Soulful

In two days I am going to Superior Court to file my simple divorce. I just finished filling in all the paperwork and the whole thing makes me want to throw up. I can't believe this is over. Is it over?

I was looking for our marriage certificate and I found his promise letter that he wrote to me this summer. One of the many, he was really good at always telling me what I wanted to hear and in a way, I am sure he meant what he wrote, or he wanted to believe he would offer me all of it. His actions were the opposite and I don't want to be responsible for them anymore.

I am heartbroken. It's the hardest s*** ever, even harder than giving birth to my son at home. It's hard, because I am dealing now with all these emotions that I haven't felt last month and they are not overwhelming my head. I partially feel guilty and responsible for the failure of this marriage, I feel I could have "helped" him, I feel I could have been a better wife, nicer, less angry, I could have been an inspiration for him to be a role model for his son.

On the other hand, I feel this rage and disappointment because whether or not I could have been better, nicer, wiser, etc... I didn't put a gun to his head and force his nose down the white powder. Whether or not I stressed him out, he is the one that chose to go for "walks" and lose control, gamble his money away, blow his money on drugs and alcohol and strip joints, black out and not know what he did.

He self-medicated himself throughout life and lost the ability to deal with life challenges and stress (I don't even know if was ever able to deal with life without running away from it).

I have read and watched hundreds of books on addition and I somewhat I understand he is "stuck". I understand his upbringing, lack of respect for authority, no limits, etc... I don't know if AA or NA or rehab or whatever can help him, but what I do know is that he is the ONLY one that can save himself. I can't help him any longer and I realized that the more I tried, the more he destroyed me.

The home is empty and it feels weird without him. There sure were happy moments too and my son misses him terribly. But I keep telling myself I am doing this for him. It's hard. Life truly is hard.

honeypig

Soulful, I wish you could have stood in the same room with me this past Friday afternoon, at the wake for XAH's mother. XAH's father (dead many years) was an alcoholic who was in and out of rehabs on a regular basis but never stayed sober for any significant amount of time. XAH's mother reportedly was active in Alanon for some time but stayed in the marriage until the youngest child was old enough to leave home. (And many years later, it was revealed that the youngest child was not, in fact, the child of XAH's father, but of one of his friends with whom XAH's mother had a fling...)

Of the children of this marriage: XAH is still an active A at 63 years old. One of his sisters has obesity issues, got the stomach surgery, and has learned how to cheat so that she has gained back almost all the weight. Another sister has been on (undeserved) disability for over 20 years, working the system and raising her own dysfunctional family. The youngest sister was married for less than a year to a man who cheated on her steadily; then she lived with a woman who clearly had major mental problems. Then she married again, to someone who certainly seems to either be an alcoholic or well on his way to that.

Moving on to the grandchildren--two of the 4 seem relatively normal. However, one of the other 2 got pregnant and the father disappeared as soon as she mentioned this fact; she also has a gambling problem. The other one has had some unspecified "learning disability" all her life, so no one has expected anything of her and she has lived up to those expectations. She is not yet 30 and has lost about half her teeth due to meth use. Allegedly she is clean from meth now but has taken up alcohol instead. She is unemployed and reportedly unemployable as she is functionally illiterate and unable to focus on anything for any length of time.

So, Soulful--that is what a roomful of 3 generations of addiction looks like. It was like a terrible reality show.

I know what you are doing is hard, but you are giving your child the best shot you can at not standing in a group of people like this when you pass on. I applaud your strength. Stay the course.

Nata1980

Hugs to you, dear soulful.

You did not cause any of his addiction issues. It is just that addicts are not able to cope with normal life occurrences like job troubles, difficult kids and wives who get grumpy at times. Addicts are escapists, they don't do life and it's challenges.

The way you feel right now will get better with time as you work on your self care.
Please don't forget to do things you enjoy - it's incredibly hard, but necessary.

The blame game may continue for a while - XAH is still going with it, two years past divorce. I do feel I could have been nicer, gentler, hugged him more, whatever, I think it's normal to look back and try to see your own side. At the time I could not do any better as I was trying to fight demons that were not mine to fight. I was anxious, terrified, nagging mess - but anyone would be. And I do feel, at times, that "is it really over?" twinge. It is, at least in my case. I try to be as kind and understanding as possible these days while maintaining firm boundaries. Seems to be working ok.

Hang in there - you will get through this

The biggest benefit of this whole disaster for me is that now I am much more humble about my shortcomings and it helped me tremendously throughout all aspects of my life.

Eauchiche

Dear Soulful
You have a great deal of courage to go file. Facing these emotions requires even more courage.
They will come in stages as the divorce progresses. I only hope your ex lets things go through without dragging you into a fight over property.
We are here to support you.
The good news? If you move forward with all this, your life will be much easier after it's final.

BAW81

I really needed this post today....I am doing my best to stay cordial with my STBXAH despite his continued anger and spite towards me. I invited him to a couple of our child’s activities and we went together. I will not lie, it felt nice to pretend again. I felt myself back to old ways though, putting on a big smile for everyone, interacting with him, just generally being kind, and trying to enjoy the time with my DS..... I am very good at pretending things are “good.” I tell myself I’m doing it for my DS which I know part of me is but I’m going to be honest I do it for me too.

