Anger and Forgiveness

Old 12-01-2017, 01:39 PM
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Anger and Forgiveness

A friend sent this to me and it is helping me. I hope it helps someone else too:

The vision of God's spirit is the vision of innocence. It is not our job to forgive whom God has not condemned, but rather to remember that God condemns no one. Spirit heals through forgiveness and asks that we do likewise. Attack is an easier response than forgiveness, and that is why we are so tempted to give into it. Throughout our lives, we have seen more anger than examples of true forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean we suppress our anger; forgiveness means that we have asked for a miracle; the ability to see through the mistakes that someone has made to the truth that lies in all of our hearts. None of this "I'm too spiritual to be angry," for who among us is? Rather, we pray, "I am angry, dear God. But I am willing not to be. I am willing to see this situation another way." Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. Attack thoughts toward others are attacks on ourselves. The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive. If you can state, despite your resistance, your willingness to see the spiritual innocence, the light in the soul of the one who has harmed you, you have begun the journey to a deep and unshakable peace.

Dear GOD: There is someone whom I very much dislike. It is ______ My anger or unforgiveness is because.......................... I know that my ability to forgive this person is where my freedom lies, for my hatred and judgement are attacks upon myself. This hatred keeps me tied, dear Lord, to the guilt within my mind, and I am willing to be free. Dear God, please help me. I surrender to You my thoughts of this person's guilt. I allow myself to fully feel my pain, my sense of violation. My fear that this person will hurt me again. I take these feelings and place them in Your hands. May Your love be like a bonfire in which my feelings can transform. I know my attack thoughts are hurting me, And yet I feel I cannot let them go. And so I say to You, Dear Lord, I am willing to see this person's innocence. I am willing to see the pain in him that would make him do these things. I am willing to have my perceptions healed that I might rise above, that I might hurt no longer, that I might be released from this wheel of suffering. For I know that if I could drop this, i would be set free. I cannot do this for myself, Dear Lord. In spite of my pain, in spite of my resistance, I pray for this person. I ask that this person be healed and given new life, As I ask for surcease from my own pain. For truly we are reborn or we die together. I know this. I am willing to have a miracle. I am willing to forgive. I need Your strength to do so. Thank You, Lord, for making me bigger, for bringing me closer to the divine power in my own heart. I surrender this person to You. I surrender my pain to You. Heal him. Heal me. Thank You. Amen
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Old 12-01-2017, 05:45 PM
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It helped me to think: I don't have to forgive (and I can't generate forgiveness within myself just because I think it's the right thing to do). I do have to be open to the possibility of forgiveness, should it come to me.
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Old 12-01-2017, 05:48 PM
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(makes me think of Al-Anon Step 6 - it's about becoming "entirely ready" for a spiritual transformation, not about immediately changing our thoughts and feelings).
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Old 12-02-2017, 05:43 AM
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I am not there.... :-(

I so appreciate this post. Although I am in a better place at this point, I am still very angry at my AH.
I am going to see about an al anon meeting this morning. I got the al anon book in the mail yesterday and all the entries are all great but I don’t know how to use the book. Hopefully a meeting will help me with that.
Yes, I know in my head I need to let go of the anger my heart still is on fire and doesn’t know how to heal.
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Old 12-02-2017, 08:06 AM
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I am definitely not there either but I’m going to read this as part of my daily routine to try and help me get closer.
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Old 12-02-2017, 12:49 PM
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For me...I think that a big chunk of healing from deep resentments is just the simple fact that we get to a place that we are willing to allow certain things to become past/ancient history.....and just put it down....because it no longer serves us...
My life experience has shown me that the anger/resentment can be a good motivator to take care of ourselves, at certain times....
and, it can take a period of time...sometimes, a long time....to be able to set that baggage down......
It can't be forced down our throat too much.....
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Old 12-02-2017, 11:26 PM
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I strongly agree w/what dandy said here^^. Forgiveness is something I've struggled with for most of my life, and it's only in the last couple of years that I've begun to understand who I'm really doing it for and what it really means.

I'd like to share an AA story:

Paul, an alcoholic, is bound and determined to swim three miles across a glacier-fed lake, carrying a thirty-pound anvil the whole way. Jumping into the ice-cold water, he begins to swim across with one arm, holding on to that anvil as if for dear life. Less than halfway across, he is struggling mightily. The anvil, which seemed so easy to lift when he was back on shore, now feels like an anchor. His lungs are burning, his muscles are screaming, and he is beginning to panic.

