SoloMio

Didn't know what to call this, because I'm a little overwhelmed with different thoughts and feelings.

• We bought a lake house. And I'm so divided on what it represents. a) a second house to flee to and b) akin to having a baby to save the marriage.
• Last year I vowed to go through with separation, and look what happened. Another joint asset.
• I am in love with this little lake house--it's only 680 square feet, and it's very "me"--gardens and composters and outdoor clotheslines and firepits and woodstoves and.. and.. and.. I really love it.
• I read most of Gabor Mate's "When the Body Says No" this week--a great cautionary tale on repression.
• So I honestly don't know what to do about reconciling a life in this little house and potential drinking activity--not even just by DH, but by the kids, too. When I was a child I spent at least 15 years at an idyllic summer cottage owned by my awesome great aunt. All I want is to be the kind of woman she was, and be able to offer the kind of life to my grandkids that she offered me
• Things are getting worse with AH.. he got kicked out of a bar that our DS was playing a show at; he got yelled at by another DS; he's no longer welcome at the home of another DS. Interestingly, DD seems to have the most compassion--is this because she's taking after my multiple decades of enabling?
• So sorry to rant and rail here after so many years without contributing. But you guys are my only source of honesty and tough love and genuine support.

viola71

Just wanted to say Congrats on the little lake house. I was in a very similar position. We bought a farm with rolling hills and a little white steeple church in my view. I was terrified because of where the relationship was and now my relationship is done. But my little farm ended up where I recovered from multiple cancer surgeries which was diagnosed 2 months after we closed. I painted and decorated this farm as a perfect reflection of me with no input. I can say I would not have made it without my quiet safe place and now I will be getting my dream in the divorce. Sometimes these things come into our lives when we need them. Its quite magical the universe. Take it day by day. Best wishes

hopeful4

Well, there is no turning back. You own it now. I am glad you love it and I hope you get peaceful times there.

I don't think it's a great idea to tie yourself up with assets with a person who is spiraling, so I do hope you try to put financial protections in place.

Maudcat

Perhaps the lake house will turn out to be one of those strangely wrapped gifts we hear about every now and again here.
Agree with hopeful.
Financial protection when one lives with an addict is a very smart thing.
You never know.

Hawkeye13

It sounds lovely.
You do own half--so why not keep it no matter what,
and let him have something else if you don't decide to stay in the end.

Meanwhile, you have a beautiful oasis to enjoy.

SoloMio

Thanks!

You guys have pointed out the good and bad of this situation. The way my crazy brain was thinking over the past two years was this: a couple of times in the past I have rented 6 weeks to 6 months off-season rentals on a beach near where I live in order to "escape." I love that particular town, and would happily live there, but it's mega-expensive.

So, alternatively, I've scoured rentals in this area near 3 of my kids for the past year or two. But I thought, why should I rent? Maybe it's more fiscally prudent to find a cheap second home that I really like. I feel that with two houses, I could flee or he could flee at any time.

I know it's not worth the air the words rode out on, but I did express to him my firm intention not to bring a drinking culture up there. So again, I have no expectations that if he goes up there, he's not going to drink, but I just wanted to give him fair warning. Do I have a firm course of action when he gets out of hand? I'm working on it.

But the house itself is very small, and very cheap for lakefront. And honestly, it's my dream house. I was looking at pictures today, and also, looking at things to do in the area, and tears came to my eyes. It is so up my alley, and I am just really looking forward to this move. I'm not that worried about the joint assets part. No matter what, whether the assets were liquid or real estate, if we divorced I'd have to split them, and he actually paid for the down payment with a small inheritance he got from his mother. And at least if the money is tied up in real estate, it's harder for him to p*ss it away.

But one day at a time. I truly am frightened that I will not be able to create and stick with boundaries. Even my one son who will be living 30 minutes away is nervous about his dad being close enough to disrupt the serene life up there. So yes, there are a lot of concerns.

I'm willing to see what happens. I just love this house.

Maudcat

I think one of the more insidious effects of living with an alcohol addict is that we just always expect the worst.
I mean, they train us well, don’t they?
Constantly diminishing our expectations of what’s normal.
Always lowering the bar.
Until we just don’t expect anything from them, or expect the worst.
I am always catastrophizing.
I try not to, but, there you are.
Peace.