Hello.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
Hello.
For two weeks now I've been browsing forums, reading "Immortal Alcoholic" blogs, reading Psychology Today magazines, etc., and I've come to the conclusion that I am married to a high-functioning alcoholic. Since coming to this realization, SO many things make sense that never did before.
We've tried marriage counseling. Counseling with an addict is a HORROR.
Anyway, I'm new to this. All of it. I have 2 kids that live in the home, both under the age of 12. We do not have an Alanon here. I would need to leave my kids at home and drive 30 minutes out of town for that, and I'm not ready to leave my kids with the person I do not trust to stay sober and awake while I am gone.
Yesterday I wrote down nearly everything I needed to say to him, along with charts and graphs of moderate/excessive/heavy drinking. Lord, I forgot to print the one that lists all of the damage to the body that will occur from the abuse. *sigh* So, I texted him while he was at work, and asked for time with him before Ms. Vino and Madame Bourbon arrived so that we could have a talk. I assured him that I was not mad, but I needed to have some conversation.
I told him that I loved him. His alcohol is damaging our marriage. "I'm afraid that you are trying to drink yourself to death. Heavy drinking will cause major damage to your body and mind." His answer? "When is this going to happen?"
So the HFA says, "so you spent the last two weeks getting me a Google diagnosis? How does that make you feel?" I didn't answer this.
"I'm full of resentment towards you, we never have sex. I have PTSD from my childhood. Wait a minute, you count my drinks? Did I embarrass you last night?"
Instead of rising to the baiting, I turned to my notebook where I had written my starting point of boundaries. "Boundaries for me, not rules for you. I can't change you or fix you."
So, we talked a while longer about the boundaries. I ended the conversation early because he was starting to bait and talk about how emotional he gets while drinking. Thirty minutes later, he says, "So what was all that for? I'm not an alcoholic."
Thanks for letting me share.
We've tried marriage counseling. Counseling with an addict is a HORROR.
Anyway, I'm new to this. All of it. I have 2 kids that live in the home, both under the age of 12. We do not have an Alanon here. I would need to leave my kids at home and drive 30 minutes out of town for that, and I'm not ready to leave my kids with the person I do not trust to stay sober and awake while I am gone.
Yesterday I wrote down nearly everything I needed to say to him, along with charts and graphs of moderate/excessive/heavy drinking. Lord, I forgot to print the one that lists all of the damage to the body that will occur from the abuse. *sigh* So, I texted him while he was at work, and asked for time with him before Ms. Vino and Madame Bourbon arrived so that we could have a talk. I assured him that I was not mad, but I needed to have some conversation.
I told him that I loved him. His alcohol is damaging our marriage. "I'm afraid that you are trying to drink yourself to death. Heavy drinking will cause major damage to your body and mind." His answer? "When is this going to happen?"
So the HFA says, "so you spent the last two weeks getting me a Google diagnosis? How does that make you feel?" I didn't answer this.
"I'm full of resentment towards you, we never have sex. I have PTSD from my childhood. Wait a minute, you count my drinks? Did I embarrass you last night?"
Instead of rising to the baiting, I turned to my notebook where I had written my starting point of boundaries. "Boundaries for me, not rules for you. I can't change you or fix you."
So, we talked a while longer about the boundaries. I ended the conversation early because he was starting to bait and talk about how emotional he gets while drinking. Thirty minutes later, he says, "So what was all that for? I'm not an alcoholic."
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
It is frustrating isn’t it? The denials, lies, broken promises, the manipulation, all of it. It wears you down. And trying to keep the kids from hearing it is almost impossible.
You may not have Alanon nearby, but can you find a therapist you can talk to? It helps to have someone not involved to help explain things and give you the tools you need to cope.
Many of us are in the same situation or were at one time. Feel free to vent all you need.
You may not have Alanon nearby, but can you find a therapist you can talk to? It helps to have someone not involved to help explain things and give you the tools you need to cope.
Many of us are in the same situation or were at one time. Feel free to vent all you need.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
Hi Challenger2013, yes I'm looking for a therapist, but it will have to be out of pocket. Probably after the new year. Last night's chat, I sent the kids into another room with the volume up on the TV with the, "I need to talk about Christmas with dad" approach. 