It was all going ok until he snapped at me for no reason and it was like a splash of cold water in my face. I just stood there shocked as he walked away with our DS and tears started. Someone else saw and heard and came to offer a nice touch.

I went home and cried and cried and called my mom. She said something to me that resonated, she said “ you could’ve stayed and you would’ve been at those same activities today angry and upset because you dealt with a drunk husband the night before. A husband who probably wouldn’t even be going to those activities if you were still together.” She is right. While it sucks and isn’t the life I dreamed, at least I am freeing myself and my DS who now sleeps in a peaceful home.

I definitely know the second-guess feelings, they are circling me like sharks lately. I’m just trying to be very honest with myself about what it was truly like so I remember why I’m doing what I’m doing and why it is so important to stay the course.

HardLessons

Your relationship with your AH will be over when you decide its over. Its honestly that simple.

The same was true for me. I finally took back control of a totally out of control situation & decided to end the relationship. I am not saying it was easy to do, nor am I saying its easy now - but I did do it.

Wishing you the best of luck

atalose

Life is hard, it can be extremely hard at times and isn’t always fair. I know for me I made my life harder by holding onto someone who approached life by not approaching life in healthy ways. I made my life extremely hard by believing that it was my responsibility to fix that person and attempt to make them approach life in healthier ways.

Ending are always hard, following through on all that needs to be done in order to dissolve the relationship makes it very real, because prior to that it was still just an idea, an attempt to get them to see things from our vision of life and filled with hope that a miracle would happen.

Time does make endings easier to cope with and sharing your feelings makes the time between now and then easier to get through.

Soulful

A good friend of mine told me: it's simple, but not easy. I never really understood the meaning of that until reading what you wrote.

The decision for it to be over is simply. Acting on that is NOT easy.

Soulful

I am really sorry for the pain you felt and I mean it because I understand and felt it so many times myself.

I know the faking very well. I am sure we can probably get an Oscar for those acting skills, that's for sure. I am sorry you went through that, we hold on to a thread, thinner than a speck of dust and we try to hang on to that hoping for a miracle until God (or the universe) decides to remind us of what it REALLY is our reality.

What a rollercoaster.

BAW81

I'm so sorry for what you're going through too, Soulful! This is really excruciating but we have children to look out for. We can do this!

My DS is too little but I will be seeking a counselor for him when age appropriate. I know you mentioned your son misses his dad too. Perhaps it's worth looking into some support for him?

While we are doing this for our little ones and ourselves. I'm very anxious about making sure I do it the right way for my DS. At this point, I think making sure my DS learns the proper coping skills from a professional is crucial.

Soulful

A good friend of mine is actually a child psychologist and I would like to setup some sessions and see where it goes. He is such a good boy, I am very blessed with him and we are very close, and I want to make him feel as safe as possible.

Trust your instincts mama, you are really doing your best. <3

OpheliaKatz

Soulful, I know what it's like to stand in an empty house. When the addict is there, the whole house is filled with them and their problems. It’s like they’re a fog that takes up every corner of space physically and very corner of your mind mentally. I could not go anywhere in the house without cleaning something that he left behind. Now that he's physically gone, the only mess left is in my mind. It's a huge mess, because while I was running around after him, managing emergency after emergency (and in the dead space, worrying about when the next emergency would happen), I didn't have time to clean the mess in my head and it has accumulated; years of crying in the shower or not crying at all. Years of not sleeping. Years of counting pennies. I don’t like to face the future alone. I also wonder if there was anything else I could have done. I wonder this every day. I'm probably the only one that wonders this, though. I know he’s not wondering what he could have done (like go to rehab, for example). I had no control over his choices. I wish I had control over them, but that's not how it works.

The response by honeypig is very thoughtful. My ex-husband was a third generation addict (or maybe it goes back further, I don't know.) His grandfather came back from the war an alcoholic with PTSD, and things went terribly wrong in his marriage. I think he may or may not have found a second wife, but I think back then, women had less choices and longer lasting marriages, albeit fewer women left marriages because of abuse or addiction. People do stay in relationships that are toxic, or go back to toxic relationships. But then the cycle simply perpetuates: a marriage has addiction, which becomes abuse, which impacts the psychological health of everyone in the marriage, including the children… the children develop addiction as a result of the family abuse… and so on and so forth. My ex-husband came from three generations of mental illness, addiction, and violence.

I think (just my opinion) you are doing the right thing, saving your son from the cycle. It’s going to be tough. Now that the dust has settled and you have some time to think (and you will get more and more time to think as things calm down), you are going to question your decisions. I know I did. I still do. Please stay strong. Please know that you are doing the best you can, you HAVE done the best you can by EVERYONE, and know what matters most is the safety of your son. Your son needs a strong, reliable parent. That’s you. That has always been you.

Soulful

Yeah, I have been using incense all over my home and his bedroom, it was kind of funny, I felt I was "blessing my home" and sending all that bad energy away from our condo. lol I am losing my mind!

And now I am left with a lot of mental and emotional mess that I am trying to sort out. It's ok, I don't mind doing that work going forward.

As for my son and having a reliable parents, my son last night started to tell me how scared he felt when my AH left him alone in the house while I was on a business trip. I actually managed to record that, so whenever I am emotionally weak and I doubt my decision, to her my son cry and share how scared he felt. Awful.