OT: Does he have a pulse? Is he actually paying attention to me?
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OT: Does he have a pulse? Is he actually paying attention to me?
For some reason, I just felt the need to write this today...
As a young adult with no self esteem, these were literally my two criteria in a man. Especially the "is he actually paying attention to me?" bit. I believed that I should take whatever I could get as far as relationship material was concerned. Bad Temper? Irresponsible? Debt-ridden? Lack of goals in life? No moral compass? Didn't matter...I overlooked all of this and more in some of my early relationships and even in my first marriage. Bonus points if he was a "lost soul" so that I could feel needed.
Makes me nauseous to think about it now, but I did not believe I was worthy of a man of substance and character. Why would any man with sterling qualities want someone like me? It makes me sad to know that this is a mistake that so many young people make when looking for someone with whom to share their life.
When I met my late husband, I thought long and hard about what life with him would look like. What were his values, his beliefs? Was he kind and generous to all? Was he funny and smart? Did I find him attractive? Did we share some of the same goals? Turns out he was...and we did. Even though we only knew each other for 8 short years (married for an even shorter 6 years), I never regretted marrying that man...I think because we took so much time to get to know one another.
If I can't set a good example, at least let me be a cautionary tale.
Please don't devalue yourselves. You are worthy of taking the time to get to know someone and deciding whether or not that person has the kind of character that you want and need in a significant other. It's OK to say no to the first warm body that comes along if that warm body has baggage (like 5 carry ons, 6 full-sized wheeled suitcases, and 15 steamer trunks).
Being discerning about a potential mate is *not* a bad thing. Trust me and my sad experience (and the experiences of plenty of others here), you are worth it.
As a young adult with no self esteem, these were literally my two criteria in a man. Especially the "is he actually paying attention to me?" bit. I believed that I should take whatever I could get as far as relationship material was concerned. Bad Temper? Irresponsible? Debt-ridden? Lack of goals in life? No moral compass? Didn't matter...I overlooked all of this and more in some of my early relationships and even in my first marriage. Bonus points if he was a "lost soul" so that I could feel needed.
Makes me nauseous to think about it now, but I did not believe I was worthy of a man of substance and character. Why would any man with sterling qualities want someone like me? It makes me sad to know that this is a mistake that so many young people make when looking for someone with whom to share their life.
When I met my late husband, I thought long and hard about what life with him would look like. What were his values, his beliefs? Was he kind and generous to all? Was he funny and smart? Did I find him attractive? Did we share some of the same goals? Turns out he was...and we did. Even though we only knew each other for 8 short years (married for an even shorter 6 years), I never regretted marrying that man...I think because we took so much time to get to know one another.
If I can't set a good example, at least let me be a cautionary tale.
Please don't devalue yourselves. You are worthy of taking the time to get to know someone and deciding whether or not that person has the kind of character that you want and need in a significant other. It's OK to say no to the first warm body that comes along if that warm body has baggage (like 5 carry ons, 6 full-sized wheeled suitcases, and 15 steamer trunks).
Being discerning about a potential mate is *not* a bad thing. Trust me and my sad experience (and the experiences of plenty of others here), you are worth it.
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Seren, thank you for this. It was exactly the way I have been for so many years also. The only thing really necessary for me to get involved was for the person in question to seem to be interested in me. And setting the bar at that level, I got exactly what you'd expect.
I didn't know any better, so I couldn't do any better. I'd never seen a real live model of how this was supposed to work, so there was simply no way I could have known.
Now, I see one of my nieces living her life largely boyfriend-free b/c she simply isn't that interested right now--she is adventuring and exploring and living life as you can only when you are young, full of energy and life, and unencumbered. She did an internship in Atlanta, decided she didn't care for the city, and is going next to Denver. And she can--there is no one and nothing to tie her down.
I see another niece who has spent a couple of years involved w/a guy I simply couldn't imagine how she had gotten together with in the first place. A year or so ago, he was busted for possession of heroin. He got off w/probation. A few months into that, he was busted again, for possession w/intent to sell, and he went to jail on this one. She did the "standing by her man" thing for several months, but recently my sis noticed that her status on FB and other social media was set to single, so although the niece hasn't formally declared that she's done, it looks like she has made that decision, thank heavens.
In both of these girls, I see a strength and clarity that I certainly never had at their age.
I hope that anyone of any age reading this thread gets a good long look at the part about not devaluing oneself and takes it to heart.
I didn't know any better, so I couldn't do any better. I'd never seen a real live model of how this was supposed to work, so there was simply no way I could have known.
Now, I see one of my nieces living her life largely boyfriend-free b/c she simply isn't that interested right now--she is adventuring and exploring and living life as you can only when you are young, full of energy and life, and unencumbered. She did an internship in Atlanta, decided she didn't care for the city, and is going next to Denver. And she can--there is no one and nothing to tie her down.
