thousandwords53

Hello everyone!

Things are still going well. Life feels so normal now that I am the captain of our ship. Still some in between weirdness happening as I am still moving things over to new house and we see STBXH quite regularly- on good terms but it causes confusion all around I am sure. Learning QUITE a bit about myself, why I am the way I am, how much recovery is under my belt, who I'm growing into etc.

This is a rambling post, apologies.

Even with just this much of space I do have more clarity on the influence he held over me. And I have been able to identify similar issues with my FOO. Expectations, Control, Codependency. I have been able to recognize my mother trying to control me with guilt, and I have JADED to her..then later I realize what is going on. (Things such as the foods I eat/my hair cut) this has been my life! So so so much deep rooted stuff. It is hard to completely change these issues as I depend on these people on the daily to some extent. In realizing this- I have moments where I want to start over and relocate to get further distance. I feel like I am blossoming and really kicking butt in life- the only doubters are the very people who have kept me down.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, but have others felt this way after getting out of unhealthy situations? This break-neck pace of realization and growth?

thousandwords53

And there are also moments where I think back and wonder if things were really THAT bad and if I really should have done this all...stbexh really gets his act together each time I've left and then it's extreme mental acrobatics going on. I am recognizing this as well. We are better people separate.

Sasha1972

I think this is key - are you a better person with or without stbxh? Do you like yourself more, are you a better parent?

If you feel like you are blossoming and kicking butt, that's also a really good sign!

Maudcat

No one can mess with your head faster or more thoroughly than family.
And distance brings clarity.
Good thoughts.

FireSprite

Yes, yes, yes! I've often said that as much as it was my husband's behavior that brought me to recovery, the bulk of my recovery work is much more relative to my FOO & a lifetime of bad habits vs. "just" him.

That little nugget blew me away - my side of the street was MUCH messier than it originally looked.

teatreeoil007

I understand the thing of people using guilt to manipulate and get what they want. And, in some cases, maybe most cases they don't even realize they are doing that. There tends to be a pattern with many mothers doing that...they frown on this and that...they have these expectations. We come across this in our professions and with our bosses and sometimes they want more and more from you than you want to give and still feel healthy.

Remember that addicts in particular will truly manipulate to get what they want and what they want most is their next high. They are busiest chasing that next high. Everything else comes second place. So, you end up feeling depleted and empty in the relationship and like you are always the one doing the giving.

They say it's better to give than receive and that may be true in some cases. But in relationships with addicts you are like a bucket of water and they keep dipping in and taking your water until your bucket is dry and you're left holding a bucket that has no water left in it. This analogy was first presented to me by a counselor and I think it's very fitting when it comes to codependency. And yes, sometimes we ARE better off alone.

Mango blast

No Contact with my parents and sibling have brought me more, faster, solid relief of anxiety than anything having to do with my husband.... and NC with my FOO also makes it much easier to now go NC with my husband when I need to.

I used to think NC was harsh... now I see it as a very valuable gift to myself.

Important relationships can withstand several months of No Contact... and with having No Contact, more clarity comes.

Mango blast

^^^

A bit strange to realize how much I kept turning to and leaning on the very people who were hurting me the most, emotionally and psychologically.

thousandwords53

So much YES to this. And the ones doing this are not even aware...it is just the way things are. The dynamic.

qtpi

I am learning some things as well... about my DD. My counselor really has me seeing things in a new light. I have bent over backwards trying to be kind, loving, supportive, and understanding... and I see now I gave too much to DD when she has wounded me again and again this year. I understand that she is "only" 29 years old- but I don't have to put up with it anymore. I am going no contact with her- until she is willing to just sit down with me for an hour and talk honestly. I don't think that is asking for too much and I am just not going to dance to her tune anymore. I feel strong about this decision and at peace with it. DD decides how she acts, not me, and I can't change or control her. But I am not going to subject myself to cursing and accusations that she won't explain to me. when she calls me names, I ask for examples and she just says I don't want to talk about it, and shuts down. I say back if I understand what it is I am doing wrong I can fix it, so please tell me- we have had the same circular conversation several times. Once I told her I certainly hope that I am at fault here- because if it is totally my fault, I can take responsibility for everything and make amends- so tell me what I am doing wrong- no answer. I do think probably a lot is coming from her father- but still- life is too short to spend it with anyone who won't treat me with love and respect.