I know I want a better life.
 

I read some of your stories and I am saddened. I remember feeling as so many of you do. I read some stories and I am grateful that my situation never got as bad as yours. I read the posts and I watch some of you grow and I feel proud of you. I am happy with you! And there are even times that I have read posts and found myself crying right along with you as well.

Personal boundaries was a strange concept to me. I realized after coming here that I had none. I was a doormat, plain and simple. I always wanted a better life, but realized that the things I thought I needed/wanted to have a better life were mostly centered around my A and wanting him to change. I knew also that although I wanted a better life, I was clueless as to how to get it! Well......that was then and now is now.

I know that I want a better life. I am trying to get that.

I will not ever live with an active user again.
I will never take the blame again for someone else's choices.
I shall not pay the consequences of someone else's choices.
I will only accept someone giving me what I give them, nothing less.
I will not clean up another person's body fluids because of their addiction.
I will not clean up an A's mess that they made while using (whether it be financial or otherwise)
I will not allow someone to treat me badly to make themselves feel better.
I will not allow my self-respect to be taken away.
I will no longer try to argue or reason with someone that is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
I will not allow anyone to suck me into thier life to the point that my priorities are skewered. I will remain focused on my children and myself first!
I shall not let someone that doesn't understand what it's like to live with an A convince me that they are right in thier thoughts and feelings.
I will not allow another person to convince me that my feelings are not real or that they do not matter.
I will continue to work on myself! And remind myself that other's are not my responsibility to change!

There are many other things that I will not do and things that I will do to get my life in order. I just wanted to share with you that I am on my way to a better life and I choose to succeed! I know that I want a better life - and I will have a better life!

Won't you all join me in posting how you plan to acheive getting a better life! Perhaps we will get ideas from each other - but we are also putting ourselves out there to be held accountable by our supporters here as we continue on our journey!

Standing, with that attitude, you can't miss. Good for you.

Great post, Standing.

This one I repeat to myself at least 50 times a day:

I will not allow anyone to disrespect me and I will not disrespect myself.

That covers just about everything for me.
L

In order to make our lives better, there are definitely things we should NOT do anymore.
But let's not forget to add things that we should start doing as well.
We Codies tend to forget to spend time nurturing ourselves.
You can make a list of things that you want to start doing, or just add one thing every day.
I found this on the internet today, and I like it.
"Every night, before you go to bed, write down three good things that happened to you duing the day."
This is supposed to steer your thoughts in a positive direction and help you sleep better.
I like it, I'm adding it to my to do list.

Just getting started in the journey...
 

Thanks for the inspiration, Standing. I am just getting started in looking at my life in a new way. I think the moment that put me there was when my AH was yelling, not letting me talk, not listening to my "side" of the situation. There's also a family crisis which I'm helping to handle (my sister is seriously ill) and he has shown no empathy or support. I realized that I will no longer attempt to argue with him when he has been drinking. I am looking at going to an Al-anon meeting, even if I don't tell him.
Every weekend, he spends the evenings, and sometimes the whole day drinking. I no longer spend time with him then, because I'm tired of seeing him passed out with a glass of whiskey in his hand.
I guess not being with him is my boundary....but I haven't told him that's not why I'm not with him. He's mad that I'm not there when he wants me to be My growing sons feel the same way...we all avoid him, and we talk together about the problem, and that only he can make the change to sobriety. Any advice out there? Thanks.
:argue: :boggled:

just beginning the journey
 

Thanks for the inspiration, Standing, and everyone on the post. I am so new that I don't know what I did to get two posts on. OOPS!
calmlady :34:

I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty for something I'm not responsible for.

I'm not going to let anyone ever convince me again that what I know to be true is wrong.

I will no longer cover up for a person who is an A. is one of mine as well as a whole lot of things I am doing to focus on the lives of me and my children.
Rose

Well, my "I will no longer..." list could go on for quite a while. :-)

But in the spirit of what Gabe has said, what am I going to DO to make my life better?

