Everything feels worse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
Everything feels worse
Hi all. I haven't posted in a while, but have been busy making sh*t happen.
My STBXAH and I just sold our house and are moving out this weekend. I bought a house (go me!) and it will be great I think for a while. My old house was awesome but was too much to take care of. I significantly downsized here but it will allow me to be independent. Moving was hard though. Driving back and forth taking trips of my stuff I just cried. I thought I would live in that house forever. It was my forever home. I didn't want this.
STBXAH is getting worse. You all called it. He went from binge drinking monthly to now he is drinking (with various severity) up to a few times a week. He missed picking the kids up, he got drunk while our 3 year old was home with him with strep throat, he missed our court appointment. He's becoming less functioning and it's becoming more of a problem.
We had agreed on a 60/40 custody schedule that included Soberlink and the court thinks that is too much time for him. He is great with the kids (when he hasn't been drinking) and I've been trying to not create WWIII over custody but it might come to that because he will not roll over and accept less time with the kids.
I get sad about my parenting because I've been so distracted selling one house, buying another, anxious with his behaviors, I just don't feel like I'm on my A game with the kids.
I feel guilty that his drinking "is because I am leaving him". I read that is not the case but it feels like it. He used to try to control his drinking more than he is now. It's like he just doesn't care anymore.
I feel defeated because I feel like I will always have the cloud of him hanging over me. I went back on birth control for medical reasons and well....because we surely won't be having anymore kids and he saw the prescription wrapper in the garbage at our house (despite me even telling him I was for medical reasons) and he turned into an angry MONSTER. I feel like he will never accept me moving on and will punish me via the kids.
I also still feel incredibly ashamed of my pending divorce. I feel like a failure and I feel judged and like a joke. Most people still don't know.
And I feel sad because this isn't what I wanted. The glimpses I do see of him not wanting to drink and being the guy I married tear me up. They don't last long and he ends up angry or drunk or both. But it's hard.
Any words of encouragement or shared knowledge appreciated. Thanks all.
My STBXAH and I just sold our house and are moving out this weekend. I bought a house (go me!) and it will be great I think for a while. My old house was awesome but was too much to take care of. I significantly downsized here but it will allow me to be independent. Moving was hard though. Driving back and forth taking trips of my stuff I just cried. I thought I would live in that house forever. It was my forever home. I didn't want this.
STBXAH is getting worse. You all called it. He went from binge drinking monthly to now he is drinking (with various severity) up to a few times a week. He missed picking the kids up, he got drunk while our 3 year old was home with him with strep throat, he missed our court appointment. He's becoming less functioning and it's becoming more of a problem.
We had agreed on a 60/40 custody schedule that included Soberlink and the court thinks that is too much time for him. He is great with the kids (when he hasn't been drinking) and I've been trying to not create WWIII over custody but it might come to that because he will not roll over and accept less time with the kids.
I get sad about my parenting because I've been so distracted selling one house, buying another, anxious with his behaviors, I just don't feel like I'm on my A game with the kids.
I feel guilty that his drinking "is because I am leaving him". I read that is not the case but it feels like it. He used to try to control his drinking more than he is now. It's like he just doesn't care anymore.
I feel defeated because I feel like I will always have the cloud of him hanging over me. I went back on birth control for medical reasons and well....because we surely won't be having anymore kids and he saw the prescription wrapper in the garbage at our house (despite me even telling him I was for medical reasons) and he turned into an angry MONSTER. I feel like he will never accept me moving on and will punish me via the kids.
I also still feel incredibly ashamed of my pending divorce. I feel like a failure and I feel judged and like a joke. Most people still don't know.
And I feel sad because this isn't what I wanted. The glimpses I do see of him not wanting to drink and being the guy I married tear me up. They don't last long and he ends up angry or drunk or both. But it's hard.
Any words of encouragement or shared knowledge appreciated. Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
batchel, please don't inimize the magnitude of the changes in your life--telling yourself you should be doing or feeling better than you are is doing yourself a grave disservice.
You are doing what you know is best for yourself and your kids--as an adult that is your responsibility and you are doing the best you can (and doing a pretty fine job of it if you ask me).
Likewise, your STBXH is ALSO an adult, and doing the best for himself and his kids is HIS responsibility. There is nothing you can do to make him accept that everything that is happening to him is a consequence of his own actions and choices--but YOU can accept that, and the sooner the better.
