Disappointed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Disappointed
I divorced almost two yrs ago after a 32 yr marriage. When raising our daughter, i was the one who went to performances, athletic events, paid for medical, braces--you get the picture , i was there for her. He ruined almost every christmas when she was living at home and after. Now, though she acts as if we were both equally there for her.
I just cant believe she has erased the past, embraced his gf and
him while she strongly encouraged me to leave. She felt like he was going to physically hurt me, or worse.
If i would have known what my truth is now, i wouldve certainly done things differently. She plans visits w me around their schedule prioritizing their needs.
Im aware she should spend time w him, but cant believe she acts as if he was a great parent.
I dont bring up the past, keep things friendly yet she still has a wall around her regarding me, at least. The other day my grandson, a toddler, pointed out a car and said the gf nane. My daughter just laughed.
I have plans to see her and her family this weekend and then during christmas. They were able to work me in. Yeah!
After these visits im going to be nice, but i will not be willing to rearrange my schedule to have time w them. We used to be close, happy, etc..no more rushing to answer or return calls, remark on pics, etc..
Maybe i shouldnt have been so available in the past.
This is a turn of events i wouldve never suspected or expected.
I just cant believe she has erased the past, embraced his gf and
him while she strongly encouraged me to leave. She felt like he was going to physically hurt me, or worse.
If i would have known what my truth is now, i wouldve certainly done things differently. She plans visits w me around their schedule prioritizing their needs.
Im aware she should spend time w him, but cant believe she acts as if he was a great parent.
I dont bring up the past, keep things friendly yet she still has a wall around her regarding me, at least. The other day my grandson, a toddler, pointed out a car and said the gf nane. My daughter just laughed.
I have plans to see her and her family this weekend and then during christmas. They were able to work me in. Yeah!
After these visits im going to be nice, but i will not be willing to rearrange my schedule to have time w them. We used to be close, happy, etc..no more rushing to answer or return calls, remark on pics, etc..
Maybe i shouldnt have been so available in the past.
This is a turn of events i wouldve never suspected or expected.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi rae, I feel for you. No advice, just to say it must seem so unjust. Maybe it will help to withdraw a little.
Would it help to talk to her frankly (but only about how you feel)?
Life has many twists and turns. Hang in there.
Would it help to talk to her frankly (but only about how you feel)?
Life has many twists and turns. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, rae.
I don’t have answers today, but here are some thoughts.
Sometimes we just don’t see the past as others do.
Sometimes there is a resentment of some sort against the parent who stayed.
Sometimes we feel free to visit anger or resentment toward the parent who was there because they are the safe parent, so to speak.
I don’t think you will resolve this unless you and she talk, and she is honest with you.
Meantime, hard as it is, stay friendly but I would keep distant for the moment.
Maybe some counselling could help sort this out for you?
Often counsellors who have a lot of experience with families and addiction have insights into the family dynamic that elude the rest of us.
Good luck.
I don’t have answers today, but here are some thoughts.
Sometimes we just don’t see the past as others do.
Sometimes there is a resentment of some sort against the parent who stayed.
Sometimes we feel free to visit anger or resentment toward the parent who was there because they are the safe parent, so to speak.
I don’t think you will resolve this unless you and she talk, and she is honest with you.
Meantime, hard as it is, stay friendly but I would keep distant for the moment.
Maybe some counselling could help sort this out for you?
Often counsellors who have a lot of experience with families and addiction have insights into the family dynamic that elude the rest of us.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
Hi Rae,
I totally relate to where you are coming from. Married 28 years, 2 grown sons, divorce paperwork signed....so I have walked a similar path.
From my own experience I have noticed that my sons will flip the roles, one distant from me, closer to me, and then something switches and it is the exact opposite. My older son, at the moment, is in touch with his father on a regular basis, whereas I might only hear from him weekly (I know this because his younger brother is also his roommate); my younger son is not speaking to his father at the moment for reasons only known to him and his father, but speaks to me on a regular basis....a year ago it was the exact opposite, for whatever reason. I can same with some confidence that my part has stayed fairly consistent. I don't encourage or discourage their relationships with their father, but of course they both feel they have the right to give me advice, such as "dump his loser @ss" (their words at various times, not mine). I do know that at times when we have sat down and discussed an event related to their AF, all 3 of us have seen it differently. Sometimes I am astonished by the way they remember things and when they compare notes one always says "it wasn't that bad" when the other thinks something was the "worst day ever." There are times when one or the other has confronted me and demanded to know why I stayed and/or blamed me for things that weren't mine. I sometimes feel that I am the secure one so it is "safer" for them to be frustrated/distant whatever with me because they know that I will still be there when the pendulum swings back, not something that they are confident about with their father.
