Parenting While Drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 11
Parenting While Drinking
God give me strength.
I had to go to work today but my husband was off. My inlaws were over for Thanksgiving and I tried to ask them to stay until I get home or at least close to it but my FIL is older and did not want to drive too late - which I understand. They left at around noon. I got home around 4 (it was a short day) and immediately noticed he was drinking. The kids looked ok and they stayed home all day but I’m infuriated. In the past, I would go off on the handle in front of the kids but I realize that’s not healthy for the kids and I need to figure a new path. How does everyone cope? How do you hold off your anger and how can I create a boundary around this behavior to protect my children? I constantly feel anxious. I feel like I cannot trust him. One night, I left for one hour to go for a run and he was in charge of watching our 5 yr old and I came home and he was passed out. I was so infuriated I took a bag of frozen peas and started beating him with it in front of her. I totally regret my behavior so I’m trying to change it. This was following another event a few weeks back when he was supposed to drive our daughter to her class and at 10am I already smelled alcohol on his breath.
The thought of separating or divorce is emanating and this makes me very sad. I’ve realized I’m trying to control my environment but I’m failing miserably. My first concern is to protect my kids but I’m a working mother. I guess I’m interested in learning how you detach and yet keep yourself and your loved ones from harms way? How do you control the amount of animosity and contempt you have for your A’s behavior? His family knows well about his behavior but will do nothing about it. I feel utterly alone in this battle.
I had to go to work today but my husband was off. My inlaws were over for Thanksgiving and I tried to ask them to stay until I get home or at least close to it but my FIL is older and did not want to drive too late - which I understand. They left at around noon. I got home around 4 (it was a short day) and immediately noticed he was drinking. The kids looked ok and they stayed home all day but I’m infuriated. In the past, I would go off on the handle in front of the kids but I realize that’s not healthy for the kids and I need to figure a new path. How does everyone cope? How do you hold off your anger and how can I create a boundary around this behavior to protect my children? I constantly feel anxious. I feel like I cannot trust him. One night, I left for one hour to go for a run and he was in charge of watching our 5 yr old and I came home and he was passed out. I was so infuriated I took a bag of frozen peas and started beating him with it in front of her. I totally regret my behavior so I’m trying to change it. This was following another event a few weeks back when he was supposed to drive our daughter to her class and at 10am I already smelled alcohol on his breath.
The thought of separating or divorce is emanating and this makes me very sad. I’ve realized I’m trying to control my environment but I’m failing miserably. My first concern is to protect my kids but I’m a working mother. I guess I’m interested in learning how you detach and yet keep yourself and your loved ones from harms way? How do you control the amount of animosity and contempt you have for your A’s behavior? His family knows well about his behavior but will do nothing about it. I feel utterly alone in this battle.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi E, my suggestion would be to plan as if he's not there because he seems to be checking out of family life in respect of being a responsible adult.
You're still clinging to the notion that as a father he will have the welfare of the kids first in his mind, or at least he should, but this belief is causing you frustration and disappointment, as well as impacting on the kid's welfare.
If you can get your mindset around being a single parent organising child minding at least you will have left that struggle behind. I'm sorry it's come to that. You've got more on your plate than you deserve.
You're still clinging to the notion that as a father he will have the welfare of the kids first in his mind, or at least he should, but this belief is causing you frustration and disappointment, as well as impacting on the kid's welfare.
If you can get your mindset around being a single parent organising child minding at least you will have left that struggle behind. I'm sorry it's come to that. You've got more on your plate than you deserve.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Elct.....I am giving you the following thread to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the l oved ones....I hope you will take time to read through them.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
To answer your question...in a nutshell---if you stay in the home with him...you will have to lower your expectations of him...very low. In other words, you cannot depend on him for anything, child wise. You would have to conduct yourself as a single parent would. If you go o ut...you will need to hire childcare...and, a babysitter, at all times....or take the children with you. Perhaps the grandparents could help with the childcare sometimes...?
I divorced my first husband when our three children were young...two were still in diapers...and I was a full time single parent with a full time job. I was far happier, that way than when living with their father!! We were peaceful and had lots of fun....
I think it is darn near impossible to not have the anger while living with active alcoholism....it tears relationships apart....
You have to come to zero expectations and live like cordial roomates.......
I think that the things that all active alcoholics do, produce anger in a normal person........
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
To answer your question...in a nutshell---if you stay in the home with him...you will have to lower your expectations of him...very low. In other words, you cannot depend on him for anything, child wise. You would have to conduct yourself as a single parent would. If you go o ut...you will need to hire childcare...and, a babysitter, at all times....or take the children with you. Perhaps the grandparents could help with the childcare sometimes...?
I divorced my first husband when our three children were young...two were still in diapers...and I was a full time single parent with a full time job. I was far happier, that way than when living with their father!! We were peaceful and had lots of fun....
I think it is darn near impossible to not have the anger while living with active alcoholism....it tears relationships apart....
You have to come to zero expectations and live like cordial roomates.......
