Kboys

DS turned 6 on Thursday. ( Can't believe he's six already!!!) This is the first year I haven't had a party for him, but we did other things for him, and today we - the boys and not quite x ah and I went to Reno... Which is the closest big city from us. We had a nice day, and we are staying in Reno at a hotel / casino.
All of us.
Bad mistake Kboys.
XAH has been sober, working, living on his own, and doing ok. We've been making co parenting work for the most part, to my surprise., All of it is to my surprise.

So I asked him to come to Reno with us.
And he left our room at 7 pm and hasn't come back. He said he was just going to have a smoke.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
I don't know why I'm crying. And feeling that old familiar heart break. It sucks. I haven't felt it in a while. Why did I do this to myself?
I know better....
Truly, it's not as if I thought we would get back together... I thought I was past that at this point. I enjoy being on my own with my boys and I on our own... So why do I care if he stays out all night? I wish I didn't... but I feel heart broken all over again. Stupid kboys..
He was doing so well... At least as far as I knew... But we haven't come to Reno together in a really long time..
I'm scared he'll come back to the room and yell and scream and wake the kids up like he used to...
It's 1130 my time. I assume he'll stay out til 3 or 4.
I feel so stupid for thinking this trip would be okay
The kids have had fun though, and that's all I really care about. As long as he can just come back in the room and go to sleep and be quiet and wake up tomorrow and carry on... That will be okay, but I'm worried it won't be that easy. I haven't seen him drunk in a long time and I don't want to.... But I can't lock him out of our room. He has a key card ... And also I just don't want you make anything worse than it needs to be for the kids' sake.

Thanks for reading....

dandylion

Kboys....I have found out...same as you...that these kinds of situations serves as "refreshers" for our memory of why we are not together with a person, anymore.
At least, it keeps us grounded n reality...and, helps us to avoid going down the lane of fantasy, wishful thinking, and imagined regrets....
I hope that he, at least, is not loud when he returns.....
Don't beat yourself up, over this...that would be wasted energy.....Just say..."Oh, DUH!", to yourself, and push forward.....

What you wanted, might be a very realistic, and normal thing, if there wasn't addiction involved. But, alas. that is not the case.
An alcoholic is always just one drink away from relapse....especially, if they are in the early part of recovery...or, if they are not working their program--at any point...even if it is 10 or 15yrs......

Soulful

I agree with this. When I kicked AH out the second time and sent him to Toronto, we started talking again and through everything he said, it sounded like he was finally off the cocaine. I saw him after 6 months and he gained weight and while he did that, I knew it was because he quit cocaine and I was actually happy he put on weight and be chunky. I started to hold on to the idea that we will be a family again and I opened my heart to him.
We went as a family to Isla Mujeres to celebrate our anniversary and the first thing he did was he bought a TON of alcohol. There was no way the two of us would finish that amount and with a child with us. I asked him why he bought so much and he said he wanted to have fun. I realized then, he put on weight because he quit cocaine, but he replaced it with alcohol. I know how you feel.

I hope everything turns out different than what you expect, but if it doesn't, just remember that your children had a good time and you will go back home, where he is not there.

FeelingGreat

Hi K, nothing surprising about your strong reaction. It's just so disappointing.
I hope that when he comes back he'll behave himself at least to the point of not disrupting the children.

Sasha1972

Disappointment is a pretty crushing feeling, isn't it? I'm sorry that you're stuck in Reno waiting to find out whether he's going to come back or not. I'm really sorry that your hopes that he would have changed have been dashed, but I don't think you're stupid for having those hopes in the first place. We all want to believe that the addict will change (and sometimes they really do change - unfortunately not as often as we would like).

Kboys

Thanks for the responses. Thanks for being here.
He did quietly come back into our room and didn't cause any problems.... Thankful for that.
Life carries on...
DS 4 said he wants to go to Reno and do the same thing for his birthday in March.... AH will not be invited this time... At least not to spend the night with us....