Pushed away and shut out by my recovering boyfriend

Old 01-05-2012, 12:18 AM
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Unhappy Pushed away and shut out by my recovering boyfriend

Please Help! I need advice. My family and friends do not seem to understand my situation.
In June 2010, I met my currently ex-boyfriend. From day 1 we liked each other but did not date right away and we became best friends who liked each other. About a week after I met him, he told me he was an alcoholic but previous treatment programs didnt work. I saw alot of good qualities in him and decided to not exclusively date him but keep being "best friends that liked each other". We grew very close and shared alot of personal stories and emotional experiences. In Aug. 2010, he went away to rehab for an intense nine month program in New Mexico. For the first six months of the program, he had no cell phone or computer so he started writing me love letters. We wrote love letters back and forth until he got his phone back and then we decided to exclusively date one another. He was so open, understanding, helpful with problems in my life, and loving. He seemed like the most amazing person I'd ever met. He even told me he loved me before he even came home. When he came home in June 2011, we started exclusively dating. He was emotionally available, calm, and happy. His parents said they hadn't seen him like this in years (since he first drank). We had the most amazing summer together and were totally in love. We both thought we would get married someday. He made plans in the fall to attend college and picked a program that meant alot to him. I planned on going away to veterinary school in Missouri (were both originally from Chicago). We both agreed not to break up and we'd make it work because our relationship was so strong and we were in love. Once he went away to school, things went down hill. The stress of school was too much for him and he slipped and drank one night. His drinking led to him being arrested and kicked out of his college program that he wanted to do so bad. I remained supportive as always. As soon as a few weeks later, I noticed he wasnt as happy anymore. He started slacking in maintaining our relationship and a month later freaked out at me over something that shouldnt be a big deal. He threatened to break up and said he wanted to think about it. The next day he said he realized hes been just upset about reworking his steps and the process of his recovery and he just needs to be more open with me. Things got better for a week or two then went downhill even more. Another month later, my brother was in the hospital and i was upset about it. He freaked out again at me and said obviously things werent working between us, and he wanted space for a while. He blamed it on me being away (about 7 hr drive) at school. Eventually he came back around but things got worse. Two weeks later he said "I love you and do not want to lose you but I cannot have a girlfriend right now so i dont know what i want". I was hurt but he stayed with me and things of course got worse. He seemed to not be emotionally connected with me anymore. He put in VERY little effort to our relationship and could not handle me having even the slightest bit of stress in my life. When I came home two weeks ago for break, he went from being loving one minute to acting like he didnt care about me the next. He treated our sexual life like I was a booty call. Then he finally just broke up with me. After a day of blaming me, He said "I was a bad boyfriend so why drag you down with me. I am not myself and need to figure my life out and what I want from life but I still love you." He wouldn't give me straight answers about the future or if I should hang on or let go and gave me mixed signals by still saying he loved me and his heart is still mine to not even saying I love you the next day. He told me he wanted to continue being just friends (which I cannot do without wanting him back and being in love). I am not sure what to do at this point. As a recovering alcoholic, is there hope that he can get over whatever he is going through? (he told me he needs to do his stepwork and go to meetings which may help) I know there is nothing I can do and he needs to help himself, but is it even possible for him to be back how he was this summer??? Is there a point to me holding on or should I just let go and move on in life??? I want him back, not now but after he works on himself if thats even possible. I just miss the happy loving understanding person I fell in love with. He was my best friend and we understood each other so well. I dont want to quit on him but I am hurting too bad to be just friends right now. Does anyone have any experience with emotionally shutting people out and distancing loved ones until they push them out of their lives during their recovery process?? Will he ever be able to maintain a relationship? I am the only friend he honestly has besides his sponsor and I am the only non-family member who hasn't given up on him from when he was still drinking to now. Any advice would be extremely appreciated. Also thanks for your time, I know this was long.