I think that the things that all active alcoholics do, produce anger in a normal person........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 11
Thank you for your tips. Last night I had a dream that a copperhead bit me in my Achilles in my bed. I take that as a wake up call for me. I reflected on what you both said and read some articles and realized the source of a lot of frustration stems from the fact I feel our family are prisoners to his behavior. Want to do a family event? Can’t bc he’s drunk or too hungover. I avoid restaurants bc the last thing I want to deal with is him having one to many. So I have decided to refuse to let his drinking take over our lives. This morning he was supposed to take our daughter to the doctors but I saw his trembling hands and decided “welp I’m a single mom now” pulled the girls together and headed out alone. We are going to the park later today with or without him. What breaks my heart is my daughter revealed to me that yesterday he passed out and she was crying. That also infuriates me but I have not told him (I am wondering if I should tell his dad and brother that this is what happened after they left). From now on, I cannot leave them at home alone with him and will have to figure out coverage.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Agree completely with FeelingGreat and dandelion: Act like a single mom.
As a working mom, I rearranged my schedule as best I could and hired a sitter and warned her in advance, during the interview, that dad was alcoholic. I told his family (mom is recovering alcoholic) as well; got promises of an intervention but nothing (don't get expectations that his family will help). Went to lots of activities by ourselves if dad was incapacitated. When we had friends over and he was passed out, just closed the bedroom door and went about our business.
As a working mom, I rearranged my schedule as best I could and hired a sitter and warned her in advance, during the interview, that dad was alcoholic. I told his family (mom is recovering alcoholic) as well; got promises of an intervention but nothing (don't get expectations that his family will help). Went to lots of activities by ourselves if dad was incapacitated. When we had friends over and he was passed out, just closed the bedroom door and went about our business.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Elctrc.
One of the more insidious aspects of alcohol addiction, imo, is the shame the family members feel, and the isolation that occurs because lives get dominated by the addict’s behavior.
Good for you for recognizing the sad, hard truth: your spouse is not responsible.
Anyone who drinks and passes out while taking care of children is definitely not responsible.
You might find Al-Anon meetings helpful and a source of support, as you will meet people who are coping much the way you are.
Good luck and good thoughts.
One of the more insidious aspects of alcohol addiction, imo, is the shame the family members feel, and the isolation that occurs because lives get dominated by the addict’s behavior.
Good for you for recognizing the sad, hard truth: your spouse is not responsible.
Anyone who drinks and passes out while taking care of children is definitely not responsible.
You might find Al-Anon meetings helpful and a source of support, as you will meet people who are coping much the way you are.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Is he doing anything to help himself? I think if when he sobers up he doesn't seem to care that he's done to the family, and isn't trying to do anything about his issue, it's unlikely his behavior will end any time soon.
Just speaking for myself, I'd start planning a way out. When I was an active drinker, I wouldn't have blamed anyone for leaving me. In fact, while I was sober, I'd probably want my family to leave for their safety (if I had a family). If he's remorseful then there's more hope but I know from personal experience that even remorse won't always be enough to quit. Alcoholism is a condition where a person gets a VERY STRONG conviction in their head that they will control their alcohol----this time. It's kind of like a delusion and it's not something they try to make themselves believe.
Just speaking for myself, I'd start planning a way out. When I was an active drinker, I wouldn't have blamed anyone for leaving me. In fact, while I was sober, I'd probably want my family to leave for their safety (if I had a family). If he's remorseful then there's more hope but I know from personal experience that even remorse won't always be enough to quit. Alcoholism is a condition where a person gets a VERY STRONG conviction in their head that they will control their alcohol----this time. It's kind of like a delusion and it's not something they try to make themselves believe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, Elctrc.
One of the more insidious aspects of alcohol addiction, imo, is the shame the family members feel, and the isolation that occurs because lives get dominated by the addict’s behavior.
Good for you for recognizing the sad, hard truth: your spouse is not responsible.
Anyone who drinks and passes out while taking care of children is definitely not responsible.
You might find Al-Anon meetings helpful and a source of support, as you will meet people who are coping much the way you are.
Good luck and good thoughts.
One of the more insidious aspects of alcohol addiction, imo, is the shame the family members feel, and the isolation that occurs because lives get dominated by the addict’s behavior.
Good for you for recognizing the sad, hard truth: your spouse is not responsible.
Anyone who drinks and passes out while taking care of children is definitely not responsible.
You might find Al-Anon meetings helpful and a source of support, as you will meet people who are coping much the way you are.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I thought I would add my 2 cents to this. I understand what you're dealing with, to a point. My AW likes to drink at night, every night, and after about 8:30 is on her way to passing out. So, I consider myself a single parent pretty much from dinnertime on. Which means I have no social life in the evenings. I've had to pass up work trips that meant being away overnight, because I just can't trust her. During the day she is reliable, unlike your AH. I also know that no matter how tired I am, or how sick, or whatever, I need to be available and present for DS. He NEVER calls for his mother at night if he needs something, it's always me, and it has been since he was able to talk. I think he learned early on that if he was troubled, Dad always showed up, every time.
Best of luck to you!
COD
Best of luck to you!
COD
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I had these same experiences. I decided to form a boundary for my children that their father could not watch them alone or drive them. It was a huge hassle, cost some money,etc. However, my sanity and their safety were well worth it. This was after I found out he drove my child heavily intoxicated.
I asked for help from other parents and friends. I was honest, and found many more than willing to help. It takes a village.
Hugs.
I had these same experiences. I decided to form a boundary for my children that their father could not watch them alone or drive them. It was a huge hassle, cost some money,etc. However, my sanity and their safety were well worth it. This was after I found out he drove my child heavily intoxicated.
I asked for help from other parents and friends. I was honest, and found many more than willing to help. It takes a village.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I asked for help from other parents and friends. I was honest, and found many more than willing to help. It takes a village.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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