Be patient. I am sure she knows that you were the rock the foundation was built upon. If he is sober at the moment, maybe she sees this as a chance to build a relationship she didn't get when she was younger, I don't know. Stay strong, detach from the issue with love, (used to hate that saying, find it so meaningful now), do the next right thing for yourself. My thought will be with you.
Smiley1
BTW...my name is Rae Ann
I totally relate to where you are coming from. Married 28 years, 2 grown sons, divorce paperwork signed....so I have walked a similar path.
From my own experience I have noticed that my sons will flip the roles, one distant from me, closer to me, and then something switches and it is the exact opposite. My older son, at the moment, is in touch with his father on a regular basis, whereas I might only hear from him weekly (I know this because his younger brother is also his roommate); my younger son is not speaking to his father at the moment for reasons only known to him and his father, but speaks to me on a regular basis....a year ago it was the exact opposite, for whatever reason. I can same with some confidence that my part has stayed fairly consistent. I don't encourage or discourage their relationships with their father, but of course they both feel they have the right to give me advice, such as "dump his loser @ss" (their words at various times, not mine). I do know that at times when we have sat down and discussed an event related to their AF, all 3 of us have seen it differently. Sometimes I am astonished by the way they remember things and when they compare notes one always says "it wasn't that bad" when the other thinks something was the "worst day ever." There are times when one or the other has confronted me and demanded to know why I stayed and/or blamed me for things that weren't mine. I sometimes feel that I am the secure one so it is "safer" for them to be frustrated/distant whatever with me because they know that I will still be there when the pendulum swings back, not something that they are confident about with their father.
Be patient. I am sure she knows that you were the rock the foundation was built upon. If he is sober at the moment, maybe she sees this as a chance to build a relationship she didn't get when she was younger, I don't know. Stay strong, detach from the issue with love, (used to hate that saying, find it so meaningful now), do the next right thing for yourself. My thought will be with you.
Smiley1
BTW...my name is Rae Ann
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
I really do thank all of you for replying ! I usually think twice (or 5 times) before i post.
It's always comforts me knowing others are dealing with the same type of fall out left from the destruction and dysfunction of alcoholism or just from responding to my post.
Yes, i have a counselor
When ive approached my daughter to discuss this she immediately bites my head off. she appears to use strategies the alcoholic uses eg deflection, making me feel shame for even having a problem with this, im making a mountain out of a molehill.
Thanks again
It's always comforts me knowing others are dealing with the same type of fall out left from the destruction and dysfunction of alcoholism or just from responding to my post.
Yes, i have a counselor
When ive approached my daughter to discuss this she immediately bites my head off. she appears to use strategies the alcoholic uses eg deflection, making me feel shame for even having a problem with this, im making a mountain out of a molehill.
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Rae - I have no personal experience with this, my child is still very young. That said, your post made me wonder if her actions to bend over backyards toward her father are out of insecurity. You mentioned that you were the parent that did everything and perhaps because of that she yearns to do the right thing and please him in hopes that he will finally "be there for her," as you always have.
Who knows if I'm even close to right but if I am on to something, I hope it makes you feel better that her actions are because of her own sadness and insecurity with regard to her dad who's most likely never been present and NOT active against you... Sending you big hugs!
Who knows if I'm even close to right but if I am on to something, I hope it makes you feel better that her actions are because of her own sadness and insecurity with regard to her dad who's most likely never been present and NOT active against you... Sending you big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Rae,
I went through this also. I will be divorced 7 years tomorrow. It's funny, I just realized that now. I had to look at todays date to remember it will be 7 years. I was married for 27 years, 25 of them I lived with him, the other 2 were when we were going through divorce.