The judgment that you perceive from others is rooted inside you. When you believe in yourself and know that you are doing the right thing, what anyone else thinks will not matter to you. Right now is the time to release the responsibility you have placed on yourself for everyone else's feelings and tend to your own.
Wherever possible, if you can limit your contact with him except to where it has to do with the kids, it will go a long way towards letting yourself off the hook for his feelings.
You are doing what you know is best for yourself and your kids--as an adult that is your responsibility and you are doing the best you can (and doing a pretty fine job of it if you ask me).
Likewise, your STBXH is ALSO an adult, and doing the best for himself and his kids is HIS responsibility. There is nothing you can do to make him accept that everything that is happening to him is a consequence of his own actions and choices--but YOU can accept that, and the sooner the better.
The judgment that you perceive from others is rooted inside you. When you believe in yourself and know that you are doing the right thing, what anyone else thinks will not matter to you. Right now is the time to release the responsibility you have placed on yourself for everyone else's feelings and tend to your own.
Wherever possible, if you can limit your contact with him except to where it has to do with the kids, it will go a long way towards letting yourself off the hook for his feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Originally Posted by batchel9 
I feel guilty that his drinking "is because I am leaving him". I read that is not the case but it feels like it. He used to try to control his drinking more than he is now. It's like he just doesn't care anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Dear Batchel-
Although it may not feel like it, you are doing great!
The only reason he drinks more because he does not feel like he has a reason to moderate - you are gone. Same happened with XAH - once I mentioned divorce to XAH - he ran away from rehab and went on the crazy binge with alcohol and drugs, complete with drug addicted girlfriend. Oi wei.
And about not being on your "A" game with the kids - I would park my son in front of television some days and cry in my bedroom in private - you are doing the best you can. Put oxygen mask on yourself first, take a bath, read a book. Kids won't regress into uncontrollable monsters.
Sounds like he is disentigrating pretty fast - is he asking for more custody? My XAH did not really fight for custody since he was completely off his rocker at the time of divorce. He is slowly getting back on track (sober, still crazy tho), so I am allowing for more visits - but the way it is written is that I can pull visits whenever it becomes unsafe. I did want to be supportive because he is great with our son when sober - but I also wanted protection in case he goes off the deep end again
Anyway - sorry you are going through this, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel
Although it may not feel like it, you are doing great!
The only reason he drinks more because he does not feel like he has a reason to moderate - you are gone. Same happened with XAH - once I mentioned divorce to XAH - he ran away from rehab and went on the crazy binge with alcohol and drugs, complete with drug addicted girlfriend. Oi wei.
And about not being on your "A" game with the kids - I would park my son in front of television some days and cry in my bedroom in private - you are doing the best you can. Put oxygen mask on yourself first, take a bath, read a book. Kids won't regress into uncontrollable monsters.
Sounds like he is disentigrating pretty fast - is he asking for more custody? My XAH did not really fight for custody since he was completely off his rocker at the time of divorce. He is slowly getting back on track (sober, still crazy tho), so I am allowing for more visits - but the way it is written is that I can pull visits whenever it becomes unsafe. I did want to be supportive because he is great with our son when sober - but I also wanted protection in case he goes off the deep end again
Anyway - sorry you are going through this, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Repeat after me:
This is not my fault.
This is not my fault.
This is not my FAULT!
Foot stamp if appropriate.
You are doing the very best you can for you and the kids.
And it’s plenty good enough.
Even without the drink, your spouse sounds very controlling.
We all deserve someone who loves us, listens to us, and doesnt try to control us.
Keep moving forward. You are doing fine.
This is not my fault.
This is not my fault.
This is not my FAULT!
Foot stamp if appropriate.
You are doing the very best you can for you and the kids.
And it’s plenty good enough.
Even without the drink, your spouse sounds very controlling.
We all deserve someone who loves us, listens to us, and doesnt try to control us.
Keep moving forward. You are doing fine.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by batchel9
I also still feel incredibly ashamed of my pending divorce. I feel like a failure and I feel judged and like a joke. Most people still don't know.
Thanks all.
Thanks all.
You're doing well getting so organized and getting your new place, good for you.
As for your shame about your divorce, where does that come from? Even if your life's wish was to marry an alcoholic (and I don't imagine it was) the reality of it is that it's bad for children, very bad.
My Father was an alcoholic. I'm no victim and i'm all grown up but I don't think I fully realized the effect it had on me until fairly recently. The problem is when children grow up seeing dysfunction it becomes normal to them. Men yell at women at the drop of a hat in a rage? Nothing weird about that, unpleasant, - sure, but not out of the norm.
