He crossed the line I didn't think he would cross
 

I've been in and out of mediation and legal for years with my AXH. Our kids are now 6, and up until now my mediator has recommended agains me filing for custody, in part because my legal case isn't great and in part because the kids are doing well and she thinks a court battle would be worse for them than riding this out.

The big thing convincing her that they were safe - besides the fact that they are old enough to go to the doorman or call me on the iPad - is that he's never driven drunk with them.

Until tonight. My babysitter called me to tell me that he was drunk when he came to pick them up (he had dropped them off, late, less than an hour prior). She refused to let him take them. He claimed he hadn't been drinking, then said only one, then cried and begged her not to tell me because he would lose his kids.

In speaking with the kids, I believe he must have been drunk on Friday when he picked them up from school too. He told them they were skipping an after school class that was a 20 minute drive so they could "hang out."

I am livid.

I know I need to start with our mediator. I don't even know what to threaten. I just want him to give me the kids until he can get his **** together: he did intensive outpatient about 2.5 years ago and was doing well until he discontinued their aftercare program 5-6 months later. Since then he's been cycling thru relapse / discovery / mediation / recommitting to sobriety every 2-3 months (or in other words not actually in recovery).

I'm sorry you're going through this. (((Hugs)))

Is your mediator familiar with alcoholism/addictions?

Here's a quote from a thread I was reading:

She's been in the business a LONG time so she's at least modestly familiar. That said, at one point I said, "well either he will get better or he will get worse." And she said, "or, maybe he will stay the same."

I said, "it doesn't work that way. It's a progressive disease."

I haven't lashed out at him. At least part of the anger is at myself - at letting myself believe the twins were safe while also knowing that at some point, as a single dad he would make a wrong call to drive them...

Have you considered soberlink?

He's been on and off Soberlink as part of aftercare and then "voluntarily" thru mediation.

It seems to keep him dry for a few months at a time, then he finds a reason he needs to discontinue. It's too expensive (I started paying for it), he needs to live his life, etc.

At our last mediation a few weeks ago I told him I thought he was drinking again and he refused to go back to it. I told him that I was pursuing expert counsel on how to talk to our kids about his alcoholism which made him furious.

I emailed my attorney last night to get our emergency motion in shape to go if he doesn't willingly grant custody. He is flat broke, the alimony he gets from me (but not child support) is done in April, and he really won't want anyone to find out about his drinking. So I hope he will comply.

Good thread title - this is what they do! Just when you think they won't - they surprise us. In a very crappy way.

CoParent - sorry you are going through this, trying to co-parent with A's is no small feat (fellow co-parent here)

Does not sound like he is doing too well, you, on the other hand, sound very good :)
Good luck with lawyers etc., hang in there. It will all work out!

"I told him that I was pursuing expert counsel on how to talk to our kids about his alcoholism which made him furious."

Bless you for this! So what if he's furious? Minor's feelings need honest guidance, before protecting the alcoholic adult's ego!

I sure knew something was wrong/different about my family when I was 6, I wish someone, (would've been awesome if it had been Mom) any sober caring calm adult, had named what was going on, had been available to talk about it.

It would've saved me and my siblings a lot of angst, confusion, fear etc. And I've always wondered if my brothers had known literally and honestly what was causing all the insanity in our house if maybe they wouldn't have become alcoholics - maybe...maybe not, we'll never know. :-(

Once my Dad was recovered for a while he talked openly about alcoholism, answered any questions, didn't shy away from honest (even painful) discussions. That's how I learned what true recovery looks like. I was an adult by the time he opened up, so as helpful as Dad's honesty was I still had to (have to!!) work so hard on repairing my messed up faculties from that childhood dynamic of secrecy and avoidance of reality on the part of my parents and all the adults around in our family.

I did learn that having specific language to talk about difficult topics, and being able to name feelings really gives me strength and clarity and the ability to work out ways to cope.

Peace,
B

Smart move. I wouldn't let the children get into a car without a breathalyzer test. You simply can't trust him.

addicts don't have a line to cross....we do.
we have things we can't imagine they would ever do
addicts can and will do whatever it takes
rationalization - justification - minimization
whatever it takes to protect and defend the addictio

I guess that's true. And this was my line.

Mediation call went well, twins with me for immediate future.

I'm watching this thread with interest - so close to my own experience.

I am also watching this thread with great interest. My ah is very good about not drinking and driving but I totally could see him driving the kids drunk before admitting he should not be driving to me.

He was good about drinking and driving - until he wasn't.

I suppose on some level I watched him make decision after decision to put alcohol first and I should have known eventually he would abandon his commitment when it became too expensive or problematic. But it's still shocking.

Spoke with my attorney today who reminded me that with his alimony ending, he must be afraid to lose the twins because his child support will go away if they aren't with him. I am seriously not worried about finances, I would be happy to keep paying him so long as my kids are safe. But right now I am his only income, and as long as he has that as a safety, he has no compelling reason to get his life together, get a job, etc.

The whole thing is just so sad.