New....I'm sure this has been covered.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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New....I'm sure this has been covered.
I'm sure this has been covered a million times over.
I like a drink as much as the next person. My dear wife however...likes it even more...Much more.
We have two kids 10 & 4. About a year before the 4 year old my wife stopped working. She completely stopped drinking when she became pregnant.
After a few months I encouraged her to have a cocktail with me so we could do something together. She did...and hasn't stopped since.
It really wasn't that big of a deal at first...but now...she doesn't work, begins drinking when the kids are dropped off at school and passes out shortly after dinner. There's lots of anger and yelling from her at us.
Because we're now only one income, money is always tight...but to make matters worse...she spends what little we have on booze. I don't have gas for my vehicle, and we're reduced to eating rice and beans all week for dinner and plain oatmeal for breakfast. And many skipped meals because there's nothing.
I know in the rest of the world this is a luxury but I make a decent living but we live like paupers.
On my vacation days I can't do anything because there's no food or money...but sure enough...there's always money for booze.
I'm getting more and more discouraged. I want her to get help. A few months ago she quit drinking for a few days and it was great...but it didn't last.
I like a drink as much as the next person. My dear wife however...likes it even more...Much more.
We have two kids 10 & 4. About a year before the 4 year old my wife stopped working. She completely stopped drinking when she became pregnant.
After a few months I encouraged her to have a cocktail with me so we could do something together. She did...and hasn't stopped since.
It really wasn't that big of a deal at first...but now...she doesn't work, begins drinking when the kids are dropped off at school and passes out shortly after dinner. There's lots of anger and yelling from her at us.
Because we're now only one income, money is always tight...but to make matters worse...she spends what little we have on booze. I don't have gas for my vehicle, and we're reduced to eating rice and beans all week for dinner and plain oatmeal for breakfast. And many skipped meals because there's nothing.
I know in the rest of the world this is a luxury but I make a decent living but we live like paupers.
On my vacation days I can't do anything because there's no food or money...but sure enough...there's always money for booze.
I'm getting more and more discouraged. I want her to get help. A few months ago she quit drinking for a few days and it was great...but it didn't last.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
I’m not one to talk bc I’m dealing with my own AH.
Can you take away her access to money?
I saw a divorce lawyer this week and she said that I’m modeling behavior for my kids by staying in my relationship. Daughters of alcoholics marry alcoholics and sons marry someone who needs fixed. She also said my kids will think this is normal and it’s ckearly not. Is this the environment You want your kids raised in? I know I’m questioning it myself right now.
Can you take away her access to money?
I saw a divorce lawyer this week and she said that I’m modeling behavior for my kids by staying in my relationship. Daughters of alcoholics marry alcoholics and sons marry someone who needs fixed. She also said my kids will think this is normal and it’s ckearly not. Is this the environment You want your kids raised in? I know I’m questioning it myself right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Taking away the money is something I've thought about time and time again. I worry that it will be seen as a typical chauvinistic power move to control her.
I have already opened a separate bank account so that the mortgage payment goes directly there so at least we won't be homeless. But that in itself became a point of contention.
I have already opened a separate bank account so that the mortgage payment goes directly there so at least we won't be homeless. But that in itself became a point of contention.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 19
[QUOTE=Tweed4;6700335]Taking away the money is something I've thought about time and time again. I worry that it will be seen as a typical chauvinistic power move to control her.
I'm sorry you're going through these tough times. Kids being involved breaks my heart. I have a little one myself.
I quoted the above because I think safety and well-being of the children come before whether it's seen as a chauvinistic power move. It sounds like you already have their best interests in mind. Taking away access to booze funds can possibly be seen as a safety measure over a power move.
I really hope things even out for you soon!
I'm sorry you're going through these tough times. Kids being involved breaks my heart. I have a little one myself.
I quoted the above because I think safety and well-being of the children come before whether it's seen as a chauvinistic power move. It sounds like you already have their best interests in mind. Taking away access to booze funds can possibly be seen as a safety measure over a power move.
I really hope things even out for you soon!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tweed.....feeding the little ones comes above anything else....regardless of what your wife says....
I don't think that anyone else (besides your wife) would blame you for seeing that your children are fed....
A question---who does the grocery shopping? Maybe, it would be an idea to do the buying of groceries, on the day that you receive your pay....and, buy as much good as is needed,before it can be spent...
I don't know where you live...but, if it is in the states...I suggest that you check with the county social services and see what supplements you may be eligible for...Don't just assume t hat you wouldn't qualify....
Also, check out what food banks are available. in your area....those can be a big help...
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the family and the loved ones...I hope you will take the time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I don't think that anyone else (besides your wife) would blame you for seeing that your children are fed....
A question---who does the grocery shopping? Maybe, it would be an idea to do the buying of groceries, on the day that you receive your pay....and, buy as much good as is needed,before it can be spent...
