ScaryTime

My AH has been sober 30 days as of yesterday.
We actually “talked” last night and I shared with him that these last two weekends have been very “freeing” for me as I have just begun my journey of looking after myself first.
I cry everyday, some days a little more than others but al anon friends say this is normal and “tears are shampoo for the soul”. I have not cried in so long that it feels like I am making up for that time. Have been on autopilot, but I don’t want to just get through life, I want to live MY life and if that involves tears, so be it.
My issue now is that I did give my AH a hug last night and told him congratulations...
Right away this morning he is right back to having all of these expectations of me and what I can do for him and his life.
No, no, no! I want to shout! I am just getting back on my “own” to feet after being silent for SO long as no matter what I said in the past didn’t get through the haze he was in.
He has a Christmas party at the Alano club this Saturday. I had already made plans so can’t go, so what do I do, start rearranging MY plans for this party. So easy to step back into the way things have been for the last 18 years...
So I told him this morning that I cannot attend his party, but now I am feeling SO guilty!
😪

Challenger2013

Don’t feel guilty for looking out for yourself. I know it’s difficult though. I find myself doing things that STBAXW should be doing for herself. And when I do, she is sure to mention that she doesn’t know how she will manage in the future once I’m out of the house. Guilt-trip much?

And this morning she specifically came into my room in the base to point out how she didn’t drink this weekend and asked if I’m proud of her for it. Classic priming manipulation.

She’s asked if I’m mad at her because I don’t speak to her as much. I guess she thinks I’ll be calling her every day after the divorce is final and I move out.

Read up on the manipulation techniques that addicts use. You’ll find that many of them are being used against you and you don’t realize it because it’s become the norm.

SparkleKitty

Self-care is really difficult at first. It gets easier with practice, and as you begin to see the benefits, the guilt will dissipate, I promise!

ScaryTime

Thank you Challenger2013!
I keep telling myself that. His new thing is to post all of these sappy posts on FB about how much he loves his wif and blah blah blah... then tags me on them. If I don’t respond then I look like the a$$hole. I am tired of looking like I am the one that isn’t caring. I have been “caring and loving” 160 percent to him and our marriage for 18 years and yet I am still the one that looks like the jerk.
I was ready to leave him then he dumped the sobriety on me and I am trying to figure out my feelings and if him being sober is truly a game changer or not.
And yes! Thank you the manipulation is ALWAYS present so I just don’t talk to him much as I can’t deal with it any longer. My father is also an alcoholic and a MASTER at manipulation. So I am struggling so much between the two of them!
Ugh!
Thanks for the encouraging words and I will take a look at the stickies. Good luck with your situation as well!

SparkleKitty

A big, big BIG part of taking care of yourself is letting go of worrying about what other people think of you. The reality is, most people are not paying as much attention to us as we imagine they are, and the ones that are usually more savvy than we give them credit for, i.e., they can see him playing the victim. The ones that can't? They're not your friends.

Also, ST, you do not owe him anything just because he stopped drinking for 30 days. There is such a thing as too little too late. The only feeling you need to honor are your own.

ScaryTime

I sure hope so SparkleKitty! Thanks for the encouraging response. SO tired of this tight feeling in my gut all the time!

Challenger2013

Amen!
I’ve forgiven so much over the years.
I’ve threatened to divorce her so many times that, to her, it became an empty threat. I told her I was going to see a lawyer and start the process and she didn’t take it seriously until I told her a deputy would be coming to the house to serve her the next day.

She takes my detachment as me ignoring her. But the less we talk about anything other than our son, then the less chance she has to try to manipulate and lie.

Keep working on your well being.

Mango blast

It's okay to delete your Facebook account... and can be VERY therapeutic.

Challenger2013

I did that!

FireSprite

Keep in mind that sobriety is not the same thing as Recovery. 30 days ain't nuthin'....... more will be revealed, you are VERY right in continuing to focus your attention on your own side of things.