The one I think of right now is that I am going to get to know ME.
I have always changed myself to accomodate whomever I am with.
Reinventing myself at 22 to be instant Mom for my first husband's three small children.
Reinventing myself for my second husband (my AH) to be young and wild and fun and go to bars and play pool and be part of his world.
I did what they wanted, when they wanted, and nothing else. They chose who our friends were, what we ate, what we watched on TV, you name it. I just went along believing I was happy no matter what we did as long as they were happy. And it was harder for them to be happy unless they had things their way. I sawmyself as someone who was 'flexible'.

But now I suspect I just didn't see myself at all. I was just willing to pay any price for the companionship I craved.

I am taking time now to see myself, to identify what things I like, and then doing them.

I love deciding when I am going to eat, and what. I've found that I don't want to eat a big dinner, I always hated that actually. :-)
I love deciding what I am going to watch on TV (often Lifetime!). I am discovering I like all kinds of programs very much, even reality shows. I have a couple nights each week when I actually look forward to getting home and getting on my couch under a blanket to watch 'my shows'. What a concept!

I have recently embraced the part of me that wnats to travel.
I simply don't care about buying 'things' like other people might. I don't care as much about clothes, or jewelry, or manicures, or decorative stuff for my house.
The men in my life were so opposite, wanting THINGS. So I always suppressed this or was just frobidden saying it couldn't be 'afforded'.
But I would rather save $ to go on trips and see some places than buy most anything. Especially beaches!
So in two weeks I leave for Riviera Maya in Mexico. I am beyond excited! And last year I went for a week to Disney with Jessie, and we stayed in a Deluxe resort (woo hoo) and had the time of our life!
I love being able to just be that person, and not let someone else tell me it is wrong and I can't.

I am enjoying getting to know ME, and letting that person be herself and be in charge of herself.

Strong- Thank you for this thread!

I can love myself and enjoy my own company... I do smile and nod my head at strangers, holding the door for whomever is behind me at the store... I am expanding my social circle, making phone calls just to wish someone well... I am enjoying my house and the TV remote (Jessie)...I do have a Domestic and Meal guide for M-F to give me ideas with motivation to run a tight ship at home w/less stress and scramble... When my AL is ornery or cancels plans on the phone, I wish him well and allow myself forgiveness rather than argue in the heat of the moment...After I brought my Chinese carry out supper home and ate it tonight, I called the manager to tell him how tasty it was and that I ate every bit...

Looking back, I've got to admit I've done the same thing...
It's only been VERY recently that I've gotten back to being ME. I can only hope (and work at) remaining true to myself the next time I get involved in a relationship... not lose myself to the object of my affections and the relationship.
In the meantime, I'm taking photos, riding my horse -- watching "my" tv shows, focusing on what I need to do to be happy.

I just wanted to say that I am so happy for all of us!!! It is so wonderful to be discovering ourselves, isn't it?

It is wonderful. Since "cutting him loose" earlier this week, I've been more at peace and more focused than I have ever been in the past year or more... It feels good to not be obsessed with his drinking and our relationship and wringing my hands with worry over what's going to happen... I've smiled more in the past few days than I have in the past several months... life is good!

Standingstrong... thanks for starting this. I like Gabe's post about finding 3 good things that happened today. So many times I look at the negative and forget about the positive.

I'm becoming a better Christian.
I've started a journal that I can write my thoughts in.
I'm reading Codependent No More.
And... I'm trying to live my life one day at a time. No obsessing about the past and no worries about the future. That's hard work right there.

Thanks.

I think I'll do a little of both. Three good things that have happened today and three things I'll never do again.

Never
I will not clean up another person's body fluids because of their addiction.
I will not change myself beyond recognition for anyone.
I will not try to argue or reason with someone that is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Happiness
Stood on my porch in the rain before running out to my car. (The fall leaves just smell magnificent)
Got started with a therapist (my first eek!) on reducing my worry and anxiety.
Helped someone write an essay about my favorite book of all time (Lord of the Flies)