Also, If it helps, I have NO experience with alcoholism, and only recently found out about al-anon but don't see the point now that were broken up. He is 20 years old and I am 23.
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Old 01-05-2012, 01:18 AM
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Not only is he relatively new to recovery, he also was kicked out of school and has to figure out -for himself- where to go from there. What he is going to do with his life. I'm sure he is depressed about having messed up and getting himself kicked out of school, I know I would be.

The guy has a lot on his plate. He has asked that you let him sort it all out. Respect that.

I would think you have a lot on your plate too. Veterinary school?
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:48 AM
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I was married for five years. In the first two weeks I realized I was married to someone who struggled with alcohol. I did not go to Al-anon then.

A couple of days after our five year anniversary I finally went. It has been a lifesaver for me. We were together another four months after that, and then separated/working on divorce/divorced coming up on 17mths ago and I still regularly attend Al-anon.

It has helped me to sort out what is mine and what is not in this relationship, and honestly with others in my life who don't have substance abuse problems. It has helped me learn about addiction and alcoholism and not feel alone. For me the traits that got me into the relationship with an problem drinker were there before the relationship....and I am afraid of a repeat. Al-anon gives me the grounding in myself to know that I will be okay.

Not everyone finds a meeting that works right away. The common saying is try six meetings before you decide if it is for you or not. They all have a different feel.
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Old 01-05-2012, 05:57 AM
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wow, 20 and 23. you're both very young. you may just end up chalking this as a "summer romance" and move on. Either way, it looks like some space is needed since he has no clue what he wants.

Being around you "clueless" is not going to help him. He has to grow up and learn there are consequences to every action and every decision he makes.

It's not going to happen over night.

For some of us it's a life time process.
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Old 01-05-2012, 08:03 AM
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DVM, I'm only gonna say you should focus on your degree. Becoming a doctor in any field of study was in the planning stages years before you were accepted as a student. Remember your goals and he will work on his. I am currently working on mine with my wife of 21 years leaving us ( I have 3 kids ages 17 to 20). Its tough for me to focus on getting my life back together and I'm not even in school. I know how hard it is for you in more ways than one.... My wife left because of alcohol and my father was a veterinarian. Its tough enough getting through the vet program let alone juggling a good relationship without hangups. Let him do his thing and you do yours, atleast until you complete YOUR goal. A big hug and reassurring smile to you....now go get that doctorate, you'll be glad you did!
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Old 01-05-2012, 10:24 AM
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DVM2015: What a great goal for you!!

Ah, see? His heart isn't his to give to you or anyone else right now. He's looking for it, and with a recovering A, there is no guarantee of if/when they will even find it.

I'm sorry you're going through this trouble. Focus on what's good in YOUR life, and find out about Al-anon nearby. The face to face support is immeasurable in its worth!
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Sail48 View Post
DVM, I'm only gonna say you should focus on your degree. Becoming a doctor in any field of study was in the planning stages years before you were accepted as a student. Remember your goals and he will work on his. I am currently working on mine with my wife of 21 years leaving us ( I have 3 kids ages 17 to 20). Its tough for me to focus on getting my life back together and I'm not even in school. I know how hard it is for you in more ways than one.... My wife left because of alcohol and my father was a veterinarian. Its tough enough getting through the vet program let alone juggling a good relationship without hangups. Let him do his thing and you do yours, atleast until you complete YOUR goal. A big hug and reassurring smile to you....now go get that doctorate, you'll be glad you did!
Thank you for the positive support. I know I cant let this blow my school because ive wanted to be a veterinarian since I was like 5. I've had other relationships fall through because of me being away for school. This one is just so much more important to me because we both were so in love and had such a good friendship for such a long time... so I'm trying to focus on me but still have hope that he may be able to work on himself especially since hes so young. I just have no other experience with alcoholics so I dont know if what he is going through is something he can even work on and get over in the future or if he will be like this forever....? Everyone around me though wants me to just move on and not love him anymore so its hard. Honestly trying to move on or even not focus on him is tougher than being in vet school.
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:14 PM
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Not a summer romance for sure

Originally Posted by kiki5711 View Post
wow, 20 and 23. you're both very young. you may just end up chalking this as a "summer romance" and move on. Either way, it looks like some space is needed since he has no clue what he wants.