After I left, (they were in college at that time), my ex was in the home and when they came home from college or for the weekend, he was there, not me. I don't blame myself for that either, I had to leave. Well, anyway, I remember that my son had once told me that "he finally feels like he had a dad."
If you read anything on here that I've posted, you will also know that I have a "drama queen" daughter. I have cut contact with her. Well DQ daughter was married then and had 2 children. She started to invite my ex to all the birthday parties, and the holidays and left me out. She was also inviting all the relatives from my side of the family to these parties, with my ex and his gf, once we were divorced. Well, that started wars. Soon, none of my children were talking to me.
I could not understand how my son, who once told me, that he was afraid to leave for college, because he didn't want to leave me alone with his father, or my youngest daughter, who picked me up from the ER and her father punched me in the head, and she said to me at the hospital, I can't believe that you didn't leave him yet, would embrace my ex and his gf, and that they would ignore me.
It took me years to let go of my anger and resentment. When I was having my own anger, resentment and pity parties, I was pushing my children further away. They told me that it was like I was putting them in the middle of things and that I was forcing them to make a choice between their father or me. That I was putting myself on the cross (victim).
I mean, how can they say that to me? Did that not see all the things that happened when we were married? All the times that he hit me, can't they see that I was the one that was hurting?
It took me a few years of that where I just felt victimized. I had to work through that. I had to realize that I was the one that stayed, that I was the one that hid his behavior from others, that I was in a situation that I did not know how to handle and that I also acted out in response to that situation. I was not prioritizing my children when they were younger, because I was in a situation and I sunk into depression. I wasn't there for them. I mean, I did go to all their activities that parents go to, but I wasn't really there for them emotionally, because I was having my pity party, and that is what they saw.
I have gotten a lot stronger, and I don't point my finger anymore. I'm taking responsibility for myself now. The last year has been terrific for my younger daughter, my son, and myself. I have re established bonds with them, both as a mother, and as a friend. I'll be moving next year so that I live closer to them. They both live 3 hours from me now.
I have also gotten to where when I see my ex and his gf, I can hug them hello and goodbye. I can even talk to them. Well, mostly I can talk to the gf, my ex still somewhat ignores me except for greetings. He has to acknowledge me then. lol
My son (33) and daughter (30) are new homeowners. They call me about home maintenance, they call me to help them with home projects, and they call me for emotional support.
So, my suggestion would be to not discuss anything about what you went through with them. Your perception and their perception can be different. Your anger and your resentments are understandable, just don't try to put your daughter in the middle of things and have her feel like she has to choose between you or her father, that never ends well. Show her what a strong person you are, and you are very strong. Live life well and to it's fullest. Always remember that your daughter is a unique individual with her own feelings, and her own thoughts, and also her own family now.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and let that light shine from you
amy
I went through this also. I will be divorced 7 years tomorrow. It's funny, I just realized that now. I had to look at todays date to remember it will be 7 years. I was married for 27 years, 25 of them I lived with him, the other 2 were when we were going through divorce.
After I left, (they were in college at that time), my ex was in the home and when they came home from college or for the weekend, he was there, not me. I don't blame myself for that either, I had to leave. Well, anyway, I remember that my son had once told me that "he finally feels like he had a dad."
If you read anything on here that I've posted, you will also know that I have a "drama queen" daughter. I have cut contact with her. Well DQ daughter was married then and had 2 children. She started to invite my ex to all the birthday parties, and the holidays and left me out. She was also inviting all the relatives from my side of the family to these parties, with my ex and his gf, once we were divorced. Well, that started wars. Soon, none of my children were talking to me.
I could not understand how my son, who once told me, that he was afraid to leave for college, because he didn't want to leave me alone with his father, or my youngest daughter, who picked me up from the ER and her father punched me in the head, and she said to me at the hospital, I can't believe that you didn't leave him yet, would embrace my ex and his gf, and that they would ignore me.
It took me years to let go of my anger and resentment. When I was having my own anger, resentment and pity parties, I was pushing my children further away. They told me that it was like I was putting them in the middle of things and that I was forcing them to make a choice between their father or me. That I was putting myself on the cross (victim).
I mean, how can they say that to me? Did that not see all the things that happened when we were married? All the times that he hit me, can't they see that I was the one that was hurting?