He didn't drink last night. I just have to find ways of not obsessing. Yay, Christmas cooking and ignore the AH? lol
He didn't drink last night. I just have to find ways of not obsessing. Yay, Christmas cooking and ignore the AH? lol
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
He will not be ready for data research until he's ready. Even when he does the fact finding, he might blow off the data. The important thing is what are you going to do for yourself with this information? Are you protecting yourself financially? Are you finding ways to minimize and relieve your anxiety and the childrens that comes from living with an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi, Newbie and welcome. I'm glad you're here.
You seem to have a good handle onwhat you're up against, but I don't think it can be stated enough that "functioning" is not a Type of alcoholism, merely a Stage. Left untreated, alcoholism progresses. There is no way to predict the speed of decline, but it is inevitable.
Rather than focusing on figuring out how to get him to see that this is a problem, your energy is far better spent figuring out how to best take care of yourself and your kids regardless of what happens with him.
You seem to have a good handle onwhat you're up against, but I don't think it can be stated enough that "functioning" is not a Type of alcoholism, merely a Stage. Left untreated, alcoholism progresses. There is no way to predict the speed of decline, but it is inevitable.
Rather than focusing on figuring out how to get him to see that this is a problem, your energy is far better spent figuring out how to best take care of yourself and your kids regardless of what happens with him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
@hearthealth--Well I am a SAHM that home-schools the kids, so there's that. I have a part-time job. We own the house.
The rest, I'm working on. If the SHTF I'm sure he'll have plenty of party-houses to go to, cause kids and I are staying. He can even take the RV and go live in that if that floats his boat. Last night was the very first time I have approached him with this information.
Right now I'm just taking one day at a time, until I find a therapist and more info for me and kids.
The rest, I'm working on. If the SHTF I'm sure he'll have plenty of party-houses to go to, cause kids and I are staying. He can even take the RV and go live in that if that floats his boat. Last night was the very first time I have approached him with this information.
Right now I'm just taking one day at a time, until I find a therapist and more info for me and kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Hi, Newbie and welcome. I'm glad you're here.
You seem to have a good handle onwhat you're up against, but I don't think it can be stated enough that "functioning" is not a Type of alcoholism, merely a Stage. Left untreated, alcoholism progresses. There is no way to predict the speed of decline, but it is inevitable.
Rather than focusing on figuring out how to get him to see that this is a problem, your energy is far better spent figuring out how to best take care of yourself and your kids regardless of what happens with him.
You seem to have a good handle onwhat you're up against, but I don't think it can be stated enough that "functioning" is not a Type of alcoholism, merely a Stage. Left untreated, alcoholism progresses. There is no way to predict the speed of decline, but it is inevitable.
Rather than focusing on figuring out how to get him to see that this is a problem, your energy is far better spent figuring out how to best take care of yourself and your kids regardless of what happens with him.
Thank you, I'm trying... and yes I've read about it. I guess I just wanted to plant a seed and see what sprouts.
That's the plan (not a plan yet!) In progress. Knowledge is power, and reading these stories is like seeing my own stories. It's helping me to step back and see a heckuva lot better.
Last edited by ImaNewbie; 12-01-2017 at 07:37 AM. Reason: clarity
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You might want to try to find an online al-anon meeting or at least downloading some of their literature or send away for one of their books, “Courage to Change” is a good one.
What are some boundaries you have come up with for yourself? And how do you plan on addressing them when they get crossed?
"Boundaries for me, not rules for you. I can't change you or fix you."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
@atalose,
I really need to find something on codependancy. We've been walking on eggshells for a while to keep from enraging the demon. I shook the entire time I was trying to talk to him but kept my cool and he kept his. I got thrown off last night because, after asking what the entire conversation was in reference to, he said, "Kudos to you then, for talking to me."
He wants my attention and will even THANK me when I blow up at him. He even loves negative attention.
Again, I am NEW at this. These are things I'm doing to protect myself.
"I will not have any semblance of a serious discussion while you are drinking." He won't remember it anyway.
"I will not be intimate with you when you have been drinking."
Cause it's gross.
"I will not engage when you bait me."
He SEEMS to love to fight with me.
Maybe these aren't boundaries. I think it's a start.
Now it's time for lunch and math and laundry. I'll keep reading. Thank you.
I really need to find something on codependancy. We've been walking on eggshells for a while to keep from enraging the demon. I shook the entire time I was trying to talk to him but kept my cool and he kept his. I got thrown off last night because, after asking what the entire conversation was in reference to, he said, "Kudos to you then, for talking to me."
He wants my attention and will even THANK me when I blow up at him. He even loves negative attention.
Again, I am NEW at this. These are things I'm doing to protect myself.
"I will not have any semblance of a serious discussion while you are drinking." He won't remember it anyway.