Being around you "clueless" is not going to help him. He has to grow up and learn there are consequences to every action and every decision he makes.

It's not going to happen over night.

For some of us it's a life time process.
This definitely was not summer romance. I may be young but Ive had that before and I know what thats like. The things that we have been there for each other in the past year and a half with me being in a high stress environment with school and him going through drinking then rehab and being sober is not just a summer romance. We were best friends and romantically involved for the past year and a half, even while he was in rehab. I didnt quit on him or run away from his issues. I was supportive and I know if it was just a "summer romance" that I would not have put up with his issues and it wouldnt have gone on for a yr and a half. He had no other people besides his family not give up on him. I was his only friend. But I do agree with you that he should accept responsibility for his actions. He is going to lose me if he can't get his life together. He can't even be a friend to me anymore because he is too shut off from everything to even have any emotions. All he can do is work and meetings. I feel bad for him, but I also don't deserve to be treated poorly while he gets his life together. Its sad he had to lose everything he had going for him with school, and me as a friend and a girlfriend. I just hope he can realize it before he hurts me more or loses me forever :/
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
DVM2015: What a great goal for you!!

Ah, see? His heart isn't his to give to you or anyone else right now. He's looking for it, and with a recovering A, there is no guarantee of if/when they will even find it.

I'm sorry you're going through this trouble. Focus on what's good in YOUR life, and find out about Al-anon nearby. The face to face support is immeasurable in its worth!
To Skippernlilg: do you have any experience with recovering alcoholics shutting people they love?? Id like to hear if anyone else ever got over that difficult stage in their recovery or if that is common with recovering alcoholics. With so many unknowns, I dont wanna close all doors but I dont wanna remain hopeful and then get hurt. Also... we arent even speaking as of now because its too painful for me. Do you think an Al-anon meeting would help even though hes not physically in my life anymore? I feel as if maybe its too late for that but I dont have experience or know about that much either.
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:23 PM
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Also if anyone has an experience with recovering Alcoholics shutting loved ones out and could offer some advice about that, i would greatly appreciate it. I just want to know if having hope is being too optimistic or if this is typically something that not many get over. It would help in deciding whether to hang on or let go.
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
DVM2015: What a great goal for you!!

Ah, see? His heart isn't his to give to you or anyone else right now. He's looking for it, and with a recovering A, there is no guarantee of if/when they will even find it.

I'm sorry you're going through this trouble. Focus on what's good in YOUR life, and find out about Al-anon nearby. The face to face support is immeasurable in its worth!
:ditto:

His life is a mess right now. If he wants to get it in order he has to focus on that and not a relationship. I'm sorry I know that is hard for you. Alcoholism is forever. It is a really really big deal and recovery from alcoholism is a long range intensive thing. His conflicting messages aren't a reflection of you. They are a reflection of the war in his head. The voice of addiction is speaking very loudly to him and if he is going to maintain his recovery he is going to have to work very very hard. There isn't room for anything else right now. Only his sponsor and recovery program can help him with that.

Also, none of us go back to the way we were. Life experiences change who we are - and that is how it should be. Keep moving forward in your life. Make your life the best it can be based on the choices you make each day. Watch out for your own best interests. You are responsible for that.

He has let you go, and as painful as that is right now it was a good thing for him to do because he is falling apart at the seams. The goal for all of us is not to look back over our shoulder, but to look forward. Thoughts going out to you during this painful time.
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
:ditto:

His life is a mess right now. If he wants to get it in order he has to focus on that and not a relationship. I'm sorry I know that is hard for you. Alcoholism is forever. It is a really really big deal and recovery from alcoholism is a long range intensive thing. His conflicting messages aren't a reflection of you. They are a reflection of the war in his head. The voice of addiction is speaking very loudly to him and if he is going to maintain his recovery he is going to have to work very very hard. There isn't room for anything else right now. Only his sponsor and recovery program can help him with that.

