Smarie78

despite this relationship being in the state its in, I can’t help but be thrown into anxiety when he goes missing. Still care for the man so naturally as much as try to ignore it, I’m starting to wake up with the pounding anxiety again that wasn’t there before. The first several days coping is ok bc I️ am use to it and go about my own life. Today is day 8 however and this is about when I get the call from him he is in the hospital or staying somewhere detoxing. Basically, that he’s alive.
I am really struggling today. I haven’t heard a word and i slipped into codie behavior and reached out to his mom and house manager and not a peep either. I don’t hate myself for doing that because I genuinely care if he is ok and safe. I’m not contacting to protect him but to put my anxiety at ease a little. I am mentally preparing for a funeral in my head and having some very dark thoughts (that this time he did die and it is my fault for enabling and making him sicker when maybe he would have survived if you left).
When someone goes missing in patterns it’s both easier to cope and harder. Easier bc you know they do it and always pop up around day 8 or 9. Harder because as that “usual” day limit comes and passes you wait to hear horrible news. I keep wondering about my fate at this point. Will my fate have me grieving over my first death? Or will he be ok. It feels cruel to me. Like they keep going to war while you wait to see if they survived the tour this time.

Anyway any advice for coping would be great. Trying hard.

biminiblue

You are free to get off this ride at any time, SM.

I hope you get there sooner rather than later.

Ariesagain

I have a HUGE problem equating a soldier going to war with your tool of a boyfriend going off on a binge. A soldier has no choice...that guy has a choice...you have a choice. A soldier is serving a greater good...supposedly. That guy is just off binging and no doubt screwing around on you. Again.

I’m about to lose my temper so I’m out.

SparkleKitty

Accepting that I was powerless over someone else is the only thing that ever helped me release that kind of anxiety and worry.

Smarie78

He is mentally ill so yes i care about him when he disappears for days trying to kill himself. I’m not asking for sympathy or judgement. I’m asking how to cope with disappearing cycles. I want to never have to cope with this again and i am on my way to doing just that. But for now that isn’t my reality. For now i still have an emotional tie to this person and feel worried for him. I’m doing my best to detach from that which i have no control over. Just saying today hit my anxiety harder than usual and I’m struggling on quieting it. I have a meeting today and i think repeating the mantra will help.

SmallButMighty

There is no way to cope with it. None.

You know what you can do to stop your self-imposed, pathological cycle of pain and anxiety, you choose not to. Valid, if not wise choice.

I don't think anyone here would help you stay stuck in this cycle even if there was some magical way to cope with a drunk's antics that we could divulge. (There isn't)

I continue to wish you clarity. I truly do.

Not judging you Smarie, I've had to slay my own codie demons, I know it isn't easy. But it's the only thing that is ever going to help you "cope".

FireSprite

Honestly? I think you need to get around the idea of calling him "missing".... he's NOT missing, he's a grown, single adult living his life. Where & how & with who are HIS business.

You don't live together, have no children or joint assets & liabilities. You can barely even define your relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend as he's still married & continually sees other women.

How is he considered MISSING??

littlesister1

How many times has this happened?

It's like a rerun of a rerun of a rerun ad nauseum

atalose

Sounds like you’ve got problems where most of them are all made up scenarios in your head that you stress about for absolutely no logical reason.

A funeral? Seriously?

I agree, he’s not considered a “missing person” he’s considered an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do.

The cure for your anxiety is never going to be from the cause of it.

FireSprite

To clarify my own post - when I use the wrong "labels" like this I indulge myself in the emotional fantasy that goes along with it too - I believe the crap I'm feeding myself.

But when I de-mystify things by calling them what they REALLY ARE then my emotional reactions change as a result over time too. That's part of what moves me toward Acceptance... as long as I continue to romanticize what I'm experiencing & reading more into it than there actually is, it's a *soft* version of denial that's extremely potent & dangerous IMO because it keeps us stuck in something that doesn't even exist.

Needabreak

He's doing exactly what he wants to do. And it's true; he might drink too much, do something stupid and hurt himself or die. But I might also get hit by a bus when I go to Macys in Manhattan to do some shopping this afternoon. Life involves risk, for everyone.

You can't control him. And as long as you involve yourself in his life you will just have to struggle with it. There will be no relief to the anxiety; it will become your lifelong companion, and will take a toll on your physical and mental health.

He's not going to stop. You, on the other hand, have choices. You can keep doing exactly what you have done for the past few years, live a life of anxiety and dysfunction, and come here and vent every few days and project your anxiety, anger and disdain out onto the good people here who share their wisdom with you, or you can do some of the hard inner work to figure out why you are tolerating a man whose behavior has hurt you and brought discord with your family and life, over and over again.

He will be back, when the money runs out, or he is too tired. You are his soft pillow to land on, where he can rest a bit before he goes out to party again.

I've seen a lot of unrecovered codie behavior on this board lately -- people who just want to wallow in their anxiety and illusions, and responses from others who just want to protect them in their dysfunction. The posters either get hurt and offended by any other types of responses, or they just completely brush off any talk of personal growth on their part. Just like an active drug addict does when challenged on their addiction -- it's two sides of the same coin, as far as I'm concerned, and leads to stagnation and continued pain.

Smarie, I know you want everyone to think that you are a compassionate person, but you are really mired in a bad place because of this guy. In my religion, Buddhism, compassion is an important virtue. But we call compassion without wisdom "Idiot Compassion." Idiot compassion is something that our religion has little respect for.

Take a good hard look at yourself and this relationship, and try to think of what a wise course of action would be for yourself. He doesn't want to change. Is it wise to throw your compassion away on a man who doesn't want it and who takes advantage of your weaknesses to continue and advance his own addictive behavior?

