Hopeful , yet hurting.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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In the 6 short months you’ve known him, what does his recovery program look like to you? How has he described it? What does it consist of? What value does he give to it?
What did he disclose to you about any of his previous relationships?
I would hate to see you retire to a toxic dysfunctional relationship where you believe you can change him or somehow your presents in his life could make a big difference or make him more committed to you then this.
What did he disclose to you about any of his previous relationships?
I would hate to see you retire to a toxic dysfunctional relationship where you believe you can change him or somehow your presents in his life could make a big difference or make him more committed to you then this.
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Originally Posted by AIMH 
Just 6 months.
So four months of over the top romance and then silence?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
When I first met him he explained that his recovery would come first and he seemed like he was going to his meetings and applying himself. He seemed to be very involved in his meetings. Did not speak too much about his sponsor. Seemed like he was trying to do things on his own. Do not believe he had any sponsorees. In the six months we were together he only attended two meetings when we spent time together. I know he attended meetings on his off days from work. I believe he needed to really work more at the steps and be more commited to the program. Felt like he knew what he was doing, but not really, arrogance was a big part of him at times in regards to the program. He seemed insecure and ow self esteem. I could see him confidant and insecure.
He told me of a relationship that lasted 3 years and that she had daddy issues and it was not going to work out.
Another relationship he described the woman as being a hot mess, with alcohol and drugs and he left.
His marriage was about 16 years before it ended.
I know that i can not change him. I do know that he was hurting when he broke up with me. We both cried on the phone. He said it was the hardest emotional thing he had done. I do believe that he is hurting and he does miss me . I dont know if he knew any other way to deal with how he was feeling. He does need to grow more to be able to be okay with me or with out me.
He told me of a relationship that lasted 3 years and that she had daddy issues and it was not going to work out.
Another relationship he described the woman as being a hot mess, with alcohol and drugs and he left.
His marriage was about 16 years before it ended.
I know that i can not change him. I do know that he was hurting when he broke up with me. We both cried on the phone. He said it was the hardest emotional thing he had done. I do believe that he is hurting and he does miss me . I dont know if he knew any other way to deal with how he was feeling. He does need to grow more to be able to be okay with me or with out me.
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6 months of over the top romance. Broke up two months ago for a total of 8 months. He did reach out to wish one of my kids good luck on a driving test about one week after the break up. He also reached out to me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 8
I think I understand what you are feeling. I am in a somewhat similar situation. It's been heartbreaking reading all of the posts that seem to doom any relationship that involves someone with past or current addiction issues. I believe that your bf was not trying to manipulate you, but that the intensity probably scared him (as others have said, the separation anxiety and neediness go hand in had with the types of mental illness that are linked to addiction) and made him realize he wasn't as healthy as he thought, and still has a longer road ahead of him before he can be in this kind of relationship. But, I also believe that everyone is different, and who knows what the future may bring? My parents made it through my father's alcoholism (which was already established when they met). They are going on 49 years of marriage - 56 years together. In the mean time I applaud you for continuing to not contact him and instead focus on yourself. That's a very hard thing to do when you feel the love of your life is just out of reach and if you could only lean in a little more...
I hope you find happiness whether with or without him.
I hope you find happiness whether with or without him.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
When I first met him he explained that his recovery would come first
Like the saying goes……………if it looks/sounds too good to be true it usually is.
Maybe you got the best of him in that short 6 months before his commitment issues surfaced.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by BBKazz
I think I understand what you are feeling. I am in a somewhat similar situation. It's been heartbreaking reading all of the posts that seem to doom any relationship that involves someone with past or current addiction issues. I believe that your bf was not trying to manipulate you, but that the intensity probably scared him (as others have said, the separation anxiety and neediness go hand in had with the types of mental illness that are linked to addiction) and made him realize he wasn't as healthy as he thought, and still has a longer road ahead of him before he can be in this kind of relationship. But, I also believe that everyone is different, and who knows what the future may bring? My parents made it through my father's alcoholism (which was already established when they met). They are going on 49 years of marriage - 56 years together. In the mean time I applaud you for continuing to not contact him and instead focus on yourself. That's a very hard thing to do when you feel the love of your life is just out of reach and if you could only lean in a little more...
I hope you find happiness whether with or without him.
I hope you find happiness whether with or without him.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I've been on all sides of this, and speaking from my experience as a drinker,
Yes, you are fragile and easily upset / angered but hey, that's life at times.
As the person dealing with the drunk, or sobered up drunk, my observation is that they are often simply not mature.
Drink is how they have / do cope with the discomfort of life situations,
and acting like a spoiled child has always worked in the past to get the pressure
off and make things easier for them.
That said, allowing such behavior is a delicate balance.