Also, none of us go back to the way we were. Life experiences change who we are - and that is how it should be. Keep moving forward in your life. Make your life the best it can be based on the choices you make each day. Watch out for your own best interests. You are responsible for that.

He has let you go, and as painful as that is right now it was a good thing for him to do because he is falling apart at the seams. The goal for all of us is not to look back over our shoulder, but to look forward. Thoughts going out to you during this painful time.
I dont know how sponsors and AA programs work. I don't mean this to be selfish because I know he needs to work on himself and his sobriety which is and always should be number one in his life. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact he shut me out like I was nothing when I supported him and helped him when no one else did AND we were both head over heels in love until he slipped and became depressed. We were best friends and the only people who understood each other. I know for now he cannot focus on anything but himself and I accept and understand that because i want him to succeed in his recovery... but if the goal of recovery is to look forward and not back, then even if I was a positive influence on him and he shut me out, then they will tell him and help him to just forget about me because "im the past"??? He already told me his sponsor told him not to get back with me and told him to break up with me. I did nothing but help him and now it seems like everyone is tellin him to move on and forget me and everything we had forever. But then again... I dont know what he thinks or feels anymore and he cant tell me because he is too messed up so i dont know if i should keep the door open for any possibility. (if theres even any hope that he finds himself again- his parents told me this summer that they havent seen him like that in years so i know that was the real him) I am just so confused. I guess because i dont know what to expect. i cant stand losing him. Im losing myself over him and its so depressing.
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:43 PM
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I meant you should look forward, not back over your shoulder. To me looking forward doesn't mean erasing the past or fogetting it, it just means that you keep moving one foot in front of the other. There is no life sitting in limbo over what if's and maybe's and hope - waiting for things to go back to the way they were nearly a year ago.

If you are losing yourself over him then that is something to work on. Al-anon may help. Some short term counseling may help. I had a counselor for a short time when my relationship was ending and it helped soooo much.

You realize that for him to 'get himself together' it will take at least a year. Please do not put yourself in that limbo for a year. And that is if he gets it together. Quite honestly, the odds are tough.

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum? There is a lot of good information there about alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics. I found them very helpful when I first came here.
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Old 01-05-2012, 07:53 PM
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DVM,

You are telling my story from a little over 3 months ago and I, too, had no prior experience with an alcoholic. Losing my ABF was NOT going to be an option for me. I just couldn't fathom life without him. His disease progressed very quickly and I strongly believe he would not have lived through another year had he not lost control to such a degree where the only place left to go was back home with his parents. He was not ready to go to rehab. He absolutely refused to go. Instead, he is living at home, holding down a part-time job, working his program and trying to save his life. The first 6 weeks after he moved away our relationship stayed intact. In fact, it was a huge relief because I no longer had to worry about him or live with an active alcoholic, and he was getting the help he needs. We recommitted to our relationship and wrote letters several times a week and spoke several times a day. The last letter I received from him he thanked me for sticking by him when he no longer believed in himself, for recognizing his problem way before he did, and that he cannot wait to spend healthy time with me as soon as possible. 4 days later he called and put our relationship on a break. Just like that. It was only then I realized how sick and codependent I had become with him. I hit my rock bottom several days later. I was inconsolable. I wanted to grab on as tight as possible and never let go.

We've talked only once since.

Fast forward 3.5 months later - I am just starting to find balance and peace in my life. I can go for most of the day on most days without thinking about him. I attend 2-3 Al-Anon meetings per week and dedicate a part of my day each day actively working on my recovery and step work. I see a therapist. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally gotten to a place where I can see my relationship with him from a better perspective. I have had to relearn how to take care of myself all over again and I'm finally feeling great, and remember feeling how exhausted, frustrated, depressed and anxious I was when I lived with my ABF. Yes, I still miss him. I miss the good times we had over the years. I miss the companionship and love we shared. I miss my best friend. But there is a lot more I do not miss and I am only able to see that now that I've found a bit of serenity. Sure, I know he is in recovery but the thought of a future relationship with him knowing he could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I'm not willing to take.

