Hopeful , yet hurting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Atalose,
If letting him go and doing no contact is what it takes for him to work on himself and his issues. Yes, I am willing to do that. He offered to work with a counselor, "what ever it takes, to work it out". Was what he told me. I offered the same and to use the help of a counselor/therapist. His messages seem to go back and forth talking in the present and past tense.
At times he says he wants to work it out and other times he seems to be just sharing his feeling.
If letting him go and doing no contact is what it takes for him to work on himself and his issues. Yes, I am willing to do that. He offered to work with a counselor, "what ever it takes, to work it out". Was what he told me. I offered the same and to use the help of a counselor/therapist. His messages seem to go back and forth talking in the present and past tense.
At times he says he wants to work it out and other times he seems to be just sharing his feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He offered to work with a counselor, "what ever it takes, to work it out". Was what he told me. I offered the same and to use the help of a counselor/therapist.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It's just a choice of today.
Make an appt for therapy. Pick up the phone, schedule something. See what time frame that sets up. If that really speaks to you, go for it.
No Contact works for me because I knew in that one day I was ready for No Contact. That was a gut feel, protective move that started something good in my skillset.
From the first post on this thread, 10 months ago:
"I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away."
It can be extremely confusing to be in a dysfunctional relationship. The start of finding clarity is by simply taking new actions. As new experiences happen, such as therapy - alone or together- things will somehow start bringing clarity as we ask for that.
Make an appt for therapy. Pick up the phone, schedule something. See what time frame that sets up. If that really speaks to you, go for it.
No Contact works for me because I knew in that one day I was ready for No Contact. That was a gut feel, protective move that started something good in my skillset.
From the first post on this thread, 10 months ago:
"I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away."
It can be extremely confusing to be in a dysfunctional relationship. The start of finding clarity is by simply taking new actions. As new experiences happen, such as therapy - alone or together- things will somehow start bringing clarity as we ask for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by atalose 
OK, and where does that offer stand from the both of you? You both put in on the table, who’s going to take the next step in actually following through with it?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Waiting on someone else kept me waiting. And waiting. And waiting. 
All the options in the world mean nothing if a person isn't willing to step up and take action.
At recovery workshops my husband and I learned new methods of "Step up / Step back" in which he learned to step up in new ways and I learned to step back, do less for him.
Stepping back in my life takes many shapes. A pause. A step away from dangerous or chaotic situations. A deliberate choice to create space to allow new into my life.
When my husband steps up, it isn't my job to praise or correct anything that was done differently than how I see life. He gets to experience life through his his experiences. I get to experience life through mine.
In stepping back from many, many things I was entwined in, I'm using skills in stepping up for myself.
All the options in the world mean nothing if a person isn't willing to step up and take action.
At recovery workshops my husband and I learned new methods of "Step up / Step back" in which he learned to step up in new ways and I learned to step back, do less for him.
Stepping back in my life takes many shapes. A pause. A step away from dangerous or chaotic situations. A deliberate choice to create space to allow new into my life.
When my husband steps up, it isn't my job to praise or correct anything that was done differently than how I see life. He gets to experience life through his his experiences. I get to experience life through mine.
In stepping back from many, many things I was entwined in, I'm using skills in stepping up for myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Clarity
Originally Posted by Mango212
It's just a choice of today.
Make an appt for therapy. Pick up the phone, schedule something. See what time frame that sets up. If that really speaks to you, go for it.
No Contact works for me because I knew in that one day I was ready for No Contact. That was a gut feel, protective move that started something good in my skillset.
Mango212, thank you so much for your words. I have schedule therapy for me, I am not so sure how he feels about it at this point. I wrote an email and offered to do therapy and yhe didn’t give me an answer either way.
I am am currently doing the no contact. He replied to me via email last night and stated he thought I was done with him, which I was not. He later went on to share pictures with me of things he had been wanting to share with me but we were not talking. Then he wanted to know if I wanted him to send a video he had in his phone of pictures of us.
He he also was saying how hard the holidays will be without me, which was also what happened last year on the break up. Broke up almost to the same day last year.
From the first post on this thread, 10 months ago:
"I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away."
It can be extremely confusing to be in a dysfunctional relationship. The start of finding clarity is by simply taking new actions. As new experiences happen, such as therapy - alone or together- things will somehow start bringing clarity as we ask for that.
Make an appt for therapy. Pick up the phone, schedule something. See what time frame that sets up. If that really speaks to you, go for it.
No Contact works for me because I knew in that one day I was ready for No Contact. That was a gut feel, protective move that started something good in my skillset.
Mango212, thank you so much for your words. I have schedule therapy for me, I am not so sure how he feels about it at this point. I wrote an email and offered to do therapy and yhe didn’t give me an answer either way.