AnvilheadII

HE is not missing. he is not contacting you, ON PURPOSE. he didn't tell his mommy where he was going either, but i am sure she appreciates your call so that she too can now start to worry. you've also made sure to bring it to the attention of his house manager.

if this was the first time EVER, that would be one thing. but it is NOT. he's taken time outs COUNTLESS times. why are you acting surprised? hell, you predicted this!!!!!

nothing changes if nothing changes.
this was the state of things on 09-27-16:
I have an Abf that disappears out of the blue, for about a week at a time, on binges where he drinks alone in his bedroom until he is near death. He does this repeatedly and I typically fall apart during this time; lose sleep, appetite, work suffers, depression and anxiety are the norm 24/7 for me while he is binging. The thing is, once he is back and detoxed, cleaned up with life pieced back together again like a cat with 100 billion lives and in the "whew! Can't do THAT again! what a wake up call!, I will never hurt you again!" phase, he struggles to allow me time to heal. In fact, he doesn't at all. He instead bounces back from his wagon fall and I am still hurting from picking up the pieces.

what has changed?

firebolt

The Codependant no More Book talks a lot about detachment. It helped me to go back and read certain sections of it. The more I read it, the more it stuck. I am glad you are catching a meeting today!

Also, This is today's Language of Letting Go:

NOVEMBER 22

You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."

The Magic of Gratitude and Acceptance

Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery. No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.

We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good. Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.

If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance. If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we're beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we've tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we've been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.

When all else fails, go back to the basics.

Gratitude and acceptance work.

Today, Higher Power, help me let go of my resistance. Help me know the pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it. I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstances.

Bekindalways

I like this Firesprite. I'm going to watch how and where I use wrong labels. I can see that with Smarie's ABF. He isn't missing; he is probably off having a great time in his own way . . . a kind of early holiday celebration if you will.

Smarie, I used to visualize holding my ABF in a tight fist and then slowly opening that fist and releasing him to divine love which to me at the time also meant whatever life he wanted or was called to live. Unfortunately, this "calling" was apparently to spiral deeper into addiction, armed robberies and eventually 3 years in jail.

I still laugh at how different my vision for how he was "supposed" to live was from the reality he chose . . . .I was not in charge.

Peace to you and may both you and you ABF live the lives you need/choose to live.

ardy

I have fought the good fight for 26 years love my Eddie Lee to bits.. but there are times when he is in hospital or screaming to the ceiling that I want it all to just be over with.. done complete and finished.. why do we do this. kids and beans I don't know... I try hard to hang on to the good times. before the morphine and the problems.. he has been better for a couple of months.. but even realizes that something is not right. and Ed is too looking at the fact how his Pop died and how he has damaged his own body and life.. me.. I have a bench for the graveyard one with Sisters forever for me and my Little Sisters and one for me and my Eddie Lee.. people can come and sit and listen to the cows and the birds and watch the sun go down and the Moon come up... Love you all so much.. Blessings to all on this Nov 22 2017 ardy

Smarie78

Thanks guys. I’m exhausted just reading my own post. I bargain with God that if he lets him live this one down I’ll go for sure. It is positively insane. I am as insane for staying as he is for disappearing, yes? I was really shaken to the core this morning for some reason. Maybe bc it’s Day 8 when I expect the come around. House Manager knows he’s disappeared so i didn’t out him. I just asked if he’s seen him. Mom too and i admit it was a selfish weakness on my part desperate to soothe the anxiousness. It did also highlight the fact to me that i have no relationship with his outside life and that in itself is cause to just be done.

I woke up today and showered and got nice and dressed up for a presentation i had to give. Anxiety completely (almost) gone bc i got myself busy with important work. I’m just breathing and prepping again to be done with this should God afford him life to come back. I’m sorry to everyone for what feels like constant whining. It’s really insane. It’s in my power though not to be this way you are 100% right

PuzzledHeart

Untie it then.

You can still feel worried for him. BUT you don't have to remain accountable to him. He's no longer accountable to you so it's not like you owe him anything.

What would happen if you let yourself disappear by blocking him for twenty-four hours? Then another twenty-four? Don't commit for an entire lifetime. Just give yourself the day.

What are you going to do anyway? Disrupt Thanksgiving family dinner just in case he calls? If he can make you wait eight days, he can wait himself.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but what is the likelihood that he's doing some horizontal folk dancing with another woman while you are waiting anxiously for him to call? I wouldn't be surprised if he's cycling between you and several others at this point. He makes you wait so you go through the withdrawal symptoms that make you think you need him so you are still on the hook.

PuzzledHeart

Oops. Two posts that just crossed in cyberspace!

spookyboo22

Hi
I don't know any of your back story so I'm asking
Are you in Al anon?
If you're not please go!
The made up scenario in your own mind about him maybe being dead happened to me when I was 18
My dad was an A as well. Looking back now (I'm 50) and being in recovery I can see the light where as then I was very like you.
Oscar Wilde said the worst vice is advice but you have asked for it so here's mine .
Get some help for yourself and stop focusing on him and what he's up to.
The times when he disappears may get longer and longer, days weeks months even.
What will you do then? You've got to stop the cycle because the wheel just goes round and round Hun x

tomsteve

. I’m asking how to cope with disappearing cycles.

when i was in a relationship with a chronic relapser that would disappear from time to time, my solution was to put me first and end the relationship- not allow the behavior around me.
because i FINALLY got it from my head to my heart that i didnt deserve it around me.

when i kept allowing the relationship to continue, nothing changed because i changed nothing- i kept allowing the behavior around me,i allowed her actions to effect me., and i remained a big huge heap of mess.