I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself the same question you've been posing...is it wrong to hold onto the hope of a future relationship and risk being let down? I don't know if I could answer that question myself, yet, but I do know that my life needs to be my focus now and that more will be revealed when it's meant to be known. I never would have imagined saying that just 3 months ago.

It sounds like you have a wonderful goal you are investing in!

Hugs to you.
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Old 01-05-2012, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by runningforlife View Post
DVM,

You are telling my story from a little over 3 months ago and I, too, had no prior experience with an alcoholic. Losing my ABF was NOT going to be an option for me. I just couldn't fathom life without him. His disease progressed very quickly and I strongly believe he would not have lived through another year had he not lost control to such a degree where the only place left to go was back home with his parents. He was not ready to go to rehab. He absolutely refused to go. Instead, he is living at home, holding down a part-time job, working his program and trying to save his life. The first 6 weeks after he moved away our relationship stayed intact. In fact, it was a huge relief because I no longer had to worry about him or live with an active alcoholic, and he was getting the help he needs. We recommitted to our relationship and wrote letters several times a week and spoke several times a day. The last letter I received from him he thanked me for sticking by him when he no longer believed in himself, for recognizing his problem way before he did, and that he cannot wait to spend healthy time with me as soon as possible. 4 days later he called and put our relationship on a break. Just like that. It was only then I realized how sick and codependent I had become with him. I hit my rock bottom several days later. I was inconsolable. I wanted to grab on as tight as possible and never let go.

We've talked only once since.

Fast forward 3.5 months later - I am just starting to find balance and peace in my life. I can go for most of the day on most days without thinking about him. I attend 2-3 Al-Anon meetings per week and dedicate a part of my day each day actively working on my recovery and step work. I see a therapist. It has taken a lot of work but I have finally gotten to a place where I can see my relationship with him from a better perspective. I have had to relearn how to take care of myself all over again and I'm finally feeling great, and remember feeling how exhausted, frustrated, depressed and anxious I was when I lived with my ABF. Yes, I still miss him. I miss the good times we had over the years. I miss the companionship and love we shared. I miss my best friend. But there is a lot more I do not miss and I am only able to see that now that I've found a bit of serenity. Sure, I know he is in recovery but the thought of a future relationship with him knowing he could relapse at any time is feeling more and more like a risk I'm not willing to take.

I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself the same question you've been posing...is it wrong to hold onto the hope of a future relationship and risk being let down? I don't know if I could answer that question myself, yet, but I do know that my life needs to be my focus now and that more will be revealed when it's meant to be known. I never would have imagined saying that just 3 months ago.

It sounds like you have a wonderful goal you are investing in!

Hugs to you.
As awful as it is, its calming to hear someone has been in this spot. I already see a psychologist for anxiety and depression which i was diagnosed with a year and a half ago when I first met him. They just put me on meds from a psychiatrist about 4 months ago but cant find the right ones so the week before he broke up with me, i was on a new kind which didnt work n made things even worse.

