Coping when they go missing
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
I have a lot of experience in this department... so I’ll tell you what helped me in hopes it will also help you if not it certainly can’t hurt before I do so I think it’s best I address what seems to be behavior that is hard to watch... this board is here to help, we all have one common thread here and we come back because we are trying to cope. Tough love is sometimes necessary but so is restraint. Know the difference between truth and being cruel. Don’t beat down someone that is already down, your journey is farther than yours but try to remember when you were at the place they are, try to mix a little compassion in with the tough love.
Anyway back to the task at hand. I’ve handled this the wrong way a few more time than I’m proud of. Eventually, when the pattern got familiar I started my own pattern I used this time to take insanely great care of myself. I made myself my favorite meal and gave myself the room to do the things that I enjoy and properly distract me... I prepared for what I knew was coming at me as in I take melatonin those nights because for me stress always brings insomnia. This is all easier said than done I get it but try it might just surprise you. Also keep in mind addicts of all variety have what seems to be way more than 9 lives their ability to “survive” is uncanny. Trust that it’s far less likely that it’s a funeral you will be planning for and more likely to be him taking a couple more days to be sick in his disease. There is also a proper amount of manipulation involved here. Whether they want to admit it or not they enjoy the drama they know they are causing. Sick breeds sick. I found the less reaction he got the shorter the disappearance got. It always catches up with him and it’s likely more on the police side then the immentent danger side.
All of that is about coping though the sweet spot in the all is finding a way to let go. Wait hear me out I get it I’m asking you to let go of your very favorite thing... trust me I get it. Stay with me. Mourn it, cry, write, do whatever you have to and then let that man go. What I mean is give him to room to figure himself out without also giving him your attention. For me it wasn’t the hardest message I ever wrote him it took everything I had left because I meant it. Just put it down and accept that they are going to do whatever they are going to do and it just doesn’t involve you. Stop buying tickets to their destruction. I can’t tell you that in doing this everything will magically different I can tell you that it will also give you the space to be healthy for YOU. For me and my journey it has some astounding side effects for him as well. When you put in the work and truly find away to let go you just might be taken aback by how much strength you get in surrendering.
Anyway back to the task at hand. I’ve handled this the wrong way a few more time than I’m proud of. Eventually, when the pattern got familiar I started my own pattern I used this time to take insanely great care of myself. I made myself my favorite meal and gave myself the room to do the things that I enjoy and properly distract me... I prepared for what I knew was coming at me as in I take melatonin those nights because for me stress always brings insomnia. This is all easier said than done I get it but try it might just surprise you. Also keep in mind addicts of all variety have what seems to be way more than 9 lives their ability to “survive” is uncanny. Trust that it’s far less likely that it’s a funeral you will be planning for and more likely to be him taking a couple more days to be sick in his disease. There is also a proper amount of manipulation involved here. Whether they want to admit it or not they enjoy the drama they know they are causing. Sick breeds sick. I found the less reaction he got the shorter the disappearance got. It always catches up with him and it’s likely more on the police side then the immentent danger side.
All of that is about coping though the sweet spot in the all is finding a way to let go. Wait hear me out I get it I’m asking you to let go of your very favorite thing... trust me I get it. Stay with me. Mourn it, cry, write, do whatever you have to and then let that man go. What I mean is give him to room to figure himself out without also giving him your attention. For me it wasn’t the hardest message I ever wrote him it took everything I had left because I meant it. Just put it down and accept that they are going to do whatever they are going to do and it just doesn’t involve you. Stop buying tickets to their destruction. I can’t tell you that in doing this everything will magically different I can tell you that it will also give you the space to be healthy for YOU. For me and my journey it has some astounding side effects for him as well. When you put in the work and truly find away to let go you just might be taken aback by how much strength you get in surrendering.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I feel your pain
I have been dealing with similar behavior for 3 1/2 years. Now I cant sleep at night There is no way to take away the worry when they disappear
Don't waste your time, energy, life, money...
Listen to the wise advice here...let him go and save yourself. (From someone who has been in and is trying to get out of that same situation.)
Sending positive thoughts your way!
Don't waste your time, energy, life, money...
Listen to the wise advice here...let him go and save yourself. (From someone who has been in and is trying to get out of that same situation.)
