kcjnan

For some background - my mom passed away in October from alcoholism. My brother and I are in our early twenties and live at our dads. I've lived on my own in different cities prior, but have been back here for a little over a year.

It was probably six months ago that I noticed something was weird with my brother. He works the evening shift at work, so he stays up until probably 4-6am. My aunt had called my brother (about my mom) in the morning and my brother was slurring his words, I said "What are you even saying? You sound like you're drunk" And he said he was just tired and I just attributed to that because it was early in the morning and he works late.

Well, now I'm realizing that my brother may have a drinking problem (he is only 24). We spoke a couple times after this and I kept telling him that the drinking after work needed to stop, why do you feel the need to drink so much?, etc. One of his answers once was that "You don't know what it's like to have your mom take money from you" (my mom would take large chunks of money before she passed from my brothers bank account, he had a much bigger soft spot for my mom than I had the past year before she passed). And I'm sure now that my mom is gone that it's not helping the situation.

My brother drinks whiskey from either a pint or fifth. He's not socially drinking, he is drinking by himself at home.

This week, I had to take away his alcohol twice. I heard him get up to get a drink, I texted him saying if he gets up one more time there are going to be major consequences (who knows what they would be, I was fed up with it at that point). I heard him get up again and tried to walk quietly so I wouldn't hear, so I proceeded to get up and took away his alcohol and put it in my room. He said "I had a stressful day at work". I said no, that is not an excuse, this happens almost every night. I had to take away his alcohol the night prior to this as well. I'm pretty sure last night he was drunk (I can hear him stumbling) but I didn't do anything.

I keep telling my dad he needs to reinforce a no drinking policy with my brother, but the problem is that my dad drinks a lot himself.

When my mom passed it was sudden, and I really didn't do what it took to try to help her with her alcoholism. No intervention, no trying to get her to go to AA. She could never admit to it was the biggest problem and I lived in different cities so it was harder for me. But this guilt that I'm dealing with from my mom is giving me major anxiety about my brother. Him drinking hard liquor, and the amount he drinks, at his age, is going to be detrimental to his health and he could end up just like my mom (but a lot sooner).

I seem to be the only one who has control with their alcohol and I rarely ever drink at home alone. I'm especially not doing it now because of my brother.

Like I previously said - I have lived in other cities and on my own, which I still would like to do, but I have a lot of anxiety about leaving and seeing the problem with my brother get worse or my dad continuing to enable him. My dad doesn't see the drinking because he leaves for work at 3am (and my brother will start to drink after that). If I leave - I see all of this getting much worse. It's like I want to try to get my brother on the right path prior to me moving out.

Does anyone have any advice on what steps I should be taking with my brother? I obviously can't just keep taking his alcohol away when he doesn't listen. And I know it needs to be his decision and is ultimately up to him, but I feel an obligation to try to get him to see that if he doesn't stop, he will be dead by the time he's 40.

My mom had cirrhosis of the liver and by the time we found out, it was end-stage and she died two weeks later. I'm terrified this is going to happen to him.

I already lost my mom, I don't want to lose my brother. We're really close. It just really hurts, is exhausting, and hard to see that he's doing this when he just watched my mom pass away from this exact same thing.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

Challenger2013

I hate that you are going through this.
You are powerless to stop either of them from drinking. I know from experience that taking away any alcohol you find just teaches the addict to get better at hiding it.

Is it possible you can get his friends or other family members to talk to him about his drinking? If he doesn’t acknowledge the problem from your comments, maybe comments from multiple sources could wake him up.

Find yourself a therapist or go to Alanon. Or both! You need to take care of yourself as well.
And maybe it’s time to move back out. For your own sanity.

kcjnan

I can try to get maybe a few of my aunts or uncles to talk to him. Problem is that my mom just passed and they just dealt with years and years of my moms alcoholism, so I feel a bit guilty putting another burden on them. But, I know they wouldn't see it like that.

I told my dad today that he needs to enforce a no-drinking policy, implement consequences and tell him what those consequences will be. It's hard because he doesn't see it because he's at work, but as long as I'm living here I would like to try and get him to stop the reliance on alcohol for dealing with what he is internally and realize the amount he is/was drinking is not normal.

Maybe I should take him to an al-anon meeting with me. I don't think he knows how to deal with my moms death (or problems in general) in healthy ways.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm the only one who sees this, ugh.