You get my drift and i'm sure you have thought about all this and that is probably one of the main reasons you are leaving.
There is no shame in that. You should be proud of yourself, what you are doing takes courage. Are you ashamed you married someone who is an alcoholic? No shame there either, it can happen to the best of people (as you know from reading other people's stories here).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I feel guilty that his drinking "is because I am leaving him".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
NYCDoglvr has it right, batchel.
He drinks because he drinks.
Big triple decker sundae for the addict if he/she can find someone else to blame for his/her actions.
Also, sometimes, my opinion only, mind, I believe the addict is so relieved that the pressure to stop drinking or drink less is off because the partner is leaving with the kids that he/she drinks to the level they would if left to own devices.
Which is...more.
Alcohol addicts don’t think like other people.
Most people would be devastated that their behavior has pushed away the people who love them, and would do anything, anything to make things right.
Addicts just drink over it.
Peace.
He drinks because he drinks.
Big triple decker sundae for the addict if he/she can find someone else to blame for his/her actions.
Also, sometimes, my opinion only, mind, I believe the addict is so relieved that the pressure to stop drinking or drink less is off because the partner is leaving with the kids that he/she drinks to the level they would if left to own devices.
Which is...more.
Alcohol addicts don’t think like other people.
Most people would be devastated that their behavior has pushed away the people who love them, and would do anything, anything to make things right.
Addicts just drink over it.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
As for not being on your A game with the kids ... I have a feeling that your "B" or "C" game is as good as lots of people's A-games. You're in a marathon, not a sprint, and if focusing on getting houses bought and sold is what you need to do in order to secure your family's long-term future, then you're doing the right thing. My kid spends a lot more time watching movies on her phone than is ideal, but I'm a full-time single parent and I need to a) get work done (paid and unpaid); b) have some kind of down-time for myself so I don't lose my mind. Parenting is going to be different when you're the only parent - not worse, just different.
In many ways you are indeed going to have the shadow of the alcoholic ex hanging over you for years, because of the kids - and some days it will be easy and some days it will be hard. It's impossible to know what the future holds but it doesn't sound like he is on track to any kind of recovery.
However, even the shadow of an alcoholic ex is much, much better than living with an alcoholic spouse. You are carving out your own life which he can't get into, even if you do have to interact around the kids. You can literally shut the door and keep him out of your house, which you couldn't do before.
In many ways you are indeed going to have the shadow of the alcoholic ex hanging over you for years, because of the kids - and some days it will be easy and some days it will be hard. It's impossible to know what the future holds but it doesn't sound like he is on track to any kind of recovery.
However, even the shadow of an alcoholic ex is much, much better than living with an alcoholic spouse. You are carving out your own life which he can't get into, even if you do have to interact around the kids. You can literally shut the door and keep him out of your house, which you couldn't do before.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Batchel - Thank you for posting and thanks to everyone else for responding. I've had a couple of challenging weekends in a row with my X and a couple of divorce related things and reading this really helped this evening.
Batchel - You are doing great. What you're dealing with right now is so hard, but you are keeping it together. Please give yourself some credit. Sometimes just surviving is a major feat in and of itself. Have a good week!
Batchel - You are doing great. What you're dealing with right now is so hard, but you are keeping it together. Please give yourself some credit. Sometimes just surviving is a major feat in and of itself. Have a good week!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
I heartily second Sasha above. I have not been on my A game with my kids because I've been in an intense career training program. I moved my study area to our kitchen table so I at least could be in the same vicinity as them, but I've had SO much schoolwork to do... Frozen pizzas, cereal, Ramen noodles... We have survived. They know I'm working on building a future for us.
Hugs to you...
Hugs to you...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
B,
Sounds like you have gotten a good pep talk from the other posters. Are you doing the best you can... absolutely. Cut yourself some slack as you will no longer have the stress of an active addict in your home any longer.
Deep breaths, don't get out of your pj's on your days off, try and relax. Life will slowly fall into place. Sending hugs, you are doing great!!
Sounds like you have gotten a good pep talk from the other posters. Are you doing the best you can... absolutely. Cut yourself some slack as you will no longer have the stress of an active addict in your home any longer.
Deep breaths, don't get out of your pj's on your days off, try and relax. Life will slowly fall into place. Sending hugs, you are doing great!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