You want to be aware and sensitive in early recovery,
but on the other hand, it is a kind of enabling to allow
people to treat you in a way that is insensitive and unkind.
It doesn't do them any favors in the long term, it hurts you
both immediately and in the long term,
and it undermines--not heals--the relationship dynamic.
This is why you so often hear us suggest that you stay separate in early sobriety
or at least work on your recovery alone *the "stay in your own hula hoop" advice--
Is it "real" trauma the drinker feels? In many cases yes, but that doesn't excuse
it, and it certainly doesn't mean you should be a doormat and take it.
Does it mean they will "leave" you?
Sometimes. Lots of people want things to stay the same
and they want to be able to behave in a selfish way.
After all, they quit drinking because you demanded it, right?
If you don't treat yourself with the same loving kindness you are willing
to extend to your alcoholic, you do everyone involved a disservice, most especially
yourself.
Better alone and healthy than a whipping post for somebody else's addictive interpersonal dysfunction. . .
Yes, you are fragile and easily upset / angered but hey, that's life at times.
As the person dealing with the drunk, or sobered up drunk, my observation is that they are often simply not mature.
Drink is how they have / do cope with the discomfort of life situations,
and acting like a spoiled child has always worked in the past to get the pressure
off and make things easier for them.
That said, allowing such behavior is a delicate balance.
You want to be aware and sensitive in early recovery,
but on the other hand, it is a kind of enabling to allow
people to treat you in a way that is insensitive and unkind.
It doesn't do them any favors in the long term, it hurts you
both immediately and in the long term,
and it undermines--not heals--the relationship dynamic.
This is why you so often hear us suggest that you stay separate in early sobriety
or at least work on your recovery alone *the "stay in your own hula hoop" advice--
Is it "real" trauma the drinker feels? In many cases yes, but that doesn't excuse
it, and it certainly doesn't mean you should be a doormat and take it.
Does it mean they will "leave" you?
Sometimes. Lots of people want things to stay the same
and they want to be able to behave in a selfish way.
After all, they quit drinking because you demanded it, right?
If you don't treat yourself with the same loving kindness you are willing
to extend to your alcoholic, you do everyone involved a disservice, most especially
yourself.
Better alone and healthy than a whipping post for somebody else's addictive interpersonal dysfunction. . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Frustrated
It’s been awhile since I was here. The ex boyfriend reached out to me in Jan 2018. He explained a lot to me after an unexplained break up in sept 2017. So broke up for 3 months. He admitted that he was sober from alcohol since 2010, but did not share that he had just stopped taking/abusing prescription drugs until the month we found each other on a dating site 04-18. He said that when we started communicating he decided he wanted to stay sober, so he went cold turkey. The relationship those first few months were a bit rocky, but makes so much more sense now why things were hard.
So he worked on himself in AA and his sponsor said he thought he was ready for a relationship in Jan 2018. He reached out to me and explained what had happened. So of course I gave it another try. I Love this man with all my heart. Over the course of the last 9 months there has been a lot of jealousy in regards to my family and a lot of blaming and finger pointing at me for the way he is feeling. He says he gives love that I don’t give in return. I have seen a few anger issues and rants when things do go his way. We were looking at houses and spoke of being life partners.
Fast forward again, my mom fell and broke her nose and I over reacted because he did not come down on his days off to see me. He got unhappy because I did not text home back when he was asking to come down. He texted in a hurtful way so I did not respond to him for 3 days.
So because of a lack of communication over this and other incidents and his verbal attack’s I told him I could not allow this behavior and would it accept his outburst at me.
After a few days of no contact I called him and he broke up with me. We have been emailing back and forth and he wanted the break up, not me. His email is about sharing what he has done the last few days. Even sent pictures. Says he misses not being able to share with me since we weren’t talking. He said it is hard to not share with me , the person he held/holds dear to him. He even held off seeing a movie that we wanted to see together.
I am so confused how he wants to share things with me then pulls away and blames me for what has happened. He also removed most of my pics from Facebook but hasn’t changed his relationship status.
I am thinking he jumped into this relationship way too soon and needs to focus on his recovery .
So he worked on himself in AA and his sponsor said he thought he was ready for a relationship in Jan 2018. He reached out to me and explained what had happened. So of course I gave it another try. I Love this man with all my heart. Over the course of the last 9 months there has been a lot of jealousy in regards to my family and a lot of blaming and finger pointing at me for the way he is feeling. He says he gives love that I don’t give in return. I have seen a few anger issues and rants when things do go his way. We were looking at houses and spoke of being life partners.
Fast forward again, my mom fell and broke her nose and I over reacted because he did not come down on his days off to see me. He got unhappy because I did not text home back when he was asking to come down. He texted in a hurtful way so I did not respond to him for 3 days.
