breath.
The texts were deleted, letters shredded, conversations wiped clear from his conscious. I'm out 2 years, and he is still drinking. He glares at me when I see him out and about - I am still the jerk that was crazy and angry all the time and left him....just like all of his other exes.
I think that contacting her therapist, and staging an intervention, and writing a letter are just more of your efforts trying to change an adult that does not want to change.
You clear your conscience for yourself - you did all you could...and then some. You find a way to accept an apology you may never get. I know you have high hopes for her, but it seems like it's time to turn that energy and wanting to save her to saving yourself, because you are doing more to change her than she is.
The texts were deleted, letters shredded, conversations wiped clear from his conscious. I'm out 2 years, and he is still drinking. He glares at me when I see him out and about - I am still the jerk that was crazy and angry all the time and left him....just like all of his other exes.
I think that contacting her therapist, and staging an intervention, and writing a letter are just more of your efforts trying to change an adult that does not want to change.
You clear your conscience for yourself - you did all you could...and then some. You find a way to accept an apology you may never get. I know you have high hopes for her, but it seems like it's time to turn that energy and wanting to save her to saving yourself, because you are doing more to change her than she is.
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I started to mention this could be the reason for her divorce. When I divorced my exw,she remarried the next year. He was told what a "POS" I was,then he met me. Also,my decision since my daughter would be around him on some weekends. I never let on why we divorced and was friendly to him..Until my daughter told me about a physical altercation between her mother and her husband while she was there(probably coming from my ex)..a 6yr old. I nipped that in the bud the same day(there may have been some physical threats made by me to them both)..They left town and divorced a month after that. She's still not tried to get help and that was over 16yrs ago! I think she's been married 6 times and ALL the fathers have custody of their children. You're smart to get out early.
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The lady is in therapy, and has had "amazing results", and yet...? You're not married so moving on is a bit easier. In my opinion, you should not participate in her therapy or in an intervention since that implies that there is the chance of a "being together" outcome. For you, her drinking is non- negotiable, and you're done. The logistics of separation are complex and there is no one "right" answer. It is a betrayal. She will feel betrayed. You get to live your own life, on your own terms. Best of luck to you all.
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I'm not sure what participating in her therapy would accomplish. I think it is very unlikely that she will have an "aha!" moment and change her ways. She wants to drink and drink, you have come to realize that you cannot live with that, and that's about all that can be said about this situation.
It sounds like you are still trying to understand her in order to help her change or at least realize the magnitude of what she is doing by her destructive drinking ... but I don't think either of those things will happen. Is it possible that you want her to "wake up" to the destructiveness of her addiction because of your own (entirely justified) feelings of hurt and anger over what she's done to you? If so, I suggest that you will never get the apology or acknowledgment that you seek because she has so much invested in pretending there's no problem that she will probably keep denying.
If it were me, I would run a thousand miles rather than attend therapy with an active alcoholic. This is because my own experience with an alcoholic is that he tried to engage me in managing or witnessing his struggles with addiction (without him ever actually stopping drinking). A friend of mine refers to this as being on "Team Alcoholic". If it were me, I would resign from Team Alcoholic because that teams only wins drama competitions.
As for the bottles becoming more and more evident - I think some addicts secretly want to be caught, just like some people sabotage themselves repeatedly. Whether that is because the addict is seeking punishment, or wants attention, or wants to force some sort of confrontation in which the non-addict will be the "bad guy" is unknown unless you are inside their brain, where I would prefer not to be. So I would take the visible bottles as just more confirmation of what you already know - she's a committed drinker and you can't trust what she says.
It sounds like you are still trying to understand her in order to help her change or at least realize the magnitude of what she is doing by her destructive drinking ... but I don't think either of those things will happen. Is it possible that you want her to "wake up" to the destructiveness of her addiction because of your own (entirely justified) feelings of hurt and anger over what she's done to you? If so, I suggest that you will never get the apology or acknowledgment that you seek because she has so much invested in pretending there's no problem that she will probably keep denying.
