viola71

I keep finding myself getting frustrated with AH even though he isn’t living in the home. He has been on his PR tour around the country visiting relatives he’s had no relationship with for 20 years in order not to be alone during thanksgiving. He won’t do what he needs to do to work on himself he’s just running around tending to the image. My DS 20 and my DD 17 were home, my DD isn’t speaking to AH because she lived through the worst of it, my DS sees his Dad when he’s in town. So when my DS came home he was surprised to see me cooking thanksgiving dinner I guess he thought the world quit turning when his dad isn’t there. He then asked if I was inviting him over, AH hadn’t told him he was leaving town for the holidays. DS was shocked he had planned his break from college to see both of us. Fast forward to this evening, AH just got off the airplane and summoned DS to come see him so he wouldn’t be alone. He didn’t care enough to tell him he wouldn’t be there and then asks him to drop everything. It’s frustrating because I see him developing a relationship of convenience like he did with me and DD. DS is an adult but he has aspergers so it’s just a little different. I don’t put any expectations on my kids with reguard to their dad but maybe I need to make boundaries around when we are together for a holiday a loose schedule of free time. We had plans to watch Xmas movies. My DD and I enjoyed ourselves but my DS missed out because he is unwittingly tending to his Dad. Uuuggghh

Seren

Hi Viola,

I'm afraid I don't remember how old are your children. I am sorry that your holiday movie watching did not pan out as you had hoped, but that could have happened if some of his friends called and wanted to do something else...he may have opted for that, too, instead of watching a movie with you and your DD.

Frustrating for those of us who like to control how things go, but if your children are adults, I'm afraid that they get to decide how they spend their time...even if you think it is a bad idea.

I know how angering it can be, though, and I am sorry!

AnvilheadII

So when my DS came home he was surprised to see me cooking thanksgiving dinner I guess he thought the world quit turning when his dad isn’t there. He then asked if I was inviting him over, AH hadn’t told him he was leaving town for the holidays.

it sounds as if there was a lack of communication on your side too? if your DS didn't know you planned to cook T dinner? and lack of communication from the AH.

one of those two things you CAN control.

your son is 20 and in college, he can now make his own choices on what he does and with whom. he is allowed to have a relationship with his father, regardless of what a putz that father may be. try hard not to make it a competition, or to sway him one way or the other.

viola71

I will not make things a competition ever. I have told my kids that whatever they choose or however they choose to have their father in their life is entirely up to them. Its just frustrating not because he left to see him but because he dropped everything (not just with me with friends as well) at his Dad's convenience. His Dad didn't bother to tell him his plans but expected him to be available when it was convenient for him. Its the story of our lives ........, my son is unaware of things because of the aspergers but its hard for me to see him manipulated and missing out on time with his sister. My son has been trying to spend equal time with both of us, I told him there was no pressure from my side and there isn't, but that is the first thing out of my AH mouth. It pressures him when he should spend time relaxing and being social which is hard for him. I just want him to be able to live his own life with his eyes wide open, I guess I should be patient I mean I only learned this at 46

FeelingGreat

Viola, I don't know how AS affects your DS's response to his father, but he will work it out in the end I expect.

Also you don't know for sure what he gets out of being with his dad. It might not be related to what sort of person your AH is, but something external like the concept of having a man in his life. They say that its how we perceive our parents rather that what they do that counts the most.

I've seen a lot of people in this forum struggle with the idea that their children still love their parent even though he/she is neglectful, selfish, absent. I'm not sure if there's an answer to that. How do you handle it?