What was his response?

trailmix

This is how you feel. While you don't "owe" him any explanation for taking care of yourself maybe you need to tell him what you said above?

ScaryTime

FireSprite
“What was his response?”
He just said “ok”.

FireSprite

Ok then - that's good..... so long as it wasn't laced with passive-aggressive tone & meaning.

Sounds like the guilt you are feeling is self-induced - the result of having been a people-pleaser for so many years (decades).... it's seriously uncomfortable to go through these kinds of changes. It won't last forever & it will get better slowly, degree by degree as you work toward your New Normal.

I found it helpful to talk myself through these moments - when I felt that tightness you describe & examined it & found it was My Discomfort I would tell myself out loud, "Everything is OK - Nothing is Wrong, this is just New." over & over until I either got distracted or felt better.

At 30 days into this process I was a Holy Mess. I didn't feel human or trust any of my 1st reactions or instincts - hang in there, it does get better with time & effort!

Challenger2013

“New Normal” is my favorite phrase now!

NYCDoglvr

Ditto that 30 days is nothing ... My early sponsor said "feelings aren't facts!"
That means even if you feel guilty doesn't mean you've don't something wrong. You haven't. This is tough because in the beginning recovery is counter intuitive. Just be willing, open and honest and you'll grow a great deal.

ScaryTime

Thank you so much everyone! It is so encouraging to hear that this gets better.
And I do a lot of self talk - it’s just that over the years it was most like “okay you have to figure this out and get him out of this” or “it’s not as bad as you’re letting your mind tell you it is” and on, and on...
it WAS as bad as my mind was telling me I was just choosing to ignore that voice.
My gosh how did I let myself get here?!
I need to listen to myself and refigure that self talk into more positives for myself! Yep! Ugh! I just wish it was that easy.
I am growing and learning a lot about myself through this process-I just have to keep believing that it is Gods way of helping ME grow. Thanks again everyone! Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without all of you and this site! Peace to you all!

dandylion

Scary Time.....since you are an Adult Child of Alcoholic---I am wondering if I suggested to you to get the literature of the organization---"Adult Children of Alcoholics"....their books are available on amazon.com.....
There is no way that you could grow up with your father being an alcoholic and it not have an enormous effect on you ...and, have it bleed into all of your relationships.....
No doubt, much of what you are struggling with, right now, is from baggage from your childhood that you brought along with you, before you even met your husband.....being with him, has probably just made what was already there, much worse......

I'm just saying... look at the BIG picture---the really big picture.....

ScaryTime

Thank you dandylion. Yes, being an ACOA is not lost on me. I did not recognize it however until going through all of this with my AH. I have been catering to my dad my whole entire life and he is also mentally ill. And, well to my whole family for that matter... all of them have been rotten to me at various points in my life but because I never stood up for myself (because I didn’t know how) didn’t think twice about doing and saying very mean and nasty things to me. I fear though with all of this enlightenment I am taking ALL of the abuse from my entire life on my AH. I don’t know what I feel anymore about anything. Sometimes I do think I am ok and I can get through this and grow as a result of it and most times I just want to give in and go back to the fool that I have been for SO long just because it’s easier. I WANT better than that for myself though but damn this is SO painful. 😪
Thanks for the book recommendation, I am going to order it right now.

dandylion

Scary Time....yes, of course this is hard....anyone who has been in your shoes knows that it is hard---in the beginning. The thing is....it is not painful forever. Don't forget that. Remember that you (and all of us) are much stronger than you think you are.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that going backward would be "easier"....but, that is not true. That is just a mirage. It might be for just a brief time....but, going backward is painful also...and it doesn't get better...in fact, it gets worse, over time. There is no real "easier" back there.
Here is the actual choice (in the big picture---1..Short-term pain that gradually goes away....and, 2. Long term pain that never goes away...getting worse over time.....

You CAN have better for yourself....all you have to do is want it and be willing to do the work to get it....
You were brought into this world to thrive...not just exist....
You will have lots of people to help you and walk beside you....you will not be alone!!!