If it were me, I would run a thousand miles rather than attend therapy with an active alcoholic. This is because my own experience with an alcoholic is that he tried to engage me in managing or witnessing his struggles with addiction (without him ever actually stopping drinking). A friend of mine refers to this as being on "Team Alcoholic". If it were me, I would resign from Team Alcoholic because that teams only wins drama competitions.
As for the bottles becoming more and more evident - I think some addicts secretly want to be caught, just like some people sabotage themselves repeatedly. Whether that is because the addict is seeking punishment, or wants attention, or wants to force some sort of confrontation in which the non-addict will be the "bad guy" is unknown unless you are inside their brain, where I would prefer not to be. So I would take the visible bottles as just more confirmation of what you already know - she's a committed drinker and you can't trust what she says.
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When my husband was deep in his addiction I went to see a Dr who specialized in addiction medicine because I didn't know what to do. It was very helpful for me, and led to another source of support for him. One area that I got help with was better communicating with him in hopes of stating my thoughts, feelings, and what I saw going on with him, how to encourage him and support treatment. Therapy takes time and who knows if she has even opened up about the drinking? Denying the problem, trying to blame other things for the downslide were common things I experienced. But walls did eventually break down in therapy for me, and for him. I guess what Im saying is that if she invited you to go to her session, then personally I would attend. And I would bring up your feelings and your concern. It may trigger emotions that you wont like, or she may feel exposed and open up more. Who knows? I did joint therapy with my husband also, and that's the way it went with us. However we did make progress and we are in pretty good shape now.
Since you are sure you want to leave the relationship then maybe it would also be a little cathartic to speak your mind, explain why you are leaving, concerns over her kids, how she will manage starting over. Those are real issues and you sound compassionate. Its so sad when things like this happen, but if you know there is no future then I think its good to be honest.
I wonder if he daughter already knows whats going on? She is a teen and maybe saw her parents arguing in the past? Possibly a therapist could help you know what to say for that age group? Do you see signs the girls (either one) would be helped by therapy themselves? Everything good with their school and such?
Since you are sure you want to leave the relationship then maybe it would also be a little cathartic to speak your mind, explain why you are leaving, concerns over her kids, how she will manage starting over. Those are real issues and you sound compassionate. Its so sad when things like this happen, but if you know there is no future then I think its good to be honest.
I wonder if he daughter already knows whats going on? She is a teen and maybe saw her parents arguing in the past? Possibly a therapist could help you know what to say for that age group? Do you see signs the girls (either one) would be helped by therapy themselves? Everything good with their school and such?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
@aliciagr - I don't know to what extent her kids might know what's up. They know she drinks (one got her a box of wine for xmas last year) and I know of one time one of them found a bottle packed away she claimed was there from moving in (this was a while back and part of what led to me confronting her about it back then). Her kids have seen some nasty things with their dad (of course, how much is really true, I honestly don't know anymore since I only ever get 1 side). Both parents agree the kids need counseling, but they're still arguing over which doc and who pays what.
From some of the bits and pieces I've heard and put together, I'm not sure her ex knows exactly what the issue is. He's offered his diagnoses (which she "has proof" from her therapist that they're incorrect), but again, I'm hearing this all through her, so I don't know if she's telling the truth about what he said.
Sucks I now don't trust a word out her mouth. I'll probably never get even close to knowing the whole story now that I realize what an expert liar she is. Thinking back, I have so many questions about how things REALLY happened/went down/etc.
She knows something is different and even last night was accusing me of acting like her ex just before he started cheating and left.
@dontremember - about 2 1/2 years and from online dating site... probably going to be a bit more cautious next time!
From some of the bits and pieces I've heard and put together, I'm not sure her ex knows exactly what the issue is. He's offered his diagnoses (which she "has proof" from her therapist that they're incorrect), but again, I'm hearing this all through her, so I don't know if she's telling the truth about what he said.
Sucks I now don't trust a word out her mouth. I'll probably never get even close to knowing the whole story now that I realize what an expert liar she is. Thinking back, I have so many questions about how things REALLY happened/went down/etc.
She knows something is different and even last night was accusing me of acting like her ex just before he started cheating and left.
@dontremember - about 2 1/2 years and from online dating site... probably going to be a bit more cautious next time!
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