It took me a few years of that where I just felt victimized. I had to work through that. I had to realize that I was the one that stayed, that I was the one that hid his behavior from others, that I was in a situation that I did not know how to handle and that I also acted out in response to that situation. I was not prioritizing my children when they were younger, because I was in a situation and I sunk into depression. I wasn't there for them. I mean, I did go to all their activities that parents go to, but I wasn't really there for them emotionally, because I was having my pity party, and that is what they saw.
I have gotten a lot stronger, and I don't point my finger anymore. I'm taking responsibility for myself now. The last year has been terrific for my younger daughter, my son, and myself. I have re established bonds with them, both as a mother, and as a friend. I'll be moving next year so that I live closer to them. They both live 3 hours from me now.
I have also gotten to where when I see my ex and his gf, I can hug them hello and goodbye. I can even talk to them. Well, mostly I can talk to the gf, my ex still somewhat ignores me except for greetings. He has to acknowledge me then. lol
My son (33) and daughter (30) are new homeowners. They call me about home maintenance, they call me to help them with home projects, and they call me for emotional support.
So, my suggestion would be to not discuss anything about what you went through with them. Your perception and their perception can be different. Your anger and your resentments are understandable, just don't try to put your daughter in the middle of things and have her feel like she has to choose between you or her father, that never ends well. Show her what a strong person you are, and you are very strong. Live life well and to it's fullest. Always remember that your daughter is a unique individual with her own feelings, and her own thoughts, and also her own family now.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and let that light shine from you
amy
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
HI Rae Ann, I also have a similar story. I left in May 2016. My children are both alienated from me which has absolutely shocked me. I never expected that. After the last unhappy meeting with my daughter, I have decided I will only speak to her now if she comes to see me alone and we talk honestly and kindly. DD did call tonight- and I admit I was short with her and ended the call before five minutes had gone by. Later I texted and apologized for being not a good telephone talker tonight. I just want to talk in person and tell her how she has hurt and excluded me this year- cursed, called me names, wouldn't discuss with me what she thought I was doing wrong. IT breaks my heart and I cry all the time. I did tell her we must meet in person- just the two of us. I plan to point out I have been in pain and angry but never once mistreated her this year. I am seeing a counselor and she has pointed out to me that I was too giving and loving with the kids- tried to make everyone happy, and was the peacemaker- and there is homeostasis in a family system and they will put pressure on me to return to the servant role.
And to top everything off, I am feeling incredibly vulnerable, and just don't want to get hurt again by DD.
REally really sad!
And to top everything off, I am feeling incredibly vulnerable, and just don't want to get hurt again by DD.
REally really sad!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't know here qtpi. Sometimes I think I would prefer to be humble, see my own faults, not point out others and be happy, instead of trying to prove my rightness, and be miserable.
Sure, we saw and heard nasty language and felt abandoned by our children, but I needed to walk in their shoes for awhile, and I humbled myself, and my relationship is so much better then it ever was.
They now treat me with more respect, then ever before. They invite me over and want me to come over more. They now see me as a person also now, and not just as a "mom".
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Sure, we saw and heard nasty language and felt abandoned by our children, but I needed to walk in their shoes for awhile, and I humbled myself, and my relationship is so much better then it ever was.
They now treat me with more respect, then ever before. They invite me over and want me to come over more. They now see me as a person also now, and not just as a "mom".
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, rae.
Your daughter isn’t ready to talk honestly about it.
Give it time.
Time heals, or it doesn’t.
Meantime, you have your own life to live.
I have a bit of a problematical relationship with my grown son.
I wasn’t there for him when he was younger.
This I know.
I have owned my part in it, and made amends.
But there is a distance between us that may never be bridged.
That’s how it is. I have done my best to make up for past mistakes.
Dunno what else can be done.
Peace.
Your daughter isn’t ready to talk honestly about it.
Give it time.
Time heals, or it doesn’t.
Meantime, you have your own life to live.
I have a bit of a problematical relationship with my grown son.
I wasn’t there for him when he was younger.
This I know.
I have owned my part in it, and made amends.
But there is a distance between us that may never be bridged.
That’s how it is. I have done my best to make up for past mistakes.
Dunno what else can be done.
Peace.
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