So because of a lack of communication over this and other incidents and his verbal attack’s I told him I could not allow this behavior and would it accept his outburst at me.
After a few days of no contact I called him and he broke up with me. We have been emailing back and forth and he wanted the break up, not me. His email is about sharing what he has done the last few days. Even sent pictures. Says he misses not being able to share with me since we weren’t talking. He said it is hard to not share with me , the person he held/holds dear to him. He even held off seeing a movie that we wanted to see together.
I am so confused how he wants to share things with me then pulls away and blames me for what has happened. He also removed most of my pics from Facebook but hasn’t changed his relationship status.
I am thinking he jumped into this relationship way too soon and needs to focus on his recovery .
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
I think you are right. He is obviously not in a mindset to be in any relationship and in fact this relationship doesn't sound like fun for either of you?
You mention you were upset that he didn't come down on his days off but then wanted to come down to see you and you didn't reply. Then the texts became hurtful so you cut him off for 3 days? So did he continue to try to contact you and you ignored him?
To be honest, this all sounds not very functional.
You mention you were upset that he didn't come down on his days off but then wanted to come down to see you and you didn't reply. Then the texts became hurtful so you cut him off for 3 days? So did he continue to try to contact you and you ignored him?
To be honest, this all sounds not very functional.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
His sponsor said he was ready for a relationship in January 2018 but didn't stop using until April 2018. Sounds like he isn't an honest person. It has been told a person needs at least a year of sobriety and seriously working a program to handle a relationship. It sounds like he's not there yet.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by AIMH
It’s been awhile since I was here. The ex boyfriend reached out to me in Jan 2018. He explained a lot to me after an unexplained break up in sept 2017. So broke up for 3 months. He admitted that he was sober from alcohol since 2010, but did not share that he had just stopped taking/abusing prescription drugs until the month we found each other on a dating site 04-18. He said that when we started communicating he decided he wanted to stay sober, so he went cold turkey. The relationship those first few months were a bit rocky, but makes so much more sense now why things were hard.
So he worked on himself in AA and his sponsor said he thought he was ready for a relationship in Jan 2018. He reached out to me and explained what had happened. So of course I gave it another try. I Love this man with all my heart. Over the course of the last 9 months there has been a lot of jealousy in regards to my family and a lot of blaming and finger pointing at me for the way he is feeling. He says he gives love that I don’t give in return. I have seen a few anger issues and rants when things do go his way. We were looking at houses and spoke of being life partners.
Fast forward again, my mom fell and broke her nose and I over reacted because he did not come down on his days off to see me. He got unhappy because I did not text home back when he was asking to come down. He texted in a hurtful way so I did not respond to him for 3 days.
So because of a lack of communication over this and other incidents and his verbal attack’s I told him I could not allow this behavior and would it accept his outburst at me.
After a few days of no contact I called him and he broke up with me. We have been emailing back and forth and he wanted the break up, not me. His email is about sharing what he has done the last few days. Even sent pictures. Says he misses not being able to share with me since we weren’t talking. He said it is hard to not share with me , the person he held/holds dear to him. He even held off seeing a movie that we wanted to see together.
I am so confused how he wants to share things with me then pulls away and blames me for what has happened. He also removed most of my pics from Facebook but hasn’t changed his relationship status.
I am thinking he jumped into this relationship way too soon and needs to focus on his recovery .
So he worked on himself in AA and his sponsor said he thought he was ready for a relationship in Jan 2018. He reached out to me and explained what had happened. So of course I gave it another try. I Love this man with all my heart. Over the course of the last 9 months there has been a lot of jealousy in regards to my family and a lot of blaming and finger pointing at me for the way he is feeling. He says he gives love that I don’t give in return. I have seen a few anger issues and rants when things do go his way. We were looking at houses and spoke of being life partners.
Fast forward again, my mom fell and broke her nose and I over reacted because he did not come down on his days off to see me. He got unhappy because I did not text home back when he was asking to come down. He texted in a hurtful way so I did not respond to him for 3 days.
So because of a lack of communication over this and other incidents and his verbal attack’s I told him I could not allow this behavior and would it accept his outburst at me.
After a few days of no contact I called him and he broke up with me. We have been emailing back and forth and he wanted the break up, not me. His email is about sharing what he has done the last few days. Even sent pictures. Says he misses not being able to share with me since we weren’t talking. He said it is hard to not share with me , the person he held/holds dear to him. He even held off seeing a movie that we wanted to see together.
I am so confused how he wants to share things with me then pulls away and blames me for what has happened. He also removed most of my pics from Facebook but hasn’t changed his relationship status.