I don't know where you live...but, if it is in the states...I suggest that you check with the county social services and see what supplements you may be eligible for...Don't just assume t hat you wouldn't qualify....
Also, check out what food banks are available. in your area....those can be a big help...
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles on the effects of alcoholism on the family and the loved ones...I hope you will take the time to read through them....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tweed....you might get so me information from the following link. At least, it might help you to organize your thoughts, if you should visit a l awyer, in the future....
The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support, Family Law
The Divorce Support Page: Divorce, Child Custody, Alimony, Support, Family Law
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Welcome Tweed and I'm sorry. If your kids are living on rice, beans and oatmeal unnecessarily and are missing meals, that is not OK. Take away her access to most of the money - all of it if you need it for the kids and she's wasting it. It sounds like she can't make sound financial decisions right now. Also, please start documenting everything if you haven't already with diaries, photos and receipts if you have access to them. You may never need them, but you might. Try to do some of the reading suggested above. It really does help.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Here booze should NEVER come before the needs of your children, especially food.
Open a separate account and take complete control of everything. If she so desperately needs booze let her find her own way to get it without robbing you and your children.
Open a separate account and take complete control of everything. If she so desperately needs booze let her find her own way to get it without robbing you and your children.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’ve come to believe that when we allow the A to be in charge of anything, kids, housework, driving, shopping etc. We are setting ourselves up for some high expectations, which usually end up with big disappointments.
Will her “words” of anger outweigh the reality of your kids not having adequate food or adult supervision? Only you can decide that.
Take the money away, hire someone else to do the grocery shopping if you can’t. Change your routine around so that you can be home to cook your kid’s dinner or arrange a later dinnertime for after you arrive home.
There are always going to be certain concessions we must make when we decide to remain in the environment along with the active alcoholic especially when kids are involved.
Will her “words” of anger outweigh the reality of your kids not having adequate food or adult supervision? Only you can decide that.
Take the money away, hire someone else to do the grocery shopping if you can’t. Change your routine around so that you can be home to cook your kid’s dinner or arrange a later dinnertime for after you arrive home.
There are always going to be certain concessions we must make when we decide to remain in the environment along with the active alcoholic especially when kids are involved.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I learned the hard way that what I considered common sense (like feeding children) was not so black & white of an issue for someone in the throes of active addiction. I let the financial abuse go on far longer than I should have & it is still one of the hardest things to forgive myself for. (like you, I make a decent living)
Waiting around for her to "get it" is never going to work.... neither is expecting her to understand when you have to take actions to protect your kids. She'll always see it as "against her" and not "for them" no matter how it happens.
Welcome to SR - you've found a great resource to help you navigate through these tough times.
Waiting around for her to "get it" is never going to work.... neither is expecting her to understand when you have to take actions to protect your kids. She'll always see it as "against her" and not "for them" no matter how it happens.
Welcome to SR - you've found a great resource to help you navigate through these tough times.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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I'm going to adjust my direct deposit so more goes into the mortgage account. That way when we run out of funds in the main account I'll have padding for decent meals and fuel.
It really is odd. Finds money for whiskey but not for milk, eggs or dinner.
I like rice and beans...but don't like having to rely on them.
The kids are young enough where they have no idea of what's going on. They just think it's normal for Mommy to be sleep by 6.
I know she knows she has a bit of a problem when she stopped drinking a few months ago. And I think that's a great thing and gives me hope that she maybe on her way to self control. But until then....I'll continue to protect and be patient. I know it's her that needs to wake up and it's not something I can force her to do.
It really is odd. Finds money for whiskey but not for milk, eggs or dinner.
I like rice and beans...but don't like having to rely on them.
The kids are young enough where they have no idea of what's going on. They just think it's normal for Mommy to be sleep by 6.
I know she knows she has a bit of a problem when she stopped drinking a few months ago. And I think that's a great thing and gives me hope that she maybe on her way to self control. But until then....I'll continue to protect and be patient. I know it's her that needs to wake up and it's not something I can force her to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Tweed4 
The kids are young enough where they have no idea of what's going on. They just think it's normal for Mommy to be sleep by 6.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent/enabling father taught me lessons before I was five years old that I didn't even know were destructive until I was past thirty. Please make sure your kids have at least one parent who is honest with them about the dysfunction in the home, who makes it clear that their well-being is important, and who makes sure that they know that they are not responsible for Mom's happiness, unhappiness, anger, or any other emotions.
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Tweed...you may find that it takes more than hope and patience.....there are people on this forum who held onto patience and hope for 10, 20, 30, and more years....and it didn't stop the alcoholic from drinking.......or progressing in their disease.....
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Tweed4
...I know she knows she has a bit of a problem when she stopped drinking a few months ago. And I think that's a great thing and gives me hope that she maybe on her way to self control. But until then....I'll continue to protect and be patient. I know it's her that needs to wake up and it's not something I can force her to do.