Even though i really liked him, I stayed just friends with my ex when he went to rehab for those 9 months. Somehow I had the patience to leave the future up to God. After rehab, he came back stronger than ever. Completely happy, loving himself, life, me, and proud of his recovery. Everything was amazing until his slip which was for only one night and he hasnt drank since and that was in september. (It was preceded by him not going to meetings and spending all his time with me) I think his main problem right now is his depression, and anxiety. I think hes mad at himself for messing up school and ruining the 11 months of sobriety he had. I told my psychologist about everything while balling my eyes out on Tuesday but she surprisingly did not help or give me any hope which just made me feel worse. I think I am going to try to attend an ala-non meeting tomorrow night. Its been a week and a half and it feels like forever. Hes talked to me a few times but acts really distant, and Im thinking of telling him i need space and time to get over the pain before talking. Do attending ala-non meetings help you even though he is not talking to you anymore?? Also why do you do step work?? Are you recovering as well? or can anyone do step work?? Does it help?? Sorry i have no idea.... Kinda like you, I do want a relationship with him again, but dont want to be led on or hurt in the future. I only want him back if he truly gets his life together and manages his depression and remains sober. I guess that involves trust on my part too. As of now tho, Im just trying to get thru day by day and not screw up my school which i worked hard to get to this point. I wish there were more success stories to give hope to people like us that it is possible for things to work out in the future... I know the future is unknown but I know we still do love each other but he cant handle a relationship. I guess all I can do is leave it up to fate. (altho its impossible to imagine life without him in the future. He was the first bf i thought was really "the one" and he told me he felt the same about me) Im sorry for what youve been through. I know how awful it is. I wish you the best, and the best for your ex as well.
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Old 01-05-2012, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I meant you should look forward, not back over your shoulder. To me looking forward doesn't mean erasing the past or fogetting it, it just means that you keep moving one foot in front of the other. There is no life sitting in limbo over what if's and maybe's and hope - waiting for things to go back to the way they were nearly a year ago.

If you are losing yourself over him then that is something to work on. Al-anon may help. Some short term counseling may help. I had a counselor for a short time when my relationship was ending and it helped soooo much.

You realize that for him to 'get himself together' it will take at least a year. Please do not put yourself in that limbo for a year. And that is if he gets it together. Quite honestly, the odds are tough.

Have you read the stickies at the top of this forum? There is a lot of good information there about alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics. I found them very helpful when I first came here.
I already see a psychologist and psychiatrist and am also on meds for anxiety and depression. But have not found the right meds yet. He broke up with me the first week of trying a med that made me even worse than I was. My psychologist however was not much help this week and actually made me feel worse. I'm not even sure what point she was trying to make. I have a bad habit of hanging on to boyfriends I love. (this happened before and I was continuously hurt and played games with for 2 and a half years before I finally gave up) I dont know why I let people treat me like that. I know it will take him a while to get his life together. Although he hasnt drank in 5 months, I know he needs to learn how to cope, deal with stress, and manage his anxiety and depression... and to forgive himself. I will not drop out of school or anything extreme like that for him but I just wish I could have some hope that things may work out in the future between us. It seems like everyone feels the opposite tho. My only hope is from knowing his mom and dad. His dad is a recovering alcoholic and has been with his mom for over 25 years, and he does reasonably well, maintains a relationship with his wife and kids, and holds an excellent job. Thats all I've seen of happy relationships working out with alcoholics altho im sure there are others.

Also I can't find the stickies at the top you are describing?? Where would they be?
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Old 01-05-2012, 09:21 PM
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If you go to the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum there are a number of threads that are separated from the active ones. Most have locks on them. They are called stickeis because they are 'stuck' up there at the top so they never go away.

The couselor I saw specialized in addictions and understood codependency and what it is like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I think it really made a lot of difference.

I'm not really trying to tell you anything about this relationship. Mostly I am trying to say focus on yourself and not him. That is where you will find healing no matter what happens. Place hope in yourself. That doesn't exclude him from your life, it makes you a whole and content person within yourself.

Co-Dependent No More is a book that I read and also found very helpful.
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Old 01-05-2012, 11:01 PM
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dvm, I am sorry you are hurting. I understand some of what you are going thru because the recovering alcoholic in my life has chosen to shut me out also. It's not a romantic relationship, he's a good friend. We worked together for 15 years, saw each other nearly every day, and became good friends and confidants. He was always a heavy drinker but he spiraled out of control over the last year, and as a result, he nearly lost his family and he did lose his job, even tho he went to rehab and has been working on his recovery.

