Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

Trust your mama bear instincts.... and keep in mind that it's a JOURNEY not a race. One day at a time, not everything all at once.

FireSprite

Refresh my memory Sasha - what do you do in terms of recovery for yourself?

I ask because my voices quieted in direct relation to the amount of time & effort I put into hearing & healing them, independently of any qualifying issues around me. Do you spend as much/more time on yourself in that way as you do tap-dancing around him & his antics, mentally & physically?

If this was me I'd be asking myself "How long can I sustain this level of Crazy?".... "How long am I willing to tolerate this?" .... "How far am I going to let this go?"

I think you have to accept the Reality that you just may have to cut him off Sasha - it's not doing DD any good to go through constant volatility & it's conditioning her on exactly how to push those same buttons. He is increasingly unstable & getting worse as time progresses, where is YOUR limit? Bio Dad or not, toxic is toxic -it's not a DNA-Pass to create chaos in your kid's lives, which is exactly what THIS sounds like to me:

Would this be easier/better for DD somehow? I know she's hostile about all of this the majority of the time but like I tell my daughter, "I'll chance you hating me forever if it means protecting you now when you aren't grown & mature enough to see the Big Picture of these decisions. I'm your mother first, your friend 2nd. Always."

Have you shared with her that your perspective has completely changed & why? It's no wonder she's confused if the two of you were a "united front" sharing this game plan just a year ago. That's not so long ago in her world.

Sasha1972

For myself - weekly AlAnon meetings, and I've found a sponsor (who I think is really great) - trying to work the Steps with her but at the moment I'm stuck on #2. I had the opportunity to join a formal step study this fall but didn't take it and now I'm wishing I had.

Sometimes I find myself doubting my sense of reality after dealing with ex, because he treats crazy as though it were normal, and this group is really helpful for reinforcing that I am not overreacting, imagining things, etc etc.

As for cutting ex completely out of Kid's life - I wish I could do that, but there are reasons why I think I can't, not just yet.

Psychologically - doing so would set me up in Kid's mind as the enemy, who is separating her from her dad. Maybe in ten years she would understand why, but I'm really cautious about heading into the tempestuous teenage years with this huge grievance (and I know ex would make sure it is a huge grievance) between us.

Legally - I have talked to my lawyer about whether I would be successful in a bid for sole custody (which would enable me to completely dispense with ex) and his opinion is that it's not bad enough yet. Ex hasn't put Kid in physical danger (I would argue that yes he has, he's tried to drive drunk with her, but my lawyer's opinion is that one [known] incident isn't enough to seal the deal with sole custody), and he hasn't physically threatened or harmed me (lots of insinuations, but no smoking gun yet).

So the situation is bad enough to be concerned about, but not so bad yet as to guarantee that I would get sole custody if I went in front of a judge - and I agree with my lawyer that the worst thing would be to launch a bid for sole custody and fail. If I do this, it has to be a lock. What I'm working on now is an order specifying that Kid's primary residence is with me, so ex can't harass me about not getting enough time with her, and so that he has to pay child support.