I see another niece who has spent a couple of years involved w/a guy I simply couldn't imagine how she had gotten together with in the first place. A year or so ago, he was busted for possession of heroin. He got off w/probation. A few months into that, he was busted again, for possession w/intent to sell, and he went to jail on this one. She did the "standing by her man" thing for several months, but recently my sis noticed that her status on FB and other social media was set to single, so although the niece hasn't formally declared that she's done, it looks like she has made that decision, thank heavens.
In both of these girls, I see a strength and clarity that I certainly never had at their age.
I hope that anyone of any age reading this thread gets a good long look at the part about not devaluing oneself and takes it to heart.
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Bonus points if he was a "lost soul" so that I could feel needed.
Makes me nauseous to think about it now,
Please don't devalue yourselves. You are worthy of taking the time to get to know someone and deciding whether or not that person has the kind of character that you want and need in a significant other. It's OK to say no to the first warm body that comes along if that warm body has baggage (like 5 carry ons, 6 full-sized wheeled suitcases, and 15 steamer trunks).
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Completely agree with you all..
I didn’t value myself when I was young, and this led to some poor decisions re relationships.
It took a long, long time to work past this.
When I read the very sad stories here of people staying with unsuitable partners, I can absolutely relate.
We all deserve partners who love and respect us.
I didn’t value myself when I was young, and this led to some poor decisions re relationships.
It took a long, long time to work past this.
When I read the very sad stories here of people staying with unsuitable partners, I can absolutely relate.
We all deserve partners who love and respect us.
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I have never thought of myself as pretty, so I was never confident enough to be interested in men who were fantastically good looking by societies standards. How could I possibly compete with all the gorgeous girls for the attention of someone like that? No way...
So, I suppose I was spared the heartache of chasing the good looking bad boy
So, I suppose I was spared the heartache of chasing the good looking bad boy
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Gosh I think so many could relate to this. I also think you're more likely to find a good mate when you aren't desperate and trying to find someone to feel a void in your life. The best relationships I had, with the kindest men, were when I was determined not to get into a relationship for a while, but then someone came along who I couldn't resist. Not because I was so lonely I just had to have someone, but because they were irresistible.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you forgot one.....CUTE. or handsome, sexy, nice ass, swagger, boyish OR manly, amazing eyes.....or other, um, assets.
my achilles heel. sigh.
my achilles heel. sigh.
I did want to add something else to this thread, though, because it's been on my mind quite a bit. You can also decide to stay single or leave a 'good man' even if he is compassionate, kind, thoughtful, good looking, is financially stable, has no arrest record....or whatever other character qualities/morals/values you insert here.....
If you aren't happy in the relationship, even if he or she is a good person and has great qualities overall, you still have permission to let them go and to move on towards other things. So, even if you know you found a good mate, you aren't required to stay just because they aren't an abusive alcoholic or drug addict!
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Seren, you could be me. You soon learn whether you're considered pretty at middle school, but there were plenty of girls who weren't but were carried through by their shining self-confidence.
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Yeah, in middle school I was not one of those carried along by self-confidence.
At this point, I may never have another romantic relationship again. But if God does put someone in my path, I will know what I am worth...in a way that I did not know as a young woman. It is something I wish I could give to every young person...
At this point, I may never have another romantic relationship again. But if God does put someone in my path, I will know what I am worth...in a way that I did not know as a young woman. It is something I wish I could give to every young person...
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I want to find a man of good character but I'm still stuck on my EXABF. I never wanted the bad boy, but I do want someone I find attractive. He fooled me into thinking he was a man of integrity. I think I need to stay single awhile longer and focus on me to be ready for someone great. I find reading everybody's posts encourages me to keep working on me.
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Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
I want to find a man of good character but I'm still stuck on my EXABF. I never wanted the bad boy, but I do want someone I find attractive. He fooled me into thinking he was a man of integrity. I think I need to stay single awhile longer and focus on me to be ready for someone great. I find reading everybody's posts encourages me to keep working on me.
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Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
I want to find a man of good character but I'm still stuck on my EXABF. I never wanted the bad boy, but I do want someone I find attractive. He fooled me into thinking he was a man of integrity. I think I need to stay single awhile longer and focus on me to be ready for someone great. I find reading everybody's posts encourages me to keep working on me.
I've learned that looking for someone with which to share my life is like interviewing job candidates. No one is going to be everything, but who will be the best person for you. You have plenty of time to find out
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Thanks for the bump. It is hitting something that needed hit about loneliness, being willing to consider being in relationship again, and what I want/don't want.
I am starting to trust myself enough to take care of me. This thread is helping clarify so much though.
I am starting to trust myself enough to take care of me. This thread is helping clarify so much though.
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I so relate to your post. I got into a very dysfunctional relationship in my 10th year of sobriety, another recovering alcoholic with no program. My low self esteem told me the same lie. Today I wouldn't go out with another alcoholic if he was channeling Bill Wilson, lol. Especially if he was channeling Wilson, who was a big womanizer. So, his wife, Lois, started Al-Anon.
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