He knows he has my support and friendship, but since he went to rehab, he's gone back and forth about staying in contact. Right now he doesn't want any. It does hurt to be set aside, and I miss him and our friendship very much. But I have come to understand that early recovery is very hard, he's still fragile, and I know that losing the job turned out to be a huge setback for him. Worrying about my feelings isn't something that he is or should be focusing on.. And I also know that there is nothing I can do to help him at this point. he knows where to find me if and when he wants to reach out.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having hope that your boyfriend will want a relationship with you again some day. I haven't given up on my friend yet but I know he's not capable right now of being the friend he used to be. But you can't dwell on the hope; you have to focus on yourself. I know it's hard to distract yourself when you miss someone but focusing on school and your goal of becoming a vet (great goal!!) will help you. Keep reading and posting here, there is much wisdom to be found. Sending you strength!
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Old 01-06-2012, 02:24 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Also, none of us go back to the way we were. Life experiences change who we are - and that is how it should be. Keep moving forward in your life. Make your life the best it can be based on the choices you make each day. Watch out for your own best interests. You are responsible for that.
How true that is. I also realized that each relationship is like a stepping stone to a better tomorrow. I don't regret the many bad choices I made because I learned from them. And more importantly I didn't get lost in them forever. It did take me a while with some more than others but foreword and onward I go.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:40 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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I understand how frustrating it is to try to find a medication that works.

My therapist told me something that resonated with me. When I met my ABF, he likely was an alcoholic. I would have never guessed this at the time. He is very well educated, was very successful, seemingly had his life together in every regard, very active...ran a sub-3 hour race in the Boston marathon. This is not the kind of person I would suspect being an alcoholic. Maybe this is where my craziness began - I kept thinking it was just me...I'm making too big of a deal over his drinking. Besides, an alcoholic wouldn't be able to run a sub-3 hour marathon! The disconnect between what I was seeing him accomplish and do in his functioning phase of his disease is probably what kept the denial a mainstay for so long in our relationship. Anyway...my therapist told me that when we met, he was giving me all of his best. He likely really WANTED to have the happy, loving, "normal" relationship that I thought we were having, but he just wasn't genuinely able to participate for very long. He was able to act the part for about 6 months before he could no longer hide the disease he was secretly dealing with. He tried his best. It sounds like your BF wants to have something special with you but he simply is not able to right now. You mentioned that he slipped because he was spending too much time with you. Please tell me you aren't blaming yourself for that. Finding a balance in early recovery is very difficult. My RABF told me that he needed to simplify his life as much as possible, and while our relationship wasn't a major stressor, he felt that he really just needed to set it aside for the timebeing. And just like that, he was gone from my life.

Yes, I attend Al-Anon even though he isn't talking to me. At first, I must admit, I went to Al-Anon in hopes that it would show him that I'm serious about recovery too, that I'm dedicated to a life in recovery and that I might be a "safe" person to have a relationship with in the future, someone who has been through hell and back with him and has a deeper understanding of this disease than someone not familiar with it. After some weeks, I began making Al-Anon my own. To answer the 12-step question, Al-Anon has their own 12-steps, adopted from the 12-steps of AA. They're just applied in our own way. While everyone in Al-Anon has a different story, I can always identify part of my story, or part of my journey in someone else's share. I soon realized that we've all been affected in similar ways. Living with my ABF's alcoholism isolated me greatly. Steping into Al-Anon allowed me to feel like I'm truly not alone. There are some stepwork links under the family and friends forum that can help explain the process if you are interested. I work the steps to identify what I need to work on, so that I can grow as a person regardless of whether my A and I have a future. I'm working step 4 and what I've learned about myself has been life changing. All of my relationships have improved - professional relationships, friendships, relationship with family members, and probably most importantly, the relationship with myself.

There are so many great posts on here, and the stickies contain so much great information. Keep posting and reading. You are definitely not alone.
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