Back again for Advice

Old 12-06-2017, 04:46 PM
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Back again for Advice

Howdy, kind folx!
You can read my posting history to see my story.

Right now I'm looking for advice on dealing with my husband's poor coping skills. I was reading a list from blue cross blue shield of a list of symptoms for poor coping skills and he hits just about every single symptom.

It makes it really difficult to discuss, let alone work thru, any of the other issues.

He is still abusing alcohol. He goes from really happy to end of the world in a days time. When he is happy, he feels guilty about it. His self esteem is obviously low.

I understand I can't fix him. But how can I communicate with him? Especially when he can't cope with the info I'm sharing. He is pushing me away.

Feel free to ask questions if there's info that could help me get better advice.

I think we are going to start couples counseling as soon as we find one. And I'm considering trying Al-anon again. Or maybe personal counseling. Or something!!!
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Old 12-06-2017, 05:33 PM
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I'm sorry you are still dealing with his active drinking.

My understanding is that couples counseling doesn't usually "work"
if one partner is still in active addiction--in fact, in can be counter-productive
as it gives the addicted partner emotional "ammunition" to manipulate / attack if they are drunk and / or defensive.

I know when I was drinking, I couldn't really engage in healing my marriage
as I will still harming it by drinking.
Until I dealt with the real issue--the drinking--it was all just talk.

Is your husband ready to actually quit for good?
Perhaps doing individual sessions would be more productive if not.
Wishing you both the best.
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Old 01-27-2018, 10:01 PM
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December 31st my AH broke up with me and informed me he wants a divorce.

I'm devastated. But, I am working on putting myself and my children first...for the first time in several years. I am moving into an apartment of my own at the end of March to be closer to my kids (their dad lives 30 miles away).

My close confidantes and reading have led me to believe that AH is a vulnerable narcissist alcoholic. It has helped me to see that our marriage was never as perfect as I imagined it was and that I gave away so many pieces of myself while we've been together.

One thing I am struggling with, though, is knowing reality from fantasy. Like maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of the alcohol abuse than it really is. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of the manipulation and boundary crossing than I should.

I'm also working on acceptance. I don't want my marriage to end. But it is ending. I am moving. I do have to put my recovery and the wellbeing of my children first. That is so so hard.

He doesn't want to quit drinking because he doesn't see it as a problem. He doesn't want to change his hypocrisy or deal with his rage. He just wants to justify, minimize and blame others. :-(
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Old 01-28-2018, 02:27 AM
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whowho.....I see that you have been struggling with his drinking and the marriage for several years, now....
If he doesn't want to quit drinking and doesn't see it as a problem...then he is not ready to quit....so, there is no use to keep beating your head against that wall....
And...from what you have shared in your threads...there are, likely, more issues and baggage going on, in addition to the drinking...and, that it has taken a toll on you...
You might be surprised at the extent that living in your own place will reduce the tension in the home environment---especially for the children....

Most marriage counselors won't do counseling for couples when alcoholic drinking is present...(if they KNOW about it....many times, the clients aren't honest about it...and, of course the therapy goes nowhere...or, makes it worse for the non-drinking partner)....
Individual therapy and a support group like alanon is kind of the basic standard for those, on this forum, who have been in your same shoes...

Here is the link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope that you will take the time to read through them.....there are enough for you to read one every day...lol...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You have ben around here since 2015...so, I imagine that you have already read "Co-dependent No More"...? If you haven't...it is a standard around here. It is an easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you. It is usually a real eye-opener for most....

Now--here is one article from that list that I gave you, above----I think it is a good yard stick by which to judge where he is in relation to recovery...(of course, he has already told you where he is---so you really should believe him....as it will save you a lot of futile effort).....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Old 01-29-2018, 06:29 AM
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I would not expect any effective communication with someone who is in addiction. It just won't happen.

I do think Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, AND therapy, would be very helpful.

So sorry you are going through this.
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Old 01-29-2018, 10:01 AM
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One thing I am struggling with, though, is knowing reality from fantasy. Like maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of the alcohol abuse than it really is. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of the manipulation and boundary crossing than I should.

since you actively alcoholic husband had told you the marriage is over and he wants a divorce AND has no plans of quitting..........i'd say your instincts were correct all along. rather than DEAL with his drinking, or make any attempt to right the ship and recreate a safe family scenario, he'd rather just walk away and take his priority with him.
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Old 01-29-2018, 10:32 PM
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It's so hard. I'm such a fixer and pleaser and caregiver...and enabler. It's so hard for me to just take care of myself and the kids and try to move on from him. I still want him even though I can read lists of things he has done that have hurt me.

When I talk about it to my therapist or my sister I can hear how unhealthy it all sounds.

It's so hard to let go of something you want so bad. But facing the fact that I don't want what we had...I want what I thought we could have, but actually didn't have at all.
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Old 01-30-2018, 07:33 AM
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whowho....I think the first step is actually recognizing the unhealthy aspects of fixing..people pleasing..enabling...when you feel the "pull" to do so...
You seem to be beginning to do that....
I think you might benefit from the exercises in the "CoDependent Workbook" that you can get along with the actual book....

Rome wasn't built in a day...everything starts at a beginning....

When you have better...and, more in your life...you will no longer miss what you didn't have in the first place.....
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