"I will not be intimate with you when you have been drinking."
Cause it's gross.
"I will not engage when you bait me."
He SEEMS to love to fight with me.
Maybe these aren't boundaries. I think it's a start.
Now it's time for lunch and math and laundry. I'll keep reading. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Those are good boundaries, but the other part of maintaining those boundaries is figuring out what you will do when he crosses them. You cannot depend on other people to respect your boundaries, so you have to empower yourself to act when they are crossed.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by firebolt
I believe there are online and call in Alanon meetings, they help!!
In my opinion, the face-to-face component of Alanon is a very, very important part of the experience. However, if you have no other option, certainly these other formats are available.
I know that SR has a chat room and many chat meetings, but I've never availed myself of this feature and can't give any personal experience with it. Here is a link: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-discussions/
Amazon has a ton of used Alanon literature available. Some suggestions for starters would be "Paths to Recovery" and "How Alanon Works." For me, reading these books really helped me understand the program. If you care to search, there are also Alanon books available online as PDFs, or as audio files.
It's a long hard slog. Keep going.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Another good book specifically addressing codependency is by Melody Beattie called "Codependent no more."
Those are healthy boundaries but as sparklekitty mentioned, what is your plan for if/when he crosses those boundaries? That's the hard part!!
Those are healthy boundaries but as sparklekitty mentioned, what is your plan for if/when he crosses those boundaries? That's the hard part!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Ima.....As atalose just mentioned..."CoDependent No More" is like a "bible" around here.....I think you will find it to be an easy/good read...and, you will probably find a lot that will resonate with you....
You can find it on Amazon.com....and, you can get used copies quite cheaply....
I highly recommend it....
I am sending you the link to our extensive library of excellent articles....there are dozens and dozens of them....a virtual "boot camp" of informative and inspirational articles....I hope that you will take the time to read through them.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You can find it on Amazon.com....and, you can get used copies quite cheaply....
I highly recommend it....
I am sending you the link to our extensive library of excellent articles....there are dozens and dozens of them....a virtual "boot camp" of informative and inspirational articles....I hope that you will take the time to read through them.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
IN,
Welcome and glad you reached out for help, for you. There is a lot of help for us codies, we just need to embrace it.
I agree with all the posters... work on your boundaries. Boundaries are for you, you don't need to state them to him, they are an action. If he is drunk and throws up, don't pick it up. If he passes out on the toilet, don't bring him to bed. If he is too sick to go to work, don't call in for him.
This about taking your independence back. I would make it very clear that the children are not to get in the car if Dad is drinking!!! Your kids are old enough that they see Dad acting strangely. My kids knew from a very early age that Dad had a problem with alcohol and they were not allowed to drive with him. It was ok for them to say no. Frank discussion with your kids is a good thing, but age-appropriate information. I would discuss this with the therapist.
I would agree, education is power. If I knew then what I know now about addiction, I wouldn't have wasted 1/2 my life with my addict. Keep posting, don't engage and things will calm down. Hugs
Welcome and glad you reached out for help, for you. There is a lot of help for us codies, we just need to embrace it.
I agree with all the posters... work on your boundaries. Boundaries are for you, you don't need to state them to him, they are an action. If he is drunk and throws up, don't pick it up. If he passes out on the toilet, don't bring him to bed. If he is too sick to go to work, don't call in for him.
This about taking your independence back. I would make it very clear that the children are not to get in the car if Dad is drinking!!! Your kids are old enough that they see Dad acting strangely. My kids knew from a very early age that Dad had a problem with alcohol and they were not allowed to drive with him. It was ok for them to say no. Frank discussion with your kids is a good thing, but age-appropriate information. I would discuss this with the therapist.
I would agree, education is power. If I knew then what I know now about addiction, I wouldn't have wasted 1/2 my life with my addict. Keep posting, don't engage and things will calm down. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 516
Hi Ima, if you like listening to podcasts, here’s a link to one Al Anon friend sent me. It’s on boundaries and I found it very helpful.
https://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/recovery-show-finding-serenity-through-12-step-recovery/id591460709?mt=2&i=1000377633688
https://itunes.apple.com/ie/podcast/recovery-show-finding-serenity-through-12-step-recovery/id591460709?mt=2&i=1000377633688
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You may want to seek out a Celebrate Recovery meeting which is similar to Alanon, with more of a spiritual component. Many have classes for children and if not free babysitting in many cases. It would be worth checking into. CR saved me during some very dark days.
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