Sending positive thoughts your way!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Thanks everyone. All of your messages give me strength and hope. I felt better as they day went on. I saw my therapist and she was patient with me. Told me not to beat myself up too much because I am learning and getting there, just stuck a bit and my self worth is pretty low even though it doesn’t feel that way...shared with her some other things thatI don’t share here and the more we talked the more realized that i do struggle with feelings of worth. And like him there are my own unhealthy ways i numb out.
...Hard to unglue matters of the heart. Every time my mind wants to go somewhere dark like imagining him dead and feeling so sure of it, I push it away and say to myself “it’s okay, God has him and will take him wherever he is going and it isn’t up to me.” When my mind wants to blame myself for being so cold and unloving to him, I tell that voice it isn’t real. Easier said than done? You bet. But it helps. And again, I’m sorry this post is frustrating for some of you as my situation has been going on for some time now. This is the best i can do today. My own best. It’s not as far as many of you but it’s what i have just for today, hopefully more sooner. I go to meetings and read and back in therapy because i want to get better. I have love and compassion for him despite it all. And despite the bad times he has showed me love and caring and kindness in many ways, just not in the ways needed when needed. If i think to myself that he isn’t available, it also helps me cope. An addict is unavailable, he is unavailable in every sense of the word. I miss him but the peace might have a chance for us both if I can be strong and brave should he return.
...Hard to unglue matters of the heart. Every time my mind wants to go somewhere dark like imagining him dead and feeling so sure of it, I push it away and say to myself “it’s okay, God has him and will take him wherever he is going and it isn’t up to me.” When my mind wants to blame myself for being so cold and unloving to him, I tell that voice it isn’t real. Easier said than done? You bet. But it helps. And again, I’m sorry this post is frustrating for some of you as my situation has been going on for some time now. This is the best i can do today. My own best. It’s not as far as many of you but it’s what i have just for today, hopefully more sooner. I go to meetings and read and back in therapy because i want to get better. I have love and compassion for him despite it all. And despite the bad times he has showed me love and caring and kindness in many ways, just not in the ways needed when needed. If i think to myself that he isn’t available, it also helps me cope. An addict is unavailable, he is unavailable in every sense of the word. I miss him but the peace might have a chance for us both if I can be strong and brave should he return.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Thanks everyone. All of your messages give me strength and hope. I felt better as they day went on. I saw my therapist and she was patient with me. Told me not to beat myself up too much because I am learning and getting there, just stuck a bit and my self worth is pretty low even though it doesn’t feel that way...shared with her some other things thatI don’t share here and the more we talked the more realized that i do struggle with feelings of worth. And like him there are my own unhealthy ways i numb out.
...Hard to unglue matters of the heart. Every time my mind wants to go somewhere dark like imagining him dead and feeling so sure of it, I push it away and say to myself “it’s okay, God has him and will take him wherever he is going and it isn’t up to me.” When my mind wants to blame myself for being so cold and unloving to him, I tell that voice it isn’t real. Easier said than done? You bet. But it helps. And again, I’m sorry this post is frustrating for some of you as my situation has been going on for some time now. This is the best i can do today. My own best. It’s not as far as many of you but it’s what i have just for today, hopefully more sooner. I go to meetings and read and back in therapy because i want to get better. I have love and compassion for him despite it all. And despite the bad times he has showed me love and caring and kindness in many ways, just not in the ways needed when needed. If i think to myself that he isn’t available, it also helps me cope. An addict is unavailable, he is unavailable in every sense of the word. I miss him but the peace might have a chance for us both if I can be strong and brave should he return.
...Hard to unglue matters of the heart. Every time my mind wants to go somewhere dark like imagining him dead and feeling so sure of it, I push it away and say to myself “it’s okay, God has him and will take him wherever he is going and it isn’t up to me.” When my mind wants to blame myself for being so cold and unloving to him, I tell that voice it isn’t real. Easier said than done? You bet. But it helps. And again, I’m sorry this post is frustrating for some of you as my situation has been going on for some time now. This is the best i can do today. My own best. It’s not as far as many of you but it’s what i have just for today, hopefully more sooner. I go to meetings and read and back in therapy because i want to get better. I have love and compassion for him despite it all. And despite the bad times he has showed me love and caring and kindness in many ways, just not in the ways needed when needed. If i think to myself that he isn’t available, it also helps me cope. An addict is unavailable, he is unavailable in every sense of the word. I miss him but the peace might have a chance for us both if I can be strong and brave should he return.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I call it "dipping off."