I am am currently doing the no contact. He replied to me via email last night and stated he thought I was done with him, which I was not. He later went on to share pictures with me of things he had been wanting to share with me but we were not talking. Then he wanted to know if I wanted him to send a video he had in his phone of pictures of us.
He he also was saying how hard the holidays will be without me, which was also what happened last year on the break up. Broke up almost to the same day last year.
From the first post on this thread, 10 months ago:
"I met the most amazing man , fell in love with him and now I am confused with our relationship ending and he pulled away."
It can be extremely confusing to be in a dysfunctional relationship. The start of finding clarity is by simply taking new actions. As new experiences happen, such as therapy - alone or together- things will somehow start bringing clarity as we ask for that.
Thank you you for sharing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Actions vs words
Originally Posted by Mango212
Waiting on someone else kept me waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
All the options in the world mean nothing if a person isn't willing to step up and take action.
At recovery workshops my husband and I learned new methods of "Step up / Step back" in which he learned to step up in new ways and I learned to step back, do less for him.
Stepping back in my life takes many shapes. A pause. A step away from dangerous or chaotic situations. A deliberate choice to create space to allow new into my life.
When my husband steps up, it isn't my job to praise or correct anything that was done differently than how I see life. He gets to experience life through his his experiences. I get to experience life through mine.
In stepping back from many, many things I was entwined in, I'm using skills in stepping up for myself.
All the options in the world mean nothing if a person isn't willing to step up and take action.
At recovery workshops my husband and I learned new methods of "Step up / Step back" in which he learned to step up in new ways and I learned to step back, do less for him.
Stepping back in my life takes many shapes. A pause. A step away from dangerous or chaotic situations. A deliberate choice to create space to allow new into my life.
When my husband steps up, it isn't my job to praise or correct anything that was done differently than how I see life. He gets to experience life through his his experiences. I get to experience life through mine.
In stepping back from many, many things I was entwined in, I'm using skills in stepping up for myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by atalose
OK, and where does that offer stand from the both of you? You both put in on the table, who’s going to take the next step in actually following through with it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Originally Posted by AIMH
I don’t want to wait and am afraid he has changed his mind about therapy. He goes back and forth letting me believe he wants to stay and work on us. He likes to run , to survive as he explains it to me. He says he loves me and misses me and thinks about me and he doesn’t want the break up. He says he needed to do it based on survival thing. Maybe not working his program enough...maybe he doesn’t feel a connection when we are apart and it causes him to feel withdrawal symptoms.
Your life is ticking away--look at the date of your first posts and reread them.
Nothing has changed.
You could have been using that time to heal yourself and to find a relationship that is healthy, equal, and liberating.
You deserve no less--not the crumbs you're getting now
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am willing to make the appt, not sure that he will be on board. Not sure what to do. Do I wait for him to reach out to me? I think he stepped away from the relationship to work on himself.
And since you do have doubts that he is not on board and that you think he’s stepped away from the relationship, it would be pointless for you to try and push that issue. His actions are telling you everything you really need to know.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am going to be blunt, and I am not saying this to hurt you b/c I know it's painful. Maybe he is just leading you on. His excuse to run and "survive" sounds like a pile of BS. That is just my two cents from someone looking inside from the outside.
Go and work on you so you can see you deserve better than this.
Again, I say this all kindly b/c I know it's painful.
I don’t want to wait and am afraid he has changed his mind about therapy. He goes back and forth letting me believe he wants to stay and work on us. He likes to run , to survive as he explains it to me. He says he loves me and misses me and thinks about me and he doesn’t want the break up. He says he needed to do it based on survival thing. Maybe not working his program enough...maybe he doesn’t feel a connection when we are apart and it causes him to feel withdrawal symptoms.
Go and work on you so you can see you deserve better than this.
Again, I say this all kindly b/c I know it's painful.
Originally Posted by AIMH
I don’t want to wait and am afraid he has changed his mind about therapy. He goes back and forth letting me believe he wants to stay and work on us. He likes to run , to survive as he explains it to me. He says he loves me and misses me and thinks about me and he doesn’t want the break up. He says he needed to do it based on survival thing. Maybe not working his program enough...maybe he doesn’t feel a connection when we are apart and it causes him to feel withdrawal symptoms.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by AIMH
I am willing to make the appt, not sure that he will be on board. Not sure what to do. Do I wait for him to reach out to me? I think he stepped away from the relationship to work on himself.
I don't know if it's all BS or not but from what you have said he certainly sounds unstable in a big way.
He's in the relationship he's out of the relationship. That's a terrible, terrible way to treat you.
What is this "survival" stuff he is talking about? Does this mean that he get overwhelmed and runs? If so that is just a disaster. You can't have a relationship with someone who keeps tapping out of the relationship. Well you can but this is the result, he pops in and commits and then drops away or breaks up.
As for his sponsor, he is a grown man and should certainly be able to make his own decisions. Sponsors are not counsellors, but even if they were, he should be able to make his own decisions.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