On the opposite shore he can hear people yelling. A minister cries out, "Hang on! We're praying for you!". A doctor shouts, "Don't give up! We're doing research, and eventually we'll figure this out!". A psychiatrist loudly encourages the sinking swimmer to reflect on his childhood in order to lighten his load, while a philosopher holds up a huge banner printed with big letters: "Willpower! Ethics! Morals!".

Confused, gasping for breath, certain that he is about to die, Paul hears one clear, insistent voice rising above the others.

It is the voice of an AA member; "DROP THE DAMN ANVIL!".


Resentment and anger are the anvil, but I had to get good and tired of swimming that lake using only one arm before I was ready to drop the anvil. It takes time, that's for sure, and time takes time.

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Old 12-04-2017, 09:30 AM
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I have not yet begun to forgive A-MIL for getting drunk and almost killing my kid when he was almost 4 months old while AW was in the hospital and I was with her.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:24 AM
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There have been many times that I find myself lost in thought, imagining myself yelling at my STBXAH, his father, his mother, his sister, and his aunt. I've written them letters I've never sent too.

I am embarrassed to admit how much time I've lost or wasted doing this.

With the latest situation in my divorce process, and since I was sent this passage, I am doing my best to start opening up my heart to the possibility of forgiveness so that I can start to reclaim my thoughts and unburden my heart and mind.

I am doing this not for them but for me. Holding onto this "anvil" from Honeypig's story is becoming an anchor for me.

I chose to divorce my STBXAH because I wanted a better life for my son and for me away from the chaos, sadness, and madness. Holding onto my anger and resentment though , I think, is holding me back from the better life I want. Over the last 48 hours, I've spent a lot of time thinking that if I don't figure out a way to be open to forgiveness and "Give him to God" every time I feel trespassed then I'll continue to be stuck in the same chaos, sadness, and madness. Maybe I'll live in a different house but as long as I don't change my thoughts and feelings, I'll remain his hostage.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by BAW81 View Post
Maybe I'll live in a different house but as long as I don't change my thoughts and feelings, I'll remain his hostage.
I think you said it all, right here, BAW.
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:31 AM
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That was beautifully written, BAW (post #9)
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Old 12-04-2017, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I think you said it all, right here, BAW.
Thank you for your post, Honeypig! It's made a impact on me and helping me redirect my energy. I know I will falter but I am going to try...
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Old 12-04-2017, 01:20 PM
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For me the fastest way to let go of resentment is a fourth step. I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?" In terms of a bad relationship I had the answer was I picked him and chose to stay. It really helps to put the focus on me and my character defects instead of pointing the finger at someone else. Of course I frequently want to, but this just keeps feeding the anger.
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Old 12-04-2017, 01:26 PM
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I know my attack thoughts are hurting me.

Thank you BAW. I copied your op. This was the sentence that I attached to the most. I'm trying not to react as my first line of defense.
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Old 12-04-2017, 02:12 PM
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I know my attack thoughts are hurting me.
There's a Buddhist saying: "we're not punished for our anger, we're punished WITH our anger". The alcoholic checked out long ago and doesn't give a s*it, we're the ones with the rage and turmoil.
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Old 12-05-2017, 04:34 AM
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[QUOTE=NYCDoglvr;6696498] The alcoholic checked out long ago and doesn't give a s*it, we're the ones with the rage and turmoil.[QUOTE]

This smacked me right between the eyes this morning.
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Old 12-05-2017, 04:54 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
doesn't give a s*it, we're the ones with the rage and turmoil.
But they do. They can say what a b***** we are and can continue drinking. They can also tell all who will listen how crazy we are. Disengagement is the only way.
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Old 12-05-2017, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
But they do. They can say what a b***** we are and can continue drinking. They can also tell all who will listen how crazy we are. Disengagement is the only way.
I will admit, knowing that my STBXAH has convinced himself that I am to blame for everything and goes on a smear campaign to his family and friends does sting...no, I'll be honest it's INFURIATING.

I'm trying to get better at accepting that it doesn't matter what he says and again this is another behavior I cannot control. I know who I am, I am at peace knowing all of my actions are from a good place, and if others believe him then "oh well."

It isn't worth my energy worrying about what others believe about me. As long as I can close my eyes each night knowing that tried my best to do the right thing then its just going to have to do for now.

One of my friends said something to me the other day and it resonated with me, she said "God is watching. God knows what you're doing and why you're doing it. " I'm trying to remember that when friends tell me about the lies he's spewing to anyone that will listen.
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Old 12-05-2017, 08:02 AM
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Good thinking, BAW. You remind me of this prayer:


The Anyway Prayer

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.




-this version is credited to Mother Teresa


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Old 12-05-2017, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Good thinking, BAW. You remind me of this prayer:


The Anyway Prayer

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.




-this version is credited to Mother Teresa


I love this! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
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