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Old 11-26-2017, 08:16 AM
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Christmas Plans

DS went to his grandmas for post Thanksgiving weekend while I entertained myself with shopping with friends etc. Grandma (XAHs mother) apparently invited me (without me knowing) and now is pouting about me not coming (which is weird). Anyway...

XAH brought him back 1 day early (which in a normal occurrence but made me happy because I missed him), and we headed out to get a Christmas tree 🎄 (that what DS wanted). Ther was a awkward moment when the "tree lot guy" suggested to take a "family picture" and I said no it's ok, and XAH was pouting for a while.

Then we went back to the house, I invited him in, and he waxed and waned about how he misses our holidays together and our traditions, which just seemed so superficial, and made me slightly mad, oh well.

I have succesfully "avoided" Thanksgiving together, but DS was asking if dad can do Christmas Eve dinner with us - and I caved in. Not sure how it bodes for my recovery - but I don't have extreme emotions in his presence anymore - just realization that he will never be the same. I told him he will need to purchase food and cook.

Please offer up your thoughts😊
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Old 11-26-2017, 08:50 AM
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Dear Nata
I too have discovered that my emotions are not all over the place any more. Maybe Christmas dinner will be nice.
I think the whole point of our program, is to get over having a problem with their drinking/using/etc....
Sounds like you are doing great!
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Old 11-26-2017, 10:44 AM
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Nata....I think that, in an ideal world, it is best if the adults in a child's life can proceed with civility and respect for each other. After all, this is where the developing child learns the first...and, maybe the most lasting lessons about how people should be in relationships....
Of course, I realize that alcoholism, abuse, and many mental disorders can make this very, very difficult to do....and warp some situations....
If you can carry off the Christmas dinner....I see that as a good thing...at least for your son....
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Old 11-26-2017, 12:20 PM
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Can you put some time limits around Christmas dinner? E.g. you and your son have to be somewhere at 7.30, so you'll need to have everything finished by 7.00? Possibly a friend could help you out by offering a well-timed invitation.

From what you said about your ex, it sounds like he's a little undisciplined about paying attention to when he is or isn't in someone else's space, so having some external boundaries on the dinner might help.
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Old 11-26-2017, 12:57 PM
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Pray and go with what you feel in your gut... go with your instincts, trust them. (((Hugs)))

It's okay to put yourself first in this equation. If you cancel plans, if you go forward with them, whatever is best for YOU is truly what's healthiest for your child.

Kids are resilient and it's okay for them to not like our decisions. We don't have the right to change or manipulate their feelings. We do have every right to keep them in safe environments. Sometimes that can include an ill parent. Sometimes it doesn't.

May you have a very merry Christmas, however the plans shake out!

KTF
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Old 11-26-2017, 03:19 PM
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Thank you all for thoughtful responses.

I guess the only thing that bothers me is that somehow XAH is using me again for emotional support, as well as inviting himself to the "better parts of our life". He was trying to sneak into our fall break beach vacation - I said no to that - and maybe another time, and that he needs to pay for a half of it (which will never happen cause he is always broke)

Also, he is very vocal about "missing our traditions and vacations", but not so eager to join in when I need help caring for a sick child. Just seems very self centered to me IMO

Good idea about time limits, I will also ask him to purchase groceries and maybe even cook - this way I don't spend time and money on him.
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Old 11-26-2017, 06:07 PM
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While my husband has said he misses those things, too, he also has been mentally checked out of those events and more concerned about drinking than time with us. It seems now like we were just more of the "feel good" stuff, including giving him attention...
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Old 11-26-2017, 07:13 PM
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I will also ask him to purchase groceries and maybe even cook - this way I don't spend time and money on him.
Is he reliable enough to follow through on this?

I could see various things play out. (NOTE: May be projecting here. My sister pulled variations on these stunts during family dinners.)

1) I'm not feeling well. Can't cook. Have a great time!
2) I'm at the supermarket. Can you believe that they ran out of XYZ? Do you have something in the fridge?
3) I have everything BUT the one crucial ingredient. Can you go out and get some? I'm cooking.

I would make alternative plans just in case.
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Old 12-10-2017, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
Pray and go with what you feel in your gut... go with your instincts, trust them. (((Hugs)))

It's okay to put yourself first in this equation. If you cancel plans, if you go forward with them, whatever is best for YOU is truly what's healthiest for your child.

Kids are resilient and it's okay for them to not like our decisions. We don't have the right to change or manipulate their feelings. We do have every right to keep them in safe environments. Sometimes that can include an ill parent. Sometimes it doesn't.

May you have a very merry Christmas, however the plans shake out!

KTF

Hi Nata!

My words are coming back to me today, as I feel my gut instinct push me outside my comfort zone yet again and do something radically different for Christmas this year -- put myself first.

As I've heard, "all the joy and happiness I'll ever want is right outside my comfort zone."

How are you doing today? (((Hugs)))
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Old 12-10-2017, 11:31 AM
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Hi there - thanks for checking in

The Christmas plans with XAH are now limited to Christmas Eve dinner (3 hours), with XAH purchasing groceries and cooking the whole thing.

Doing pretty well - there were some issues with parenting time being cut short again over the weekend - but I stood my ground and did not engage. Proud of myself!
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Old 12-11-2017, 08:37 AM
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Yes, I second a time limit. You don't want to have to eat up your entire Xmas Eve having him there playing house.

Big hugs.
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