That is why, over in Newcomers and the Alcoholics area of the site you will see that we talk about Recovery an awful lot. It is Recovery that makes sobriety bearable, sustainable and one day preferable to drinking.
For her next attempt at sobriety it would be worth encouraging her to seek some support in her recovery. Maybe buy an AA Big Book in advance and pop a copy of the list of days and times of meeting in your area inside it so she can get reading and take some action when she decides she wants to get sober. It makes a big big difference to things for many of us.
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I'd put her on a personal allowance. Money she can drink,buy clothes,gas,whatever she chooses to do with it. Like $50/wk. Then I'd take over the grocery shopping(since she can't be trusted). I'd let this go on for about a month and then have a serious talk with her. I know you can't make someone get sober,but sometimes when faced with it,changes can/do happen. Also..I'd start planning a future without her as my wife. That's just me though.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
As a person who grew up in an alcoholic/enabler household, I can assure you that this not the only thing they are learning is "normal". And while they may not express their feelings about what is happening at home, it does not mean that they don't have them, and it certainly doesn't mean that they understand or know what to do with them.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent/enabling father taught me lessons before I was five years old that I didn't even know were destructive until I was past thirty. Please make sure your kids have at least one parent who is honest with them about the dysfunction in the home, who makes it clear that their well-being is important, and who makes sure that they know that they are not responsible for Mom's happiness, unhappiness, anger, or any other emotions.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent/enabling father taught me lessons before I was five years old that I didn't even know were destructive until I was past thirty. Please make sure your kids have at least one parent who is honest with them about the dysfunction in the home, who makes it clear that their well-being is important, and who makes sure that they know that they are not responsible for Mom's happiness, unhappiness, anger, or any other emotions.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
It's really shocking isn't it? At 5, my daughter had no idea about anything being related to alcohol but she had her finger on the pulse of the dysfunction happening for sure. When we separated she asked me who would get custody if we divorced & I asked her what she'd like to have happen. She said she wanted to live with me but visit dad sometimes because she loved him, but didn't feel like he always made good choices. When I asked for examples she recounted multiple incidents of him being pulled over for speeding, etc, him allowing her to have treats when even SHE knew she shouldn't, that no matter what she knew I had/would never lie to her but she was pretty sure dad did lie to her often..... things like that.
I remember making it through that conversation & sobbing heavily afterwards at the shock of how at such a young age she had already had better comprehension & acceptance of what was happening than I did myself - that she was basically telling all about how her love for him didn't automatically come with her trust & respect.
It took me two more years to realllllly catch on to all that was happening with him. My own codependency had me in such a FOG that I didn't even attempt to heal - I just kept myself distracted & worked on managing my panic attacks without even stopping to figure out WHY they were happening.
I remember making it through that conversation & sobbing heavily afterwards at the shock of how at such a young age she had already had better comprehension & acceptance of what was happening than I did myself - that she was basically telling all about how her love for him didn't automatically come with her trust & respect.
It took me two more years to realllllly catch on to all that was happening with him. My own codependency had me in such a FOG that I didn't even attempt to heal - I just kept myself distracted & worked on managing my panic attacks without even stopping to figure out WHY they were happening.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Here booze should NEVER come before the needs of your children, especially food.
Open a separate account and take complete control of everything. If she so desperately needs booze let her find her own way to get it without robbing you and your children.
Open a separate account and take complete control of everything. If she so desperately needs booze let her find her own way to get it without robbing you and your children.
I'm not really in a position to give advice but I would just like to ask you to think about this: Why are you in a position where you have no gas for your vehicle and have to worry about having enough food when you earn enough money for these things? How is it that this has become something you remotely tolerate?
I am not judging you. I just had a mind-blowing moment of my own with my husband's situation when I realized that I did not actually have to allow his bad and destructive choices take me down with him. When I realized how mind-blowing I found that concept, I knew I was kind of messed up.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Well....I adjusted the direct deposit. Tomorrow will be the first one. It isn't much but will be interesting if she notices and if there's a reaction.
This morning while getting dressed for work she was out of the room. I was setting up the iron and in one of her bags (that she doesn't use) there was a half full liter of whiskey.
This made me even more sad,mad and worried.
I didn't say anything to her about it and after browsing the site this morning not sure I will.
I'm really surprised.... I want to help but everything seems to suggestion that nothing I can do will help.
This morning while getting dressed for work she was out of the room. I was setting up the iron and in one of her bags (that she doesn't use) there was a half full liter of whiskey.
This made me even more sad,mad and worried.
I didn't say anything to her about it and after browsing the site this morning not sure I will.
I'm really surprised.... I want to help but everything seems to suggestion that nothing I can do will help.
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