Thank you for your advice.

littlesister1

Hi and welcome

The A in my life is one of my older brothers

YOU can not do ANYTHING to make him stop.
Nobody wants to hear or believe this but it's true

The 3 C's apply

You didn't cause it.
You cant' control it
You can't cure it

The same applies to your mom, they are adults making THEIR choices.

Take a step back, mind YOUR side of the street.

Keep reading and posting, this is a wonderful place

SparkleKitty

If an adult wants to drink, no "rules" are going to prevent him or her from doing so. They will either get better at hiding it, do it elsewhere, or find some third thing I can't even begin to imagine because I'm not an addict.

Your dad will be especially poor at enforcing rules since he, as you admit, does not see the problem.

I wish we had the magic words to share with you to get other people to see that they have a problem with alcohol, but if those words existed, this forum wouldn't exist.

kcjnan

Since you are in a similar situation with your brother, what do you advise I do? Especially since I live with him and my dad and my living situation may not change for a bit. Do I stop doing favors, cooking, etc. and go into my own bubble? There's essentially nothing I can do? Do I not give support? Not talk or hang out?

kcjnan

Like I said to littlesister1, is there essentially nothing I can do then? I live with them, and I don't know when it's going to change. Is there any advice you can give to me in this situation?

SparkleKitty

Detaching from behavior that is unacceptable to you is key to maintaining your serenity. As for other times, if you want to hang out, hang out. If you want to talk, talk. But attempting to control either your brother or dad's behavior is a losing proposition. They are adults and have the right to do as they wish, even when it isn't good for them. If how they choose to live and treat themselves is not acceptable to you, then is it possible you could start working towards finding another living situation?

kcjnan

Understood, I guess it's just easier said than done. Sometimes not so black and white. But why most of us are here, right? *sigh*

SparkleKitty

WAY easier said than done. But practice helps. Letting go of feeling responsible for fixing everyone else's problems can free you up to focus on taking care of yourself. I'm sorry you're in this situation, especially so soon on the heels of losing your mom, but now is when you need to especially look after your own wellbeing.

dandylion

Kc....I sure do relate to your pain....I think that the pain of having an alcoholic family member is a special category...because it is not like a voluntary relationship that one can "divorce"....and put completely in the past....

I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on family members...I hope that you will read through them....they will educate you, and, I believe that you can draw some comfort from them, also....

I do think that if your brother would go with you to an alanon meeting/s...that would be great....I am sure that both of you are grieving (but, in different ways)....
Maybe, you could go with him to a couple of open AA meetings, also...

I would say that you should learn about enabling....and, make sure that you are not doing that, unknowingly....Try not to "mother" him...but, try to be more like his sibling...lol...like two pups in the same litter....his equal with the natural strong bonds....

You are, by definition, Adult Children of Alcoholics....and, I think that it would be a good idea for you to get the literature from that group---"Adult Children of Alcoholics"....you can get their books from amazon.com......You may not realize it, but, both of you have been deeply affected by the alcoholism of your mother....
You are both so young...and there is great hope for both of you...if you get help ...
I know that this is a difficult time, for you, and my heart goes out to you....

It would be good if your dad would go to the alanon meetings, also....since, he is probably enabling your brother, whether he knows it or not....

littlesister1

I can only tell you what I did
I disengaged, backed off. Did not talk to him about his problem, he knows he has a problem.

I can't change him, I can only change MY reaction to his nonsense.
There is no point laying down rules, they will not work. All YOU can do is mind your side of the street.

Do not try to control him, do not try to change him. You can tell him you are concerned and worried he is hurting himself.

He has to figure this out on his own, IF he wants to.

It isn't up to us, it's up to them.

Al Anon is a life saver

kcjnan

Thank you for your response. You're right, I feel it's different for those when it's a parent, sibling, etc. than those married to alcoholics because they can choose to leave more willingly. I appreciate your advice and I will certainly look into those resources.

kcjnan

Thanks for sharing, I basically told my brother out of love that I'm concerned and don't want what happened to my mom to happen to him. I also reassured him that dealing with problems soberly will make life much easier for him in the long run. But told him it was ultimately up to him if he wanted to change his relationship with alcohol and not be so dependent on it.

Time will tell...