I am thinking he jumped into this relationship way too soon and needs to focus on his recovery .
Originally Posted by trailmix
I think you are right. He is obviously not in a mindset to be in any relationship and in fact this relationship doesn't sound like fun for either of you?
You mention you were upset that he didn't come down on his days off but then wanted to come down to see you and you didn't reply. Then the texts became hurtful so you cut him off for 3 days? So did he continue to try to contact you and you ignored him?
To be honest, this all sounds not very functional.
You mention you were upset that he didn't come down on his days off but then wanted to come down to see you and you didn't reply. Then the texts became hurtful so you cut him off for 3 days? So did he continue to try to contact you and you ignored him?
To be honest, this all sounds not very functional.
Love him, and agree we both did not act very mature. Communication needed to be worked on, on my part.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry. He still does not sound like someone ready for a real partnership. It's rare that two individuals are able to work out their own issues within the context of a relationship. If you were not able to work things out on your own, the pressure of a relationship is not particularly conducive to anything but become more enmeshed and codependent together.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by hearthealth
His sponsor said he was ready for a relationship in January 2018 but didn't stop using until April 2018. Sounds like he isn't an honest person. It has been told a person needs at least a year of sobriety and seriously working a program to handle a relationship. It sounds like he's not there yet.
Just love the guy, I do want to support him any way I can.
He emailed saying he misses me and not being able to share things with me , the person he held/holds dearest to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I'm sorry. He still does not sound like someone ready for a real partnership. It's rare that two individuals are able to work out their own issues within the context of a relationship. If you were not able to work things out on your own, the pressure of a relationship is not particularly conducive to anything but become more enmeshed and codependent together.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Just love the guy, I do want to support him any way I can.
He emailed saying he misses me and not being able to share things with me , the person he held/holds dearest to him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 57
Hi and welcome. I am also a new poster after having read a lot of threads for awhile. My xab recently left me out of the blue. Coming here is helping me open my eyes and recover.
I had the same experience with him when we were apart - even just for a workday! (We lived together for about six months in his house). I think the most extreme was that we had barely started dating when he left for a trip to Russia that he had planned even before we met. After only a couple of days into his two week trip, he flew home just to be back with me. I was terrified of failing his high expectations and told him so, but he assured me it's what he needed.
A commenter on one of my posts pointed out that As sometimes have relationships to fill a hole they believe they have. Although we had discussed many times that we were looking for a strong complementary partnership, I often got the sense from him that he was expecting me to "complete" him. I stressed to him often that I have my own struggles (particularly toward the end when the depression and anxiety stemming from his issue and my refusing to back away from it kicked in) and that he would have to love who I am. Perhaps one of the most hurtful things in our split (besides it coming completely out of the blue) was that he offered as a reason he needed to find someone to marry. It couldn't have been more baldly stated that he needed a new better version replacement. Even the way he helped me pack my things up in his obsessively organized and spare place felt like an excision where he would simply plug in something new.
And I have to learn that that is on HIM. That I was a fantastic girlfriend, probably one of the best things that happened to him and he threw it away. And importantly, I need to feel grateful for being cast off.
I got off topic as to your original question and I don't want to make it out like your situation will end like mine did. But that type of clinginess and desperate missing was one thing I definitely experienced throughout and I would be a liar if I said it ever actually made me happy.
I had the same experience with him when we were apart - even just for a workday! (We lived together for about six months in his house). I think the most extreme was that we had barely started dating when he left for a trip to Russia that he had planned even before we met. After only a couple of days into his two week trip, he flew home just to be back with me. I was terrified of failing his high expectations and told him so, but he assured me it's what he needed.
A commenter on one of my posts pointed out that As sometimes have relationships to fill a hole they believe they have. Although we had discussed many times that we were looking for a strong complementary partnership, I often got the sense from him that he was expecting me to "complete" him. I stressed to him often that I have my own struggles (particularly toward the end when the depression and anxiety stemming from his issue and my refusing to back away from it kicked in) and that he would have to love who I am. Perhaps one of the most hurtful things in our split (besides it coming completely out of the blue) was that he offered as a reason he needed to find someone to marry. It couldn't have been more baldly stated that he needed a new better version replacement. Even the way he helped me pack my things up in his obsessively organized and spare place felt like an excision where he would simply plug in something new.
And I have to learn that that is on HIM. That I was a fantastic girlfriend, probably one of the best things that happened to him and he threw it away. And importantly, I need to feel grateful for being cast off.
I got off topic as to your original question and I don't want to make it out like your situation will end like mine did. But that type of clinginess and desperate missing was one thing I definitely experienced throughout and I would be a liar if I said it ever actually made me happy.
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