This behavior perpetrated by these people is freakin terrible. The lies and all the complex sets of circumstances that accompany the events are laughable, ridiculous and very trying to your nerves.
While your heart is breaking because you're starting to see a pattern. My AH had texted me these elaborate scenarios about where he was and why he was late coming home. But where he really was, at the corner of our street so drunk he fell asleep at the wheel, car doors unlocked lights on. The later it got the crazier i became so i looked outside and saw his brand new optima with the lights on just sitting there . Unbelievable. He was too drunk to come in the house. I knocked on the window and he woke up quacking. He was mad at me!
His boss called at that moment to remind him of his work time. He had slept til he had to be back at work. While i was inside worried sick. They are exhausting.
He was so special for a while. Years. Why would he let his crappy behavior continue? One time i thought he had a girlfriend he said" i don't need two bees telling me what to do" . OMG
When the dipping off escalated to more days, i set boundaries but alkies eat boundaries for breakfast. I really miss his sounds in the house😳. I guess i couldn't cope. I always saw that behavior as disrespect. So he was on borrowed time.
While your heart is breaking because you're starting to see a pattern. My AH had texted me these elaborate scenarios about where he was and why he was late coming home. But where he really was, at the corner of our street so drunk he fell asleep at the wheel, car doors unlocked lights on. The later it got the crazier i became so i looked outside and saw his brand new optima with the lights on just sitting there . Unbelievable. He was too drunk to come in the house. I knocked on the window and he woke up quacking. He was mad at me!
His boss called at that moment to remind him of his work time. He had slept til he had to be back at work. While i was inside worried sick. They are exhausting.
He was so special for a while. Years. Why would he let his crappy behavior continue? One time i thought he had a girlfriend he said" i don't need two bees telling me what to do" . OMG
When the dipping off escalated to more days, i set boundaries but alkies eat boundaries for breakfast. I really miss his sounds in the house😳. I guess i couldn't cope. I always saw that behavior as disrespect. So he was on borrowed time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Ginalee
This behavior perpetrated by these people is freakin terrible. The lies and all the complex sets of circumstances that accompany the events are laughable, ridiculous and very trying to your nerves.
While your heart is breaking because you're starting to see a pattern. My AH had texted me these elaborate scenarios about where he was and why he was late coming home. But where he really was, at the corner of our street so drunk he fell asleep at the wheel, car doors unlocked lights on. The later it got the crazier i became so i looked outside and saw his brand new optima with the lights on just sitting there . Unbelievable. He was too drunk to come in the house. I knocked on the window and he woke up quacking. He was mad at me!
His boss called at that moment to remind him of his work time. He had slept til he had to be back at work. While i was inside worried sick. They are exhausting.
He was so special for a while. Years. Why would he let his crappy behavior continue? One time i thought he had a girlfriend he said" i don't need two bees telling me what to do" . OMG
When the dipping off escalated to more days, i set boundaries but alkies eat boundaries for breakfast. I really miss his sounds in the house😳. I guess i couldn't cope. I always saw that behavior as disrespect. So he was on borrowed time.
While your heart is breaking because you're starting to see a pattern. My AH had texted me these elaborate scenarios about where he was and why he was late coming home. But where he really was, at the corner of our street so drunk he fell asleep at the wheel, car doors unlocked lights on. The later it got the crazier i became so i looked outside and saw his brand new optima with the lights on just sitting there . Unbelievable. He was too drunk to come in the house. I knocked on the window and he woke up quacking. He was mad at me!
His boss called at that moment to remind him of his work time. He had slept til he had to be back at work. While i was inside worried sick. They are exhausting.
He was so special for a while. Years. Why would he let his crappy behavior continue? One time i thought he had a girlfriend he said" i don't need two bees telling me what to do" . OMG
When the dipping off escalated to more days, i set boundaries but alkies eat boundaries for breakfast. I really miss his sounds in the house😳. I guess i couldn't cope. I always saw that behavior as disrespect. So he was on borrowed time.
So relatable. So sad at as well
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
